I had a vasectomy today
I had a vasectomy today. Here are the basics of how my day went:
- Woke up screaming.
- While getting the kids ready for school, I read the “Pre-Surgery” instructions. I learned that I was supposed to be scrubbing my loins for the past five days. I’m sure my cursory “soap across the balls” does not meet their definition of scrubbing.
- Kissed Miss Sally goodbye and confirmed that she would be picking me up at noon thirty.
- Got in the shower and gave myself a good 2 ½ days worth of scrubbing action. By 1867 standards, I would be blind now.
- I shaved my balls.
- I got out of the… hold on, what? You SHAVED YOUR BALLS? That’s right. The instructions said to shave them and they got shaved. I pulled out my grooming kit. Knocked the shrubbery down as short as the guard on the electric trimmer would let me and then I jumped in the shower. Balls are not a good medium to be dragging a sharp blade across. And the reason I know this is because I spent a full 30 minutes bent over and staring at my ugly, wrinkly, bigger than average, dropped melon shaped nutsack. Men, don’t ever examine your balls with your eyes. Check for cancer, but do so with your eyes closed. Women, kudos to you for even getting within three feet of that withered fruit, change purse. Shaving balls is like trying to wrap a coat hanger around a whipped cream covered balloon. As soon as pressure is applied, skin around the man grapes distorts and deflects away from the blade. I found it best to stretch the loose skin in a tennis racquet stringer to create the proper tension on the surface. Let's just say I pulled things taut and did the best I could. Thirty minutes later, I was done.
- I got out of the shower, got dressed and went to Target to buy
tidytighty-whities like the instructions suggested. I also bought two bags of frozen peas. And Swedish Fish (Comfort food, not for a dissolving stitches replacement). - Back at home, I put on tidy-whities for the first time in 25 years. At least now
tidytighty-whities come in different colors. - Sally picked me up and we drove to the MD office. Checked in and only waited 2 minutes before being called back. The MD assistant was very, very cute. We went to room #7. She told me to remove my clothes below the waist and hang them up. It was then that I realized that she would be seeing my shaved balls and cold, shriveled penis. Usually, I bone up very easily and would be concerned/embarrassed about that, but I was nervous and cold and more concerned that the cute chick would have trouble deciding which was balls and which was penis.
- I got undressed and sat on the table. She came back in and gave me a sheet to cover my shame. I laid back and she got everything in the room ready for the surgery. From this point on, I did not look down and instead counted the holes in the ceiling tiles.
- Doc came in and we had some chit chat about the music on the radio and that he was going to feel me up like he did at the previous examination. He then gave me a good scrubbing with some soapy something. I haven’t had that kind of action from a guy in months.
- Surgical pads were placed around my loins so that only my balls were showing. The pads had adhesive on them, but I didn’t find that out until the end.
- There was a shot, some numbing, a little pressure, a little more pressure some chit chat. Then another shot, more pressure, a lot of talk about my work and then it was done.
- Stitch, stitch. That quick.
Since I got home, I’ve been rotating frozen peas on and off my groin every 20 minutes. I’ve taken Advil, though we picked up a prescription pain reliever just in case.
I’ve played Wii. I watched Caddy Shack. I messed around on the computer. The kids came home from pre-school and Greg was as interested as a six year old could be about testicles and what the hell happened to me. He used at least five pronunciations for testicles and he slipped a “balls” in there once or twice with me correcting him to use the proper word.
I’m not sure where he learned to say balls.
Oversimplified Holyboard Rules
Put boards 8' or two board lengths apart.
In 1v1 game, both throw from same side and switch ends. In 2v2, teammate is on opposite side, do not switch ends.
Last team to score throws first.
On your turn, throw all three washers, one at a time.
Points are 1, 3, 5 for the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd hole.
Your washers cancel opponent's in same hole.
Play to 21
Must score 21 with 3rd washer or have 21 and have your 3rd washer land on the board and stick.
