$7000 is cheap!
I just read the following on CNN concerning the assassination of Benazir Bhutto:
“Pakistani Taliban commander Baitullah Mehsud paid out more than $7,000, including money to purchase suicide jackets, for the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, the chief Pakistani investigator said Sunday.”
All it took was $7K to kill her? By the most conservative figures we are spending about $150 million a day in Iraq. Using those figures, if we hired these guys to do the job, we could assassinate, I mean, rectify 21,428.5 terrorists a day!! Why hasn’t anyone at the Pentagon thought about this a little more? Instead of fighting the Taliban and Al Qaeda, we should hire them. They seem to be able to finish the job. They are equal opportunity as they have men and women do their work. I saw recently they also have started an on-the-job-training program for the mentally handicapped.
Now here’s the genius in all this… by having the Taliban and Al Qaeda do this with suicide bombing, we are taking out two for the price of one. And on top of all that, with all the bad public relations that they get from blowing up shit, their membership will decrease!
As a bonus, we’ll sell our overseas connections the bomb making supplies and vests for re-sale to the “Freedom Bombers.” This will drop our operating costs by 10 – 15%.
By my math, we could end this whole war on terrorism thing in about sixteen days with a little more than 2 billion dollars. Once we run out of terrorists, I’m sure we’ll breathe a sigh of relief and start poking around for other people to start spreading a thick coating of Democracy on.
“Pakistani Taliban commander Baitullah Mehsud paid out more than $7,000, including money to purchase suicide jackets, for the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, the chief Pakistani investigator said Sunday.”
All it took was $7K to kill her? By the most conservative figures we are spending about $150 million a day in Iraq. Using those figures, if we hired these guys to do the job, we could assassinate, I mean, rectify 21,428.5 terrorists a day!! Why hasn’t anyone at the Pentagon thought about this a little more? Instead of fighting the Taliban and Al Qaeda, we should hire them. They seem to be able to finish the job. They are equal opportunity as they have men and women do their work. I saw recently they also have started an on-the-job-training program for the mentally handicapped.
Now here’s the genius in all this… by having the Taliban and Al Qaeda do this with suicide bombing, we are taking out two for the price of one. And on top of all that, with all the bad public relations that they get from blowing up shit, their membership will decrease!
As a bonus, we’ll sell our overseas connections the bomb making supplies and vests for re-sale to the “Freedom Bombers.” This will drop our operating costs by 10 – 15%.
By my math, we could end this whole war on terrorism thing in about sixteen days with a little more than 2 billion dollars. Once we run out of terrorists, I’m sure we’ll breathe a sigh of relief and start poking around for other people to start spreading a thick coating of Democracy on.
Jesus Candy
My wife works at a pre-school. They have events for the kids and sometimes purchase novelty items and decorations concurrent with the theme. There are several vendors that supply these cheap trinkets, baubles and colorful decorations.
One of those companies is the Oriental Trading Company, Inc.
Once you make a single purchase from them, they fill your mailbox on a bi-weekly basis with their catalog. Usually I toss the thing in the recycling bin, but on a whim, I flipped through the catalog. There was the standard birthday kits, St. Patrick’s Day decorations, balloons, Jesus candy… Jesus candy? The Oriental trading Company obviously knows that religious people like to have parties too.
The “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Pack caught my eye.
Several colorful gummy feet in assorted tropical fruit flavors! These footprints are in reference to the “Footprints” poem where a man has a dream that Jesus bailed on him during the toughest times of his life, making him walk alone. Upon further research, I found the original poem ending:
“THE LORD REPLIED:
My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I turned those footprints into sweet candy goodness, so that you would have a snack during those really awful times."
That cleared up everything…
Until I saw the “Colors of Faith” Jelly Bean treat Packet.
“Each assorted flavor jelly bean has a special meaning.” Wow! Kids can have a sugary snack AND be reminded of our God’s graces. The title says, “Thank you Lord for jelly beans. Their rainbow of colors remind me of your love.” Oh! How sweet! Let’s see what the colors represent:
WHAT THE HELL!
RED – God’s Shed Blood
This has got to be a typo or a reference to the Trinity and Jesus’ death on the cross. Either way, it’s still screwed up. They got the color right. It just seems a little gross to be happily chewing and swallowing God’s Type O. (I'm sure God would be a universal donor.) Then I thought perhaps this was the vengeful God candy and it was supposed to read, “God Sheds the Blood of the Unbelievers.” That would make a little more sense and be a warning to other kids in school when a handful of red jelly beans is left in their desk. “Here is some candy for you Billy! Enjoy it as you burn in the eternal hellfires.”
