(Conny’s name has been changed to protect his identity. Russ’ name has not.)
Donny was in Columbus for an insurance seminar and planned to stay an extra day so that we could go out for a few drinks. I enlisted a few buddies and we all met for beer, wings and more beer. A few hours later, the group had whittled itself to just Donny, Russ and me. We decided that it would be best if we continued our manly men evening at a strip club.
We went to a little place called Dockside Dolls and settled in towards the back for our first song and drink. Within minutes, Donny was struck by one of his skull splitting headaches. I am fortunate not to get headaches, but my teeth grind when I observe Donny having one of his. He gave it his best effort, but not even the voluptuous temptations of the nudie bar could keep him there. Russ said he would wait for me while I took Donny back to his hotel.
I drove Donny to his hotel. He apologized, got out and I returned to the club.
While I was gone, Russ had worked his way to the stage side seating. From there, the girls would have the patron stand up so that they could take the dollar bill tip in various interesting ways with various interesting body parts. Russ was no fool.
I pulled up a seat next to Russ, stacked my bills, took a drink and waited for my chance to give away my ones.
A young lady came up on stage and sauntered around for her first song. She came by and relieved Russ and I of a few of our bills. For the second song, she took off her top and made another round. I stood up with my dollar bill so there would be no doubt that I wanted to tip her. She stood in front of me and manipulated her breasts with her hands.
A streak of warm liquid arced from her chest and across my face and chest. I was stunned and she was frozen in place, mouth hanging open, starting at what she had done. She quickly turned and walked to the other side of the stage. I wiped my face… it was wet. I kept standing for a moment and looked at my shirt. Yep. A splattering of liquid. I sat down hard.
Russ hadn’t noticed.
I asked, “Did you see that?”
“See what?”
“That girl sprayed milk all over me!”
“What?”
“From her boob! She sprayed me with milk!” I held out my shirt.
Russ is never at a loss for words. “That’s gross.”
I said good-bye and left.
I was disenchanted. I’m not sure if it was the reaction to getting hit with bodily fluids or the more human reaction that this was a nursing mother who was trying to make ends meet by having ham-handed, asshole guys give her a buck or two to see her shake her tits. I was a bit taken aback by the ordeal and really started to wonder if the audience created the service or if there was service that needed an audience. Was I a bad guy for trading dollars for a look at boobs?
It didn’t do any good. There was no lesson learned. I was thinking about going back before my shirt dried. The only thing that has changed is that I now wear a rain slicker and goggles to the club. It’s the only way to be safe.
Two Circle Burns
I have a Troy Bilt EZ-Link trimmer with “an easy to switch out” edger attachment. Last year something went wrong or rather something predictable happened while I was attempting to edge through six inches of accumulated dirt, grass and gravel. The motor would run, but the edger blade would not spin. When I attempted to remove the edger attachment, I had to beat it silly so that it would become an unattachment. I put the trimmer back on and somehow it worked. I promised not to use the edger again because it would only cause me pain and suffering.
Today, after I tried to attach and use the edger attachment, I sat befuddled in the driveway, my fingers covered in grease, metal filings and greasy metal filings. The coupling from the motor end wouldn’t connect with the metal rod from the edger attachment end. The coupling kept pushing back and would disengage after five seconds of operation. I tightened some screws and made a final attempt. It failed again and I removed the attachment. The coupling was sitting where it was supposed to be so I stuck my finger inside it to see if it would resist or push backwards. What I soon found out was that the coupling and metal rod were spinning like crazy against each other creating finger burning friction. I yanked my sizzling finger out and stuck the greasy, metal filing covered finger right in my mouth. Yum.
I have a nicely round burn on my index finger, the lingering aftertaste of grease in my mouth and a Troy Bilt EZ-Link trimmer/edger that doesn’t work. I also have one more story about round burn marks on fingers.
A friend’s brother was working on his car engine. As he leaned in on the engine, his wedding ring came in contact with two points and that completed an electrical circuit. My electrical knowledge is pretty slim, but I know that metal, especially gold, conducts electricity. What I didn’t know was that it also heats the metal up. By the time he felt his finger burning the ring was very very hot. It was so hot that he could not grab it with his other hand and pull it off. It just sat there and burned him. Now when he takes off his ring, you can see a nice round scar.
There’s a joke somewhere in there about marriage, but I dare not find it as my wife has been reading my website and breaking the trimmer has all ready got me in the doghouse.