If you go over 21, you go back that number of points from your starting score that round.
Email holyjuan@gmail.com with questions.
Installation Underwear
In December of 2012, Keegan and I were in Las Vegas for an
exhibit installation at the Discovery Children's Museum. We were wrapping up
the installation, but had to extend our stay due to some delays and city
inspections that, oddly enough, took place over the weekend.
 |
| Saturday night after a successful inspection. |
Underwear purchased, we headed to Hoover Dam for a day of tourist fun and then traveled home a few days later.
 |
| Keegan on the bypass bridge overlooking Hoover Dam |
 |
| What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas |
After returning to work for a week, Keegan and I were summoned to the front desk. We had turned in our trip expenses and the Finance Woman in charge of going through the receipts had some questions for us. She had clearly been interrogating Keegan already, because he looked physically and mentally spent.
Keegan had tried to explain to Finance Woman that it was not
his fault that the trip was extended, and we didn’t have any other alternatives.
She said that she didn’t care what the circumstances were, but he couldn’t
expense underwear. I quickly understood that Keegan had put his underwear on his
expenses for reimbursement. I had not. I believe Keegan had purchased a few other things at Target
that were normal expense items and, shit, why not get the underwear paid for as
well. Our company would normally pay for clothes washing services, but it seems
they had a real problem with paying $9.99 for three pairs of underwear.
Keegan tried to argue that, if he had used the hotel washing
services, it would have cost $30 and he was actually saving the company money. She
didn’t buy that. She said the company would not pay for clothes the employees kept.
That’s when Keegan came up with a brilliant idea: he would give the underwear
back to the company. They would become Installation Underwear. We would keep
them in the job box, and if an employee out on an installation ever needed a pair, due to an extended
install or pants soiling event, they could use a loaner pair of Installation
Underwear.
It was a game changing innovation.
She said no.
Keegan was not reimbursed for his underwear, but I think
him paying $9.99 for story that will last a lifetime is completely worth it.
Christian Group Plans to Change the Names of the Days of the Week
COLUMBUS (FD) – The names for the days of the week are based on old pagan beliefs and mythology and one Ohio Christian coalition group wants to do something about it. The Christian Guardians of His Word are a collection of churches from around Ohio and West Virginia. Church leaders meet on a quarterly basis to discuss regional issues and politics. An emergency meeting was called after one of the members was looking over their child's shoulder at their virtual classroom, saw the teacher's "days of the week" lesson, and realized that the days of the week are based on “weird gods and heathen worship.”
The group decided to create a new set of Christian friendly names for the days of the week and then petition their state and federal representatives to force the government to make it official. The team of representatives from 37 churches gathered at Our Peoples of God’s Church in Columbus, Ohio to decide upon the new, Christian friendly names.
Debate started immediately when someone suggested changing Sunday to "God's Day." It seemed like an obvious change, until one member shouted out that every day is God’s day and they should not narrow it down to one single day. For an hour, debate raged between going with the assumption that everyone would understand that everyday is God’s day and the opposite end of the spectrum of calling Sunday, "God's Day 1" and going through the week in order "God's Day 2", "God's Day 3" and so on. In the end it was decided to call Sunday “Church Day” with the understanding that everyone knows that every day is God's Day.
For the next several hours, the rest of the days of the week were pounded out. Monday would become "Work Day." Tuesday would become "Spirit Day." There was a difference of opinion if Wednesday or Thursday should be called "Wash Day" as different people bathe and do laundry on different days of the week. As many members attend their individual churches on Wednesday as well, they decided to replace Wednesday with “Wash Up Day” to play upon the words sounding like “worship day.” Thursday is to become known as "Love Day" and everyone agreed to call Friday "Pizza Night Day." Saturday, of course, will be known as "The Day Before Church Day."
The Christian Guardians of His Word have put together a statement of suggestion and will begin petitioning their representatives in the new year on Love Day the 4th in God’s Month 2.
