Hand Dryer Helpful Hints


Fuck1ng Pa$$word

At my previous place of employment, our credit card system required you to change your password every three months. Because I only accessed my credit card program once a month, it seem like I was changing it all the time. This made me very angry every time I had to think of a new password. Because I was accessing the program so infrequently, I would have to write the password down. So every third time I would cross off the old password and write the new password down.

Button Weed follow up

It turns out that there really is something called Buttonweed: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diodia

Button Weed

Call me a liar, but it's true... I don't smoke weed. It makes my hands feel big and my head thrums with every heartbeat. I just don't like it. I prefer a safer alternative, like alcohol. But I have some friends that like weed. This is a story about one time when my friend smoked button weed.

We had gone to Cleveland to visit friends. While there at my buddy's apartment, a few of his friends popped by. We were getting ready to head out to a concert/bar, when one of the chicks asked if anyone wanted to smoke some weed. A few did, so they stepped out back.

When they were done, we headed out to the show and then to a bar. All throughout the night, my stoned friend said nothing. He was really, really stoned. Once we were finally at the bar, I asked him when he was going to start speaking again. He said as soon as he remembered what vowels were. The next morning we questioned him as to why he was so stoned. He said that he didn't know and that it must have been the button weed.

I don't know about you, but I am not wise to the different kinds of weed out there. I know you can roll it or smoke it out of a pipe, but that's the extent of my knowledge. When he said "button weed" I assumed it was some type of potent, compressed weed that was in the shape of a button. A fabricated, easy to use portion that you might drop in a pipe or bong. An easy size to sell and transport. (This is starting to sound like a commercial.)

For the past two years, at times when people started talking about weed, I would bring up my friend and his experience with button weed. For some reason, button weed must be a Cleveland thing because no one had heard of it.

Last week found us back up in Cleveland for a less exciting trip. But the story about my friend being stoned came up again and the phrase button weed was mentioned. I remarked that the button weed must be a very regional drug because no one else had heard of it. My friends looked at me as if I was crazy. I explained what I thought button weed was... little, potent, button sized, compressed.

My friends laughed and laughed.

As it turns out, button weed was not used to describe what the weed was but rather what the girl kept it in: the little plastic bag that extra jacket buttons come in. She kept her weed in that bag and there were still some buttons in it with the weed. Button weed.

I'm an idiot.

The Shot

Jen and Robert's wedding was great yesterday. It was wonderful catching up with old friends.

Many drinks were consumed and after we were "asked" to leave the reception, the seven of us walked over to The Tip Top. Some of us ordered drinks. Some of us drank water. One of the water drinkers, who we will call "Mr. G", grew quiet. Then, he quietly walked off behind a planter and reduced the load of wine and cookies in his belly.

Mr. G returned to the table as if nothing had happened.

A few minutes later, Mr. G wandered off again to the delight of everyone on that patio. We couldn't see Mr. G as he had wandered off down the street a good ways, but we knew when he was puking because the crowd down at the other end would release a "whoa!" every time he puked. They said "whoa!" about five times.

Mr. G returned and was very proud that he didn't get his tie dirty.

Ten minutes later, one of the people on the patio that had been yelling "whoa!" showed up at our table with a present for Mr. G.



It was a shot with a lemon on the side. I assumed it was tequila.

Holy shit we laughed. Mr. G took the shot from the dude and was very polite at trying to turn it down. The guy was insistent that Mr. G try the shot. For a split second, we thought he was about to take it. Then he set it down on the table and didn't touch it again.

A few scientific tests later we discovered it was just water with a lemon.

Whoever you are, Shot Guy, thank you for the laugh.

And thank you Mr. G for being a good sport.

Congratulations Jen and Robert!

Erik Eats: MARATHON!

For those of you unaware, Erik and I no longer work together. Let's just say that those sexual harassment "guidelines" actually stand up in court. What this means is that our "Erik Eats" segments are going to be few and far between.

The only good news to all of this is that the food we had stockpiled in my cubical needed Eats and Erik was on board to plow his way through everything we had left. So at my going away party at Hal & Al's in Columbus, OH, we did it.

