How pilots at the Airport del Norte in Monterrey, Mexico know when to take off
Photo by: Ramon Morales
Morality Credits
Have you heard of carbon credits? We all generate pollution that is usually created through dirty, non-renewable energy. You can offset your bad energy usage by purchasing carbon credits. It’s a bogus way for us to all feel good about setting our air conditioner down to 68 degrees.
I’m not a smart man, but I know an opportunity when I see one. That’s why I am offering, for a small fee, Morality Credits.
Morality Credits can be purchased for a mere $10 per credit. In turn, I will then perform good deeds to combat your immoral acts and to add balance to the universal karma teeter-totter. This gives you the opportunity to sin and wake up in a back alley with a clear conscious.
Say for instance, you want to go out to the nudie bar. On the Morality Credits chart you will see that an hour in the nudie bar (with one lap dance per hour) will cost you two Morality Credits ($20). In turn, I will volunteer with Meals on Wheels for two hours to off set your sins.
If you want to cheat on your spouse, you’ll need to buy ten Morality Credits ($100.) In turn, I will help 320 old ladies to cross the street. Some of you may question, "How do we know you are committing good acts without any proof." That is a very good question which reminds me that doubting is a sin and costs two Morality Credits.
Morality Credits also works the other way. If you are the charitable type and volunteer your time or give money to a charity, I am offering Morality-Bucks, good for future-sins (Morality-Bucks expire one year after they are issued, though the good feelings last forever. Morality-Bucks are non-transferable. Do not taunt Morality-Bucks.) For every goody-two-shoes Morality-Bucks issued, I will do some sinful act to create balance in the universe. Many of you may think that I am double dipping into the sins by giving credit for future sin and then taking on some of the sin myself. That’s OK because we all know that good is better than evil and evil needs to try twice as hard.
You can buy individual Morality Credits for $10 or you can buy a set of 1000 for $200,000 and get 1000 free!
Here is a sample of sins and the necessary Morality Credits needed to balance out your sin.
Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on girlfriend-----4 Morality Credits
Cheating on boyfriend-----20 Morality Credit (girls shouldn’t cheat)
Trip to nudie bar (one hour/one lap dance)-----2 Morality Credits
Drinking when you said you’d work late-----2 Morality Credits
Working late when you said you be drinkin’-----2 Morality-Bucks
Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Sex with a goat-----1 Morality Credits plus 10 more for cheating
So you see, it is advantageous for you to clear your conscious and your wallet to keep the balance balanced.
Contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com if you have a sin that needs an amount determined or if you need to purchase additional credits.
I’m not a smart man, but I know an opportunity when I see one. That’s why I am offering, for a small fee, Morality Credits.
Morality Credits can be purchased for a mere $10 per credit. In turn, I will then perform good deeds to combat your immoral acts and to add balance to the universal karma teeter-totter. This gives you the opportunity to sin and wake up in a back alley with a clear conscious.
Say for instance, you want to go out to the nudie bar. On the Morality Credits chart you will see that an hour in the nudie bar (with one lap dance per hour) will cost you two Morality Credits ($20). In turn, I will volunteer with Meals on Wheels for two hours to off set your sins.
If you want to cheat on your spouse, you’ll need to buy ten Morality Credits ($100.) In turn, I will help 320 old ladies to cross the street. Some of you may question, "How do we know you are committing good acts without any proof." That is a very good question which reminds me that doubting is a sin and costs two Morality Credits.
Morality Credits also works the other way. If you are the charitable type and volunteer your time or give money to a charity, I am offering Morality-Bucks, good for future-sins (Morality-Bucks expire one year after they are issued, though the good feelings last forever. Morality-Bucks are non-transferable. Do not taunt Morality-Bucks.) For every goody-two-shoes Morality-Bucks issued, I will do some sinful act to create balance in the universe. Many of you may think that I am double dipping into the sins by giving credit for future sin and then taking on some of the sin myself. That’s OK because we all know that good is better than evil and evil needs to try twice as hard.
You can buy individual Morality Credits for $10 or you can buy a set of 1000 for $200,000 and get 1000 free!
Here is a sample of sins and the necessary Morality Credits needed to balance out your sin.
Driving 10 MPH over the speed limit-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on test-----1 Morality Credit
Cheating on girlfriend-----4 Morality Credits
Cheating on boyfriend-----20 Morality Credit (girls shouldn’t cheat)
Trip to nudie bar (one hour/one lap dance)-----2 Morality Credits
Drinking when you said you’d work late-----2 Morality Credits
Working late when you said you be drinkin’-----2 Morality-Bucks
Masturbating to Goat Porn-----1 Morality Credit
Sex with a goat-----1 Morality Credits plus 10 more for cheating
So you see, it is advantageous for you to clear your conscious and your wallet to keep the balance balanced.
Contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com if you have a sin that needs an amount determined or if you need to purchase additional credits.
Happy 9th Anniversary
It was nine years ago today that Sally and I got married on Kiawah Island, South Carolina.
Happy Anniversary!
Randy Pausch
"It's not about how to achieve your dreams, it's about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way the Karma will take care of itself; the dreams will come to you."
-Randy Pausch
{Author's note: On July 24th, 2008, Randy Pausch passed away. Though he stressed that we should not mourn his passing, it is impossible to not feel that the Earth is sagging a bit lower in the sky today.}
Randy Pausch will probably be dead in as few as three months. Watch this news story on his final lecture at Carneige/Mellon.
And if that got your attention, you can watch the whole lecture by following the link on this page: http://www.etc.cmu.edu/global_news/?q=node/42.
I have to hope that people learn about Randy and aspire to emulate him. It's a complete shame that the world and especially his family is losing him.
-Randy Pausch
{Author's note: On July 24th, 2008, Randy Pausch passed away. Though he stressed that we should not mourn his passing, it is impossible to not feel that the Earth is sagging a bit lower in the sky today.}
Randy Pausch will probably be dead in as few as three months. Watch this news story on his final lecture at Carneige/Mellon.
