Thanks For Not Being Dead Yet
(AUTHOR’S UPDATE: Ray
was alive when I wrote this. Since his death, I’ve felt bad about how I wrote
it. I think it was my way of dealing
with his illness by being aloof. So, I decided to edit it. Then, I decided not
to. Then I decided to do a little of both and add this little explanation at
the top, but not change anything below. I think Ray appreciated it at the time,
so we’ll leave it be.)
I’m not sure if there is anything called a Thanks For Not Being Dead Yet, but I’d like to start it.
Dear Ray,
Hey Ray! Thanks for not being dead yet. I’m sure you really would have little control over whether or not you were dead, but that is beside the point. You are not dead and I’d like to let you know that I am very happy that you are not.
I met Ray years ago and we I immediately clicked. And when I say clicked, I mean he immediately took advantage of the fact that I was an overconfident 23 year old dipshit.
When I was a traveling exhibit manager, Ray would come out on the road with me and help me set up and tear down exhibits. When we were in Boston tearing down an exhibit and loading it on the semi trucks, Ray told me, “Doug, go down stairs, follow this load plan and pretend like you know what you are doing.” So boldly I went down stairs and with four union guys and the semi driver standing around I said, “Let’s get this truck loaded!” The driver said, “What are we loading first?” With sweaty palms I looked at the load plan. I flipped it around in my hands and mumbled. Then I studdered. The driver said, “Hey, what’s that guy upstairs name?” I said, “Ray?” The driver said, “Go get Ray.”
I went upstairs and sheepishly said to Ray, “They want you down stairs.” Ray saw that I was beat and left without berating me. He called me down later to show me how the truck was packed and how to deal with asshole drivers and how to listen to union guys bitch and not to worry about it.
A week later, Ray and I were in Omaha setting up the Science of Sports exhibit. We were out to dinner with Martin and while ordering food, Ray ordered what I wanted to order. I changed my order because of the Food Poisoning Theory. Ray and Martin asked about the FPT and told them that if you are in a situation where you cannot afford to have everyone go down with an illness, you must order different food. Ray and Martin laughed. Four hours later Ray called me from his hotel room. He was doubled up with cramps and food poisoning. He blamed me. I can’t blame him.
When I think of Ray, I think of him in front of a lathe, turning a piece of metal or plastic, with the stringy bits curling off into a pile of the floor. I think of Ray with a Guinness and a story about living on a commune or something awesome that one of his kids has accomplished. Ray always has a solution to a problem. It might not be the one you want to hear, but it is probably the right one. Ray was always able to follow up any of my bullshit with a similar statement of bullshittery. Ray always listens to good music. Sometimes there are bongos and I can live with that. Ray has a great laugh. Whenever I needed a tool, I'd ask Ray for it. Ray would then ask me what I was trying to do and I would tell him. Ray would then hand me a completely different tool and show me how to use it. Ray would help you to hide a body or help you to find a body if you needed one to hide.
And I will never forget when Ray told me that he was happy that he and I were going to get to work together again.
Here’s to you Ray. Thanks for not being dead yet.
Karen and Calvin and Hobbes
Years and years ago, my little sister thought that it was important enough to cut out two Calvin and Hobbes comics and put them on poster board for me. I was in college at the time and thought it was nice of her.
Now years later, when I want to write something that rhymes, I find myself always writing to the last line of the poem in the first comic.
"Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for,
But I can wait a little more."
It's perfect.
And when my kids call for me to go outside, I can't help but think of the second comic when I feel the urge to tell them to let me finish my really important computer crap that won't mean squat years from now.
"In ten years they won't know I'm here,
as things like cars and boys appear,
But I'll have left them with a slight
Of love my sister did requite."
Thanks, sis.
 |
| Click. Get big. |
"Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for,
But I can wait a little more."
It's perfect.
And when my kids call for me to go outside, I can't help but think of the second comic when I feel the urge to tell them to let me finish my really important computer crap that won't mean squat years from now.
"In ten years they won't know I'm here,
as things like cars and boys appear,
But I'll have left them with a slight
Of love my sister did requite."
Thanks, sis.
The Cadpeepunny
Yesterday on Fake_Dispatch, I came up with an Easter idea so surgarly horrific that diabetics worldwide all simultaneousness wept when I posted the idea.
Miss Sally was at Target and I asked her to pick up the Cadpeepunny ingredients. She said they were all out of Cadbury Eggs. I said forget it and I forgot it.
This morning I went to do some shopping at Krogers. Because of Ohio's Blue Laws, I had to wait ten minutes until 10:00am to buy the wine for our Easter dinner at Grandma Susie's. While I was waiting, I roamed the isles and came upon their empty shelves of Easter candy. Not so empty that they didn't have mini Cadbury Eggs, Peeps and a hollow chocolate bunny.
Tonight I went to work.
I unwrapped the eggs.
Prepped the Peep Bunny.
Unkindly shoved the egg in.
Here is my very poor attempt and stuffing a peep with egg. He looks very pregnant.
Here's the bunny.
Cut off the bottom with a hot knife.
