New Star Wars Character: General Phallus

Greg got a General Pharl McQuarrie Star Wars action figure for Christmas.


His head pops off very easily and as I was sticking it back on I noticed that his neck is actually the end of a penis.


I think I remember a General Phallus from the Return of the Jedi.

DB Used Christmas Trees

Every once in a great while, someone comes up with that one in a million idea. The “Why didn’t I think of that?” idea. The idea that will shake a generation to its collective knees.

Well my friend Dave thought of one and he’s going to make millions. I’m glad I am getting in on the front end!

Presenting:

DB’s Used Christmas Trees



Here's how the business came together:
Trees harvested from local curbs are gently dumped in yard


Wire and banners hung (special thanks to the flag pole!)


Trees arranged alphabetically according to genus, needle count and amount of tinsel left on branches.


$5,400 spent on logo design


And here is the final product


So here's to you Dave! And here's the team of folks that helped you get there. We hope you enjoy your profits once you return home from vacation.


BONUS MATERIAL

Deer head on door


Someone actually had this tree in their home


This tree came complete with lights and pre-attached stand


All my photos are on Flickr.

Greg and Dad - Voting Difficulties

I am starting a new segment called "Greg and Dad." These are single panel cartoons that are drawn by Greg with text by Dad. The only thing I provide is the panel for Greg to draw in. Or at least in close proximity to.

Subliminal Company Logo

Any guesses?


You would think that this is the logo for the "Cock and Balls Company." We are still deciphering whether this is supposed to represent a printing press, a letter "g", a ying/yang or the team favorite, cock and balls.

Baby Ann in Columbus Monthly



Ann's photo was in the November issue of Columbus Monthly magazine. Erlina from Erlina Kim Photography was featured in a section about baby photography.

Damn. She is cute.

You're moving from LA to where?

{Author's Note: This has been updated as of 12/18/07 5-5-09... many a few things a lot of stuff has changed.}

Dear Amber,

My friend Lacey shared with me that you are moving have moved from Los Angeles to Columbus, OH. (I put OH after Columbus as we are not cool enough just to be known as just Columbus.) I do not know why Lacey would suggest me as your virtual tour guide except that once I gave her directions on how to get to the Columbus Zoo. She ended up in OrlandoLos Angeles so I’m not sure what that says about me.

There are only two reasons to move to Columbus: love or lust. You are from LA so I can only assume you are a Scientologist on a secret mission to find out what makes the Eastern Mid-Westerns tick. We have three motivations in Columbus: food, drink and fun. I have asked my friends to help me compile a list of places to go and things to do in Columbus. I had to ask my friends because all I know about Columbus involves drinking and I’d like to think there is more to this town than the bottom of a bottle.

I’m not good at categorizing so I’ll just roll with it:

Food
Columbus actually has really good food. When you get off the plane or when you are pulled over for speeding as you drive into the city limits, take note of all the fat and happy people. So, here are some good eatins:

If you like Mexican, margaritas and patio dining:
Estradas
Great for people watching and if you drink enough, great for people to watch you.
Estradas has closed, but has re-opened as the NEW B-Hamptons. See BARS.

If you like awesome raw fish:
Restaurant Japan
Authentic Japanese atmosphere without the drunken business men.
**AUTHORS NOTE** Sadly, Restaurant Japan is closed and has been replaced by Sher-E-Punjab Indian. They do not have raw fish and I have to assume that they cook their food.

As a replacement, let me suggest the Tropical Bistro. Columbus used to be home to an unbelievable Tiki Restaurant called The Kahiki. Somebody must have worn the bad luck necklace from the Brady Bunch into it because it was closed down and replaced by a CVS. The Kahiki was stripped and all the decorative goodies were lovingly stored in a warehouse. Six years later, a tornado passed through the warehouse, gathered up the scenic elements and into a strip mall where the decorations were randomly stuck to the walls of an old Chinese carryout. They then decided to open up a bistro there. The Tropical Bistro has one of the chef's from the Kahiki and a couple of the bartenders as well. It's not the Kahiki, but when your are thirsty, you’ll drink about anything. They still make the best Suffering Bastard. CLOSED

If you like raw fish and hanging out with people who think you have to pay a lot to eat raw fish:
Haiku Poetic Food & Art (Restaurant)
You order sushi
Gucci bag and Prada shoes
We don’t take checks here

If you like sushi and karaoke (which is actually authentic Japanese atmosphere)
Otani Restaurant & Sushi Bar
They have a sushi buffet for lunch and that scares the bejesus out of me.

If you like both Germans and German food:
Schmidt's Restaurant und Sausage Haus
Hmmmmmm… sausage! I suggest brining along an extra pair of Gludaclowsen so that you don’t have to worry about splitting your wunderflutag and exposing your heidegraben.

Here are some other suggestions that I would write about except that I’ve been kicked out of two and cannot pronounce the third without coughing up phlegm:
Milo’s Deli
Spagio
Claddagh Irish Pub

Things To Do While Sober
This one was very tough for me. Luckily I had a number of friends who actually do things with their families outside of happy hour.

