Neighborhood Sign Feud
This photo is from my buddy Chris who lives in the Tampa area. About six weeks ago, three blocks from his house, the sign on the right popped up in a yard that said "John Lebron at 3006 is a felon on probation". 3006 is the address of the house next door. About three days later, a crudely drawn sign appeared in the yard of 3006 that said "This is true. I was a drug addict, but have been saved by Jesus Christ, my Savior". That sign lasted only a few days and was eventually replaced by the sign you see here on the left which reads "Our neighbor is impotent and can't have children".
{Editor's Note: Chris called me to say the signs have been taken down. Too bad no one took photos and posted them on the internet so that they would live on forever!}
Different angle
The Bird Cage
The Bird Cage burnt down. It was a bar in Prescott, AZ in a place
called Whiskey Row. A total loss.
But this story begins at an ATM machine.
The Huntington Bank next to COSI had a high tech video
remote station. You could contact Huntington
Bank and open an account, dispute some drunken charges or secure a loan. Using my 1988 Honda Civic as collateral, I
bought Miss Sally an engagement ring.
I took the ring home, wrapped it in tissues, snuggled it
into a beer cap and then kept it in my 5th pocket of my jeans,
waiting for the right moment to propose.
The right moment took about three months.
Over Christmas, I bought Sally a camera. To her mom’s dismay, I didn’t propose over
Christmas. While I was out of her house
at the grocery, her mother set the camera on her left hand and claimed it was
an engagement camera. They told me about
it when I got back. I laughed, the ring
safe in its tissue lined bottle cap nest.
Then towards the end of January, we went out west to visit Sally’s
best friend Tanya. She lived in Phoenix
at the time. We spent one night in South
Mountain Park, the largest city park in the United States. We hiked up to an old helicopter pad. It was the perfect night. The sun was setting.
It was beautiful. But we were drunk as all get out and I didn’t want the moment
to be spoiled, even though I knew that Sally might have to be drunk to say “yes.”
Later on that week, we drove north to Prescott. We stayed in this hotel where all the rooms
are themed out. Ours was the Christmas
Room. Tanya's boyfriend and I decided to put on suit jackets
and we all hit an area of town called Whisky Row.
There were several “historic” bars in a row. Inside one of the bars called "The Bird Cage" were bikers. Bikers in leather. Bikers
in chaps. Bikers with cigarettes. Bikers
with hats.
We drank and laughed and watched the bikers.
Around midnight, I could take it no longer.
In this smokey bar, filled with drunks and bikers and drunken
bikers, I asked Miss Sally to sit down on a stool (which almost made her
taller.) I’m sure I said some really
dumb things and then I pulled out the ring and I proposed.
She was stunned. And she said yes.
Did I mention that I had a goatee at the time?
A Question of Odds
My son is studying for his Ohio 3rd Grade Achievement Assessment test. He brought home this practice test and I'm confused. Take a look:
Basically, the test is asking which number will most likely come up next and gives three choices. My kid chose the sucker's bet, the one Vegas hopes you choose. The number with the least amount of roll HAS to come up next... right?
The correct answer is that the die is weighted and that the number six is more likely to come up. Either way, this is wrong.
I think perhaps this is actually testing the parents to see who brings it up to the teacher's attention.
Basically, the test is asking which number will most likely come up next and gives three choices. My kid chose the sucker's bet, the one Vegas hopes you choose. The number with the least amount of roll HAS to come up next... right?
The correct answer is that the die is weighted and that the number six is more likely to come up. Either way, this is wrong.
I think perhaps this is actually testing the parents to see who brings it up to the teacher's attention.
The Mountain
There are three ways to climb The Mountain at night: The Baby Bear
Path, The Momma Bear Path and the Papa Bear Path.
The Baby Bear Path is a sucker’s bet. It is the main path up the mountain. It’s
wide. You can see it in the moon light. There isn’t much to trip you up besides
the gullies that form from erosion. Problem is you have to park in the lot or
down near the front of the park and cops tend to radio in your license plate
when they drive through the park. Don’t
take The Baby Bear Path.
The Papa Bear Path is not recommended. It’s barely a rabbit trail. It goes close to
the edge of the mountain. I assume there is poison ivy. Avoid.
The Mama Bear Path is our path. Park your car on Mt. Pleasant Avenue. Not close to the mountain, but maybe a block
back. Sometime two or three cars have to park.
It’s best not to wait for everyone on the street. Once you park, head towards the mountain and
look for the reflection of headlights. Make
sure you know where you are going to attack the side of the hill. There are several spot to scramble up this
hill. Shit, there’s even a set of concrete stairs that are older than you and I
put together. Find your spot. Commit. Wait for the silence and darkness. Run. Scramble.
You made it. If there
are others, wait. It’s best to walk in a
line together. Watch as they wait to cross the street. See if they picked a bad place to climb where
a tree has fallen and they have to climb over.
I assume the Mama Bear Path is pretty straightforward in the
daylight. In the dark you have to make assumptions and guesses. That path has been there for years and the
trees have decided to give the path a wide berth so you aim away from
trees. The weeds grow up to the path,
but not over it. There are many roots,
walk by lifting your feet up high.
