**EDIT** OK, no one go to that site. Unless you like old men. Three old men. And love. Because the three old men love each other. A lot.
E-mail Spam Revenge
Got this spam e-mail from someone. He fell for my reply. Don't go to the website in the e-mail, mom.
**EDIT** OK, no one go to that site. Unless you like old men. Three old men. And love. Because the three old men love each other. A lot.
**EDIT** OK, no one go to that site. Unless you like old men. Three old men. And love. Because the three old men love each other. A lot.
The Bacon Pop - Popcorn Secret
I received this box of Bacon Pop - Bacon Flavored Microwave Popcorn as my Reddit Secret Santa Gift. I could not wait to try it!
The directions were the same as regular pop corn except there were a lot more warnings about which side to keep down. There was also a warning in large letters, "Don't Burn Your Bacon."
I started to wonder what the secret to the bacon flavored popcorn was. The packaging said that there was no bacon in the product, only popcorn, oil and bacon flavoring. (It's actually a vegan product!) So I decided to cut it open to see what was inside.
I pulled back the wrapping and found a bunch of kernels of corn with some kind of solidified oil. It was exactly as you might expect. before my disappointment set in, I felt something under my fingers on the side.
It was BACON! Real, raw bacon!
I tried to pull it out, but it was stuck along the top and bottom edges. There was a slab of bacon on either side.
I wasn't going to let this go to waste, so I taped the bag up as best I could.
And put it in the microwave.
There it was! I tried to shake and crinkle it out, but it wouldn't budge. So I got out a knife and scraped it out.
It took some doing and I ended up breaking it into pieces.
Upon further investigation, I found that the bacon had a very sticky substance on either end. Closer inspection revealed that it was a highly concentrated maple syrup. I think this is what kept it stuck to the side.
I think that because the bacon is part of the packaging, it is not actually considered part of the food, so they can still say it is a vegan product. I mean, you don't see "aluminum" in the ingredients on a can of soda, right?
Well, that's all our investigative reporting for today. Next week, we go searching for the palm and olive in Palmolive soap.
There were three bags in the box.
The directions were the same as regular pop corn except there were a lot more warnings about which side to keep down. There was also a warning in large letters, "Don't Burn Your Bacon."
I started to wonder what the secret to the bacon flavored popcorn was. The packaging said that there was no bacon in the product, only popcorn, oil and bacon flavoring. (It's actually a vegan product!) So I decided to cut it open to see what was inside.
I pulled back the wrapping and found a bunch of kernels of corn with some kind of solidified oil. It was exactly as you might expect. before my disappointment set in, I felt something under my fingers on the side.
It was BACON! Real, raw bacon!
I tried to pull it out, but it was stuck along the top and bottom edges. There was a slab of bacon on either side.
I wasn't going to let this go to waste, so I taped the bag up as best I could.
And put it in the microwave.
In about four minutes it was done. The bag barely held together with the tape. The tape was a little stinky, but the bacon smell much more prevalent.
I dumped the bag out into a bowl.
And for some reason, there was no bacon in with the popcorn. I thought that maybe that is how they cook and flavor the popcorn. If the bacon disappears during cooking, then maybe it is not considered a food. But then I looked in the bag.
There it was! I tried to shake and crinkle it out, but it wouldn't budge. So I got out a knife and scraped it out.
It took some doing and I ended up breaking it into pieces.
Upon further investigation, I found that the bacon had a very sticky substance on either end. Closer inspection revealed that it was a highly concentrated maple syrup. I think this is what kept it stuck to the side.
I think that because the bacon is part of the packaging, it is not actually considered part of the food, so they can still say it is a vegan product. I mean, you don't see "aluminum" in the ingredients on a can of soda, right?
Well, that's all our investigative reporting for today. Next week, we go searching for the palm and olive in Palmolive soap.
His Bowel Did Sway and Gurgle
This is a story about Bob. Bob was an elephant of a man.
He flew into Columbus from California for a meeting and his bowels did sway and gurgle.
Back in those days, our office only had one bathroom and its walls reverberated with even the tiniest trickle of liquid dribbling in the bowl. The small room was like a giant sieve and sound and smell alike were not confined within its 80s décor walls.
Bob called for a break and asked for directions to the bathroom.
The wretched sound of the release of his intestines nearly coincided with the slamming of the door.
The entire office heard his agony. He was beyond the point of hiding his shame.
And like standing on the beach and seeing a tsunami in the distance, everyone within earshot knew that there would soon be a wave of putrid, ass death crashing through the office that none could escape.