So here it is: The Erik Eats Marathon.

A bright orange package arrives! What could it contain?


Open carefully!


Oh dear! A treasure trove of delightful solids and liquids!!


It's Super Supau Drink and Kuai Kuai Corn Snack!


And look! Some kind of lollipop thing and Preserved Fruit of Haw!


MORE?

Some kind of crayon shaped food. (With a premature thumbs up.)


Hyper Cool Gum!


How did this get in there?


Let us begin.

Kuai Kuai Corn Snack BAG OPEN!


Smell?


It's just the sweet, sweet smell of coconut.


Eat one.


Eat many!


Nom nom nom nom nom nom.


Erik says.... delicious!


Next!

It's Preserved Fruit of Haw!


It's Preserved Fruit of Haw in a pre-opened package that maybe we might have already gotten into because we were hungry!

Erik removes the last individually wrapped stick of haw fruit from the package.


Erik struggles to remove the wrapper.


Look! A friend has joined us. It's Freckled Jen to the rescue.


Even with Jen's help, Erik struggles to get the wrapper off. Perhaps it is the flashbacks to years ago as an awkward 24 year old when he had trouble getting a wrapper off something else for the first time?


Erik goes in for the age old "Lady and the Tramp" move.


Fail!


Failure or not, Erik goes in for the kill.


Decision?


STILL MORE TO COME!!

Grocery Store Stereotypist

I am a grocery store stereotypist. When I am heading for the line, I look for a few clues that get me though the line quicker. Sometimes I make assumptions. Usually I am right and in the parking lot while you are still counting your change at the self checkout line.

1. The longest line isn’t always the longest
Just because a line is further back than the rest does not essentially mean it will take the longest to get through. Check for families that are going through together. If there are four people and only one cart, chances are it will take them less time to get through than two carts taking up the same about of space.

2. Look out for split orders
When you saunter up to the line, be on the lookout for one person (usually a young woman) separating her purchases into two piles. This usually means she will be paying for part of the order with WIC or food stamps. This takes a good bit of time and a manager and explaining to the customer as to why Jell-o is not one of the approved foods.

3. Look at the nametag
If the cashier has a nametag that has a whole lot of stickers and ribbons and flair, hit their line. They have been at the store for years and know all the fruit/vegetables codes by heart including tomatillos and plantains.

4. Avoid the tobacco line
Many stores have a dedicated tobacco line. This is the only line with cigarettes. Unless the cashier is on the ball, it will take them five minutes to find the Lucky Strike Filter Soft Pack Buy Two Get One Free. You also have to worry about other cashiers coming over to pick up smokes for the people in their line that were trying to avoid standing in the Smoking Line in the first place. Smokers are also too damn chatty with the cashier. Shut up all ready.

5. Coupon people save money, not time
If you see coupons… avoid. The coupon people usually have an 85% fail rate at which one of their coupons is wrong or expired. They’ll whip out their coupon sorting system and try to find the right one. Coupon people also usually pay by check, just to piss me off.

6. Checkbookers
There is no way to tell if someone is going to pay by check. I have done studies. I have read books. I have watched endless hours of security camera tapes only to come up empty handed. I once was 100% sure that the kid in front of me was going to pay with cash/credit card because he showed the sure signs of not being a checkbooker:
a) he was a dude
b) he was buying beer
c) he had no apparent checkbook

What he did have was a single, folded up check in his pocket. Luckily he was buying beer so he had his ID available. If you know of some way to tell, please let me know.

7. Self Checkout isn’t always quicker
Just because you have two items doesn’t mean you should definitely use the self checkout. If there is even one person waiting to use the self checkout, scan the cashier lines. The self checkout always seems to have hiccups when they are full. Just last week I bypassed the self checkout with two people waiting on the four people checking out. As I left the store, one of the two people were still standing in line to use the self checkout.

