1. Wake up drunk in Conny's hotel living room
2. Call boss and tell him you are still drunk
3. Yell at Conny and ask how I got on a fold out bed
4. Listen to Conny’s explanation
5. Thank Conny for not letting you fall asleep on the fold out bed while it was still folded up into the shape of a couch.
6. Sit up
7. Lay back down
8. Ask Conny what he is making me for breakfast
9. Sit up again.
10. Stand up
11. Go pee
12. Mistake not being hung-over with still drunk
13. Go down stairs for awesome breakfast at the Drury Inn
(Actually Step -1) Forget the Arnold Classic is in town
14. Remember the Arnold Classic is in town
15. Try not to stumble into huge dudes that are eating all the French toast
16. Smile at self for skillful ladling of sausage gravy on biscuits
17. Eat coffee and drink sausage gravy
18. Watch Conny mangle waffle with spatula on grill and finally give up and use fingers to pull shredded waffle off grill.
19. Watch Conny not eat mangled waffle
20. Sit for an hour and watch hot chicks with huge dudes with tiny pee-pees go by
21. Go back up to Conny’s room
22. Grab shit and leave
23. Go to parking garage
24. Look for car
25. – 27. Continue looking for car
28. Find car
29. Drive car to gate and realize you need room key to leave garage
30. Drive in reverse up steep hill
31. Sigh as call to Conny goes into voice mail
32. Sigh as call to Conny goes into voice mail
33. Sigh as call to Conny goes into voice mail
34. Sigh as call to Conny goes into voice mail
35. Sigh as call to Conny goes into voice mail
36. Sigh as call to hotel goes into Conny’s room’s voice mail
37. Conny stops taking a shit and calls me back
38. Drop off Conny at hotel doors after he lets me out of parking garage with his room key
39. Say goodbye again
40. Drive home 9/10th way home
41. Receive call from Conny
42. Answer, “No, I don’t think your car keys are in my car but I will check when I get home.”
43. Check
44. Call Conny and tell him keys are not there
45. Call Meshell and ask her to check her car (she dropped us off at the hotel.)
46. Answer call from Meshell and say, “Thanks for looking.”
47. Call Conny and ask if he’s looked in X for the keys.
48. Ask if he’s looked in Y for the keys.
49. Ask if he’s looked in Z for the keys.
50. Begin to feel hung-over
51. Look at clock and see that it is 11:00am
52. Get in car and go back to Conny’s hotel
53. Fight Arnold Traffic
54. Pick up Conny
55. Drive Conny by Char Bar just in case
56. Car Bar is closed and take Conny to my home
57. Conny calls Toyota dealership
58. Dealership says they can give key with VIN number
59. Drive back down to hotel get VIN number
60. Stop halfway there as Conny remembers VIN number is on insurance card
61. Turn around and go home
62. Conny drinks a diet coke and I drink a diet 7up.
63. Go to Toyota Direct
64. Sit in car listening to Howard Stern show from 1994 while Conny convinces dudes inside he is not a car thief
65. Fall asleep for 2 minutes
66. Awake screaming as Conny knocks on window
67. Take Conny to hotel
68. Drop off Conny
69. Arrange to meet Conny for dinner on Tuesday night when he’s back in town
70. Say goodbye again again
71. Promise not to go drinking when meeting Conny for dinner when he is in town next Tuesday
72. Drive home without call from Conny
73. Look at clock and see that it is 2:00pm
74. Fail at napping
75. Post photo of Char Bar chalkboard
76. Remember at the last minute to call Conny’s house in Akron and leave a message that his wife will get saying that you are the manager of a nudie bar and that you found Conny’s key’s in the $150/hr VIP room and that "Mr. Moneybags" can come back anytime and pick them up
77. Reply, “Awe CRAP” when Conny answers the phone at his house instead of it going into voicemail.
Pizza Technical Difficulty
There is a small chain of pizza/stromboli stores in Columbus called Pizzano's. It’s not the best pizza in the world, but it’s decent and quick. We get it at our office and Miss Sally likes their cheese/black olive/banana pepper stromboli.