Today, after I tried to attach and use the edger attachment, I sat befuddled in the driveway, my fingers covered in grease, metal filings and greasy metal filings. The coupling from the motor end wouldn’t connect with the metal rod from the edger attachment end. The coupling kept pushing back and would disengage after five seconds of operation. I tightened some screws and made a final attempt. It failed again and I removed the attachment. The coupling was sitting where it was supposed to be so I stuck my finger inside it to see if it would resist or push backwards. What I soon found out was that the coupling and metal rod were spinning like crazy against each other creating finger burning friction. I yanked my sizzling finger out and stuck the greasy, metal filing covered finger right in my mouth. Yum.
I have a nicely round burn on my index finger, the lingering aftertaste of grease in my mouth and a Troy Bilt EZ-Link trimmer/edger that doesn’t work. I also have one more story about round burn marks on fingers.
A friend’s brother was working on his car engine. As he leaned in on the engine, his wedding ring came in contact with two points and that completed an electrical circuit. My electrical knowledge is pretty slim, but I know that metal, especially gold, conducts electricity. What I didn’t know was that it also heats the metal up. By the time he felt his finger burning the ring was very very hot. It was so hot that he could not grab it with his other hand and pull it off. It just sat there and burned him. Now when he takes off his ring, you can see a nice round scar.
There’s a joke somewhere in there about marriage, but I dare not find it as my wife has been reading my website and breaking the trimmer has all ready got me in the doghouse.
E-bay is great
My grandma was Melba Loughlin. She lived to be 88 years old. Mom said that when she was younger, she was flown to Cuba to sing opera. At some point in her fledgling career, she got pneumonia and when she recovered, she had lost the ability to hit the high notes. I think if you do the math, you'll see that without trips to Cuba, she probably settled down, got married and had the baby that would some day be my mom. Sometimes these things work out.
Where this is going is that later on in life, Melba wrote music for Jack and Jill magazine. Thanks to E-bay, I can track down some of my family's past. Here's the cover and the music and lyrics from one of her songs entitled, "Song for a Summer Morning."
I can't find the issue, but she had a song on the cover of Jack and Jill once. My mom used to sing it to us. It was called, "The Hippy Hippopotamus" and it went something like this:
The Hippy Hippopotamus
Took a ride upon the bus
All the ladies screamed and yelled,
"He's squashing us. He's squashing us."
Where this is going is that later on in life, Melba wrote music for Jack and Jill magazine. Thanks to E-bay, I can track down some of my family's past. Here's the cover and the music and lyrics from one of her songs entitled, "Song for a Summer Morning."
I can't find the issue, but she had a song on the cover of Jack and Jill once. My mom used to sing it to us. It was called, "The Hippy Hippopotamus" and it went something like this:
The Hippy Hippopotamus
Took a ride upon the bus
All the ladies screamed and yelled,
"He's squashing us. He's squashing us."
Ask HolyJuan: Snooping Neighbor with Pooping Dog
Dear HolyJuan,
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
Clinton demands votes from middle school students should count
Lancaster, OH (AP) With Senator Hillary Clinton so close to catching Senator Barack Obama, every vote counts; even if that vote comes from a middle schooler. Earlier today, the Clinton Campaign announced it would seek to count the votes from not only Florida and Michigan, but also the votes from a mock primary election held at the General Sherman Middle School in Lancaster, OH.
"It's a very close race, but if you count, as I count, the 2.3 million people who voted in Michigan and Florida, along with the 82 votes from General Sherman Middle School, then we are going to build on that," the New York senator said.
The mock election was held last Tuesday when the students’ interest in the primaries was piqued after the Ohio primary. Many of the students made posters, held rallies and created negative ad campaigns on YouTube.
Clinton Spokeswoman Norma Wright claimed that the students’ votes should count, “We cannot continue to disenfranchise voters, especially the younger voters. Pissed off kids usually end up becoming Republicans”
Some students did not vote in protest of the electronic voting machines that were used in the mock election. Seventh grader Mark summed it up, “These Sequoia Voting Systems machines are whack.”
General Sherman eight grade Class Treasurer and Hillary Clinton Fan Club president Rhonda Dotts remarked, “The kids that didn’t vote in protest are just doin’ it because it’s cool to protest and not to vote in protest and stuff.”
