Morality Credits

Have you heard of carbon credits? We all generate pollution that is usually created through dirty, non-renewable energy. You can offset your bad energy usage by purchasing carbon credits. It’s a bogus way for us to all feel good about setting our air conditioner down to 68 degrees.

I’m not a smart man, but I know an opportunity when I see one. That’s why I am offering, for a small fee, Morality Credits.

Morality Credits can be purchased for a mere $10 per credit. In turn, I will then perform good deeds to combat your immoral acts and to add balance to the universal karma teeter-totter. This gives you the opportunity to sin and wake up in a back alley with a clear conscious.

Say for instance, you want to go out to the nudie bar. On the Morality Credits chart you will see that an hour in the nudie bar (with one lap dance per hour) will cost you two Morality Credits ($20). In turn, I will volunteer with Meals on Wheels for two hours to off set your sins.

If you want to cheat on your spouse, you’ll need to buy ten Morality Credits ($100.) In turn, I will help 320 old ladies to cross the street. Some of you may question, "How do we know you are committing good acts without any proof." That is a very good question which reminds me that doubting is a sin and costs two Morality Credits.

Morality Credits also works the other way. If you are the charitable type and volunteer your time or give money to a charity, I am offering Morality-Bucks, good for future-sins (Morality-Bucks expire one year after they are issued, though the good feelings last forever. Morality-Bucks are non-transferable. Do not taunt Morality-Bucks.) For every goody-two-shoes Morality-Bucks issued, I will do some sinful act to create balance in the universe. Many of you may think that I am double dipping into the sins by giving credit for future sin and then taking on some of the sin myself. That’s OK because we all know that good is better than evil and evil needs to try twice as hard.

You can buy individual Morality Credits for $10 or you can buy a set of 1000 for $200,000 and get 1000 free!

Here is a sample of sins and the necessary Morality Credits needed to balance out your sin.

Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on girlfriend-----4 Morality Credits
Cheating on boyfriend-----20 Morality Credit (girls shouldn’t cheat)
Trip to nudie bar (one hour/one lap dance)-----2 Morality Credits
Drinking when you said you’d work late-----2 Morality Credits
Working late when you said you be drinkin’-----2 Morality-Bucks
Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Sex with a goat-----1 Morality Credits plus 10 more for cheating

So you see, it is advantageous for you to clear your conscious and your wallet to keep the balance balanced.

Contact me at if you have a sin that needs an amount determined or if you need to purchase additional credits.


Anonymous said...

What about a blow job from a lesbian?

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but the Catholic church beat you to the idea of morality credits about 500 years ago.

How about a line of credit extended before you do anything? Kind of like a home equity line. If you've been married for 9 years, you get the 10th year to do whatever you want.

Rach said...

Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit

So does that mean driving 10 MPH over the speed limit is as bad as masturbating to goat porn on your sin balance sheet?

No judgement there.. but.. just a little disturbing.