Employee Must "Wash Hands" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

My buddy Dustin found this sign in a Columbus, OH restaurant bathroom:


I think this is secret code for "Don't worry about washing your hands if no customers are around, but if they are in the bathroom, at least run the water for a few seconds and make a good show of it."

You can catch Dustin's website at http://dustincharles.wordpress.com/.

Greg Slides - A Documentary

Fixing Palin

Did you know that Sarah Palin has a Twitter account? You should check it out because it is quite hilarious. She types with the ferocity of a fourth grade, dyslexic H4X0R.

What's silly is that it doesn't have to be that hard. You don't have to be illegible when condensing down your insanity to fit within the confines of Twitter. The word for doesn't always have to be Tweeted as "4".

I've started used to stay current on a Twitter account called Fixing_Palin where I retype what she Tweets (sometimes pausing to throw up as I do so), fixing her text and making it all fit in 140 characters.

For instance:


or:


I assume that I will keep this up until she fixes her shit or I get bored.

Ask HolyJuan: Traffic Ticket Revenge

Dear HolyJuan:

I recently received a minor traffic violation from an overly eager, by-the-book police officer. I understand that he was just doing his job, but why pull someone over for going 5 miles per hour over the speed limit when there are real crimes out there? I would like to send my payment to them in a unique way to show how I feel. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Logan Leadfoot


Dear Pb 12 inches,

Sorry about your ticket. Sometimes five miles over the speed limit is too much. I assume you were in a 55 MPH zone doing 60 MPH. Tough break.

Here’s a good way to get revenge. EMBARRASSMENT.

Don’t fight the ticket in court. Just suck it up and prepare to pay with cash. Take the cash and, write “28 handjobs” with marker on each bill. This will really throw them off. Next to that, in pencil, write, “Thanks for the discount!” on each bill.

Then, take the cash and wrap it in nude photos of your wife. A lot of them. Make it so the envelope is THICK with tons of photos in all sorts of positions. I’m hoping postage is somewhere around $13.95.

Next, send the whole thing to a 3rd, neutral party. Say me, for instance. I’m at:

HolyJuan
228 Softwhick Rd
Apt 3D
Westerville, OH 43081

I will then forward the cash and photos to the court so that they do not know it is from you and you cannot get into trouble.

The court may call you in a few weeks to suggest that they did not receive the payment, but this is because they are too embarrassed to admit they saw the words “28 hand jobs.” Just ignore the warnings and smile quite nicely to yourself.

Love,

HolyJuan

The Greatest Gift Ever

At a Christmas party this weekend we had a gift exchange and our buddy Pat created the greatest gift ever:

The Self Pleasure Kit


Contents:
1 tube of lotion
1 travel pack of kleenex
1 framed photo of Josh's Mom

A HolyJuan Family Christmas

The HolyJuan clan wishes you a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. May we all be able to afford our own holiday cards next year.

Will There Be Another Indiana Jones Sequel? -A Greg & Dad Film Production

She Asked HolyJuan

Here is non-photoshopped, visual proof that I have one fan who is actually willing to show her face!


Feel free to Ask HolyJuan yourself by e-mailing me at holyjuan@gmail.com.

Sarah Palin will be remembered for ions to come

Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the next President of the United States on Twitter:


Scientific advice from someone who doesn't know ions from eons.

The Bet is Over

The No More Snow in 2009 Bet is over and I was incorrect.

I've always said that you can make 100 insane predictions and if only one of them comes true, people will forget the failed ones and call you a oracle and buy any book you print.

Back in February of 2009, I predicted that Columbus, OH would not receive any more snow in 2009. This was mainly brought on by a couple of future casts that predicted six feet of snow two weeks out.

Though the end of February and then March we didn't get any snow. Towards the end of April we had some flurries, but nothing else. Summer came and then Fall. While other places around the states got early snow, Columbus remained shielded with a dome of positive thoughts and impossible odds.

Right at the end of November, I shared this bet with my local weatherman. He replied:


But then the weeks started to go by. The snow Jym predicted in the first week never materialized. And by the second week, the future cast looked clear. On Wednesday of this week, they predicted flurries for the weekend. Then by Thursday that was updated to snow. And more snow.

Last night as we drove back from Erik's house, the first hint of snow began to fall and those little tiny flakes crushed my Nostradamus aspirations. This morning there is a carpet of way more than 1/4" inch of snow on the ground and the bet is off.

Please check by again in the first week of January for my predictions of 2010. For those interested, here are the links to my predictions from 2007 and 2008:

2007 Predictions
2008 Predictions