Knife Murder

Here is the scene of the crime where the knife was murdered.

After you exit the plane...

Piggy back ride!

The Bacon Pop - Popcorn Secret

I received this box of Bacon Pop - Bacon Flavored Microwave Popcorn as my Reddit Secret Santa Gift. I could not wait to try it!


There were three bags in the box.  













The directions were the same as regular pop corn except there were a lot more warnings about which side to keep down. There was also a warning in large letters, "Don't Burn Your Bacon."














I started to wonder what the secret to the bacon flavored popcorn was. The packaging said that there was no bacon in the product, only popcorn, oil and bacon flavoring. (It's actually a vegan product!)  So I decided to cut it open to see what was inside.














I pulled back the wrapping and found a bunch of kernels of corn with some kind of solidified oil.  It was exactly as you might expect.  before my disappointment set in, I felt something under my fingers on the side.













It was BACON!  Real, raw bacon!














I tried to pull it out, but it was stuck along the top and bottom edges.  There was a slab of bacon on either side.















I wasn't going to let this go to waste, so I taped the bag up as best I could.














And put it in the microwave.


In about four minutes it was done.  The bag barely held together with the tape.  The tape was a little stinky, but the bacon smell much more prevalent. 













I dumped the bag out into a bowl.

And for some reason, there was no bacon in with the popcorn.  I thought that maybe that is how they cook and flavor the popcorn. If the bacon disappears during cooking, then maybe it is not considered a food.  But then I looked in the bag.














There it was!  I tried to shake and crinkle it out, but it wouldn't budge.  So I got out a knife and scraped it out.














It took some doing and I ended up breaking it into pieces.



Upon further investigation, I found that the bacon had a very sticky substance on either end.  Closer inspection revealed that it was a highly concentrated maple syrup.  I think this is what kept it stuck to the side.







I think that because the bacon is part of the packaging, it is not actually considered part of the food, so they can still say it is a vegan product.  I mean, you don't see "aluminum" in the ingredients on a can of soda, right?

Well, that's all our investigative reporting for today.  Next week, we go searching for the palm and olive in Palmolive soap.

The Closest I Ever Got to Winning

His Bowel Did Sway and Gurgle

This is a story about Bob. Bob was an elephant of a man.

He flew into Columbus from California for a meeting and his bowels did sway and gurgle.

Back in those days, our office only had one bathroom and its walls reverberated with even the tiniest trickle of liquid dribbling in the bowl. The small room was like a giant sieve and sound and smell alike were not confined within its 80s décor walls.

Bob called for a break and asked for directions to the bathroom.

The wretched sound of the release of his intestines nearly coincided with the slamming of the door.

The entire office heard his agony.  He was beyond the point of hiding his shame.

And like standing on the beach and seeing a tsunami in the distance, everyone within earshot knew that there would soon be a wave of putrid, ass death crashing through the office that none could escape.

The smell caused the doorknob to dissolve and the receptionist melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Holly was in the back office and was far enough away that she was only made blind by the smell. She lit a coffee scented candle that had three years’ worth of dust on it. In her haste, she forgot to remove the plastic wrapping on top. The combined smell of ½ digested airplane food, melting plastic and burning coffee dust finished the rest of us off. We all died.

Bob returned to the meeting several minutes later and we continued without saying a word.

Homestar Helps

The Homestar Runner characters let my co-workers know what kind of day I'm having.
Not sure what it means if I am having a Marzipan day.

The First and Probably Last HolyJuan Caption Contest

Please caption the following photo. Leave your caption in the comments The winner gets an official HolyJuan refrigerator magnet. (Not sold in stores.)

My Reddit Secret Santa Gifts!

If you are not aware of Reddit, you should be. Reddit has a Secret Santa gift exchange where strangers exchange gifts in the spirit of the season.

My gift arrived today! Keegan brought it to my desk and he helped take photos for the unboxing.

It's here!


Keegan let me borrow his knife


Brown paper! Just what I always wanted!


A wrapped box. And the color of the wrapping paper matches my eyes exactly!


OK, not exactly.


More boxes inside the first box.


First up, a bottle of Tentacle Grape soda.


Next is a moustache mug from Modern Madness.


I've finally made it to puberty!


Bacon Flavored Popcorn! What will those crazy scientists think of next?


Extremely cool! A 30th anniversary Pac-Man Moleskine!!


And finally, Jack Daniels and Kahlua Coffees!


My Secret Santa, who chose to remain secret, did such a great job picking out gifts for me. I think my favorite is the Pac-Man Moleskine. Here are some close-ups.



Here's everything together.


Thanks Secret Santa! I hope you got some good stuff, too!

Thanks

When all the ones are carried and the columns added up, I really am a prick. I love me. I really do. I have bad feeling that I would be shoving my wife and kids out of the way to the last parachute so that I could carry their memory on from the luxury of some life insurance paid beach.

But what keeps me loving me is the people that feed my ego. And that is you. So I owe you a bit of thanks for reading HolyJuan on a once a year basis when you remember that I actually exist.

