The Bacon Pop - Popcorn Secret
I received this box of Bacon Pop - Bacon Flavored Microwave Popcorn as my Reddit Secret Santa Gift. I could not wait to try it!
The directions were the same as regular pop corn except there were a lot more warnings about which side to keep down. There was also a warning in large letters, "Don't Burn Your Bacon."
I started to wonder what the secret to the bacon flavored popcorn was. The packaging said that there was no bacon in the product, only popcorn, oil and bacon flavoring. (It's actually a vegan product!) So I decided to cut it open to see what was inside.
I pulled back the wrapping and found a bunch of kernels of corn with some kind of solidified oil. It was exactly as you might expect. before my disappointment set in, I felt something under my fingers on the side.
It was BACON! Real, raw bacon!
I tried to pull it out, but it was stuck along the top and bottom edges. There was a slab of bacon on either side.
I wasn't going to let this go to waste, so I taped the bag up as best I could.
And put it in the microwave.
There it was! I tried to shake and crinkle it out, but it wouldn't budge. So I got out a knife and scraped it out.
It took some doing and I ended up breaking it into pieces.
Upon further investigation, I found that the bacon had a very sticky substance on either end. Closer inspection revealed that it was a highly concentrated maple syrup. I think this is what kept it stuck to the side.
I think that because the bacon is part of the packaging, it is not actually considered part of the food, so they can still say it is a vegan product. I mean, you don't see "aluminum" in the ingredients on a can of soda, right?
Well, that's all our investigative reporting for today. Next week, we go searching for the palm and olive in Palmolive soap.
There were three bags in the box.
The directions were the same as regular pop corn except there were a lot more warnings about which side to keep down. There was also a warning in large letters, "Don't Burn Your Bacon."
I started to wonder what the secret to the bacon flavored popcorn was. The packaging said that there was no bacon in the product, only popcorn, oil and bacon flavoring. (It's actually a vegan product!) So I decided to cut it open to see what was inside.
I pulled back the wrapping and found a bunch of kernels of corn with some kind of solidified oil. It was exactly as you might expect. before my disappointment set in, I felt something under my fingers on the side.
It was BACON! Real, raw bacon!
I tried to pull it out, but it was stuck along the top and bottom edges. There was a slab of bacon on either side.
I wasn't going to let this go to waste, so I taped the bag up as best I could.
And put it in the microwave.
In about four minutes it was done. The bag barely held together with the tape. The tape was a little stinky, but the bacon smell much more prevalent.
I dumped the bag out into a bowl.
And for some reason, there was no bacon in with the popcorn. I thought that maybe that is how they cook and flavor the popcorn. If the bacon disappears during cooking, then maybe it is not considered a food. But then I looked in the bag.
There it was! I tried to shake and crinkle it out, but it wouldn't budge. So I got out a knife and scraped it out.
It took some doing and I ended up breaking it into pieces.
Upon further investigation, I found that the bacon had a very sticky substance on either end. Closer inspection revealed that it was a highly concentrated maple syrup. I think this is what kept it stuck to the side.
I think that because the bacon is part of the packaging, it is not actually considered part of the food, so they can still say it is a vegan product. I mean, you don't see "aluminum" in the ingredients on a can of soda, right?
Well, that's all our investigative reporting for today. Next week, we go searching for the palm and olive in Palmolive soap.
His Bowel Did Sway and Gurgle
This is a story about Bob. Bob was an elephant of a man.
He flew into Columbus from California for a meeting and his bowels did sway and gurgle.
Back in those days, our office only had one bathroom and its walls reverberated with even the tiniest trickle of liquid dribbling in the bowl. The small room was like a giant sieve and sound and smell alike were not confined within its 80s décor walls.
Bob called for a break and asked for directions to the bathroom.
The wretched sound of the release of his intestines nearly coincided with the slamming of the door.
The entire office heard his agony. He was beyond the point of hiding his shame.
And like standing on the beach and seeing a tsunami in the distance, everyone within earshot knew that there would soon be a wave of putrid, ass death crashing through the office that none could escape.