Stuffed it with pregnant bunny goodness.
And sealed the bottom back on.
Miss Sally reluctantly took photos of me taking a bite knowing that it would be hard for her to hold the camera AND inject me with insulin.
Delicious! I hope to make a billion dollars marketing these so that I can pay up all the money I will owe in legal bills to Cadbury and for liposuction.
Miss Sally was at Target and I asked her to pick up the Cadpeepunny ingredients. She said they were all out of Cadbury Eggs. I said forget it and I forgot it.
This morning I went to do some shopping at Krogers. Because of Ohio's Blue Laws, I had to wait ten minutes until 10:00am to buy the wine for our Easter dinner at Grandma Susie's. While I was waiting, I roamed the isles and came upon their empty shelves of Easter candy. Not so empty that they didn't have mini Cadbury Eggs, Peeps and a hollow chocolate bunny.
Tonight I went to work.
I unwrapped the eggs.
Prepped the Peep Bunny.
Unkindly shoved the egg in.
Here is my very poor attempt and stuffing a peep with egg. He looks very pregnant.
Here's the bunny.
Cut off the bottom with a hot knife.
Stuffed it with pregnant bunny goodness.
And sealed the bottom back on.
Miss Sally reluctantly took photos of me taking a bite knowing that it would be hard for her to hold the camera AND inject me with insulin.
Delicious! I hope to make a billion dollars marketing these so that I can pay up all the money I will owe in legal bills to Cadbury and for liposuction.
Good Seasons Italian Dressing Cruet Kit SECRET
When we were growing up, our salads only knew two types of dressing: French and the make-it-yourself Good Seasons Italian. In purchasing the Good Seasons Italian Dressing packets, my father had the grocery store under his thumb for he knew the secret of the cruet!
On each of his four children’s thirteenth birthday, he would impart the secret of the Good Seasons Italian Dressing Cruet Kit to us. Now, I will share that secret with you.
Photo by Mike Hopkins
To get consumers hooked on their Italian Dressing packets, those crazy marketing folks over at Good Seasons packaged two packs of the dry dressing mix with a FREE cruet. I think “cruet” was second foreign word I learned right after “Irish Spring.” The cruet that came with the dressing had three convenient lines etched on it for easy construction of the Italian Dressing. First V for vinegar, then W for water and last O for oil. Fill each ingredient to its line (pour in the packet between the W and the O,) cap the lid and shake shake shake. In 1983, my brother was making the dressing and put the oil in first. The resulting explosion took off the east wing of our kitchen and Steve never heard the same out of his remaining ear.
The marketing folks assumed that you would by the cruet kit the first time and then buy the individual packets from then out. But they never calculated the my dad would figure out their little secret.
So back to my thirteenth birthday… after the cake and the gifts, dad took me into the kitchen and showed me the cruet kit and said, “When you buy the Italian dressing in the kit, they give you two packets of dressing and the cruet. If you buy the packets individually, THEY COST MORE PER PACK! When you buy the kit, you are getting the packets cheaper AND a free cruet.” It was then that I noticed the third shelf up in our dishware cabinet was filled with cruets. The everything drawer teemed with the plastic lids. Week by week and cruet by cruet, my father was slowly putting the Good Seasons people out of business.
Just the other day at Kroger’s, I took these photos. I’ll help with the math:
Cruet Kit
$2.79 or $1.395 per packet
Individual dressing packet
$1.59 per packet
A savings of $.195 per packet. I figure in my father’s lifetime, he has saved about $25,345. That’s almost enough to cover the by-pass surgery! He’s also got a basement full of cruets and no other glassware to be found in the house.
As for me? I have saved $1.17 because as soon as Miss Sally noticed what I was doing, she shut down the cruet purchases and made me spend the extra twenty cents to buy the packets individually sans cruet. Miss Sally runs a tight ship.
I can’t wait for my kids to turn thirteen.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
A lot of people find this site because they are searching for replacement lids or cruet kits. If I was smart, I would sell them from this site and make a billion dollars. But I am not smart. If you want to buy the kits on line, look here at Net Grocer.
If you want to complain about why Good Seasons is no longer in your local store, write and/or all here:
Kraft Foods Global, Inc.
Global Consumer Relations
1 Kraft Court
Glenview, IL 60025
1-877-535-5666
Good luck. Please tell them I said, "Howdy!"
On each of his four children’s thirteenth birthday, he would impart the secret of the Good Seasons Italian Dressing Cruet Kit to us. Now, I will share that secret with you.
Photo by Mike Hopkins
To get consumers hooked on their Italian Dressing packets, those crazy marketing folks over at Good Seasons packaged two packs of the dry dressing mix with a FREE cruet. I think “cruet” was second foreign word I learned right after “Irish Spring.” The cruet that came with the dressing had three convenient lines etched on it for easy construction of the Italian Dressing. First V for vinegar, then W for water and last O for oil. Fill each ingredient to its line (pour in the packet between the W and the O,) cap the lid and shake shake shake. In 1983, my brother was making the dressing and put the oil in first. The resulting explosion took off the east wing of our kitchen and Steve never heard the same out of his remaining ear.