The group decided to create a new set of Christian friendly names for the days of the week and then petition their state and federal representatives to force the government to make it official. The team of representatives from 37 churches gathered at Our Peoples of God’s Church in Columbus, Ohio to decide upon the new, Christian friendly names.
Debate started immediately when someone suggested changing Sunday to "God's Day." It seemed like an obvious change, until one member shouted out that every day is God’s day and they should not narrow it down to one single day. For an hour, debate raged between going with the assumption that everyone would understand that everyday is God’s day and the opposite end of the spectrum of calling Sunday, "God's Day 1" and going through the week in order "God's Day 2", "God's Day 3" and so on. In the end it was decided to call Sunday “Church Day” with the understanding that everyone knows that every day is God's Day.
For the next several hours, the rest of the days of the week were pounded out. Monday would become "Work Day." Tuesday would become "Spirit Day." There was a difference of opinion if Wednesday or Thursday should be called "Wash Day" as different people bathe and do laundry on different days of the week. As many members attend their individual churches on Wednesday as well, they decided to replace Wednesday with “Wash Up Day” to play upon the words sounding like “worship day.” Thursday is to become known as "Love Day" and everyone agreed to call Friday "Pizza Night Day." Saturday, of course, will be known as "The Day Before Church Day."
The Christian Guardians of His Word have put together a statement of suggestion and will begin petitioning their representatives in the new year on Love Day the 4th in God’s Month 2.
How to Download Your Playlist from Grooveshark (for Chrome)
Howdy all! I was contacted by a nice person at Cinch Solution about my broken link to Grooveshark in the article below. For those of you that remember, Grooveshark was a music streaming site that ran into trouble with copyright. It was a great service, but probably because it was breaking the rules. I posted the information below back in 2015 to help folks recover their playlists or similar before the site went down.
If you would like to know more about what happened to Grooveshark, check out this link:
Boy, I really miss writing to you all. If only there was something I could do about that.
Love, HolyJuan
-------------
Grooveshark was a HTML5 website, so it stored data in the browser "Local
Storage.". If you haven't cleared your cache since you last logged into Grooveshark, you can probably retrieve it.
1) Go to www.grooveshark.com
2)
Open Chrome's Developer Tools by hitting (CTRL+SHIFT+I)
3)
Click on "Resources" tab
4)
Expand the "Local Storage" tree
5)
Click on "http://grooveshark.com"
6)
Find the key that looks something like "Library1414435" (it will be a 7+
digit number)
7)
Look at its "value" (it's a JSON string). You should see something
like this "{"lastModified":.....blah blah artist name...
8)
Right-Click on that value
9) Click
"Edit Value"
10) Copy it by hitting CTRL+C
11) Now go to the webiste https://json-csv.com/ and Paste (CTRL +V) the contents of your clipboard into the window
12)
Download the resulting .CSV file
13) Open the .CSV file in Office or Excel
2007 Honda Accord strange electrical issue with solution
What has become of HolyJuan.com when I am posting automotive repair?
We have a 2007 Honda Accord. One day it had the following issues:
headlights not working
blinkers not working
rear passenger side window not working
remote entry not working
Intermittent windshield
(could have been more issue but this was the lot of them)
The engine still started, the hazard lights worked, and the regular windshield wipers worked.
In questioning my son, he said he had left the driver's window open when it rained and the issues started the next day.
In researching on the internet, it seemed there were several people that had slightly similar issues with various Honda make and models. Dissimilar electrical systems all having issues. Solutions given were to check fuses, replacing bulbs, and even to replace the whole fuse units under the hood and at the driver's side dash underside (yikes!)
My solution was to pop out the power window controller and unplug both sets of wires. With the wires disconnected, everything not associated with that control panel worked again. I plugged the wires back in and everything worked again. Thinking I randomly fixed the issue with a loose wire, I popped the power window controller back in and everything stopped working. I removed it again. Removed the wires. Most everything worked. This time I left the turn signal, plugged in both sets of wires, and popped it back in. This time, the blinker stayed on and everything worked.
