Tips for Meeting Your Future Self

At some point, time travel will be invented and your future self will come back to warn you about something. Be prepared by following these tips.

1. Have a secret question

Be wary of evil future selves or clones. If it is actually your future self, they will know the answer to the secret question; something only you would know. Like where you masturbated for the first time (in a bedroom closet.) Don’t make up a secret word (this can be figured out with future technology and “ditto” has been taken.) If your future self doesn’t remember the secret question, kill them with the really sharp knife in your boot.

2. Always carry a sharp knife in your boot.
See #1

3. Immediately ask for the winner of the 20XX Super Bowl.
Time travel will not be cheap and the only way you are going to make enough money to travel back in time is to make a shit load of money betting on sports. That will only happen if you know the actual results of the future games. Your future self will know this and they will have a prepared list of sporting events from the future (their past.) If your future self gives you some bullshit excuse like that it is against the “Laws of Time Travel” or that they are coming back in time to keep you from winning all that money and becoming a rich prick, kill them and analyze their blood to siphon off some futuristic antibiotic or cure-all medicines.

4. Cross your arms and give your future self a disapproving look.
It worked for my friend Erik.


5. Kill your future self

Your future self is nothing but trouble. They’re all full of “doom and gloom” and “don’t do this” and “don’t eradicate that race of peoples.” As soon as your future self answers the secret question, get the future sports questions from them and then kill them with the gun in your other boot (they will know that you keep a knife in your boot and have some sort of futuristic knife protection on.) Collect their blood for testing and then dispose of the body.

6. Always carry a gun in your boot, but forget about it so your future self won’t know you have it.
(See #5.)

7. Get a shit load of insurance on yourself.
Once your future self arrives and before you kill them with the boot gun that you have forgotten about, have them over to your crappy apartment/house and while they are asleep, get a whole lot of insurance out on yourself. Get an ungodly amount of coverage and name yourself as the beneficiary (most insurance companies will completely go for this as they will think it is impossible for you to collect on your own death.) Go back and complete step #5 (except for the dispose of the body) and collect the money for your own death. And don’t let the insurance company claim that it was suicide because you killed yourself.

8. On second thought, kill your future self immediately
Your future self is older and cannot get the level of chick/guy you are dating/married to. In their future, they are having sex with an older, uglier, fatter version of your current lover. They will feel inclined to have sex with your current significant lover because banging your lover in the past is not cheating. Kill them before they have a chance to kill you and get their hands on your younger, hotter, less fat suitor. Use the grenade you have in your back pocket that you must forget about because you can’t seem to forget the gun and the knife and your future self is wearing a bullet proof vest with futuristic knife proof clothing.

9. (I was kidding about the grenade… make it a crossbow)
See #8. Your future self will plan for the grenade and you can surprise them with the crossbow. REALLY...FORGET ABOUT THE CROSSBOW NOW to trick your future self!

10. Plan ahead
The fact that your future self does appear means that at some time in your future you will travel back in time. BE PREPARED! Wear knife proof clothing (available in the future) and a bullet proof vest as well as a nano grenade shield. Take condoms so you can bang your past lover when they were younger and hotter and thinner. Ensure that you send a clone first to make sure your past self is not going to kill you. Before you travel back in time, ingest a boat load of gingko biloba so that if you do die, people in the past will analyze your blood and think it is a cure-all. Write down the past ten years of Super Bowl scores and then change them to fuck with your past self. Lastly, remember that your past self has some kind of medieval weapon strapped to his/her back… I can’t remember which one for some reason, but be prepared for anything.

51 comments:

Anonymous said...

I did actually laugh out loud. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

This would make one hell of a movie! Make sure you buy the rights and immediately protect them your from future self who will come back and make the movie before you have a chance to...

Business or Leisure? said...

This was fucking terrific. No shit.

Anonymous said...

this is excellent. it goes as a great compliment to my zombie survival guide.

Katla Sanford said...

I want one of the magic brownies you seem to have eaten before writing this. Whoa.

Katla at Thought Volcanoes

tony said...

This was great!! very funny youve been farked

I. Been Dover said...

Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

These people from the future have been stealing our jobs!

Anonymous said...

I agree with that last comment. I'm against immigration from the future. Congress needs to act now!

Mike Arkham said...

Very well written, thanks you made my day!

Adam said...

That was superb!!!!

I have to stop stumbling now, because there's no way I'll find anything funnier than that before bed.

paresh said...

thanks for sharing.

Wayne. said...

Awesome stuff. Two thumbs up.

zlato said...

it's great because it's so very, very funny.

it's horrifying because it's true. I'll be coming back here for more!

Anonymous said...

This was by far the best thing I've read on the internet in god knows how long. Thank you.

FYI Again said...

My advice is, don't bother to go back and meet your lame ass past self. He's just going to ask a bunch of annoying questions and then shoot you anyway.

Better to go way, way back and "write" all the Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd songs, and maybe invent cool stuff like Velcro and Miracle Whip and push up bras. Heck, you could even invent the internet before Al Gore. Then return to your own time and sue the living bejeezeez out of all the a$$holes who ripped off your ideas.

Glynes said...

Like all time-travel material, this is terrific unless I try to think too hard about it, at which time I just become awfully confused. And the only way I'd even let my future self in the door is if she can convince me that life sorted itself out and she got all the good stuff I always wanted!
8-)

Sleepy Scott said...