The smell caused the doorknob to dissolve and the receptionist melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Holly was in the back office and was far enough away that she was only made blind by the smell. She lit a coffee scented candle that had three years’ worth of dust on it. In her haste, she forgot to remove the plastic wrapping on top. The combined smell of ½ digested airplane food, melting plastic and burning coffee dust finished the rest of us off. We all died.
Bob returned to the meeting several minutes later and we continued without saying a word.
He flew into Columbus from California for a meeting and his bowels did sway and gurgle.
Back in those days, our office only had one bathroom and its walls reverberated with even the tiniest trickle of liquid dribbling in the bowl. The small room was like a giant sieve and sound and smell alike were not confined within its 80s décor walls.
Bob called for a break and asked for directions to the bathroom.
The wretched sound of the release of his intestines nearly coincided with the slamming of the door.
The entire office heard his agony. He was beyond the point of hiding his shame.
And like standing on the beach and seeing a tsunami in the distance, everyone within earshot knew that there would soon be a wave of putrid, ass death crashing through the office that none could escape.
The smell caused the doorknob to dissolve and the receptionist melted like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Holly was in the back office and was far enough away that she was only made blind by the smell. She lit a coffee scented candle that had three years’ worth of dust on it. In her haste, she forgot to remove the plastic wrapping on top. The combined smell of ½ digested airplane food, melting plastic and burning coffee dust finished the rest of us off. We all died.
Bob returned to the meeting several minutes later and we continued without saying a word.
Homestar Helps
The Homestar Runner characters let my co-workers know what kind of day I'm having.
Not sure what it means if I am having a Marzipan day.
The First and Probably Last HolyJuan Caption Contest
Please caption the following photo. Leave your caption in the comments The winner gets an official HolyJuan refrigerator magnet. (Not sold in stores.)
My Reddit Secret Santa Gifts!
If you are not aware of Reddit, you should be. Reddit has a Secret Santa gift exchange where strangers exchange gifts in the spirit of the season.
My gift arrived today! Keegan brought it to my desk and he helped take photos for the unboxing.
It's here!
Keegan let me borrow his knife
Brown paper! Just what I always wanted!
A wrapped box. And the color of the wrapping paper matches my eyes exactly!
OK, not exactly.
More boxes inside the first box.
First up, a bottle of Tentacle Grape soda.
Next is a moustache mug from Modern Madness.
I've finally made it to puberty!
Bacon Flavored Popcorn! What will those crazy scientists think of next?
Extremely cool! A 30th anniversary Pac-Man Moleskine!!
And finally, Jack Daniels and Kahlua Coffees!
My Secret Santa, who chose to remain secret, did such a great job picking out gifts for me. I think my favorite is the Pac-Man Moleskine. Here are some close-ups.
Here's everything together.
Thanks Secret Santa! I hope you got some good stuff, too!
My gift arrived today! Keegan brought it to my desk and he helped take photos for the unboxing.
It's here!
Keegan let me borrow his knife
Brown paper! Just what I always wanted!
A wrapped box. And the color of the wrapping paper matches my eyes exactly!
OK, not exactly.
More boxes inside the first box.
First up, a bottle of Tentacle Grape soda.
Next is a moustache mug from Modern Madness.
I've finally made it to puberty!
Bacon Flavored Popcorn! What will those crazy scientists think of next?
Extremely cool! A 30th anniversary Pac-Man Moleskine!!
And finally, Jack Daniels and Kahlua Coffees!
My Secret Santa, who chose to remain secret, did such a great job picking out gifts for me. I think my favorite is the Pac-Man Moleskine. Here are some close-ups.
Here's everything together.
Thanks Secret Santa! I hope you got some good stuff, too!
Thanks
When all the ones are carried and the columns added up, I really am a prick. I love me. I really do. I have bad feeling that I would be shoving my wife and kids out of the way to the last parachute so that I could carry their memory on from the luxury of some life insurance paid beach.
But what keeps me loving me is the people that feed my ego. And that is you. So I owe you a bit of thanks for reading HolyJuan on a once a year basis when you remember that I actually exist.
When I thought for a few hours last night that my site was deleted and that I would have to piece together the backups and the old files that are on the bottom of the hard drive, I didn’t despair for one minute. Mainly because I know that I need you as much as you really don’t need me. And I can live with that.
Let’s continue as if this never happened.