When I thought for a few hours last night that my site was deleted and that I would have to piece together the backups and the old files that are on the bottom of the hard drive, I didn’t despair for one minute. Mainly because I know that I need you as much as you really don’t need me. And I can live with that.

Let’s continue as if this never happened.

A Trip to Florida is a Trip

I had to fly down to Florida for work. I went with Matt. He’s traveled more than anyone I know and he’s really good at it. I got to the airport at 6:00am, about an hour early. He got there about five minutes before the plan loaded. See, I told you he was good.

Because it was a small plane, anyone that had a larger than small carry-on bag had it tagged and then stowed under the plane. My bag was small. Matt’s bag was not small enough. It was tagged and left to be stowed.

The plane had one seat along one side and two seats on the other. Matt and I were on the single seat side. The plane was taking a long time after loading to get going. Ticket lady kept coming on and then leaving the plane.

Finally, the ticket taker lady came on the plane and announced that “due to the rain, certain equipment was going to have to be used for the flight.” Because of this, the plane was overweight and five people were going to have to get off. They immediately offered a $400 voucher, but we were in Ohio and the plane was going to Florida so there were no takers. The ticket lady said that she was going to pull the last five people that bought their tickets.

Matt and I were number four and five respectively.

Inside at the counter, we were standing around with a couple that had just been married and were heading down to Florida for a cruise that was departing later that day. The fifth person was a girl that weighed about 80 pounds. Back on the plane there was a woman across the isle from me that could have taken the place of all three of them. Matt suggested that next time they should utilize a scale.

The newlywed couple was about one more problem away from a panic. Their cruise was boarding later that afternoon and they needed a flight out pronto. The ticket lady said, “Why did you wait until today to fly out?” The girl smiled and said something nice. Matt and I both quietly made rude remarks about the ticket lady’s lack of compassion. There was another flight in thirty minutes to LaGuardia and then a 10:30am to Miami. We were all relieved.

It was then the girl realized that her ID was in the carry-on bag that had been taken at the last minute and stowed as we boarded. Matt’s carry-on was taken as well. Neither had been returned and the plane was pulling away from the gate. She asked if she would need her ID in LaGuardia. The ticket lady assured us that we wouldn’t have to go though security again. Then she followed up with, “Why did you put your ID in your bag?” You could see cute, recently glowing girl begin to scowl. I think we all assume that when we carry-on a bag we are going to carry it off as well. We were told that the carry-on bags (that were stowed away) and checked bags would all be waiting at Miami.

We got on the next flight.

Holy fuck.

I’ve been on flights where there have been moments of turbulence. I’ve been on flights were there have been spans of turbulence. This plane flew like a washer on spin cycle with three too many pairs of jeans in it all the whole way to New York. It was miserable.

When we landed in LaGuardia, we happened to hear the married couple stop an agent and ask them about the next gate. The next gate was in a different concourse and we would have to go through security again. Nice. The poor girl about lost it. We walked off while she was pleading her situation.

As it turned out, they ran into someone helpful. The employee had walked her through security where she had to fill out “I don’t have ID” paperwork which is usually reserved for Libertarians and assholes from the internet. I guess I just could have said Libertarians there.

The flight from LaGuardia to Miami was just as bad if not worst for the first 50% of the trip. Matt was green. I was green with red dots. If one person on that flight would have even gagged, the whole flight would have erupted in an orgy of vomit.

No one puked and by South Carolina the flight smoothed out.

We landed.

In Miami, Matt and I went to the baggage customer service desk. The guy at the desk loves his job. I assume he was a mortgage broker 18 months ago and because he can no longer fuck people over there, he got hired by the airlines. He asked for the ticket stub of the bag that was supposed to be carry-on, but was stowed. There was no stub because Matt never got one. The ex-broker said that there HAD to be a stub. Matt explained that the woman only put a red tag on the bag and that there was no other stub or stub like identification. The guy scanned his screen, inhaled most the air in the building right before he let out a huge sigh and said that our bags would be at XX baggage claim.

The bags were at XX baggage claim. We saw the 80 pound girl and wished her the best.

We were in Miami for about 24 hours until our trip back.

Our trip back was fine.

As we were leaving the Columbus airport, we saw the ticket lady again. Not in person but on the wall where they post the photos of the team member who receive awards. Hers was for Customer Service.

We laughed loud enough for most people in the Max and Erma’s bar to stop and stare.

How to Leave a Party Early

As soon as you are invited to one party and you accept the initiation, inevitably a better offer comes around. There is an art to leaving a party early without offending your host. Here’s how you do it.

1. The BEST way to leave is just to leave. Don’t say good-bye. Don’t tell anyone. Just leave. You will not be missed. The next day if the host asks you why you left, claim that you got into an intense discussion with a person whose name you cannot remember and that you left about ten minutes after X person puked. If the host says that X person didn’t puke, laugh and say, “Oh crap, they told be to promise that I wouldn’t tell.”

2. Ask the host for Imodium AD. 10 minutes later excuse yourself. No questions asked.

3. Ask the host if you can lie down in a spare bedroom. Use the jackets on the bed to make a fake you under the covers. If the host looks in, they’ll see a fake you. When guests leave, they’ll take their jackets and you will have disappeared without having to make an excuse.

