Have you heard of carbon credits? We all generate pollution that is usually created through dirty, non-renewable energy. You can offset your bad energy usage by purchasing carbon credits. It’s a bogus way for us to all feel good about setting our air conditioner down to 68 degrees.
I’m not a smart man, but I know an opportunity when I see one. That’s why I am offering, for a small fee, Morality Credits.
Morality Credits can be purchased for a mere $10 per credit. In turn, I will then perform good deeds to combat your immoral acts and to add balance to the universal karma teeter-totter. This gives you the opportunity to sin and wake up in a back alley with a clear conscious.
Say for instance, you want to go out to the nudie bar. On the Morality Credits chart you will see that an hour in the nudie bar (with one lap dance per hour) will cost you two Morality Credits ($20). In turn, I will volunteer with Meals on Wheels for two hours to off set your sins.
If you want to cheat on your spouse, you’ll need to buy ten Morality Credits ($100.) In turn, I will help 320 old ladies to cross the street. Some of you may question, "How do we know you are committing good acts without any proof." That is a very good question which reminds me that doubting is a sin and costs two Morality Credits.
Morality Credits also works the other way. If you are the charitable type and volunteer your time or give money to a charity, I am offering Morality-Bucks, good for future-sins (Morality-Bucks expire one year after they are issued, though the good feelings last forever. Morality-Bucks are non-transferable. Do not taunt Morality-Bucks.) For every goody-two-shoes Morality-Bucks issued, I will do some sinful act to create balance in the universe. Many of you may think that I am double dipping into the sins by giving credit for future sin and then taking on some of the sin myself. That’s OK because we all know that good is better than evil and evil needs to try twice as hard.
You can buy individual Morality Credits for $10 or you can buy a set of 1000 for $200,000 and get 1000 free!
Here is a sample of sins and the necessary Morality Credits needed to balance out your sin.
Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on girlfriend-----4 Morality Credits
Cheating on boyfriend-----20 Morality Credit (girls shouldn’t cheat)
Trip to nudie bar (one hour/one lap dance)-----2 Morality Credits
Drinking when you said you’d work late-----2 Morality Credits
Working late when you said you be drinkin’-----2 Morality-Bucks
Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Sex with a goat-----1 Morality Credits plus 10 more for cheating
So you see, it is advantageous for you to clear your conscious and your wallet to keep the balance balanced.
Contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com if you have a sin that needs an amount determined or if you need to purchase additional credits.
Happy 9th Anniversary
It was nine years ago today that Sally and I got married on Kiawah Island, South Carolina.
Happy Anniversary!
Randy Pausch
"It's not about how to achieve your dreams, it's about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way the Karma will take care of itself; the dreams will come to you."
-Randy Pausch
{Author's note: On July 24th, 2008, Randy Pausch passed away. Though he stressed that we should not mourn his passing, it is impossible to not feel that the Earth is sagging a bit lower in the sky today.}
Randy Pausch will probably be dead in as few as three months. Watch this news story on his final lecture at Carneige/Mellon.
And if that got your attention, you can watch the whole lecture by following the link on this page: http://www.etc.cmu.edu/global_news/?q=node/42.
I have to hope that people learn about Randy and aspire to emulate him. It's a complete shame that the world and especially his family is losing him.
-Randy Pausch
{Author's note: On July 24th, 2008, Randy Pausch passed away. Though he stressed that we should not mourn his passing, it is impossible to not feel that the Earth is sagging a bit lower in the sky today.}
Randy Pausch will probably be dead in as few as three months. Watch this news story on his final lecture at Carneige/Mellon.
And if that got your attention, you can watch the whole lecture by following the link on this page: http://www.etc.cmu.edu/global_news/?q=node/42.
I have to hope that people learn about Randy and aspire to emulate him. It's a complete shame that the world and especially his family is losing him.
It’s Not Cheating If You...
Many people wonder if their actions outside of a relationship could be considered as cheating. I have developed a list of acceptable discrepancies. Check to see if you are a cheater or someone with a very good excuse.
It’s not cheating if you…
...get a handjob from a lesbian.
...have sex with a second cousin.
...get a blowjob in a different country. (And yes, Canada and Mexico are different counties. The District of Columbia is not, but close enough.)
...are being videotaped. (I'd call that auditioning.)
...pay for sex. (That's called a transaction.)
...are about to die or possibly may die in the next 14 days.
...have sex with a paraplegic.
...are stuck in an elevator. (Hitting the EMERGENCY STOP button does not count.)
...are about to do a threesome and your camera skills are lacking.
...the person is on your laminated list.
...the person is really, really famous, but not on your laminated list.
...have sex at a strip club (That never happens.)
...have sex with an ex-spouse.
...have sex with your next spouse.
...are taking one for the team.
...have sex with a dead person. (It's disgusting, but not cheating. Unless the dead person is a relative. That's sick and you are a cheater.)
I hope that helps!
It’s not cheating if you…
...get a handjob from a lesbian.
...have sex with a second cousin.
...get a blowjob in a different country. (And yes, Canada and Mexico are different counties. The District of Columbia is not, but close enough.)
...are being videotaped. (I'd call that auditioning.)
...pay for sex. (That's called a transaction.)
...are about to die or possibly may die in the next 14 days.
...have sex with a paraplegic.
...are stuck in an elevator. (Hitting the EMERGENCY STOP button does not count.)
...are about to do a threesome and your camera skills are lacking.
...the person is on your laminated list.
...the person is really, really famous, but not on your laminated list.
...have sex at a strip club (That never happens.)
...have sex with an ex-spouse.
...have sex with your next spouse.
...are taking one for the team.
...have sex with a dead person. (It's disgusting, but not cheating. Unless the dead person is a relative. That's sick and you are a cheater.)
I hope that helps!
Gap Commercial or HolyJuan is really gay
{Author's note: This video has been removed from YouTube, but I found a different version on some Russian web site. You'll have to click the link to get there as I fail at html.}
This commercial came out in 2004. I love the re-mix of the Kool and the Gang song.
Fresh Crop
It's that first few seconds, that beat... that's what makes me gay.
Here's the second version, just for shits and giggles.
Fresh Crop 2
This commercial came out in 2004. I love the re-mix of the Kool and the Gang song.
Fresh Crop
It's that first few seconds, that beat... that's what makes me gay.
Here's the second version, just for shits and giggles.
Fresh Crop 2
Looks like you've got a bigger problem than back pain.....like fire shooting out of your ass.
Obviously the worst kind of back pain is ass fire.
Jenn, Jen, Dave and I were eating lunch today when we noticed the Mansfield Newspaper on an adjacent table. What we really noticed was the above ad for people with back problems. Here is the whole ad. (Click to enlarge for a really good look.)
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Now that's GREAT advertising.
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