Tiger Woods Apology Speech (revised)

Good morning and thank you for joining me. I have a few things I would like to say:

I am rich. Filthy, stinking rich. When I take a shit, interest rates change. I am rich.

I am a man. Men have penises. We like to stick them in women as much as possible. I am a man.

I am famous. No one on Earth doesn’t know who I am. Most people want to be like me. I am famous.

Because of these things, I want to and can fuck anyone I want, at any time I want. I fucked some girl ten minutes ago in the hallway and might again on the way out. I will continue to fuck whomever I want, whenever I want. I do not care what you think. If you came here looking for me to apologize for something, forget it. I will never apologize for desiring women, dating women, fucking women and then paying women large sum of money to keep them quiet. Mostly quiet.

Yes, I am married and I made a commitment to my wife. But I am too rich, too famous and too manly to be contained by one woman. My wife now understands this. I realize that this may have upset my wife, so to compensate, we have a swear jar at home that we have converted to an infidelity jar. Every time I bang some hot woman, I put a quarter million in the jar. Currently the jar has a GDP greater than Finland and I am expecting it will continue to grow.

To sum up: rich, man, famous, fuck, GDP, no apologies.

Thank you and good day.


Unknown said...

Who is Tiger Woods?

HolyJuan said...

I am Tiger Woods.


I would have believed that speech a lot more than the one that was given.

Dude must really love his wife... or since he has already proven that isn't true, they came to an agreement not to break up so she can keep living the live even rich people dream of, while he continues to sleep with whomever he wishes.

Anonymous said...

Infidelity jar. Awesome.