When was asked about counting the votes won by Obama from the caucus held across the city at Thomas Ewing Middle School, Hillary dismissed the votes explaining, “We can’t win caucuses so we do not believe in them.”
"It's a very close race, but if you count, as I count, the 2.3 million people who voted in Michigan and Florida, along with the 82 votes from General Sherman Middle School, then we are going to build on that," the New York senator said.
The mock election was held last Tuesday when the students’ interest in the primaries was piqued after the Ohio primary. Many of the students made posters, held rallies and created negative ad campaigns on YouTube.
Clinton Spokeswoman Norma Wright claimed that the students’ votes should count, “We cannot continue to disenfranchise voters, especially the younger voters. Pissed off kids usually end up becoming Republicans”
Some students did not vote in protest of the electronic voting machines that were used in the mock election. Seventh grader Mark summed it up, “These Sequoia Voting Systems machines are whack.”
General Sherman eight grade Class Treasurer and Hillary Clinton Fan Club president Rhonda Dotts remarked, “The kids that didn’t vote in protest are just doin’ it because it’s cool to protest and not to vote in protest and stuff.”
When was asked about counting the votes won by Obama from the caucus held across the city at Thomas Ewing Middle School, Hillary dismissed the votes explaining, “We can’t win caucuses so we do not believe in them.”
Words That Need Their Definitions Changed
The following list of words needs their definitions changed and/or updated:
Strike
Let’s start with baseball and common sense. Strike means to hit something. When I strike a nail, I hit it. According to baseball, when I strike a nail, it’s a hit; when I miss a nail it’s a strike. This is just plain crazy when it means the opposite of what actually happened. From now on in every day life, we’ll continue to use the word strike to mean hit, but in baseball, if you swing and miss, it will be called an Opposite Status hit or OShit. Three OShits and you are out.
Next
How many times have you had this conversation?
Other person, “You want to take the next right turn.”
You, “This one?”
Other person, “No, the next one.”
It happens all the time with days of the week. If someone says the concert is next Thursday… you might show up a week too soon. From this point on, next will mean the first next one and not the second next one. If for some reason you are stuck with thinking that there is some ethereal space between the first next and what you consider the definition of next, then say next next.
Example:
“I am going to bang the next girl that walks by.”
Girl starts to walk by.
“I mean, I am going to bang the next next girl that walks by.”
Warning/Watch
Let’s say you are on vacation in a different state and when you turn on the radio you hear that there is a tornado watch. Would you shrug and continue on your business or would you grab the radio and run for the basement or move to an interior room or hallway on the lowest floor and get under a sturdy piece of furniture?
To tell you the truth, I still cannot tell the difference between the two. If someone warns me that they are going to punch me in the face, I’d know that the possibility of a punch in the face was possible. If someone said, “Watch as I punch you in the face” I’d assume that the punch was on its way. The storm people obviously don’t have the same punch in the face definitions that I use. To them, watch means, “Conditions are right for a tornado.” Warning mean, “Get the fuck in the basement.” I think that is backwards and confusing. To relieve all this confusion, I suggest we get rid of both words and replace them with the following:
A Maybe- Conditions are right that maybe a tornado will form and kill you.
A Gahhh – Get the fuck in the basement! (Gahhh is the noise you make right before something bad is about to happen and you need to warn someone, but the words can’t form in your mouth and all that comes out is a guttural noise. You’ll also emit this noise when you are a passenger in a car right before a wreck.)
W
I know W is not a word, but at three syllables, it might as well be. You know the person that made up the pronunciation of W was just trying to piss all the other letter namer people off with not just a two syllable letter but a THREE syllable letter. Jerk. From now on, W will be pronounced “ass.” I think we all know why.
Lower case l / the number 1 and zero / capital letter o
Letter and number confusion were never a prob1em in pre-computer days. We11, maybe back when phone numbers combined 1etters and numbers or maybe on 1icense p1ates. 0n websites with passwords and CAPTCHA, it’s sometimes tough to te11 the difference. 0nly with the correct fonts can the difference be seen. My solution? Keep the number one the same, but make the 1ower case “L” with a circ1e around it so that everyone wi11 know it is a 1etter. Like this:
For the zero and capital O, keep the capital O, but put a line right down the middle of the zero so that people can tell the difference between the two. Like this:
Done and done!