BLACK – Death and the Darkest Day
I thought red was fucked up. Luckily this part of the rainbow reminds me of God’s love.
Is it the goal of the candy to make you repent after lunch? Is it a quick snack for the apocalypse? You can’t take it with you, but why not a little treat before the ascension?
Imagine a screw up at the factory and getting a whole pack of blacks? Would you just kill yourself right there?
What if you don’t like the taste of the white ones? Is that sacrilege? Can you swap “God Created Light” with your friend’s “God’s Purity” and not piss off the Almighty?
These things I do not know. What I do know is that I will never be able to eat a black jellybean again without thinking of the four horsemen riding around and locusts. It’s hard to eat candy and think about locusts.
In case you want to place an order:
Jesus Footprints
Jellybeans of the Apocalypse
One of those companies is the Oriental Trading Company, Inc.
Once you make a single purchase from them, they fill your mailbox on a bi-weekly basis with their catalog. Usually I toss the thing in the recycling bin, but on a whim, I flipped through the catalog. There was the standard birthday kits, St. Patrick’s Day decorations, balloons, Jesus candy… Jesus candy? The Oriental trading Company obviously knows that religious people like to have parties too.
The “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Pack caught my eye.
Several colorful gummy feet in assorted tropical fruit flavors! These footprints are in reference to the “Footprints” poem where a man has a dream that Jesus bailed on him during the toughest times of his life, making him walk alone. Upon further research, I found the original poem ending:
“THE LORD REPLIED:
My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I turned those footprints into sweet candy goodness, so that you would have a snack during those really awful times."
That cleared up everything…
Until I saw the “Colors of Faith” Jelly Bean treat Packet.
“Each assorted flavor jelly bean has a special meaning.” Wow! Kids can have a sugary snack AND be reminded of our God’s graces. The title says, “Thank you Lord for jelly beans. Their rainbow of colors remind me of your love.” Oh! How sweet! Let’s see what the colors represent:
WHAT THE HELL!
RED – God’s Shed Blood
This has got to be a typo or a reference to the Trinity and Jesus’ death on the cross. Either way, it’s still screwed up. They got the color right. It just seems a little gross to be happily chewing and swallowing God’s Type O. (I'm sure God would be a universal donor.) Then I thought perhaps this was the vengeful God candy and it was supposed to read, “God Sheds the Blood of the Unbelievers.” That would make a little more sense and be a warning to other kids in school when a handful of red jelly beans is left in their desk. “Here is some candy for you Billy! Enjoy it as you burn in the eternal hellfires.”
BLACK – Death and the Darkest Day
I thought red was fucked up. Luckily this part of the rainbow reminds me of God’s love.
Is it the goal of the candy to make you repent after lunch? Is it a quick snack for the apocalypse? You can’t take it with you, but why not a little treat before the ascension?
Imagine a screw up at the factory and getting a whole pack of blacks? Would you just kill yourself right there?
What if you don’t like the taste of the white ones? Is that sacrilege? Can you swap “God Created Light” with your friend’s “God’s Purity” and not piss off the Almighty?
These things I do not know. What I do know is that I will never be able to eat a black jellybean again without thinking of the four horsemen riding around and locusts. It’s hard to eat candy and think about locusts.
In case you want to place an order:
Jesus Footprints
Jellybeans of the Apocalypse
Meat Mountain Makes Miss Sally Sick
(Click to enlarge)
Miss Sally saw this ad in a parenting magazine. She said it grossed her out.
Now that I keep looking at it, it's starting to gross me out, too.
"This time, we didn't forget the gravy."
Miss Sally saw this ad in a parenting magazine. She said it grossed her out.
Now that I keep looking at it, it's starting to gross me out, too.
"This time, we didn't forget the gravy."
Mister! Mister!!
For three years I traveled with science museum exhibit, performing demonstrations and assisting guests with the sports related interactive exhibits. A school group excitedly poured into the exhibit one morning and I was swamped with kids wanting to spin like a skater on the angular momentum machine. This requires a bit of attention to the child spinning and I was only able to help one person at a time.
One boy was very excited and from behind me yelled, “Mister! Mister! Look at this!”
I turned my head and replied, “Just a second while I finish with this guest!”
He continued, “Mister! Mister! Come here and look at this!”
