I’m still trying to decide if I got the letter “i” the word “I” or the Roman numeral one.
Rob from www.cockeyed.com. is giving out link opportunities that are connected to a story in which every single word in the story is linked elsewhere. A very interesting idea. It might be a complete flop, but he thought of it and you’ve got to give the guy credit for that.
I got “I.”
As a bonus, he is auctioning off several words on e-bay. I bid on "sucks" but got immediately outbid. I’ll wait to the very end to snipe my word. If I do win, I’ll link it to the You Suck, Joe Show story.
You can read about it here on The Very Well Linked Story.
I chose the letter “I” because I am a day late and had to pick from the leftover “I”s the “am”s and the “of”s.
Since this is the letter “I” and I am all about me, I will dedicate this page to Doug.
Here are some things you do not know about Doug. Or things you do know about Doug and are afraid to share with your friends:
I have broken my arm twice.
I lost my virginity at 19.
I like going to Outland.
I have been friends with Russ since kindergarten.
I currently have tweleve secret crushes.
I have a list of three famous people I am allowed to sleep if I get the opportunity. They are: Christina Ricci, Leelee Sobieski and Melissa Joan Hart. (I just have to call home first.)
I have had one major concussion, one minor concussion and one major concussion.
I have broken several chairs in my lifetime.
I cannot say the word Woolworths.
Here’s to I!
Red Parked Better
We went to lunch at the Asian buffet today. There isn't any quicker physical turn around than going from starving to the bowel hiccupping, sick that this buffet induces. Still, we go once every two weeks. Time heals all wounds.
As we went in today, I noticed a blue SUV attempting to use the four wheel drive the guy paid an extra 4K for with the Avenger Package.
Looks like you almost got to the top of Everest there Mallory.
Two plates of non-MSG infused batter and sticky rice later, we came out to find blue SUV had left and Red SUV parked in his place.
Red parked better.
As we went in today, I noticed a blue SUV attempting to use the four wheel drive the guy paid an extra 4K for with the Avenger Package.
Looks like you almost got to the top of Everest there Mallory.
Two plates of non-MSG infused batter and sticky rice later, we came out to find blue SUV had left and Red SUV parked in his place.
Red parked better.
Third Leg - A self portrait
It's hard to remember when photos were ever taken on film without the ability to see what you took immediately. I kind of remember f-stops and film speed.
This is my sister Karen's foot and the other two are mine. I only took one shot and didn't know until three months later how well it turned out.
Them's some sexy feets.
Fake Identity Theft
When I was 18, I had one of the greatest fake IDs of all time. It was my older brother Steve’s license. It was so good that I didn't have to memorize the SS# or even the birth date because everyone thought it was real (it was) and mine (it wasn’t.)
The first time I used the ID was at a gas station on the outskirts of town. I was pretty nervous, but my friends were all giddy to get their hands on some beer. I went in, grabbed a six pack and put it on the counter. The girl behind the counter asked for ID. I handed it over. She looked at it for a second and said, “This isn't you. I went to school with Steve. You are not Steve.”
I wasn’t expecting that kind of shutdown. So I quickly came up with a brilliant excuse.
Not-Steve: “Steve is sick.”
Girl Behind Counter: “Why does he need beer if he is sick?”
Not-Steve: “I don’t know.”
Fortunately, she handed the ID back. My friends drove me to a quik-e mart (laughing all the way about the “Steve’s sick” line) and I bought a 12 pack without any problem. It was all downhill from there.
I used the ID in Lancaster, Columbus and at Ohio University. I was never turned down.
Being that I am a generous and kind friend, I decided to loan it to my friend Nick when he asked for it. Nick and some others were heading up to The Newport on the Ohio State campus. Nick is a handsome devil and looked enough like me and my brother to use the ID. I gave it to him and said, “Don’t lose it!”
He lost it.
