You know who you are. You woke up on time. You were able to leave a little bit early for work. Your favorite song was on the radio. You drive up to a four way stop just before another car across the way does. He wants to turn left. You have the right of way, but you wave a friendly, “Go ahead!”
Just quit it.
I had a similar incident happen to me this morning. I was on a side road, waiting to turn a dangerous left over four lanes of traffic. I do this often, so I know there is a pause in traffic once ever sixty seconds. I waited for the traffic to go by and a person on the opposite side of the road wanted to turn left on to the side street I was turning out of. I waited for him to turn, but he stopped. I looked over and he was waving for me to go. “Go ahead friend! You go first! I’m nice!!” I pointed at him through the windshield and yelled, “YOU GO.” He had the audacity to stare at me with a pissy little screwed up face as he turned and sped by.
There is a time and a place for niceness. The road is not one of those places. Follow the rules. Do not be nice.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting people drive really fast and cut off others in traffic. That’s just not being nice, that dangerous and assholey. Share the road, but don’t give it away.
I really just want people to follow the rules of the road. Sure it may mean that someone may sit at an intersection for a longer amount of time, but it also means that there will not be an accident when a wave or head bob is misinterpreted as a “I’m nice, you go first Oh shit there’s a car coming… Oops!”
There are situations where you can be polite in your car. Parking lots, the modern day Road Warrior setting, could use a bit of niceness. An accident scene, where everyone has to play nice and merge, deserves a bit of humanity. I don’t think there is anything anyone can do to fix what happens after a concert in the parking lot.
All I ask is this: Share the road. Be polite within the rules of the road. And quit trying to be nice, asshole.
Oh, one other thing... if you are the first one in the left turn lane, pull up and take control of the intersection. It's yours. Take it. Mainly because I am the fourth car back and really need to get to work.
Laminated List Week
It’s the first week of October and you know what that means! It’s UPDATE YOUR LAMINATED LIST week.
As you all know, a laminated list is the three famous people with whom you are allowed to have sex. If ever the opportunity presents itself, you and your partner agree that you have permission to have guilt free sex with the three people on that list.
Every year, during the first week of October, you are allowed to update the list.
So here is my list for 07’ – 08’…
1. Christina Ricci
2. Alyssa Milano (she’s back!)
3. Leelee Sobieski
Sarah Silverman has not made the cut, but she has until the end of this week to convince me.
Who’s on your list?
As you all know, a laminated list is the three famous people with whom you are allowed to have sex. If ever the opportunity presents itself, you and your partner agree that you have permission to have guilt free sex with the three people on that list.
Every year, during the first week of October, you are allowed to update the list.
So here is my list for 07’ – 08’…
1. Christina Ricci
2. Alyssa Milano (she’s back!)
3. Leelee Sobieski
Sarah Silverman has not made the cut, but she has until the end of this week to convince me.
Who’s on your list?
Rejection (Number two)
I suppose that knowing you are being rejected is better than never hearing anything back from a publisher. I've sent out "The Power of Soup" to five publishers and have only heard back from two including this one:
This letter was sent on a half sheet of 8 1/2 x 11 paper. I've got to give it to them for telling me to go fuck off and helping the environment with using 50% less paper.
This letter was sent on a half sheet of 8 1/2 x 11 paper. I've got to give it to them for telling me to go fuck off and helping the environment with using 50% less paper.
You have an interesting accent. Where are you from?
I was friends with a few illegal immigrants for a few months. These illegals were from England, so on the scale of illegals that people grind their teeth about, they were towards the acceptable end.
I was in Denver a few years back when the Californians were just starting to take over the real estate en mass. Right before I moved there, a friend of a friend gave me the name of a guy named Rob who lived in Denver and that I should get in contact with him if I wanted a drink. I wanted a drink, so I called Rob. Rob was very friendly and introduced me to his circle of friends. His circle included a couple of illegal aliens from England.