8. Avoid old people
Sadly, old people suck at going though lines. They like to chit chat. They ask questions. They want dented boxes replaced. They like to pay with check. They don’t know how to use the card scanner. They like paper instead of plastic. They forgot an item and need the bagger to be a good boy and run and get some graham crackers no the ones in the blue box that’s a dearie.

9. Dodge vegans
Vegans are complicated in lines. They tend to buy the organic vegetables which causes a mix up when no one knows the product code. They buy weird packaged which causes a fuss when no one knows when the hell the tempeh expiration date is. They bring their own bags, which is great for the environment, but screws up the bagger. They usually pay in cash, which would normally be fine except that most cashiers have never seen the stuff before. I assume the line at Whole Foods never moves.

10. You can't avoid receipt checkers
Just like with the Checkbookers, it’s hard to know you are in line with a Receipt Checker until they start checking the receipt. You can notice them watching the screen as their groceries are being scanned. When the final price is stated by the cashier, you can almost feel the air being sucked into their lungs so that they can exclaim, “Oh my!” They’ll pay the total, but damnit if they don’t stand there, blocking your advance, going line by line through the receipt, looking for an error. And they’ll question the cashier as if they keep a database of prices in their head. The manager is called in and will hopefully pull the miser off to the side to examine the receipt in detail so that you can continue with your purchases and wait until the very end to pull out your coupons and checkbook and ask for smokes.

The Van is Almost Paid Off

I am not allowed to have new things. I break and damage them too quickly. So we buy used cars.

Four years ago, we were in search of a minivan. We knew we wanted a 2004 Honda Odyssey, but we did not know from where as there are several dealerships in Columbus. It was very nice knowing exactly what car we wanted because there was no wishy washy crap to go through at the car lots.

We found a suitable car at a Columbus dealership and I went in to discuss financing. Sadly, I got the stereotypical financing run around.

First they wanted me to bring our trade in to the dealership before they could run the numbers. I said, give me numbers and then we’ll look at the trade.

They then wanted to know what I wanted to pay a month. I tried to not do this, but ended up giving him a range. He came back with a number hand written on a piece of paper that was higher than my range. He said, do we have a deal?

I said, what’s the percentage rate? He said that he’d have to go back and check.

While he was checking, I called Miss Sally to double check on the price and she said it was $500 more than advertised on the internet.

The salesman came back and gave me a typed up sheet with ten or so random fees, the wrong price, a terrible percentage rate and all this paid out over five years. I told him this was not in my range and that we would need to lower the price of the car or get rid of the bullshit fees. He said he would need to talk with his manager. I said thanks and stood up to leave.

The salesman said, “If you are not happy with the numbers please talk to my manager.” I said no thanks and kept leaving. “Please don’t leave. I will lose my job.” I fell for it. We went to the back office and spoke with the manager. I said I was shopping around and not ready to buy. He told me my time was very valuable and that I was wasting money comparing prices. I said thanks and left.

That next week, I went out to Marysville Honda and had the opposite experience. After looking at the van we saw online, I went in to talk financing. The salesguy printed up a sheet with percentage rates and lengths of loan and monthly payments neatly in a grid. They guy even left me a calculator. I was able to make a sound financial decision from the information presented. Instead of going with a five year loan, I went with a four from the information provided.

As I was writing this up, I remembered that I actually recorded the conversation at the bad dealership. I sat and listened to myself talk to the salespeople and wonder how many other people get caught up in all the bullshit.

I know it is four years late, but I found my experience at Marysville Honda to be top notch and completely opposite of the one at skanky dealership.

BONUS STORY
When I returned to Marysville Honda to drop off my trade in and pick up the van, they had me leave my car up front. At some point, a guy came over and got my keys so that he could drive the car around and switch plates. I handed over my keys and told the guy that the clutch was tricky. Five minutes later, the guy came back in and said he could not get my car to move because the clutch was completely gone. Over the past year, I had become one with my disappearing clutch and able to find the sweet spot that allowed the gears to change. I jumped in and drove it around back. Later they came back around to tell me the bolts on my plates were frozen stuck and that they would need to cut it off. And to think they gave me $500 for the trade in.