As it turned out, Nick was buying beers for everyone. Instead of buying three or four at a time, he was buying one, giving it to an underager and going back for more, trying to hit up a different bartender each time. One of the bartenders caught on and asked Nick to show him the ID. With the ID in hand, the bartender said, “You can either let me confiscate this or we can find a cop and find out if this is really you.” Nick walked away.
No more ID. No more Doug drinky drinky.
I never saw it again.
Several months later, Steve called. He had been down from Toledo in Columbus visiting his girlfriend. They had gone on a double date with his girlfriend's sorority sister. All four were queued in line at a bar and pulling out their IDs. The other couple, a younger couple, had their fake IDs.
And dude had my brother’s ID. My fake ID.
I’m not good at math, but those odds are f’ing unbelievable. The bartender must had kept the ID and sold it. Asshole. A great scam I must admit.
So I said to Steve, did you take it back? No? Shit.
As an apology, Nick let me have his older brother’s Ohio University ID. Way back when, the OU IDs had your birthdate on them. It worked in one or two bars in Athens. But it wasn’t the same.
I turned 21 before Steve ever made it back to the DMV.
The first time I used the ID was at a gas station on the outskirts of town. I was pretty nervous, but my friends were all giddy to get their hands on some beer. I went in, grabbed a six pack and put it on the counter. The girl behind the counter asked for ID. I handed it over. She looked at it for a second and said, “This isn't you. I went to school with Steve. You are not Steve.”
I wasn’t expecting that kind of shutdown. So I quickly came up with a brilliant excuse.
Not-Steve: “Steve is sick.”
Girl Behind Counter: “Why does he need beer if he is sick?”
Not-Steve: “I don’t know.”
Fortunately, she handed the ID back. My friends drove me to a quik-e mart (laughing all the way about the “Steve’s sick” line) and I bought a 12 pack without any problem. It was all downhill from there.
I used the ID in Lancaster, Columbus and at Ohio University. I was never turned down.
Being that I am a generous and kind friend, I decided to loan it to my friend Nick when he asked for it. Nick and some others were heading up to The Newport on the Ohio State campus. Nick is a handsome devil and looked enough like me and my brother to use the ID. I gave it to him and said, “Don’t lose it!”
He lost it.
As it turned out, Nick was buying beers for everyone. Instead of buying three or four at a time, he was buying one, giving it to an underager and going back for more, trying to hit up a different bartender each time. One of the bartenders caught on and asked Nick to show him the ID. With the ID in hand, the bartender said, “You can either let me confiscate this or we can find a cop and find out if this is really you.” Nick walked away.
No more ID. No more Doug drinky drinky.
I never saw it again.
Several months later, Steve called. He had been down from Toledo in Columbus visiting his girlfriend. They had gone on a double date with his girlfriend's sorority sister. All four were queued in line at a bar and pulling out their IDs. The other couple, a younger couple, had their fake IDs.
And dude had my brother’s ID. My fake ID.
I’m not good at math, but those odds are f’ing unbelievable. The bartender must had kept the ID and sold it. Asshole. A great scam I must admit.
So I said to Steve, did you take it back? No? Shit.
As an apology, Nick let me have his older brother’s Ohio University ID. Way back when, the OU IDs had your birthdate on them. It worked in one or two bars in Athens. But it wasn’t the same.
I turned 21 before Steve ever made it back to the DMV.
Frozen Turd
My co-worker Angie is looking for a beater car for her daughter. She found this van on Craig’s list and thought it was funny. I have to agree.
B and B excitement quickly turned to scam disappointment
I love it when I see a company named B & B. (You can read why here-> B & B ). I don't care what product or service they are hawking; I'd buy it just to have the B & B label.
At least that's what I thought.
We got the postcard below in the mail today. (The entire rectangular graphic in the white area is actually the backside of the postcard with a little magnification added. Clicky to enlarge.)
I noticed the B & B Promotions in the address and got all happy. It was hard to see the address amongst all the Wal-Mart logos and smiley faces. Looks like the B & B Promotions hooked themselves up with a huge retailer. Of course, B & B is all about hooking up.