On President’s Day, we tried to order some Pizzano’s for the office. Their phone rang and rang, but no one answered. We assumed they were closed for the holiday and we ate Lori’s stash of chocolate for lunch instead.
Last night, I tired to order some for dinner. Again, the phone rang and rang. Pizzano’s web site was up, but their outsourced, online ordering system said CLOSED. Oh dear. I ordered Donatos and drove over to pick it up.
Being a curious little boy, I drove by Pizzano’s to see if their building was open. I remembered on the way over that Pizzano’s was in the middle of a name change or take over by Mama Ghambi’s Pizza and Stromboli. They had big “Grand Opening” signs in their front window from our previous successful visit. Maybe they had just changed their number.
Not so much…
I’m not sure how a Pizza place can have a technical difficulty, but it seems they somehow do or did.
I hope everything works out for them. I grow weary of chocolate for lunch.
On President’s Day, we tried to order some Pizzano’s for the office. Their phone rang and rang, but no one answered. We assumed they were closed for the holiday and we ate Lori’s stash of chocolate for lunch instead.
Last night, I tired to order some for dinner. Again, the phone rang and rang. Pizzano’s web site was up, but their outsourced, online ordering system said CLOSED. Oh dear. I ordered Donatos and drove over to pick it up.
Being a curious little boy, I drove by Pizzano’s to see if their building was open. I remembered on the way over that Pizzano’s was in the middle of a name change or take over by Mama Ghambi’s Pizza and Stromboli. They had big “Grand Opening” signs in their front window from our previous successful visit. Maybe they had just changed their number.
Not so much…
I’m not sure how a Pizza place can have a technical difficulty, but it seems they somehow do or did.
I hope everything works out for them. I grow weary of chocolate for lunch.
Char Bar Chalkboard
Conny was in town this week taking the Ohio Bar Exam. He had called a few weeks ago to say that once he completed the test, he wanted to go out for a lot of drinks.
He finished the test. We had lots of drinks.
Here is one photo from this night:
At the Char Bar, they have a chalkboard in the men’s bathroom above the two urinals. We utilize that board to make fun of each other and discuss who is banging whomever else’s wife.
By the end of the night, there were several modifications. I hope to get those photos from Jenn as my camera battery died trying to take photos of this idiot parking her car on the curb.
.JPG)
I'll update once I am less hungover.
He finished the test. We had lots of drinks.
Here is one photo from this night:
At the Char Bar, they have a chalkboard in the men’s bathroom above the two urinals. We utilize that board to make fun of each other and discuss who is banging whomever else’s wife.
By the end of the night, there were several modifications. I hope to get those photos from Jenn as my camera battery died trying to take photos of this idiot parking her car on the curb.
.JPG)
I'll update once I am less hungover.
Marion County Common Please Court
My co-worker Angie picked up some documents in Marion County. As she was standing in line to deliver the documents in Franklin County, she noticed the typo/spelling error.
I think that it's positive to suggest that problems one might have with the County could be resolved just by going to the County Please Court. If you are polite, they'll let you off.
Polite or not, she still had to pay the fine.
I
I’m still trying to decide if I got the letter “i” the word “I” or the Roman numeral one.
Rob from www.cockeyed.com. is giving out link opportunities that are connected to a story in which every single word in the story is linked elsewhere. A very interesting idea. It might be a complete flop, but he thought of it and you’ve got to give the guy credit for that.
I got “I.”
As a bonus, he is auctioning off several words on e-bay. I bid on "sucks" but got immediately outbid. I’ll wait to the very end to snipe my word. If I do win, I’ll link it to the You Suck, Joe Show story.
You can read about it here on The Very Well Linked Story.
I chose the letter “I” because I am a day late and had to pick from the leftover “I”s the “am”s and the “of”s.