And if that got your attention, you can watch the whole lecture by following the link on this page: http://www.etc.cmu.edu/global_news/?q=node/42.
I have to hope that people learn about Randy and aspire to emulate him. It's a complete shame that the world and especially his family is losing him.
It’s Not Cheating If You...
Many people wonder if their actions outside of a relationship could be considered as cheating. I have developed a list of acceptable discrepancies. Check to see if you are a cheater or someone with a very good excuse.
It’s not cheating if you…
...get a handjob from a lesbian.
...have sex with a second cousin.
...get a blowjob in a different country. (And yes, Canada and Mexico are different counties. The District of Columbia is not, but close enough.)
...are being videotaped. (I'd call that auditioning.)
...pay for sex. (That's called a transaction.)
...are about to die or possibly may die in the next 14 days.
...have sex with a paraplegic.
...are stuck in an elevator. (Hitting the EMERGENCY STOP button does not count.)
...are about to do a threesome and your camera skills are lacking.
...the person is on your laminated list.
...the person is really, really famous, but not on your laminated list.
...have sex at a strip club (That never happens.)
...have sex with an ex-spouse.
...have sex with your next spouse.
...are taking one for the team.
...have sex with a dead person. (It's disgusting, but not cheating. Unless the dead person is a relative. That's sick and you are a cheater.)
I hope that helps!
It’s not cheating if you…
...get a handjob from a lesbian.
...have sex with a second cousin.
...get a blowjob in a different country. (And yes, Canada and Mexico are different counties. The District of Columbia is not, but close enough.)
...are being videotaped. (I'd call that auditioning.)
...pay for sex. (That's called a transaction.)
...are about to die or possibly may die in the next 14 days.
...have sex with a paraplegic.
...are stuck in an elevator. (Hitting the EMERGENCY STOP button does not count.)
...are about to do a threesome and your camera skills are lacking.
...the person is on your laminated list.
...the person is really, really famous, but not on your laminated list.
...have sex at a strip club (That never happens.)
...have sex with an ex-spouse.
...have sex with your next spouse.
...are taking one for the team.
...have sex with a dead person. (It's disgusting, but not cheating. Unless the dead person is a relative. That's sick and you are a cheater.)
I hope that helps!
Gap Commercial or HolyJuan is really gay
{Author's note: This video has been removed from YouTube, but I found a different version on some Russian web site. You'll have to click the link to get there as I fail at html.}
This commercial came out in 2004. I love the re-mix of the Kool and the Gang song.
Fresh Crop
It's that first few seconds, that beat... that's what makes me gay.
Here's the second version, just for shits and giggles.
Fresh Crop 2
This commercial came out in 2004. I love the re-mix of the Kool and the Gang song.
Fresh Crop
It's that first few seconds, that beat... that's what makes me gay.
Here's the second version, just for shits and giggles.
Fresh Crop 2
Looks like you've got a bigger problem than back pain.....like fire shooting out of your ass.
Obviously the worst kind of back pain is ass fire.
Jenn, Jen, Dave and I were eating lunch today when we noticed the Mansfield Newspaper on an adjacent table. What we really noticed was the above ad for people with back problems. Here is the whole ad. (Click to enlarge for a really good look.)
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Now that's GREAT advertising.
Scam Baiting.... again
The following is a series of e-mails between myself and a Nigerian Scammer. To make things interesting, I had the scammer e-mail several different characters. The people you are about to encounter are as follows:
Ibrahim Griffis – the scammer
Frank Stein – original receiver of the e-mail; stomach cancer sufferer
Charles Handsey – Son of Frank, takes over the e-mail process in the middle
Dee Sknuts – business friend of Charles, sneaks the deal away from Charles
I switch back and forth between the participants who are e-mailing. To keep this as easy to read as possible, I will bold the “From: and “To:” within the e-mails. I’ll also edit the top bit to show “From” first. Anything in {brackets} is an editor's note. {Thanks to ILuvNUFC for the line code.}
From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Frank Stein
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Sat, 14 Jul
Hello Dear,
It is my pleasure to contact you today after praying fervently in this order, for a business venture which I intend to establish in your country.{edited out blah blah scammer blah} Trunk Box that contains $9,000,000 (Nine Million United States Dollars) which he made with a security company for safe keeping in this very country. I have verified and confirmed the deposit to be intact. And he registered the box as an African Artwork belonging to his business associate abroad.
After the burial, my late father's family took possesion of all his properties {edited out blah blah scammer balh blah blah} deposited trunk box that contains the above mentioned amount which they are not aware of.
Yours Faithfully,
Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Frank Stein
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2007
Hello Mr. Griffis,
I have received your note and would be happy to assist you. Please let me know how I can help you.
Yours truly,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------
From: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
To: Frank Stein
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007
Dear Frank,
Thanks for your mail response. However I need you to understand that I had made up my mind to live and invest in your country, ever before contacting you. I believe I will be safe with you in your country. {edited out scammer blah blah blah} Lastly I want you to know that I have with me all the documents covering this deposit which was issued directly to my late father by the company on the day of deposit. Again I would love you to be reaching me through this my yahoo alternative email address. I am waiting to hear from you. Pls try and call me with this number +226 7635 4361, immediately you receives this mail so that we can discuss at length the position of things.
Thanks as I expect to hear from you soonest.
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Frank Stein
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007
Dearest Griffis,
What an opportunity! I would love to help, but alas, I have just been diagnosed with Stomach Cancer this morning and do not have long to live on this Earth. The money might help to find a cure for me or to help pay for the Stomach Cancer Medicine, but probably not fast enough.
I have shared your information with my son, Charles Handsy, and he wants to help you. Please contact him at xxx@gmail.com .
With luck and speed, this money might help us to cure this cancer.
Best of luck,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------
From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Frank Stein
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007 18:08:41 +0200
Dear Frank
If you wants your son to take your place in this matter then tell him to contact me ok, otherwise I will start looking for someone else. It is true that I needed your help but I am not desperate ok. I know I will find someone for sure even when you decline, there will be a way out because the will is already there. Anyway am so sorry for your ill health. May God help you to live because doctors are not God. God is the one that has the final say in your life not the doctors. Doctors do fail most times but God never fails.