Listen for the leader to give instructions. “Watch the roots.” “Fallen tree.” “Where’s
Russ?”
The Mama Bear Path used to pass by a rotting tree. The tree succumb to time and wet and gravity.
But for a while, the rotting tree was host to a glowing fungus. We stop and
look for the fungus. Sometimes it was hard to see and other nights… other
nights it almost cast shadows it was so bright. We would touch it, but no one thought
to damage it.
The Mama Bear Path intersected the Baby Bear Path about half
way up The Mountain where it took at 90 degree turn. At this point, anyone at the bottom of the
path looking up would not be able to see you.
From this vantage point, you can look up the rest of the
path and see a clear space through the trees and into the night. Lancaster puts out a good bit of light at
night, but not enough to block out the stars. Keep climbing.
At the top of The Mountain there is another 90 degree turn and
some concrete steps. There are metal handrails buried in the stone. Erosion has made most of them worthless. Keep
climbing, you are almost there.
The last few steps are covered by trees so it is a bit like
coming out of a tunnel. The warmer air
from the city below loses a battle with the sandstone face and is pushed up and
over the edge. It’s refreshing and cooling evaporating the sweat from the
climb. The air smells like Lancaster.
During Fairfield County Fair time it smells of Italian sausage, cotton
candy and horse.
At the top, the dudes
usually do The Ceremonial. Face away from the cliff edge, find a tree and
pee. Try not to pee where someone else
has recently performed The Ceremonial.
There’s an iron rail that helps to keep people that follow
rules back from the edge. Duck under the
rail and find a spot to sit. If there are beers, thank the person that carried
them up. Now is also a good time to have a cigarette if you are into such
things.
Conversation. Observations
about blinking lights in the distance or cops pulling cars over. Pretty soon,
an hour or two will have passed. The
beer will be gone and Kit will want something to eat.
Make your way back down. Careful, it’s steep. Make sure you
look for cars before you go sprinting down the hill and into the road.
Go to your car. Get something to eat and share more
conversation. Head home and go to bed.
Even though you’ve changed clothes and brushed your teeth,
you can still smell The Mountain.
The Mountain (Coming Soon)
My friend Terry reminded me today that there was a time in
my life when a close group of friends would climb Mt. Pleasant (Standing Stone
to some) in Lancaster, OH almost on a nightly basis during the summer. When we were
young, we’d climb because it was something to do after work. When we got older, we drag a 12 pack of beer
up with us. Now we climb only once a
year. But we still climb.
The Mountain holds a very dear place in my heart and for
years I thought that I would have the opportunity to write a book or a movie
about it. And so I’ve kept it from you. But I’ve had a change of heart.
Some Mountain stories are too personal to tell. Fortunately
for you, many are not.
I’ll start tonight.
Churches Running Out of Clever Sign Slogans
COLUMBUS, OH - The National League of Churches convened an emergency meeting this past Monday to discuss the scarcity of new, clever church sign messages. Head Writer and Deacon Paul Sims scratched at a sheet of paper attempting to resurrect some of his earlier gems, but to no avail.
“Ever since Pastor Virgil came up with ‘Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church,’ we haven’t come up with squat.”
Unbeknownst to local church goers, most of those clever signs aren’t original. “We have a network of sign writers and we rotate the clever messages on a weekly basis so that a parishioner is unlikely to see the same message twice. Your “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives” sign this week was the clever slogan last week in Glen’s Falls, NY.”
At the emergency meeting, writers from various churches and multiple denominations brainstormed to come up with a few slogans to get them through the next few weeks. Father Mike shared with me the sayings that floated to the top:
The NLC has reached out to Hollywood in an attempt to rejuvenate their creative pool. Deacon Paul Sims laughed, “Those Godless bastards are funny as hell! We got Leno’s people to do a three week, limited, front end crawl with an option for Lent. But we had to fire them when we found out they were all Jewish. And of course, that's not the only fire they'll have to worry about at the end of the day. Oh! That's a good one... I'm going to write that down!”
“Ever since Pastor Virgil came up with ‘Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church,’ we haven’t come up with squat.”
Unbeknownst to local church goers, most of those clever signs aren’t original. “We have a network of sign writers and we rotate the clever messages on a weekly basis so that a parishioner is unlikely to see the same message twice. Your “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives” sign this week was the clever slogan last week in Glen’s Falls, NY.”
At the emergency meeting, writers from various churches and multiple denominations brainstormed to come up with a few slogans to get them through the next few weeks. Father Mike shared with me the sayings that floated to the top:
- Put on your “O” face… your hOly face.
- Don't wait for Jesus to touch your life. Touch Him first.
- Not everyone gets a burning bush.
- Jesus could kick Chuck Norris’ ass (but please don’t say anything to Mr. Norris.)
- Come for the wine, stay for the guilt.
The NLC has reached out to Hollywood in an attempt to rejuvenate their creative pool. Deacon Paul Sims laughed, “Those Godless bastards are funny as hell! We got Leno’s people to do a three week, limited, front end crawl with an option for Lent. But we had to fire them when we found out they were all Jewish. And of course, that's not the only fire they'll have to worry about at the end of the day. Oh! That's a good one... I'm going to write that down!”
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