The marketing folks assumed that you would by the cruet kit the first time and then buy the individual packets from then out. But they never calculated the my dad would figure out their little secret.
So back to my thirteenth birthday… after the cake and the gifts, dad took me into the kitchen and showed me the cruet kit and said, “When you buy the Italian dressing in the kit, they give you two packets of dressing and the cruet. If you buy the packets individually, THEY COST MORE PER PACK! When you buy the kit, you are getting the packets cheaper AND a free cruet.” It was then that I noticed the third shelf up in our dishware cabinet was filled with cruets. The everything drawer teemed with the plastic lids. Week by week and cruet by cruet, my father was slowly putting the Good Seasons people out of business.
Just the other day at Kroger’s, I took these photos. I’ll help with the math:
Cruet Kit
$2.79 or $1.395 per packet
Individual dressing packet
$1.59 per packet
A savings of $.195 per packet. I figure in my father’s lifetime, he has saved about $25,345. That’s almost enough to cover the by-pass surgery! He’s also got a basement full of cruets and no other glassware to be found in the house.
As for me? I have saved $1.17 because as soon as Miss Sally noticed what I was doing, she shut down the cruet purchases and made me spend the extra twenty cents to buy the packets individually sans cruet. Miss Sally runs a tight ship.
I can’t wait for my kids to turn thirteen.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
A lot of people find this site because they are searching for replacement lids or cruet kits. If I was smart, I would sell them from this site and make a billion dollars. But I am not smart. If you want to buy the kits on line, look here at Net Grocer.
If you want to complain about why Good Seasons is no longer in your local store, write and/or all here:
Kraft Foods Global, Inc.
Global Consumer Relations
1 Kraft Court
Glenview, IL 60025
1-877-535-5666
Good luck. Please tell them I said, "Howdy!"
Annie's Lost Ladybug Magnifying Glass
Miss Sally, Greg, Annie and I went to a new park in Westerville. It's a pretty cool little park. There are a bunch of standard park slides, structures and swinging stuff, but there is also a lot of open ended play. From the road it looks like a very standard, plastic park, but once you start exploring, there's a bunch of stuff to do like jump on rocks and build dams and find frogs.
Annie brought along her ladybug magnifying glass. It was Greg's until he lost interest and then Annie adopted it. When we first arrived she was checking out dirt, which to her was pretty interesting.
We did a few activities. I noticed a water table and started taking photos while Miss Sally and the kids were climbing around on stuff. Annie found something that needed a closer look so she called forth for her magnifying glass. But it was nowhere to be found. We looked around the area and checked for little kids who might have accidentally picked it up. Nothing.
Annie forgot about the magnifying glass and we try not to mention it.
Today at work, I needed to take a few photos of some equipment. When I down loaded the photos, I saw the park photos I took. I decided to share the cool water table with my co-workers so I downloaded those photos.
As I was getting ready to crop them, I thought about the magnifying glass and started to look to see if I could see where Annie had set it down.
There it is! That tiny speck of blue and red!
Annie had set it down and I just barely could make it out in that image.
So let's look at the second photo of the water table.
That's a cool water table and...
"Enhance 34 to 36. Pan right and pull back. Stop. Enhance 34 to 46. Pull back. Wait a minute, go right, stop. Enhance 57 to 19."
A ha!
I couldn't believe it! I felt like this was CSI and I needed to make a GUI interface or something.
Before you start casting stones, I will say that this park was wacky enough that there could have been magnifying glasses sitting around for people to use. I bet she played with it and then set it down for someone else to find.
We'll have to got back and look for it. I bet it's still there.
Annie brought along her ladybug magnifying glass. It was Greg's until he lost interest and then Annie adopted it. When we first arrived she was checking out dirt, which to her was pretty interesting.
We did a few activities. I noticed a water table and started taking photos while Miss Sally and the kids were climbing around on stuff. Annie found something that needed a closer look so she called forth for her magnifying glass. But it was nowhere to be found. We looked around the area and checked for little kids who might have accidentally picked it up. Nothing.
Annie forgot about the magnifying glass and we try not to mention it.
Today at work, I needed to take a few photos of some equipment. When I down loaded the photos, I saw the park photos I took. I decided to share the cool water table with my co-workers so I downloaded those photos.
As I was getting ready to crop them, I thought about the magnifying glass and started to look to see if I could see where Annie had set it down.
There it is! That tiny speck of blue and red!
Annie had set it down and I just barely could make it out in that image.
So let's look at the second photo of the water table.
That's a cool water table and...
"Enhance 34 to 36. Pan right and pull back. Stop. Enhance 34 to 46. Pull back. Wait a minute, go right, stop. Enhance 57 to 19."
A ha!
I couldn't believe it! I felt like this was CSI and I needed to make a GUI interface or something.
Before you start casting stones, I will say that this park was wacky enough that there could have been magnifying glasses sitting around for people to use. I bet she played with it and then set it down for someone else to find.
We'll have to got back and look for it. I bet it's still there.
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