I assume that I knocked the water out or rubbed the corrosion off or something in my plugging and unplugging. I left a tool in the glove compartment so that if it happens again, my son can temporarily fix it. If you remove the wires from the power window controller, the windows won't work, but he can get home with headlights and blinkers.
I will continue to monitor this and update if needed.
I hope this helps you!
Why I like Thunderheist's "Jerk It" video By that-go
Please be aware that the video below is very suggestive and deserves to be played very loudly in the comfort of your home/apartment/cardboard box behind Starbucks with wifi reception. Not for work. Not to be shared except with me.
I like this video. I have watched it several times and have come to understand myself a little bit better because of this video. I can only hope that you learn a little bit about yourself or that you learn that I am creepy. More creepy.
Please absorb and remember to play this loud and alone:
Wow.
So here is my list of reasons for liking this, kind of in order as they appear in the video:
Great beat
Dancing girl
Pretty girl
No make up
Freckles
Clenched fist
Handjob suggestion
Eyes closed
Boob shake
Slow motion
Sweat
Awesome framing
Detail to the twisting leg
Hair stuck on lip
Crinkled nose
In the end, it's the crinkled nose that did it for me. I don't know why, but when a girl gives you the crinkled nose, it's pretty much on.
I like this video. I have watched it several times and have come to understand myself a little bit better because of this video. I can only hope that you learn a little bit about yourself or that you learn that I am creepy. More creepy.
Please absorb and remember to play this loud and alone:
Wow.
So here is my list of reasons for liking this, kind of in order as they appear in the video:
Great beat
Dancing girl
Pretty girl
No make up
Freckles
Clenched fist
Handjob suggestion
Eyes closed
Boob shake
Slow motion
Sweat
Awesome framing
Detail to the twisting leg
Hair stuck on lip
Crinkled nose
In the end, it's the crinkled nose that did it for me. I don't know why, but when a girl gives you the crinkled nose, it's pretty much on.
Belts and Babysitters
As kids, we had several babysitters. Three of them were
siblings from the same family. I remember disliking the oldest sister (Cathy), liking
the middle sister (Carla), and having a crush on the youngest (Darla). They probably did not
get paid enough to watch the four of us. As a matter of fact, I’m sure you will
think the same after reading this.
One summer day, while we were being watched by Carla, the middle
sister, my brother Steve and I decided to make a rope out of belts and climb
out the second story window. We attached the belts together by just taking the holey
end of one belt, and attaching it to the buckle of another belt. When we ran
out of buckled belts, we just started tying them together. We tested the “rope”
by pulling on it, and our little tug-of-war seemed to stretch the rope, but not
break it. At the second-floor window, we tied the top belt to the bunk bed that
we had slid over to the window. We threw the other end out the window and it
almost reached the ground.
This was a bad idea and Steve and I both knew it. He said I
should try it first because I was lighter. I said he should try it first
because he was taller and would fall a shorter distance if the rope broke. We went
back and forth and finally concluded that neither one of us would go first.
Instead, we decided to pull a prank on Carla.
We pulled the belt rope back up in the house, took off the
bottom half of belts, and tied them around my waist with some slack belts trailing
off. The rest of the belt rope was then lowered out the window where it now
only reached half way down the side of the house.
I snuck outside and laid down on the ground under the
window. Steve ran to Carla, told her I fell, and ran with her outside to where
I was on the ground.
I cannot remember the exact details of what happened in the
next few moments or for the rest of the day. As she put her hands on me, I
remember jumping up and saying that we fooled her. Her reaction was probably 1%
relief and 99% anger. We got in a lot more trouble than we expected and spent
the rest of the day in our room. Carla told our parents and the Atari was taken away from us, probably for a week.
Looking back, that was a pretty good prank. I think we should
have received lesser punishment due to the creativity. Of course, if my kids
did it, I’d take their phones away, probably for a week.
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