Thanks as I pray and wish you quick recovery.
Yours Ibrahim
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Frank Stein
CC: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: Re: From Ibrahim
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2007
Hello Dad,
Is this the guy you were talking about that needs your help? Have him e-mail me with the information. If I cannot help him, I'm sure my cousin Saul would. Saul just inherited that money from his Aunt. I'm hoping I can get my hands on some of that cash before he spends it all!
Love,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From : Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18
Charles,
Please take over this job for me. I am so weak now. Contact Griffis at ibrahimgriffis@yahoo.fr and ask him about the money.
It's getting cloudy in here... this may be the end. I go to sleep now.
Love,
Father
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Frank Stein, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18
Dad? Dad??
Are you OK? DAD!!!
Mr. Griffis, if you get ahold of my father, let me know! I do not
think he is well.
Thank you,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 18th
Dear Charles,
Thanks so much for accepting to help me out in this very matter. However I will be glad if you can call me on phone so that we discuss. I believe your father has given you some information regarding this matter.
Thanks as I expect your response urgently.
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18
Please son... as a final favor to me... help this man...
Do it for your father........
.....
..
.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 19
Hello Mr. Griffis,
My father is in the hospital, but we hope he will get better soon.
Please let me know what information you shared with him.
He mentioned something about some money that you needed taken care of.
Is this an inheritance or something else?
Please let me know,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 20
Dear Charles,
I think your father might have given you every information of my person and what I needed. But I want to tell you now to forward to me your full contact information so that I can forward them to the security company and at the same time introduce you to the company as the very business associate to my late father before you can contact them for the release of this trunk box that contained this $9,000,000.00USD to you. I want here now to call me on phone so that we can discuss.
Thanks
Ibrahim
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Griffis
Jul 20
Mr Griffis,
I am a bit concerned about giving you my personal information at this
point. I do not know if this is a scam or not. Do you have a number
I can call?
I am willing to give out the following information so that you can see
that I would like to move forward with this deal:
Charles Handsy
Columbus, OH
Age 22
I work for Awake! Magazine
I promise you sir that I can be trusted, but that I also must trust you.
Thank you,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 21
Dear Charles,
Thanks for your mail. Well my dear there are so many evil men and women in our world today. Since the existence of the world evil has always been there even from the very first begining but that does not mean that everybody is evil. No there are trusted people everywhere and that trust is what I have found in you. Pls put every fears behind you because I barely can hot a fly how much my fellow human beings. God forbid. Here is my number and I will be very happy to explain things for you on phone. +226 7607 2337. Pls just say that you will love to speak with Ibrahim. You know I am in a refugee camp. Pls you can only know that I am the one speaking if I say (IN GOD WE TRUST)
I will be waiting anxiously for your call.
Thanks for everything even as I know and believe that everything will soon be finalised successfully.
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 23
Hello Mr. Ibrahim,
I just tried to call you twice and it rings, but no body picks up. It
could also be a busy signal, the ring is very different.
I think it also may be that my phone will not call overseas.
My business partner Dee Sknuts has a phone that can call overseas.
(She is rich enough to afford such a phone.) Please forward the
number to her.
She can be contacted at deesknutsxxx@gmail.com
I NEED to be able to talk to you so that I can believe who you say you
are. Please forward your number as well as the best time to call.
For my fathers' health, please let us make this deal happen.
Signed,
Charles Handsy
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 24
Dear Charles,
I am ready to contact any body. If you wish to let her into this matter then give her my number. You are such a funny fellow, you said you called me but I never noticed any sign of any call. That is strange.
Thanks
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24
Hello Dee,
Here is the gentleman I was speaking about.
Please call him at +226 7635 4367 as soon as possible!!
Time is of the essence if we want to get my father the treatment at the hospital!! They have started the procedure, but only on good faith that we will be able to pay.
I hope to see you soon my sweet!
Signed,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From Dee Sknuts
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24
Hello Charles,
I just tried to call. There was no answer. The ring is very odd. Must be one of those really backward countries.
Please make sure the number is right.
Please keep me up to date with your father's health.
Thanks Chuckie!
Love,
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24
Mr Griffis,
Can you please double check the number and ensure it is correct? We
have both tried to call with no avail.
We are really in need of this money!!!
I have your number as +226 7635 4367 Is that a public phone at the
refugee camp? Is that why we are having a problem?
Please help,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
{And now a voice from the past!}
From: Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 25
Son....
My health is failing, but even I can see that you have the phone number wrong.
Please get with Mr Griffis to get the right number.
Oh! The pain.
Signed,
Dad
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 26)
The number is +22676354361. The last number is 1 not 7.
Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 26
Ok Dee! Here is the number!!!
+22676354361
It looks like the first number is the letter "t" and 22676354361. The
last number is a 1. REPEAT the last number is a 1.
I think you have to dial the "t" for foreign calls.
Please call him as soon as possible!
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Snuts
To: Charles Handsy, Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 26
T? I've never heard of dialing a "t." That looks like a plus sign.
Are you sure it means to dial a t?
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From Dee Snuts
To: Charles Handsy
CC: Griffis Ibrahim
date Jul 27, 2007 5:57 PM
Listen Charles... if this person Griffis is not going to help us then I am going to drop out of this deal. You can keep your half of the money. I can invest this $5000 some where else.
Please let me know if he is serious.
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 29
Hello Mr. Ibrahim,
I am separating my association from my partner Charles. I will help you, but please do not tell him that I am helping you. I am done with his foolishness and his "father's cancer." I actually think his father drinks too much. Did you know that he is a Jehovah's Witness? Those people sleep with their own children! Almost as bad as the Muslims.
E-mail me the information you need as soon as possible.
Thank you,
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Jul 30
Dear Dee,
Thanks anyway for your mail. The only way I can believe and trust your seriousness is for you to call me with this number +226 7635 4361. Once I receives your call and speaks with you at lenght thereby giving you every details concerning this matter.