But what keeps me loving me is the people that feed my ego. And that is you. So I owe you a bit of thanks for reading HolyJuan on a once a year basis when you remember that I actually exist.
When I thought for a few hours last night that my site was deleted and that I would have to piece together the backups and the old files that are on the bottom of the hard drive, I didn’t despair for one minute. Mainly because I know that I need you as much as you really don’t need me. And I can live with that.
Let’s continue as if this never happened.
A Trip to Florida is a Trip
I had to fly down to Florida for work. I went with Matt. He’s traveled more than anyone I know and he’s really good at it. I got to the airport at 6:00am, about an hour early. He got there about five minutes before the plan loaded. See, I told you he was good.
Because it was a small plane, anyone that had a larger than small carry-on bag had it tagged and then stowed under the plane. My bag was small. Matt’s bag was not small enough. It was tagged and left to be stowed.
The plane had one seat along one side and two seats on the other. Matt and I were on the single seat side. The plane was taking a long time after loading to get going. Ticket lady kept coming on and then leaving the plane.
Finally, the ticket taker lady came on the plane and announced that “due to the rain, certain equipment was going to have to be used for the flight.” Because of this, the plane was overweight and five people were going to have to get off. They immediately offered a $400 voucher, but we were in Ohio and the plane was going to Florida so there were no takers. The ticket lady said that she was going to pull the last five people that bought their tickets.
Matt and I were number four and five respectively.
Inside at the counter, we were standing around with a couple that had just been married and were heading down to Florida for a cruise that was departing later that day. The fifth person was a girl that weighed about 80 pounds. Back on the plane there was a woman across the isle from me that could have taken the place of all three of them. Matt suggested that next time they should utilize a scale.
The newlywed couple was about one more problem away from a panic. Their cruise was boarding later that afternoon and they needed a flight out pronto. The ticket lady said, “Why did you wait until today to fly out?” The girl smiled and said something nice. Matt and I both quietly made rude remarks about the ticket lady’s lack of compassion. There was another flight in thirty minutes to LaGuardia and then a 10:30am to Miami. We were all relieved.
It was then the girl realized that her ID was in the carry-on bag that had been taken at the last minute and stowed as we boarded. Matt’s carry-on was taken as well. Neither had been returned and the plane was pulling away from the gate. She asked if she would need her ID in LaGuardia. The ticket lady assured us that we wouldn’t have to go though security again. Then she followed up with, “Why did you put your ID in your bag?” You could see cute, recently glowing girl begin to scowl. I think we all assume that when we carry-on a bag we are going to carry it off as well. We were told that the carry-on bags (that were stowed away) and checked bags would all be waiting at Miami.
We got on the next flight.
Holy fuck.
I’ve been on flights where there have been moments of turbulence. I’ve been on flights were there have been spans of turbulence. This plane flew like a washer on spin cycle with three too many pairs of jeans in it all the whole way to New York. It was miserable.
When we landed in LaGuardia, we happened to hear the married couple stop an agent and ask them about the next gate. The next gate was in a different concourse and we would have to go through security again. Nice. The poor girl about lost it. We walked off while she was pleading her situation.
As it turned out, they ran into someone helpful. The employee had walked her through security where she had to fill out “I don’t have ID” paperwork which is usually reserved for Libertarians and assholes from the internet. I guess I just could have said Libertarians there.
The flight from LaGuardia to Miami was just as bad if not worst for the first 50% of the trip. Matt was green. I was green with red dots. If one person on that flight would have even gagged, the whole flight would have erupted in an orgy of vomit.
No one puked and by South Carolina the flight smoothed out.
We landed.
In Miami, Matt and I went to the baggage customer service desk. The guy at the desk loves his job. I assume he was a mortgage broker 18 months ago and because he can no longer fuck people over there, he got hired by the airlines. He asked for the ticket stub of the bag that was supposed to be carry-on, but was stowed. There was no stub because Matt never got one. The ex-broker said that there HAD to be a stub. Matt explained that the woman only put a red tag on the bag and that there was no other stub or stub like identification. The guy scanned his screen, inhaled most the air in the building right before he let out a huge sigh and said that our bags would be at XX baggage claim.
The bags were at XX baggage claim. We saw the 80 pound girl and wished her the best.
