Churches Running Out of Clever Sign Slogans

COLUMBUS, OH - The National League of Churches convened an emergency meeting this past Monday to discuss the scarcity of new, clever church sign messages. Head Writer and Deacon Paul Sims scratched at a sheet of paper attempting to resurrect some of his earlier gems, but to no avail.

“Ever since Pastor Virgil came up with ‘Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church,’ we haven’t come up with squat.”


Unbeknownst to local church goers, most of those clever signs aren’t original. “We have a network of sign writers and we rotate the clever messages on a weekly basis so that a parishioner is unlikely to see the same message twice. Your “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives” sign this week was the clever slogan last week in Glen’s Falls, NY.”

At the emergency meeting, writers from various churches and multiple denominations brainstormed to come up with a few slogans to get them through the next few weeks. Father Mike shared with me the sayings that floated to the top:

• Put on your “O” face… your hOly face.
• Don't wait for Jesus to touch your life. Touch Him first.
• Not everyone gets a burning bush.
• Jesus could kick Chuck Norris’ ass (but please don’t say anything to Mr. Norris.)
• Come for the wine, stay for the guilt.

Sadly, the internet has brought the secret networking of the creative church-speak to a halt. Dispatcher Ron Creet of The First Methodist Church in Denver Colorado was quick to reveal the problem, “You can’t open the internet without seeing one of our clever church signs. Mrs. Roberta Samuels said she logged on to the AOL and saw her Lutheran Church sign from last week in a photo of a Baptist Church sign and almost had a conniption fit.”

The NLC has reached out to Hollywood in an attempt to rejuvenate their creative pool. Deacon Paul Sims laughed, “Those Godless bastards are funny as hell! We got Leno’s people to do a three week, limited, front end crawl with an option for Lent. But we had to fire them when we found out they were all Jewish. And of course, that's not the only fire they'll have to worry about at the end of the day. Oh! That's a good one... I'm going to write that down!”

Helpful Cooking Hints With HolyJuan: Butter

Butter is in every single recipe. If it is not in a recipe you are using, you are cooking incorrectly. Here's a simple trick I learned.

When using butter, they usually ask that you measure out the butter in tablespoons. Instead of getting out a an actual tablespoon and making a mess, use the stick of butter measuring lines.  I'm making mac and cheese and need 4 tablespoons of butter.

FIRST: Get out your stick of butter and notice the marked lines.

SECOND: Cut the lines until you get to the 4 TBSP mark.

THIRD: We only need the 4 TBSP, so throw out the other chunks.

FOURTH: Put the 4 TBSP in the recipe. Done and done!

Look for more Cooking with HolyJuan tips in the future!

The Tin Man Sighed

The Tin Man sighed. Most tin men would just squeak. Or make chittering noises as their parts rub together. When there were armies of tin men, poised in front of the giant forests of Oz, they would clatter with the anticipation of the chopping. Oh, the chopping. But that was long, long ago when there were many tin men. By the time you met the Tin Man, he was only one of the five that still stomped upon Oz. Now, he was the only one left.

When you first met the Tin Man, He was frozen in time. Rusted. He was rescued from his oxidized prison and later figured out that he was more than just tin and solder and oil. He had a heart. They called it a heart. I think you and I would call it a soul. He had reason to live. He had reason to be. And he didn't want to stop being.

When you last saw the Tin Man, he was saying good-bye to Dorothy . What you don’t know is that wasn't the last time he saw her. Twice she came back to Oz. Once because she was needed. The second time she never left. The Tin Man has only cried twice. One you know about. The second time you can probably guess. After that, he promised himself that he would never let his heart get in the way again.

The Tin Man never asked for anything, but the people of Oz asked for him to be a leader. They needed a hero and the Wizard had died long ago. The Tin Man never wanted to be powerful, but many needed him to be. Over time, he shed his tin and replaced it with titanium that they borrowed from the Kreuger King’s mines. Mining is like chopping trees, but with a pick and no fear of the dark. In his new skin he led the Great Army of Oz against the Darkness.

And he lost.

The Darkness devoured his army. Then it devoured everything on the surface of Oz. Then, with nothing left to consume, it ate itself. And then it was gone.

The Tin Man survived.  He had no flesh for The Darkness to eat. He had no warmth for The Darkness to absorb. He only had his metal skin and a watch for a heart and maybe a soul. Perhaps The Darkness ate his soul because the Tin Man felt like there was nothing left inside of him.

The Tin Man sighed.

Tin Men are patient.

And so the Tin Man, no longer tin and never really a man, waited.