I want you to know that I do not deal with unserious minded people in my life and that is why I never responded to all the mails you people has been sending. I have more serious things to do with my time rather than wasting it on internet while responding to foolish mails.
I was begining to bring someone else that will help me in this matter but let me see how serious you are. Let me just give you that benefit of doubt before looking for an alternative. For cry out loud business is not by force it is either you are in or out. You dont contemplate on how to treat an Emmergency.
Thanks for your understanding.
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 1
Dear Griffis,
I am in complete agreement with you. Why don’t some people just get to the point? I hate when my time is wasted! If you have something to say, just say it. Don’t use up my precious time. If I had time to waste I'd be doing something else! Don’t people understand that I am a busy woman!! I have better things to do. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I cannot believe that people would waste my time with these "e-mails" and make me spend MY valuable time listening to them complain. If you have something to say... SAY IT! I cannot believe that in this day in age with technology that people think we can sit around on the porch like a bunch of porch sitting people and waste time! Enough of that!! If you have something to say, just say it. Don’t use up my precious time. If I had time to waste I'd be doing something else! Don’t people understand that I am a busy woman!! I have better things to do. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself.
I am calling you right now.
I hope that Charles father DIES of stomach cancer. I never liked the guy. Did you know he was a Catholic?
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 2
Griffis,
I cannot seem to make the call. I do not know if I am dialing the number wrong or if I have the wrong international code or what. I am dialing 011+ 226 7635 4361It may also be that my internet phone does not allow me to call overseas.
Is there any way we can do this through the certified mail or over the internet?
You'd think the telephone people would be able to figure this out. Who do they think they are? Protestants?
Love,
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 4
I can see that you are not serious about this project. I have several other offers in my e-mail that I am going to track down. I'm sure THEY will be more helpful.
Good luck, Mr Griffis.
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 7
OK, I have called SIX times! Each time the phone will ring and ring. Do you not have a message service?
You'd think the phone company was being run by a bunch of red neck Arabs.
Get a hold of me as soon as possible.
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 8
Dear Dee
Thanks for your mail and am sorry for the problems in getting me on phone as you may wish to know africans does not have good communication like your part of the world. Pls there is an urgent serious development. I had been ejected out of the camp because somebody implicated me in a case to which I know nothing whatsover about. Right now am roaming about the street, since the catholic where I had stayed for the past 4 days now has asked me to leave tonight. That is why I had not been able to respond to your mails since all these while.
Pls I will need $500 from you so that I can secure an accomodation in any local hotel around for the main time while we wait for the security company to release the trunk box that contained this money to you. Pls send the money to me directly on my name by western union money transfer GODWIN KEN GRIFFIS, CATHOLIC CATHEDRALE, OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. Meanwile I want you to send to me your full address and telephone numbers so that I can submit same to the security company and at the same time introduce you to the security company as the very business associate to my late father, while I shall be giving you the company's contact afterwards and I will also be directing you on how to contact the company in this regard. But pls be informed that there is nothing I can do unless you helps out with this money because I do not even have my transport fare to the security company's office which is very far away from where am been located now.
I will be waiting for your urgent respond to this my pleas.
Thanks
Yours Ibrahim
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 9
I just checked the exchange rate. It says that 500 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 1.05088 US Dollar (USD).
You want me to send you 500 CFA Franc, but that only makes $1.05 in US dollars.
That does not seem like very much.
Are you sure you don’t need like 1000 CFA Franc?
Please let me know.
And damn that catholic for throwing you out on the street! Almost as bad as the Lutherans!
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 10
I asked you to send me five hundred united states dollars. $500usd that is why what I said. Maybe you are just making fun of me anyway, otherwise when you see this sign, even a baby knows that this sign $ means dollars so you telling me all these is completely out of the question. When you wants to helps me then do if not tell me to look for someone else instead of suffering me this way, it will not be of any benefit to you at the end.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 12
Are you calling me stupid? You are the one sleeping in the streets. You are the one living in a refugee camp. You are the one BEGGING me for money.
I'm sorry that I did not understand what type of money you wanted. I am I supposed to know that you can spend US dollars in your country!! I can't spend your money in my country, how am I supposed to know that you can spend my money in your country!!
I have attached a photo of the $500 AMERICAN DOLLARS.
You want it? You better say you were sorry for calling be a baby.
The people at the money transfer office want a secret word as well. What secret word would you like to use that you can remember? Please do not make it a dirty word as I will be embarrassed.
Dee
{The "photo" of the money. I think there's actually about a hundred thousand dollars in that photo.}
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 13
Thanks and am sincerely sorry ok. You can make this question and answer text like this:
QUESTION: TO WHO?
ANSWER : IBRAHIM
Thanks so much as I will be waiting to hear from you soonest.
Yours Godwin
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 14
Hey Griffis,
I went to the Western Union office and they sent me home and said that you were a scammer! They said that people are getting scammed all the time.
I know you are different, but they said to make sure.
How can I be sure you are not a scammer? Can you send me a photo or id card?
I'd feel bad if I wasted all this time if you were lying to me.
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 18
Hello,
Am so sorry for keeping you waiting. I had been seriously sick for couple of days now. Well I am still not too good healthwise as at this moment but I struggled my way through to respond to your mail as well send you my photo.
Pls try and send me this money immediately without further requests as this will only worsen my situation healthwise hence I needed this money to buy some drugs urgently.
Thanks s much for everything.
Yours Ibrahim
{His photo. Is this Paris?}
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 26
Well?
It has been five days since I sent you the money and I hear nothing back from you?
You ARE a scammer! I knew I shouldn't have trusted you.
Damn you! Damn you to hell!
Signed for the last time,
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 28
You are very funny. Where is the information of the money you sent. I mean what is the question and answer text, and the control numbers. Honestly I do not understand a bit of what you are saying by calling me scammer. What an embarrasment all for the sake of the little assistance I needed from you. Quite unfortunate my dear.
thanks
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Sep 2
Oh dear Mr. Griffis! I believe I have made a terrible mistake.