Then I noticed the small print:
"Some restrictions apply. Must be a homeowner to participate. Not affiliated with Wal-Mart."
So, basically, this is a scam of some sorts. I’m sure you call the 1-800 number and they will try to sell you insurance or a water purifier or a water purifying insurance policy.
I could give two shits about Wal-Mart, but this "Promotions" company is tainting the proud history of the letter B ampersand letter B. So, I am forwarding on a scan of the postcard to Wal-Mart suggesting they do something about this company that dares take the name of B & B in vain.
If you know of a B & B product that will get me out of my funk, please let me know.I READ YOU
At least that's what I thought.
We got the postcard below in the mail today. (The entire rectangular graphic in the white area is actually the backside of the postcard with a little magnification added. Clicky to enlarge.)
I noticed the B & B Promotions in the address and got all happy. It was hard to see the address amongst all the Wal-Mart logos and smiley faces. Looks like the B & B Promotions hooked themselves up with a huge retailer. Of course, B & B is all about hooking up.
Then I noticed the small print:
"Some restrictions apply. Must be a homeowner to participate. Not affiliated with Wal-Mart."
So, basically, this is a scam of some sorts. I’m sure you call the 1-800 number and they will try to sell you insurance or a water purifier or a water purifying insurance policy.
I could give two shits about Wal-Mart, but this "Promotions" company is tainting the proud history of the letter B ampersand letter B. So, I am forwarding on a scan of the postcard to Wal-Mart suggesting they do something about this company that dares take the name of B & B in vain.
If you know of a B & B product that will get me out of my funk, please let me know.
Pant Leg - Ketchikan, AK 1992
In the Summer of 1992, I worked in Ketchikan, AK as a retorter in a salmon canning factory. I worked with two other guys, Dan and Jim. This is a leg off of Dan's pants and several sayings that we had over the Summer. OK, Jeremy was in on it too. But he was in the can loft and the can loft is for pussies.
Click on the photo to go to my Flickr page and see the detail on the writing.
Public Shaming or Corporate Line Dance
I was recently the consumer of a service which was sub-par. Being passive/aggressive, I did nothing at the time of the transgression and am dealing with it now, two weeks later.
I have two options:
1. Public Shaming
In this instance, I would share my tale of woe with you, my virtuous readers, and make sarcastic comments about the failure of service. I’d mention how f’ed up the situation is and that the only way anything is going to change is if someone points a fiery brand at the problem in front of a large group of witnesses and shames the company into action.
2. Corporate Line Dance
This option involves communication and time. Write a letter to customer service and wait to see their response. Reply back and forth ad nauseum. This is where you attempt to get satisfaction through a corporate level change in policy or in hush-hush coupons.
For the sake of content, I’ll go with the Corporate Line Dance. This allows me to solve the problem without being a dick. It will also give me additional material for future writings.
I’ll let you know how it goes. Hopefully with copies of e-mails and such!
I have two options:
1. Public Shaming
In this instance, I would share my tale of woe with you, my virtuous readers, and make sarcastic comments about the failure of service. I’d mention how f’ed up the situation is and that the only way anything is going to change is if someone points a fiery brand at the problem in front of a large group of witnesses and shames the company into action.
2. Corporate Line Dance
This option involves communication and time. Write a letter to customer service and wait to see their response. Reply back and forth ad nauseum. This is where you attempt to get satisfaction through a corporate level change in policy or in hush-hush coupons.
For the sake of content, I’ll go with the Corporate Line Dance. This allows me to solve the problem without being a dick. It will also give me additional material for future writings.
I’ll let you know how it goes. Hopefully with copies of e-mails and such!
I love hot moms
Miss Sally had to work today while the rest of Columbus sat around in their pajamas for the second day.
Before she left, she gave me a Valentines Day gift. This T-shirt.
I love Miss Sally.
Greg took this photo. He's got to work on the composition and his f-stops are a bit muddy.
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