4. Ask the host if they have a really, really expensive brand of wine. (I don’t know any myself, but ask for a late 90’s six syllable French sounding something and it will pass. Start with château and you’ll be fine.) When your host says no, say you are going to run out and grab a bottle. Call from wherever you are at later and say you are still searching for it. Next day, leave a bottle of wine on their porch with a note saying, “Found it!”

5. Browse the snacks. Get a dip or white sauce that might have milk in it. Walk up to the host with the bowl and say, “This soy dip is awesome!” When they correct you and say that the item is milk based, get all wide eyed, cover your mouth and run for the door.

6. If all else fails, be honest and truthful with your host. Walk right up to them, take a deep breath and tell them your mother just called and that your father has had a massive heart attack and you must leave. If this is your second party you are bailing on, make sure mom is having the heart attack this time.

Spam Comments

I have the ability to monitor my comments for spam. The system is automated and catches about 95% of it. Of the other 5%, it's usually someone scoping the site to see if the owner lets those 5% through.

Recently, there have been a number of broken English comments that are trying to sound normal. This one takes the cake, "I give birth to read a few of the articles on your website trendy, and I definitely like your tastefulness of blogging. I added it to my favorites net stage roster and resolve be checking assist soon. Divert contain out of order my site as highly and let me conscious what you think. Thanks."

I really wonder what that translates back to in his native language.

Fushigi Ball and Their Shitty Web Site

You want to cancel your Fushigi Ball order? Read on.

When I was a kid, I wanted a big plastic fort that my dad though was stupid. I never forgave him. Now my kid wants a stupid plastic ball and there is no way in hell I am going to buy it for him…

But Miss Sally will.

Miss Sally went to the Fushigi Ball web site. To place an order for the ball, you enter in all your information including your credit card number on the first screen. After hitting submit, another screen comes up asking if you would like to order additional balls.

No.

Another screen comes up asking if you want to order mini-balls.

NO.

Another screen pops up asking if you want to order something else.

NO NO NO NO!

But my this time, Miss Sally thought she was caught in a loop and so she hit “yes” just so she could get to the confirmation screen and cancel it there.

As soon as she hit “yes” a screen came up that said, “ORDER PROCESSED.” There was no confirmation screen. There was no way for her to see that shipping and handling on this was going to be almost $20.

As soon as she saw her mistake, she looked around for an e-mail address. There was none.

There was a phone number, but when she called, they said they would be out of the office until Monday.

She called Monday morning and the phones were busy with what I assume were pissed off people. I called up until noon and the phone were still busy.

I did some research and found they had tentatively billed our account. Luckily there was a phone number.

The number is (write this down) 800-765-2994.

I called the number and it was to Idea Village.

I pressed the right numbers to ask a question about my order. A real person answered. They were very nice. I said we didn’t like how the Fushigi Ball website snuck in charges and didn’t provide for a confirmation screen.

She took care of the problem immediately and credited my account. Wow. Thanks Idea Village.

In short… don’t buy from fushigiball.com.
If you did, don’t try to call their shitty number. Call Idea Village direct at 800-765-2994.

Facebook Redacting

I am on reddit.com a good bit and one popular way that people post stuff from Facebook is to take a screen shot and block out the names and faces using some Photoshop or MS Paint method.

I though it was curious all the varied ways it was done so I've collected a few samples.

BLACK BOX REDACTION

This is one of the most common. Neat black boxes over both profile photo and name.

BLACK MARKER

This method is a bit sloppier, but accomplishes the task. In the same family is the black marker, but leaving the profile photo showing.


BLACK REDACTION AND MARKER COMBO WITH TITLES

I think with this method, the user starts with the black redaction box and then has trouble covering up all the text, so they drop down to the brush tool. As a bonus, the user included titles so that we could tell who was saying what, seeing as that you can't once all the names and faces are blocked out.

WHITE REDACTED BOX LAST NAME ONLY

The cousin of the BLACK REDACTED BOX

WHITE MARKER 50/50 FACES

The user felt obligated to hide the identity of some faces, some names, but left some names and faces visible. Very sloppy.

PIXELATED

This is a very clean method. The faces are hidden, but you can make a connection of who is saying what as you scan down the photo.

STATIC

I like this one.

RED REDACTION WITH TINY FACE REDACTION

This one is very detailed because instead of just blocking out the whole profile, they just hid a little of the guy's face.

BLUR

I assume this is the smudge tool. Dies a good job of masking without being obnoxious.

COLOR COORDINATED REDACTION

With multiple people in the comments, this person used color coordination to distinguish who said what. Very clean. Good work.

PINK AND RED SPRAY PAINT

This is definitely a MS Paint job. Sloppy, but they tried to color coordinate.

PINK BLUE AND SOME WHITE TOO

Hard to tell what is going on here. Did the poster try to suggest that the pink person is a girl and the blue is a boy? In addition, the white redacting over the names is very sloppy.

WHAT THE FUCK

I'm not sure what to think here.

BONUS
I was poking around for some others and there is a whole section of failblog.com that features these called Failbook.
I saw this neat one over there with color frames