Since this is the letter “I” and I am all about me, I will dedicate this page to Doug.
Here are some things you do not know about Doug. Or things you do know about Doug and are afraid to share with your friends:
I have broken my arm twice.
I lost my virginity at 19.
I like going to Outland.
I have been friends with Russ since kindergarten.
I currently have tweleve secret crushes.
I have a list of three famous people I am allowed to sleep if I get the opportunity. They are: Christina Ricci, Leelee Sobieski and Melissa Joan Hart. (I just have to call home first.)
I have had one major concussion, one minor concussion and one major concussion.
I have broken several chairs in my lifetime.
I cannot say the word Woolworths.
Here’s to I!
Rob from www.cockeyed.com. is giving out link opportunities that are connected to a story in which every single word in the story is linked elsewhere. A very interesting idea. It might be a complete flop, but he thought of it and you’ve got to give the guy credit for that.
I got “I.”
As a bonus, he is auctioning off several words on e-bay. I bid on "sucks" but got immediately outbid. I’ll wait to the very end to snipe my word. If I do win, I’ll link it to the You Suck, Joe Show story.
You can read about it here on The Very Well Linked Story.
I chose the letter “I” because I am a day late and had to pick from the leftover “I”s the “am”s and the “of”s.
Since this is the letter “I” and I am all about me, I will dedicate this page to Doug.
Here are some things you do not know about Doug. Or things you do know about Doug and are afraid to share with your friends:
I have broken my arm twice.
I lost my virginity at 19.
I like going to Outland.
I have been friends with Russ since kindergarten.
I currently have tweleve secret crushes.
I have a list of three famous people I am allowed to sleep if I get the opportunity. They are: Christina Ricci, Leelee Sobieski and Melissa Joan Hart. (I just have to call home first.)
I have had one major concussion, one minor concussion and one major concussion.
I have broken several chairs in my lifetime.
I cannot say the word Woolworths.
Here’s to I!
Red Parked Better
We went to lunch at the Asian buffet today. There isn't any quicker physical turn around than going from starving to the bowel hiccupping, sick that this buffet induces. Still, we go once every two weeks. Time heals all wounds.
As we went in today, I noticed a blue SUV attempting to use the four wheel drive the guy paid an extra 4K for with the Avenger Package.
Looks like you almost got to the top of Everest there Mallory.
Two plates of non-MSG infused batter and sticky rice later, we came out to find blue SUV had left and Red SUV parked in his place.
Red parked better.
As we went in today, I noticed a blue SUV attempting to use the four wheel drive the guy paid an extra 4K for with the Avenger Package.
Looks like you almost got to the top of Everest there Mallory.
Two plates of non-MSG infused batter and sticky rice later, we came out to find blue SUV had left and Red SUV parked in his place.
Red parked better.
Third Leg - A self portrait
It's hard to remember when photos were ever taken on film without the ability to see what you took immediately. I kind of remember f-stops and film speed.
This is my sister Karen's foot and the other two are mine. I only took one shot and didn't know until three months later how well it turned out.
Them's some sexy feets.
Fake Identity Theft
When I was 18, I had one of the greatest fake IDs of all time. It was my older brother Steve’s license. It was so good that I didn't have to memorize the SS# or even the birth date because everyone thought it was real (it was) and mine (it wasn’t.)
The first time I used the ID was at a gas station on the outskirts of town. I was pretty nervous, but my friends were all giddy to get their hands on some beer. I went in, grabbed a six pack and put it on the counter. The girl behind the counter asked for ID. I handed it over. She looked at it for a second and said, “This isn't you. I went to school with Steve. You are not Steve.”
I wasn’t expecting that kind of shutdown. So I quickly came up with a brilliant excuse.
Not-Steve: “Steve is sick.”
Girl Behind Counter: “Why does he need beer if he is sick?”
Not-Steve: “I don’t know.”
Fortunately, she handed the ID back. My friends drove me to a quik-e mart (laughing all the way about the “Steve’s sick” line) and I bought a 12 pack without any problem. It was all downhill from there.