The one undocumented worker I hung out the most was a brick layer. I forget his name, so I’ll call him Mason. Mason had worked his way across the country. He would get a job at a construction site, give a fake social security number and claim 243 exemptions on his paycheck so that no taxes would be taken out. When Uncle Sam would come knocking, he’d run out the back door. He’d made it from New York to Colorado. Not bad. Mason was in a spot of trouble because he had fallen in love with one of Rob’s American female friends. Love means sticking around and hiding from the government. Love stinks.
We all got together in a bar one night with a large group of Rob’s friends. Two of Mason’s friends showed up as well. They were illegals from England who were working in Vail as midwives. How the hell do you get a job as a midwife when you don’t have residency? Oh well. I can just imagine her accent during the delivery, “Right luv, ya need ta push ‘arder if you wont that bah-bee ta come out. FUKIN' POOSH!”
I was smitten by one of the girls. She had a very think accent and thicker skin. She drank and drank. My two favorite qualities in a woman. She and I stood talking for a few minutes as I tried to pick her up with my endless charm. Another guy slid over and stood by listening in on our conversation, trying to harp in on my action. At some point, he found a pause to interject, “You have a very interesting accent. Where are you from?”
She turned to him and said plainly:
“Me mother’s cunt.”
The guy, though stiff with shock, rolled himself up into a very small ball and wobbled back across the room.
I fell even deeper into love.
But, she wanted nothing to do with me. I tried too hard. She found some other boy that night and I ended up with only this story.
I left Denver a few months later without ever hooking up with an illegal alien. I do not know if Mason stayed in love or continued his Westward run from Uncle Sam.
I was in Denver a few years back when the Californians were just starting to take over the real estate en mass. Right before I moved there, a friend of a friend gave me the name of a guy named Rob who lived in Denver and that I should get in contact with him if I wanted a drink. I wanted a drink, so I called Rob. Rob was very friendly and introduced me to his circle of friends. His circle included a couple of illegal aliens from England.
The one undocumented worker I hung out the most was a brick layer. I forget his name, so I’ll call him Mason. Mason had worked his way across the country. He would get a job at a construction site, give a fake social security number and claim 243 exemptions on his paycheck so that no taxes would be taken out. When Uncle Sam would come knocking, he’d run out the back door. He’d made it from New York to Colorado. Not bad. Mason was in a spot of trouble because he had fallen in love with one of Rob’s American female friends. Love means sticking around and hiding from the government. Love stinks.
We all got together in a bar one night with a large group of Rob’s friends. Two of Mason’s friends showed up as well. They were illegals from England who were working in Vail as midwives. How the hell do you get a job as a midwife when you don’t have residency? Oh well. I can just imagine her accent during the delivery, “Right luv, ya need ta push ‘arder if you wont that bah-bee ta come out. FUKIN' POOSH!”
I was smitten by one of the girls. She had a very think accent and thicker skin. She drank and drank. My two favorite qualities in a woman. She and I stood talking for a few minutes as I tried to pick her up with my endless charm. Another guy slid over and stood by listening in on our conversation, trying to harp in on my action. At some point, he found a pause to interject, “You have a very interesting accent. Where are you from?”
She turned to him and said plainly:
“Me mother’s cunt.”
The guy, though stiff with shock, rolled himself up into a very small ball and wobbled back across the room.
I fell even deeper into love.
But, she wanted nothing to do with me. I tried too hard. She found some other boy that night and I ended up with only this story.
I left Denver a few months later without ever hooking up with an illegal alien. I do not know if Mason stayed in love or continued his Westward run from Uncle Sam.
How pilots at the Airport del Norte in Monterrey, Mexico know when to take off
Photo by: Ramon Morales
Morality Credits
Have you heard of carbon credits? We all generate pollution that is usually created through dirty, non-renewable energy. You can offset your bad energy usage by purchasing carbon credits. It’s a bogus way for us to all feel good about setting our air conditioner down to 68 degrees.
I’m not a smart man, but I know an opportunity when I see one. That’s why I am offering, for a small fee, Morality Credits.
Morality Credits can be purchased for a mere $10 per credit. In turn, I will then perform good deeds to combat your immoral acts and to add balance to the universal karma teeter-totter. This gives you the opportunity to sin and wake up in a back alley with a clear conscious.