HolyJuan,

How do you know if one of your friends has been replaced by his/her future self? Just wondering.

Anonymous said...

like, I read this next week. It was funnier the first time

Anonymous said...

halarious. great post.

bertski said...

lolz! that cracked me the hell up! at least i'm prepared now!

Oscar said...

This is sooo funny :)

At some point I started scratching my head being a bit confused :D

LOL+

Anonymous said...

About #8:

Sorry to disapoint you, but your future self will be younger than you... ;)

twin-paradox:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twin_paradox

Theo

Anonymous said...

Why do you travel back in time to steal the idea of this article from me, when you could also be inventing the hover board, solar computer, teleporter or seomthing we have in the future? Sooo stupid!

Doug said...

Listen jerky, i don't need time travel to figure out that you have been, are and will always be an idiot.

djaiv said...

Truly excellent. My distant-future self (DFS) says thank you. My next week self is pissed at you for telling DFS how to protect our/him self(ves).

Black said...

http://intensecoders.com/?p=52

Black said...

http://intensecoders.com/?p=52

sorry, forgot to explain - this guy is stealing your work.

Will said...

Very funny! Thanks for the laugh. Now I know how to prepare for my future self and counter-prepare for my past self!

Ken B said...

1. Have a secret question

The funny thing about this one is that I actually came up with one way back when I was 9 years old.

Pop said...

Ain't gonna happen. If time travel is ever possible in the future then we would already know. Who in the future could keep a secret like that? Now, I could be wrong. Maybe, just maybe all those UFOs are time-travel machines and our future comes to look in on us like we go to zoos to look at our distant past selves; i.e. monkeys, apes, and other types with fur.

Anonymous said...

YOUR STUPID!!

David said...

Time travel does not exist and will not during my lifetime. If it did being 43 now I would have already have met my future self.

Anonymous said...

>>YOUR STUPID!!

I love irony.

pfarrell said...

Very nicely done, I lol'd.

Here's the worst thing about time travel.

Anonymous said...

Wow this was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time! Thanks!!!

Catnip said...

I wish I'd known all this stuff before I met my future self. Still he/I gave me a bunch of sports results to bet on. Who would have thought the 2009 Superbowl would end like that?

I-HATER said...

LOL!! I was LMAO!!!

I HATER HATES...

Robby Lee said...

Some kind of..weird..damn, i feel something spikey in my back pocket..what is it ôo...

HP said...

Good stuff right here. I'm pretty sure I don't need to worry about this, because I know that if my future self were to visit me we'd just end up double teaming some fine ass bitches from the 1500s.

Anonymous said...

PENISPENISPENISPENISPENIS

Anonymous said...

I ONCE GAVE BIRTH TO A FETUS AND THEN I RAPED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND THEN FLUSHED HIM DOWN THE TOILET...EXCEPT THE PIPES WERE LEADING INTO MY MOUTH SO I ATE HIM THEN I TOOK SOME LAXATIVES AND POOPED HIM OUT INTO A CREAMY LIQUID OF BROKEN UP FETUS FINGERS THEN I PROCEEDED TO RAPE MY DOOKIE AND I DIDN'T USE A CONDOM BUT I HAD MY BI-ATCH THERE SO SHE COULD SUCK MY DICK CLEAN. MORAL OF THE STORY? DRINK PLENTY OF LAXATIVES

Recruiting Services said...

I have been reading alot of blogs about writers block and how to cure it. You surrreee did not have a creative block. Actually, I wanna know what activities you partook in to become this creative. This made me laugh!

Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Time travel, huh? Beat this:

http://rlexperiment.blogspot.com/2008/08/welcome-travelers-from-future-day-real.html

How's that for an idea?

Anonymous said...

stumbled upon this ^••^
had a good laugh, i'm a time traveller too

ChuckPeterka said...

I Printed Out the First Two Pages.
Warning to Self. You Are So Screwed !
(signed)
- Me aka You!

Wolfie! said...

Winning money in the future wouldn't work sorry to say, the money would most likely be different... and therefore useless when you returned home.

Wolfie!

Anonymous said...

Hi !.
You may , perhaps curious to know how one can collect a huge starting capital .
There is no initial capital needed You may begin to receive yields with as small sum of money as 20-100 dollars.

AimTrust is what you need
The firm incorporates an offshore structure with advanced asset management technologies in production and delivery of pipes for oil and gas.

It is based in Panama with structures everywhere: In USA, Canada, Cyprus.
Do you want to become really rich in short time?
That`s your choice That`s what you wish in the long run!

I`m happy and lucky, I began to get income with the help of this company,
and I invite you to do the same. It`s all about how to select a proper partner utilizes your savings in a right way - that`s it!.
I take now up to 2G every day, and what I started with was a funny sum of 500 bucks!
It`s easy to get involved , just click this link http://efixemeb.dreamstation.com/gaqazeg.html
and go! Let`s take this option together to become rich

Colton Lebouff said...

its pointless to kill your future self before they kill you to bang your current lover, because if they were to kill you, they would not exist afterwards.

Colton Lebouff said...

#8 is pointless. if your future self were to kill you, they would NOT EXIST AFTERWARDS.

makeanygirlwantto said...

The thing with all time travel is that if it were going to happen, it would've happened by now, because you have all of future time for it to have occurred. The fact it hasn't indicates that it never will. I think the time would be better spent with beautiful women trying to make them want to fukc you, in the here and now :) With aliens...