Mortgage
Just because I am hopeful and also because I have a interest-only adjustable-rate mortgage with an 0.5% teaser rate that expires in three weeks and moves up to Prime plus +18%, I suggest we change the spelling of mortgage to Lessgage. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to put another string of lights on the Christmas tree that we left up, just in case.
Strike
Let’s start with baseball and common sense. Strike means to hit something. When I strike a nail, I hit it. According to baseball, when I strike a nail, it’s a hit; when I miss a nail it’s a strike. This is just plain crazy when it means the opposite of what actually happened. From now on in every day life, we’ll continue to use the word strike to mean hit, but in baseball, if you swing and miss, it will be called an Opposite Status hit or OShit. Three OShits and you are out.
Next
How many times have you had this conversation?
Other person, “You want to take the next right turn.”
You, “This one?”
Other person, “No, the next one.”
It happens all the time with days of the week. If someone says the concert is next Thursday… you might show up a week too soon. From this point on, next will mean the first next one and not the second next one. If for some reason you are stuck with thinking that there is some ethereal space between the first next and what you consider the definition of next, then say next next.
Example:
“I am going to bang the next girl that walks by.”
Girl starts to walk by.
“I mean, I am going to bang the next next girl that walks by.”
Warning/Watch
Let’s say you are on vacation in a different state and when you turn on the radio you hear that there is a tornado watch. Would you shrug and continue on your business or would you grab the radio and run for the basement or move to an interior room or hallway on the lowest floor and get under a sturdy piece of furniture?
To tell you the truth, I still cannot tell the difference between the two. If someone warns me that they are going to punch me in the face, I’d know that the possibility of a punch in the face was possible. If someone said, “Watch as I punch you in the face” I’d assume that the punch was on its way. The storm people obviously don’t have the same punch in the face definitions that I use. To them, watch means, “Conditions are right for a tornado.” Warning mean, “Get the fuck in the basement.” I think that is backwards and confusing. To relieve all this confusion, I suggest we get rid of both words and replace them with the following:
A Maybe- Conditions are right that maybe a tornado will form and kill you.
A Gahhh – Get the fuck in the basement! (Gahhh is the noise you make right before something bad is about to happen and you need to warn someone, but the words can’t form in your mouth and all that comes out is a guttural noise. You’ll also emit this noise when you are a passenger in a car right before a wreck.)
W
I know W is not a word, but at three syllables, it might as well be. You know the person that made up the pronunciation of W was just trying to piss all the other letter namer people off with not just a two syllable letter but a THREE syllable letter. Jerk. From now on, W will be pronounced “ass.” I think we all know why.
Lower case l / the number 1 and zero / capital letter o
Letter and number confusion were never a prob1em in pre-computer days. We11, maybe back when phone numbers combined 1etters and numbers or maybe on 1icense p1ates. 0n websites with passwords and CAPTCHA, it’s sometimes tough to te11 the difference. 0nly with the correct fonts can the difference be seen. My solution? Keep the number one the same, but make the 1ower case “L” with a circ1e around it so that everyone wi11 know it is a 1etter. Like this:
For the zero and capital O, keep the capital O, but put a line right down the middle of the zero so that people can tell the difference between the two. Like this:
Done and done!
Mortgage
Just because I am hopeful and also because I have a interest-only adjustable-rate mortgage with an 0.5% teaser rate that expires in three weeks and moves up to Prime plus +18%, I suggest we change the spelling of mortgage to Lessgage. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to put another string of lights on the Christmas tree that we left up, just in case.
Stu and Anne-Marie had a boy
Congratulations go out to Stu and Anne-Marie. Here is their message:
Here is our new son Oscar.
He is so healthy and handsome and very funny already.
Ann-Marie is feeling great, she was amazing.
The earthquake shook him at dawn and I guess that was his cue...
Oscar Henry
Born 11:43 a.m. April 18 2008
8 lbs 10 oz. 21.5 inches
We are so fortunate and happy and hope you can all meet him soon.
Love,
Ann-Marie and Stuart
Here is our new son Oscar.
He is so healthy and handsome and very funny already.
Ann-Marie is feeling great, she was amazing.
The earthquake shook him at dawn and I guess that was his cue...
Oscar Henry
Born 11:43 a.m. April 18 2008
8 lbs 10 oz. 21.5 inches
We are so fortunate and happy and hope you can all meet him soon.
Love,
Ann-Marie and Stuart
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