We were in Miami for about 24 hours until our trip back.
Our trip back was fine.
As we were leaving the Columbus airport, we saw the ticket lady again. Not in person but on the wall where they post the photos of the team member who receive awards. Hers was for Customer Service.
We laughed loud enough for most people in the Max and Erma’s bar to stop and stare.
Because it was a small plane, anyone that had a larger than small carry-on bag had it tagged and then stowed under the plane. My bag was small. Matt’s bag was not small enough. It was tagged and left to be stowed.
The plane had one seat along one side and two seats on the other. Matt and I were on the single seat side. The plane was taking a long time after loading to get going. Ticket lady kept coming on and then leaving the plane.
Finally, the ticket taker lady came on the plane and announced that “due to the rain, certain equipment was going to have to be used for the flight.” Because of this, the plane was overweight and five people were going to have to get off. They immediately offered a $400 voucher, but we were in Ohio and the plane was going to Florida so there were no takers. The ticket lady said that she was going to pull the last five people that bought their tickets.
Matt and I were number four and five respectively.
Inside at the counter, we were standing around with a couple that had just been married and were heading down to Florida for a cruise that was departing later that day. The fifth person was a girl that weighed about 80 pounds. Back on the plane there was a woman across the isle from me that could have taken the place of all three of them. Matt suggested that next time they should utilize a scale.
The newlywed couple was about one more problem away from a panic. Their cruise was boarding later that afternoon and they needed a flight out pronto. The ticket lady said, “Why did you wait until today to fly out?” The girl smiled and said something nice. Matt and I both quietly made rude remarks about the ticket lady’s lack of compassion. There was another flight in thirty minutes to LaGuardia and then a 10:30am to Miami. We were all relieved.
It was then the girl realized that her ID was in the carry-on bag that had been taken at the last minute and stowed as we boarded. Matt’s carry-on was taken as well. Neither had been returned and the plane was pulling away from the gate. She asked if she would need her ID in LaGuardia. The ticket lady assured us that we wouldn’t have to go though security again. Then she followed up with, “Why did you put your ID in your bag?” You could see cute, recently glowing girl begin to scowl. I think we all assume that when we carry-on a bag we are going to carry it off as well. We were told that the carry-on bags (that were stowed away) and checked bags would all be waiting at Miami.
We got on the next flight.
Holy fuck.
I’ve been on flights where there have been moments of turbulence. I’ve been on flights were there have been spans of turbulence. This plane flew like a washer on spin cycle with three too many pairs of jeans in it all the whole way to New York. It was miserable.
When we landed in LaGuardia, we happened to hear the married couple stop an agent and ask them about the next gate. The next gate was in a different concourse and we would have to go through security again. Nice. The poor girl about lost it. We walked off while she was pleading her situation.
As it turned out, they ran into someone helpful. The employee had walked her through security where she had to fill out “I don’t have ID” paperwork which is usually reserved for Libertarians and assholes from the internet. I guess I just could have said Libertarians there.
The flight from LaGuardia to Miami was just as bad if not worst for the first 50% of the trip. Matt was green. I was green with red dots. If one person on that flight would have even gagged, the whole flight would have erupted in an orgy of vomit.
No one puked and by South Carolina the flight smoothed out.
We landed.
In Miami, Matt and I went to the baggage customer service desk. The guy at the desk loves his job. I assume he was a mortgage broker 18 months ago and because he can no longer fuck people over there, he got hired by the airlines. He asked for the ticket stub of the bag that was supposed to be carry-on, but was stowed. There was no stub because Matt never got one. The ex-broker said that there HAD to be a stub. Matt explained that the woman only put a red tag on the bag and that there was no other stub or stub like identification. The guy scanned his screen, inhaled most the air in the building right before he let out a huge sigh and said that our bags would be at XX baggage claim.
The bags were at XX baggage claim. We saw the 80 pound girl and wished her the best.
We were in Miami for about 24 hours until our trip back.
Our trip back was fine.
As we were leaving the Columbus airport, we saw the ticket lady again. Not in person but on the wall where they post the photos of the team member who receive awards. Hers was for Customer Service.
We laughed loud enough for most people in the Max and Erma’s bar to stop and stare.
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