I deal with so many offers in Africa that I think I deposited your money in someone else's account!!
I am deeply sorry! You needed the Money Transfer Our code was:
QUESTION: TO WHO?
ANSWER : IBRAHIM
Instead, I sent the money directly to a bank account under a different name. (See attached photo) I crossed out my person information, but you can clearly see I deposited $500 American United States of America United State Dollars into the account.
I am sorry! I am contacting that gentleman and seeing if he can forward the information to him. Here was my letter to him:
To whom it may concern:
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."
Until then, do you still need the $500?
Signed,
Dee Sknutz
{The document}
-------------------------------------------------------
Sadly, that was my last communication with Mr. Griffis. I hope he made it out of the refugee camp. If I hear anything from him, I'll let you know.
Ibrahim Griffis – the scammer
Frank Stein – original receiver of the e-mail; stomach cancer sufferer
Charles Handsey – Son of Frank, takes over the e-mail process in the middle
Dee Sknuts – business friend of Charles, sneaks the deal away from Charles
I switch back and forth between the participants who are e-mailing. To keep this as easy to read as possible, I will bold the “From: and “To:” within the e-mails. I’ll also edit the top bit to show “From” first. Anything in {brackets} is an editor's note. {Thanks to ILuvNUFC for the line code.}
From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Frank Stein
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Sat, 14 Jul
Hello Dear,
It is my pleasure to contact you today after praying fervently in this order, for a business venture which I intend to establish in your country.{edited out blah blah scammer blah} Trunk Box that contains $9,000,000 (Nine Million United States Dollars) which he made with a security company for safe keeping in this very country. I have verified and confirmed the deposit to be intact. And he registered the box as an African Artwork belonging to his business associate abroad.
After the burial, my late father's family took possesion of all his properties {edited out blah blah scammer balh blah blah} deposited trunk box that contains the above mentioned amount which they are not aware of.
Yours Faithfully,
Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Frank Stein
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2007
Hello Mr. Griffis,
I have received your note and would be happy to assist you. Please let me know how I can help you.
Yours truly,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------
From: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
To: Frank Stein
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007
Dear Frank,
Thanks for your mail response. However I need you to understand that I had made up my mind to live and invest in your country, ever before contacting you. I believe I will be safe with you in your country. {edited out scammer blah blah blah} Lastly I want you to know that I have with me all the documents covering this deposit which was issued directly to my late father by the company on the day of deposit. Again I would love you to be reaching me through this my yahoo alternative email address. I am waiting to hear from you. Pls try and call me with this number +226 7635 4361, immediately you receives this mail so that we can discuss at length the position of things.
Thanks as I expect to hear from you soonest.
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Frank Stein
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007
Dearest Griffis,
What an opportunity! I would love to help, but alas, I have just been diagnosed with Stomach Cancer this morning and do not have long to live on this Earth. The money might help to find a cure for me or to help pay for the Stomach Cancer Medicine, but probably not fast enough.
I have shared your information with my son, Charles Handsy, and he wants to help you. Please contact him at xxx@gmail.com .
With luck and speed, this money might help us to cure this cancer.
Best of luck,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------
From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Frank Stein
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007 18:08:41 +0200
Dear Frank
If you wants your son to take your place in this matter then tell him to contact me ok, otherwise I will start looking for someone else. It is true that I needed your help but I am not desperate ok. I know I will find someone for sure even when you decline, there will be a way out because the will is already there. Anyway am so sorry for your ill health. May God help you to live because doctors are not God. God is the one that has the final say in your life not the doctors. Doctors do fail most times but God never fails.
Thanks as I pray and wish you quick recovery.
Yours Ibrahim
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Frank Stein
CC: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: Re: From Ibrahim
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2007
Hello Dad,
Is this the guy you were talking about that needs your help? Have him e-mail me with the information. If I cannot help him, I'm sure my cousin Saul would. Saul just inherited that money from his Aunt. I'm hoping I can get my hands on some of that cash before he spends it all!
Love,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From : Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18
Charles,
Please take over this job for me. I am so weak now. Contact Griffis at ibrahimgriffis@yahoo.fr and ask him about the money.
It's getting cloudy in here... this may be the end. I go to sleep now.
Love,
Father
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Frank Stein, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18
Dad? Dad??
Are you OK? DAD!!!
Mr. Griffis, if you get ahold of my father, let me know! I do not
think he is well.
Thank you,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 18th
Dear Charles,
Thanks so much for accepting to help me out in this very matter. However I will be glad if you can call me on phone so that we discuss. I believe your father has given you some information regarding this matter.
Thanks as I expect your response urgently.
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18
Please son... as a final favor to me... help this man...
Do it for your father........
.....
..
.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 19
Hello Mr. Griffis,
My father is in the hospital, but we hope he will get better soon.
Please let me know what information you shared with him.
He mentioned something about some money that you needed taken care of.
Is this an inheritance or something else?
Please let me know,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 20
Dear Charles,
I think your father might have given you every information of my person and what I needed. But I want to tell you now to forward to me your full contact information so that I can forward them to the security company and at the same time introduce you to the company as the very business associate to my late father before you can contact them for the release of this trunk box that contained this $9,000,000.00USD to you. I want here now to call me on phone so that we can discuss.
Thanks
Ibrahim
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Griffis
Jul 20
Mr Griffis,
I am a bit concerned about giving you my personal information at this
point. I do not know if this is a scam or not. Do you have a number
I can call?
I am willing to give out the following information so that you can see
that I would like to move forward with this deal:
Charles Handsy
Columbus, OH
Age 22
I work for Awake! Magazine
I promise you sir that I can be trusted, but that I also must trust you.
Thank you,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 21
Dear Charles,
Thanks for your mail. Well my dear there are so many evil men and women in our world today. Since the existence of the world evil has always been there even from the very first begining but that does not mean that everybody is evil. No there are trusted people everywhere and that trust is what I have found in you. Pls put every fears behind you because I barely can hot a fly how much my fellow human beings. God forbid. Here is my number and I will be very happy to explain things for you on phone. +226 7607 2337. Pls just say that you will love to speak with Ibrahim. You know I am in a refugee camp. Pls you can only know that I am the one speaking if I say (IN GOD WE TRUST)
I will be waiting anxiously for your call.