I ever so tactfully replied over my shoulder, “Just a second please.”
He ramped up a decibel or two, “Misterrrrrrrrr! Look! Look!”
I stopped the spinning guest and turned to confront the rambunctious child when a teacher walked up to the boy and said, “What do you want to show me?” Her nametag read, “Miss Derr.”
One boy was very excited and from behind me yelled, “Mister! Mister! Look at this!”
I turned my head and replied, “Just a second while I finish with this guest!”
He continued, “Mister! Mister! Come here and look at this!”
I ever so tactfully replied over my shoulder, “Just a second please.”
He ramped up a decibel or two, “Misterrrrrrrrr! Look! Look!”
I stopped the spinning guest and turned to confront the rambunctious child when a teacher walked up to the boy and said, “What do you want to show me?” Her nametag read, “Miss Derr.”
Ly would shit a brick
Back in 1998, I lugged about a ton of river rock, two hundred pounds at a time, up to the Life exhibit. They were a scenic component that I laid out one stone at a time in the very serene, oval, solid wood floor entrance to the Life exhibit. I remember arguing with Ly that we should epoxy the rocks in place. She didn't think it was necessary. I was more concerned about people kicking or throwing them.
Over time, kicking has been an issue. Throwing has not.
Neither one of us ever saw this coming:
I'm glad we didn't glue the rocks down.
Over time, kicking has been an issue. Throwing has not.
Neither one of us ever saw this coming:
I'm glad we didn't glue the rocks down.
Black Team
We are having a weight loss competition at work. I put out this sign over a tray of fudge that someone had left outside the boardroom.
I'm on the Black Team.
I'm on the Black Team.
16 Fun Facts You Never Learned in School
Did you know? Pencil lead contains no lead, but lead contains about 12% graphite.
Did you know? 98% of the earth's sand all came from the same mass of sandstone?
Did you know? The moment between when the second hand on a clock ticks from one second to the next is called a trite.
Did you know? The tradition of throwing rice at a wedding was originally an Amish wedding tradition.
Did you know? “x” is the least used letter on the keyboard while “s” is the most. (w is now in second with the advent of the www.)
Did you know? Most lotions contain mayonnaise.
Did you know? Almonds soaked in tuna and then ingested will diminish a man’s sperm count fifteen fold. Those same almonds ingested by a woman will have no effect besides bad breath.
Did you know? 50% of American students are below average while 50% of all Japanese students are above average.
Did you know? The Great Wall of China is hollow and that locals in remote areas use the empty cavities to house sheep and goats.
Did you know? The average house stairway contain 11 steps.
Did you know? Dental floss was originally made of horse hair soaked in bitters.
Did you know? The inventor of Doritos named them after his wife Dorinda, whom he met when she was his parole officer.
Did you know? It takes the largest wheel on a big wheel the same time to spin a full circle as the small wheel.
Did you know? French law requires that the base of a wine glass be the exact same size as the top opening of the glass.
Did you know? 85% of bald people die of a depression related illness.
Did you know? It takes almost 4 hours for blood from your feet to reach your heart. This is why hypothermia strike the toes first.
Did you know? 98% of the earth's sand all came from the same mass of sandstone?
Did you know? The moment between when the second hand on a clock ticks from one second to the next is called a trite.
Did you know? The tradition of throwing rice at a wedding was originally an Amish wedding tradition.
Did you know? “x” is the least used letter on the keyboard while “s” is the most. (w is now in second with the advent of the www.)
Did you know? Most lotions contain mayonnaise.
Did you know? Almonds soaked in tuna and then ingested will diminish a man’s sperm count fifteen fold. Those same almonds ingested by a woman will have no effect besides bad breath.
Did you know? 50% of American students are below average while 50% of all Japanese students are above average.
Did you know? The Great Wall of China is hollow and that locals in remote areas use the empty cavities to house sheep and goats.
Did you know? The average house stairway contain 11 steps.
Did you know? Dental floss was originally made of horse hair soaked in bitters.
Did you know? The inventor of Doritos named them after his wife Dorinda, whom he met when she was his parole officer.
Did you know? It takes the largest wheel on a big wheel the same time to spin a full circle as the small wheel.
Did you know? French law requires that the base of a wine glass be the exact same size as the top opening of the glass.
Did you know? 85% of bald people die of a depression related illness.
Did you know? It takes almost 4 hours for blood from your feet to reach your heart. This is why hypothermia strike the toes first.
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