Say for instance, you want to go out to the nudie bar. On the Morality Credits chart you will see that an hour in the nudie bar (with one lap dance per hour) will cost you two Morality Credits ($20). In turn, I will volunteer with Meals on Wheels for two hours to off set your sins.
If you want to cheat on your spouse, you’ll need to buy ten Morality Credits ($100.) In turn, I will help 320 old ladies to cross the street. Some of you may question, "How do we know you are committing good acts without any proof." That is a very good question which reminds me that doubting is a sin and costs two Morality Credits.
Morality Credits also works the other way. If you are the charitable type and volunteer your time or give money to a charity, I am offering Morality-Bucks, good for future-sins (Morality-Bucks expire one year after they are issued, though the good feelings last forever. Morality-Bucks are non-transferable. Do not taunt Morality-Bucks.) For every goody-two-shoes Morality-Bucks issued, I will do some sinful act to create balance in the universe. Many of you may think that I am double dipping into the sins by giving credit for future sin and then taking on some of the sin myself. That’s OK because we all know that good is better than evil and evil needs to try twice as hard.
You can buy individual Morality Credits for $10 or you can buy a set of 1000 for $200,000 and get 1000 free!
Here is a sample of sins and the necessary Morality Credits needed to balance out your sin.
Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on girlfriend-----4 Morality Credits
Cheating on boyfriend-----20 Morality Credit (girls shouldn’t cheat)
Trip to nudie bar (one hour/one lap dance)-----2 Morality Credits
Drinking when you said you’d work late-----2 Morality Credits
Working late when you said you be drinkin’-----2 Morality-Bucks
Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Sex with a goat-----1 Morality Credits plus 10 more for cheating
So you see, it is advantageous for you to clear your conscious and your wallet to keep the balance balanced.
Contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com if you have a sin that needs an amount determined or if you need to purchase additional credits.
I’m not a smart man, but I know an opportunity when I see one. That’s why I am offering, for a small fee, Morality Credits.
Morality Credits can be purchased for a mere $10 per credit. In turn, I will then perform good deeds to combat your immoral acts and to add balance to the universal karma teeter-totter. This gives you the opportunity to sin and wake up in a back alley with a clear conscious.
Say for instance, you want to go out to the nudie bar. On the Morality Credits chart you will see that an hour in the nudie bar (with one lap dance per hour) will cost you two Morality Credits ($20). In turn, I will volunteer with Meals on Wheels for two hours to off set your sins.
If you want to cheat on your spouse, you’ll need to buy ten Morality Credits ($100.) In turn, I will help 320 old ladies to cross the street. Some of you may question, "How do we know you are committing good acts without any proof." That is a very good question which reminds me that doubting is a sin and costs two Morality Credits.
Morality Credits also works the other way. If you are the charitable type and volunteer your time or give money to a charity, I am offering Morality-Bucks, good for future-sins (Morality-Bucks expire one year after they are issued, though the good feelings last forever. Morality-Bucks are non-transferable. Do not taunt Morality-Bucks.) For every goody-two-shoes Morality-Bucks issued, I will do some sinful act to create balance in the universe. Many of you may think that I am double dipping into the sins by giving credit for future sin and then taking on some of the sin myself. That’s OK because we all know that good is better than evil and evil needs to try twice as hard.
You can buy individual Morality Credits for $10 or you can buy a set of 1000 for $200,000 and get 1000 free!
Here is a sample of sins and the necessary Morality Credits needed to balance out your sin.
Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on girlfriend-----4 Morality Credits
Cheating on boyfriend-----20 Morality Credit (girls shouldn’t cheat)
Trip to nudie bar (one hour/one lap dance)-----2 Morality Credits
Drinking when you said you’d work late-----2 Morality Credits
Working late when you said you be drinkin’-----2 Morality-Bucks
Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Sex with a goat-----1 Morality Credits plus 10 more for cheating
So you see, it is advantageous for you to clear your conscious and your wallet to keep the balance balanced.
Contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com if you have a sin that needs an amount determined or if you need to purchase additional credits.
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