Thanks for everything even as I know and believe that everything will soon be finalised successfully.
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 23
Hello Mr. Ibrahim,
I just tried to call you twice and it rings, but no body picks up. It
could also be a busy signal, the ring is very different.
I think it also may be that my phone will not call overseas.
My business partner Dee Sknuts has a phone that can call overseas.
(She is rich enough to afford such a phone.) Please forward the
number to her.
She can be contacted at deesknutsxxx@gmail.com
I NEED to be able to talk to you so that I can believe who you say you
are. Please forward your number as well as the best time to call.
For my fathers' health, please let us make this deal happen.
Signed,
Charles Handsy
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 24
Dear Charles,
I am ready to contact any body. If you wish to let her into this matter then give her my number. You are such a funny fellow, you said you called me but I never noticed any sign of any call. That is strange.
Thanks
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24
Hello Dee,
Here is the gentleman I was speaking about.
Please call him at +226 7635 4367 as soon as possible!!
Time is of the essence if we want to get my father the treatment at the hospital!! They have started the procedure, but only on good faith that we will be able to pay.
I hope to see you soon my sweet!
Signed,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From Dee Sknuts
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24
Hello Charles,
I just tried to call. There was no answer. The ring is very odd. Must be one of those really backward countries.
Please make sure the number is right.
Please keep me up to date with your father's health.
Thanks Chuckie!
Love,
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24
Mr Griffis,
Can you please double check the number and ensure it is correct? We
have both tried to call with no avail.
We are really in need of this money!!!
I have your number as +226 7635 4367 Is that a public phone at the
refugee camp? Is that why we are having a problem?
Please help,
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
{And now a voice from the past!}
From: Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 25
Son....
My health is failing, but even I can see that you have the phone number wrong.
Please get with Mr Griffis to get the right number.
Oh! The pain.
Signed,
Dad
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 26)
The number is +22676354361. The last number is 1 not 7.
Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 26
Ok Dee! Here is the number!!!
+22676354361
It looks like the first number is the letter "t" and 22676354361. The
last number is a 1. REPEAT the last number is a 1.
I think you have to dial the "t" for foreign calls.
Please call him as soon as possible!
Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Snuts
To: Charles Handsy, Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 26
T? I've never heard of dialing a "t." That looks like a plus sign.
Are you sure it means to dial a t?
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From Dee Snuts
To: Charles Handsy
CC: Griffis Ibrahim
date Jul 27, 2007 5:57 PM
Listen Charles... if this person Griffis is not going to help us then I am going to drop out of this deal. You can keep your half of the money. I can invest this $5000 some where else.
Please let me know if he is serious.
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 29
Hello Mr. Ibrahim,
I am separating my association from my partner Charles. I will help you, but please do not tell him that I am helping you. I am done with his foolishness and his "father's cancer." I actually think his father drinks too much. Did you know that he is a Jehovah's Witness? Those people sleep with their own children! Almost as bad as the Muslims.
E-mail me the information you need as soon as possible.
Thank you,
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Jul 30
Dear Dee,
Thanks anyway for your mail. The only way I can believe and trust your seriousness is for you to call me with this number +226 7635 4361. Once I receives your call and speaks with you at lenght thereby giving you every details concerning this matter.
I want you to know that I do not deal with unserious minded people in my life and that is why I never responded to all the mails you people has been sending. I have more serious things to do with my time rather than wasting it on internet while responding to foolish mails.
I was begining to bring someone else that will help me in this matter but let me see how serious you are. Let me just give you that benefit of doubt before looking for an alternative. For cry out loud business is not by force it is either you are in or out. You dont contemplate on how to treat an Emmergency.
Thanks for your understanding.
Yours Ibrahim.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 1
Dear Griffis,
I am in complete agreement with you. Why don’t some people just get to the point? I hate when my time is wasted! If you have something to say, just say it. Don’t use up my precious time. If I had time to waste I'd be doing something else! Don’t people understand that I am a busy woman!! I have better things to do. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I cannot believe that people would waste my time with these "e-mails" and make me spend MY valuable time listening to them complain. If you have something to say... SAY IT! I cannot believe that in this day in age with technology that people think we can sit around on the porch like a bunch of porch sitting people and waste time! Enough of that!! If you have something to say, just say it. Don’t use up my precious time. If I had time to waste I'd be doing something else! Don’t people understand that I am a busy woman!! I have better things to do. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself.
I am calling you right now.
I hope that Charles father DIES of stomach cancer. I never liked the guy. Did you know he was a Catholic?
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 2
Griffis,
I cannot seem to make the call. I do not know if I am dialing the number wrong or if I have the wrong international code or what. I am dialing 011+ 226 7635 4361It may also be that my internet phone does not allow me to call overseas.
Is there any way we can do this through the certified mail or over the internet?
You'd think the telephone people would be able to figure this out. Who do they think they are? Protestants?
Love,
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 4
I can see that you are not serious about this project. I have several other offers in my e-mail that I am going to track down. I'm sure THEY will be more helpful.
Good luck, Mr Griffis.
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 7
OK, I have called SIX times! Each time the phone will ring and ring. Do you not have a message service?
You'd think the phone company was being run by a bunch of red neck Arabs.
Get a hold of me as soon as possible.
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 8
Dear Dee
Thanks for your mail and am sorry for the problems in getting me on phone as you may wish to know africans does not have good communication like your part of the world. Pls there is an urgent serious development. I had been ejected out of the camp because somebody implicated me in a case to which I know nothing whatsover about. Right now am roaming about the street, since the catholic where I had stayed for the past 4 days now has asked me to leave tonight. That is why I had not been able to respond to your mails since all these while.