The smell caused the doorknob to dissolve and the receptionist melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Holly was in the back office and was far enough away that she was only made blind by the smell. She lit a coffee scented candle that had three years’ worth of dust on it. In her haste, she forgot to remove the plastic wrapping on top. The combined smell of ½ digested airplane food, melting plastic and burning coffee dust finished the rest of us off. We all died.
Bob returned to the meeting several minutes later and we continued without saying a word.
He flew into Columbus from California for a meeting and his bowels did sway and gurgle.
Back in those days, our office only had one bathroom and its walls reverberated with even the tiniest trickle of liquid dribbling in the bowl. The small room was like a giant sieve and sound and smell alike were not confined within its 80s décor walls.
Bob called for a break and asked for directions to the bathroom.
The wretched sound of the release of his intestines nearly coincided with the slamming of the door.
The entire office heard his agony. He was beyond the point of hiding his shame.
And like standing on the beach and seeing a tsunami in the distance, everyone within earshot knew that there would soon be a wave of putrid, ass death crashing through the office that none could escape.
The smell caused the doorknob to dissolve and the receptionist melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Holly was in the back office and was far enough away that she was only made blind by the smell. She lit a coffee scented candle that had three years’ worth of dust on it. In her haste, she forgot to remove the plastic wrapping on top. The combined smell of ½ digested airplane food, melting plastic and burning coffee dust finished the rest of us off. We all died.
Bob returned to the meeting several minutes later and we continued without saying a word.
Homestar Helps
The Homestar Runner characters let my co-workers know what kind of day I'm having.
Not sure what it means if I am having a Marzipan day.
The First and Probably Last HolyJuan Caption Contest
Please caption the following photo. Leave your caption in the comments The winner gets an official HolyJuan refrigerator magnet. (Not sold in stores.)
My Reddit Secret Santa Gifts!
If you are not aware of Reddit, you should be. Reddit has a Secret Santa gift exchange where strangers exchange gifts in the spirit of the season.
My gift arrived today! Keegan brought it to my desk and he helped take photos for the unboxing.
It's here!
Keegan let me borrow his knife
Brown paper! Just what I always wanted!
A wrapped box. And the color of the wrapping paper matches my eyes exactly!
OK, not exactly.
More boxes inside the first box.
First up, a bottle of Tentacle Grape soda.
Next is a moustache mug from Modern Madness.
I've finally made it to puberty!
Bacon Flavored Popcorn! What will those crazy scientists think of next?
Extremely cool! A 30th anniversary Pac-Man Moleskine!!
And finally, Jack Daniels and Kahlua Coffees!
My Secret Santa, who chose to remain secret, did such a great job picking out gifts for me. I think my favorite is the Pac-Man Moleskine. Here are some close-ups.
Here's everything together.
Thanks Secret Santa! I hope you got some good stuff, too!
My gift arrived today! Keegan brought it to my desk and he helped take photos for the unboxing.
It's here!
Keegan let me borrow his knife
Brown paper! Just what I always wanted!
A wrapped box. And the color of the wrapping paper matches my eyes exactly!
OK, not exactly.
More boxes inside the first box.
First up, a bottle of Tentacle Grape soda.
Next is a moustache mug from Modern Madness.
I've finally made it to puberty!
Bacon Flavored Popcorn! What will those crazy scientists think of next?
Extremely cool! A 30th anniversary Pac-Man Moleskine!!
And finally, Jack Daniels and Kahlua Coffees!
My Secret Santa, who chose to remain secret, did such a great job picking out gifts for me. I think my favorite is the Pac-Man Moleskine. Here are some close-ups.
Here's everything together.
Thanks Secret Santa! I hope you got some good stuff, too!
Thanks
When all the ones are carried and the columns added up, I really am a prick. I love me. I really do. I have bad feeling that I would be shoving my wife and kids out of the way to the last parachute so that I could carry their memory on from the luxury of some life insurance paid beach.
But what keeps me loving me is the people that feed my ego. And that is you. So I owe you a bit of thanks for reading HolyJuan on a once a year basis when you remember that I actually exist.
When I thought for a few hours last night that my site was deleted and that I would have to piece together the backups and the old files that are on the bottom of the hard drive, I didn’t despair for one minute. Mainly because I know that I need you as much as you really don’t need me. And I can live with that.
Let’s continue as if this never happened.
But what keeps me loving me is the people that feed my ego. And that is you. So I owe you a bit of thanks for reading HolyJuan on a once a year basis when you remember that I actually exist.
When I thought for a few hours last night that my site was deleted and that I would have to piece together the backups and the old files that are on the bottom of the hard drive, I didn’t despair for one minute. Mainly because I know that I need you as much as you really don’t need me. And I can live with that.
Let’s continue as if this never happened.
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