I used the ID in Lancaster, Columbus and at Ohio University. I was never turned down.
Being that I am a generous and kind friend, I decided to loan it to my friend Nick when he asked for it. Nick and some others were heading up to The Newport on the Ohio State campus. Nick is a handsome devil and looked enough like me and my brother to use the ID. I gave it to him and said, “Don’t lose it!”
He lost it.
As it turned out, Nick was buying beers for everyone. Instead of buying three or four at a time, he was buying one, giving it to an underager and going back for more, trying to hit up a different bartender each time. One of the bartenders caught on and asked Nick to show him the ID. With the ID in hand, the bartender said, “You can either let me confiscate this or we can find a cop and find out if this is really you.” Nick walked away.
No more ID. No more Doug drinky drinky.
I never saw it again.
Several months later, Steve called. He had been down from Toledo in Columbus visiting his girlfriend. They had gone on a double date with his girlfriend's sorority sister. All four were queued in line at a bar and pulling out their IDs. The other couple, a younger couple, had their fake IDs.
And dude had my brother’s ID. My fake ID.
I’m not good at math, but those odds are f’ing unbelievable. The bartender must had kept the ID and sold it. Asshole. A great scam I must admit.
So I said to Steve, did you take it back? No? Shit.
As an apology, Nick let me have his older brother’s Ohio University ID. Way back when, the OU IDs had your birthdate on them. It worked in one or two bars in Athens. But it wasn’t the same.
I turned 21 before Steve ever made it back to the DMV.
The first time I used the ID was at a gas station on the outskirts of town. I was pretty nervous, but my friends were all giddy to get their hands on some beer. I went in, grabbed a six pack and put it on the counter. The girl behind the counter asked for ID. I handed it over. She looked at it for a second and said, “This isn't you. I went to school with Steve. You are not Steve.”
I wasn’t expecting that kind of shutdown. So I quickly came up with a brilliant excuse.
Not-Steve: “Steve is sick.”
Girl Behind Counter: “Why does he need beer if he is sick?”
Not-Steve: “I don’t know.”
Fortunately, she handed the ID back. My friends drove me to a quik-e mart (laughing all the way about the “Steve’s sick” line) and I bought a 12 pack without any problem. It was all downhill from there.
I used the ID in Lancaster, Columbus and at Ohio University. I was never turned down.
Being that I am a generous and kind friend, I decided to loan it to my friend Nick when he asked for it. Nick and some others were heading up to The Newport on the Ohio State campus. Nick is a handsome devil and looked enough like me and my brother to use the ID. I gave it to him and said, “Don’t lose it!”
He lost it.
As it turned out, Nick was buying beers for everyone. Instead of buying three or four at a time, he was buying one, giving it to an underager and going back for more, trying to hit up a different bartender each time. One of the bartenders caught on and asked Nick to show him the ID. With the ID in hand, the bartender said, “You can either let me confiscate this or we can find a cop and find out if this is really you.” Nick walked away.
No more ID. No more Doug drinky drinky.
I never saw it again.
Several months later, Steve called. He had been down from Toledo in Columbus visiting his girlfriend. They had gone on a double date with his girlfriend's sorority sister. All four were queued in line at a bar and pulling out their IDs. The other couple, a younger couple, had their fake IDs.
And dude had my brother’s ID. My fake ID.
I’m not good at math, but those odds are f’ing unbelievable. The bartender must had kept the ID and sold it. Asshole. A great scam I must admit.
So I said to Steve, did you take it back? No? Shit.
As an apology, Nick let me have his older brother’s Ohio University ID. Way back when, the OU IDs had your birthdate on them. It worked in one or two bars in Athens. But it wasn’t the same.
I turned 21 before Steve ever made it back to the DMV.
Frozen Turd
My co-worker Angie is looking for a beater car for her daughter. She found this van on Craig’s list and thought it was funny. I have to agree.
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