Pls I will need $500 from you so that I can secure an accomodation in any local hotel around for the main time while we wait for the security company to release the trunk box that contained this money to you. Pls send the money to me directly on my name by western union money transfer GODWIN KEN GRIFFIS, CATHOLIC CATHEDRALE, OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. Meanwile I want you to send to me your full address and telephone numbers so that I can submit same to the security company and at the same time introduce you to the security company as the very business associate to my late father, while I shall be giving you the company's contact afterwards and I will also be directing you on how to contact the company in this regard. But pls be informed that there is nothing I can do unless you helps out with this money because I do not even have my transport fare to the security company's office which is very far away from where am been located now.
I will be waiting for your urgent respond to this my pleas.
Thanks
Yours Ibrahim
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 9
I just checked the exchange rate. It says that 500 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 1.05088 US Dollar (USD).
You want me to send you 500 CFA Franc, but that only makes $1.05 in US dollars.
That does not seem like very much.
Are you sure you don’t need like 1000 CFA Franc?
Please let me know.
And damn that catholic for throwing you out on the street! Almost as bad as the Lutherans!
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 10
I asked you to send me five hundred united states dollars. $500usd that is why what I said. Maybe you are just making fun of me anyway, otherwise when you see this sign, even a baby knows that this sign $ means dollars so you telling me all these is completely out of the question. When you wants to helps me then do if not tell me to look for someone else instead of suffering me this way, it will not be of any benefit to you at the end.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 12
Are you calling me stupid? You are the one sleeping in the streets. You are the one living in a refugee camp. You are the one BEGGING me for money.
I'm sorry that I did not understand what type of money you wanted. I am I supposed to know that you can spend US dollars in your country!! I can't spend your money in my country, how am I supposed to know that you can spend my money in your country!!
I have attached a photo of the $500 AMERICAN DOLLARS.
You want it? You better say you were sorry for calling be a baby.
The people at the money transfer office want a secret word as well. What secret word would you like to use that you can remember? Please do not make it a dirty word as I will be embarrassed.
Dee
{The "photo" of the money. I think there's actually about a hundred thousand dollars in that photo.}
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 13
Thanks and am sincerely sorry ok. You can make this question and answer text like this:
QUESTION: TO WHO?
ANSWER : IBRAHIM
Thanks so much as I will be waiting to hear from you soonest.
Yours Godwin
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 14
Hey Griffis,
I went to the Western Union office and they sent me home and said that you were a scammer! They said that people are getting scammed all the time.
I know you are different, but they said to make sure.
How can I be sure you are not a scammer? Can you send me a photo or id card?
I'd feel bad if I wasted all this time if you were lying to me.
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 18
Hello,
Am so sorry for keeping you waiting. I had been seriously sick for couple of days now. Well I am still not too good healthwise as at this moment but I struggled my way through to respond to your mail as well send you my photo.
Pls try and send me this money immediately without further requests as this will only worsen my situation healthwise hence I needed this money to buy some drugs urgently.
Thanks s much for everything.
Yours Ibrahim
{His photo. Is this Paris?}
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 26
Well?
It has been five days since I sent you the money and I hear nothing back from you?
You ARE a scammer! I knew I shouldn't have trusted you.
Damn you! Damn you to hell!
Signed for the last time,
Dee
------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 28
You are very funny. Where is the information of the money you sent. I mean what is the question and answer text, and the control numbers. Honestly I do not understand a bit of what you are saying by calling me scammer. What an embarrasment all for the sake of the little assistance I needed from you. Quite unfortunate my dear.
thanks
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Sep 2
Oh dear Mr. Griffis! I believe I have made a terrible mistake.
I deal with so many offers in Africa that I think I deposited your money in someone else's account!!
I am deeply sorry! You needed the Money Transfer Our code was:
QUESTION: TO WHO?
ANSWER : IBRAHIM
Instead, I sent the money directly to a bank account under a different name. (See attached photo) I crossed out my person information, but you can clearly see I deposited $500 American United States of America United State Dollars into the account.
I am sorry! I am contacting that gentleman and seeing if he can forward the information to him. Here was my letter to him:
To whom it may concern:
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."
Until then, do you still need the $500?
Signed,
Dee Sknutz
{The document}
-------------------------------------------------------
Sadly, that was my last communication with Mr. Griffis. I hope he made it out of the refugee camp. If I hear anything from him, I'll let you know.
What I learned during my first month at work
I just got back into the cubical work environment. My company is not as starchy as most corporate headache companies I’ve read about, but there is something to learn from working for a larger company. Here’s what I’ve figured out in my first month:
1. Cubicles are AWESOME
Do not believe anyone that says cubical life is horrible. I have 5.5 sq ft of privacy. I can hang whatever photos or knickknacks I want on to the beige, carpeted walls. If I scrunch up, bend just right and use my feet as a pillow, I can sleep under my desk for an afternoon nap. You can also throw a foam ball into the masses of walls and no one will ever know you did it.
2. Know where the first aid kit is
I’ve needed it twice. Once because I was fucking around with a razor sharp knife and the second time because I was imitating what I was doing the first time when I was fucking around with the razor sharp knife.
3. Take the Stairs
Our CEO is a big fan of taking the stairs. If you see him in the stairwell; bonus points. If you are getting on the elevator and he is getting off, ask him, “Is the short cut to the stairs?” or tell him that you are working on a MythBuster’s interactive exhibit and ask if he’s got a tape measure on him.
4. Saying “fuck” is bad
The word fuck travels through cubical walls and office doors. Cutting most of your finger off is not an excuse for cursing. The best you can do is stand up on your desk and say, “Hey! Watch the language,” and hope your VP is at lunch.
5. Having a blog is bad
A blog can be dangerous. Especially when it is mine. What may have helped to get you hired is now a liability. Be careful about writing things that may offend the bald guy in the office or posting photos of you doing dumb shit at the workplace. Do not write about how hot co-workers daughters are! Especially the CEO's. I mean smoking hot.
6. All the good sites are blocked
For years I heard friends lamenting about not being able to get their personal e-mail or visit their favorite website. I told them to suck it up and wait until they got home. Now it is different. I’d say that 50% of the sites I attempt to visit are blocked for some reason. Sure, I can look at the Google cache, but it’s such a pain. It’s not like I am trying to look at porn (mostly.) I’m sure there is a good reason why the sites are blocked, but I’m not about to question why for fear of being monitored. I’ve read about work-arounds to get Gmail or proxies to go to blocked sites, but it’s my first couple of weeks and I do not want the internet lecture just yet.
7. Lunch is a pain
I love to eat. I love to go out to lunch. So does everyone else. Everyone else cannot decide on one place to go to. Everyone else cannot fit in one car to go to lunch. Inevitably what happens is that three people are upset they were not told about lunch, two people couldn’t go at a certain time because of meetings, two other people didn’t like where we were going in the first place and one person predicted the food would be bad and was right. In the end, only one person is happy and that is because they ran into the CEO in the stairwell as they were going to the cafeteria to eat crappy lunch alone.
8. Steno pads are better than a Palm Pilot.
That is a half truth. I cannot get my palm to sync with our Groupwise mail system. I’m not sure if I don’t like Groupwise or if I just need to get used to it. It’s just hard to hold a PalmPilot and fake looking at a task list that isn’t there while playing solitaire when everyone at the meeting knows that Palm and Groupwise don’t mix. Now, if I could get on an internet site that had helpful software so that my Palm and Groupwise could talk, that would be great. Sadly, those sites are blocked.
9. Nametags are a crutch
We wear nametags at work. This is great when you are walking down the hall and need to say hello to someone. This is bad when you have to recall someone’s name at a meeting and are forced to describe them by what shirt their nametag was attached to. Hint: avoid the word cleavage when describing what the person looked like. Especially when it is a guy.
10. You are only the “new guy” for a very short time. Make a good impression.
Show up early – failed
Don’t be late to meetings- failed
Don’t make fun of your boss’ bald head - failed
Don’t get caught staring – failed
Don’t say fuck really loud – failed
Don’t make a “women are bad drivers” comment in front of your VP – failed
Keep whistling down to a minimum – failed
Don’t go out drinking and dancing at Skully’s your first week of work and then roll in at 9:04am the next day- Failed
Don’t do the above again tomorrow – Pre-failed
1. Cubicles are AWESOME
Do not believe anyone that says cubical life is horrible. I have 5.5 sq ft of privacy. I can hang whatever photos or knickknacks I want on to the beige, carpeted walls. If I scrunch up, bend just right and use my feet as a pillow, I can sleep under my desk for an afternoon nap. You can also throw a foam ball into the masses of walls and no one will ever know you did it.
2. Know where the first aid kit is
I’ve needed it twice. Once because I was fucking around with a razor sharp knife and the second time because I was imitating what I was doing the first time when I was fucking around with the razor sharp knife.
3. Take the Stairs
Our CEO is a big fan of taking the stairs. If you see him in the stairwell; bonus points. If you are getting on the elevator and he is getting off, ask him, “Is the short cut to the stairs?” or tell him that you are working on a MythBuster’s interactive exhibit and ask if he’s got a tape measure on him.
4. Saying “fuck” is bad
The word fuck travels through cubical walls and office doors. Cutting most of your finger off is not an excuse for cursing. The best you can do is stand up on your desk and say, “Hey! Watch the language,” and hope your VP is at lunch.
5. Having a blog is bad
A blog can be dangerous. Especially when it is mine. What may have helped to get you hired is now a liability. Be careful about writing things that may offend the bald guy in the office or posting photos of you doing dumb shit at the workplace. Do not write about how hot co-workers daughters are! Especially the CEO's. I mean smoking hot.
6. All the good sites are blocked
For years I heard friends lamenting about not being able to get their personal e-mail or visit their favorite website. I told them to suck it up and wait until they got home. Now it is different. I’d say that 50% of the sites I attempt to visit are blocked for some reason. Sure, I can look at the Google cache, but it’s such a pain. It’s not like I am trying to look at porn (mostly.) I’m sure there is a good reason why the sites are blocked, but I’m not about to question why for fear of being monitored. I’ve read about work-arounds to get Gmail or proxies to go to blocked sites, but it’s my first couple of weeks and I do not want the internet lecture just yet.
7. Lunch is a pain
I love to eat. I love to go out to lunch. So does everyone else. Everyone else cannot decide on one place to go to. Everyone else cannot fit in one car to go to lunch. Inevitably what happens is that three people are upset they were not told about lunch, two people couldn’t go at a certain time because of meetings, two other people didn’t like where we were going in the first place and one person predicted the food would be bad and was right. In the end, only one person is happy and that is because they ran into the CEO in the stairwell as they were going to the cafeteria to eat crappy lunch alone.
8. Steno pads are better than a Palm Pilot.
That is a half truth. I cannot get my palm to sync with our Groupwise mail system. I’m not sure if I don’t like Groupwise or if I just need to get used to it. It’s just hard to hold a PalmPilot and fake looking at a task list that isn’t there while playing solitaire when everyone at the meeting knows that Palm and Groupwise don’t mix. Now, if I could get on an internet site that had helpful software so that my Palm and Groupwise could talk, that would be great. Sadly, those sites are blocked.
9. Nametags are a crutch
We wear nametags at work. This is great when you are walking down the hall and need to say hello to someone. This is bad when you have to recall someone’s name at a meeting and are forced to describe them by what shirt their nametag was attached to. Hint: avoid the word cleavage when describing what the person looked like. Especially when it is a guy.
10. You are only the “new guy” for a very short time. Make a good impression.
Show up early – failed
Don’t be late to meetings- failed
Don’t make fun of your boss’ bald head - failed
Don’t get caught staring – failed
Don’t say fuck really loud – failed
Don’t make a “women are bad drivers” comment in front of your VP – failed
Keep whistling down to a minimum – failed
Don’t go out drinking and dancing at Skully’s your first week of work and then roll in at 9:04am the next day- Failed
Don’t do the above again tomorrow – Pre-failed
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