Parks
Inniswood Metro Garden
(This is word for word what Erik suggested) It’s a nice place to go with your family or take a romantic walk with your friend’s wife. It’s easy to navigate and lots to see. The last time I was there I saw a turtle, two snakes, and at least a half dozen frogs. They have a small nature preserve, nice gardens and some ponds, with interactives and signage for kids.

Highbanks Metro Park
They have a butterfly and hummingbird garden! If you have a cat and a cat leash you can take it on one of their three pet friendly paths. If you don't have a cat leash, thank God... I was worried there for a minute.

Bike Paths
I hear tell that bike riding can be a fun, invigorating, family building activity. I’ve listed the web site of the bike paths in Central Ohio so that we can both check it out.

Movies
The Drexel
The Drexel plays movies that make Al Gore cry. They also have a problem with their projectors as some films are black and white. Luckily, they run the words at the bottom of the screen.

The Arena Grand
The Arena Grand movie complex has big, comfy, red leather seats. Not sure if that is for comfort or easy clean up. I hear it is a great place for a first date except that the seats are too far apart for a clean “yawn, stretch and reach to arm over the shoulder” trick.

Things To Do While Not Sober
There are a lot of places to drink in Columbus. We’ve got ritzy places and we’ve got dive bars. We got places where a 24 year old idiot will hit on you, other places where a 42 year old idiot will hit on you and a few that I don’t go to. Here are a few of my favorite spots:

The R Bar (North of Campus and in the Arena District)
{The R Bar is now closed... I weep and weep again. This is the bar where we went to see the Small-of-the-Back-Girl and to go to Phase 3 and to cry when we all got laid off from COSI. Well, shit....}

B-Hamptons (awesome happy hour and good looking clientel)
I wept when I got the news.
B Hamptons has been re-born as Hampton's on King
Thurman Café (eat while you drink; try one of their world famous burgers)
Brazenhead Irish Pub (several locations, several beers on tap, several good looking people drinking at all hours of the day)
Char Bar (Check out the haunted piano in the basement. Use the chalkboards in the bathrooms to make fun of your friends.)
Byrne's Pub (Good music and Granddad’s pizza next door. Don’t ask for Guinness in a pitcher.)
The Round Bar (Look for the bartender who uses a scrunchie to flirt with the clientèle.) A fucking shame.

Dance
Skully's
I must implore you to check out Skully’s 80’s dance night. We usually get drinks at one of the above mentioned locations until 10:30pm and then head over to Skully’s. Ladies get in free and dudes pay $4. We have had some really great times at Skully’s. At least that’s what it looks like in the photos that are e-mailed to me the next day.

Outland
Wear black. Take a friend.
Hopefully with re-open.

I hope this list helps. There are a ton of things I left out. My suggestion to you is that you look for The Other Paper. It’s a free, weekly newspaper, published on Thursday that lists all the concerts, venues, bars and events happening in Columbus for that week. Dave tells me there are some interesting personal ads in the back. Lacey and I actually had our photo posted in the Other Paper once. Check it out!

Good luck. Columbus is surprisingly a great place to live. And drink. {Author's note: And drink more.}

Ten Ways I Exposed Myself to be a Dumbass

Voted for Bush in 2000
I still consider myself to be a Republican, but it is hard to be one when you are an atheist, pro-choice and pro-gay marriage. Even the Log Cabin Republicans won’t accept me in their ranks. In 2000, I voted for Bush because I did not like Gore’s “lock box” or his fiscal policies. I really didn’t vote for George Bush as much as I voted against Gore. I remember watching Bush’s inaugural address and thinking, “What did I just do?”

Got into a “debate” with a Truther
Holy crap. Do not under any circumstances get into a debate with a 9/11 Thruther. First off, there is no argument or scientific evidence you can provide that can’t be “countered” by a video on YouTube. Secondly, it seems that for every Thruther you start a conversation with, three more pop out of the internet with “friend of a friend” eyewitness reports, swearing to God that evidence of thermite residue was found in a burrito on 32nd street. And damnit… I hate getting called a sheeple. Or is the singular sheeperson?

Left “funny” AIDS voicemail on co-worker’s phone.
Years ago I was a supervisor over twenty or so part-timers. We had a change in a meeting time and I was calling all of the team to update them. I was attempting to be funny and left various prank messages with the new meeting time. When I called this particular team member, she did not answer so I left a message as “Doctor Ames” from the clinic and that her blood tests came back positive for AIDS and that she should come in at the new meeting time for her results. She did call me back. She called me back to say that her cousin had just died of AIDS and that she did not find my message very funny. I apologized, but it didn’t do any good. I am not smart. Dumbass.

Got caught jerking off when door was left unlocked
Without mentioning where, when, who or how; let just say the fact that I was making love to myself was pretty clear. Guys… lock the door or build the thing where you can put a 2x4 across the frame. Otherwise, your poor mother will be scarred for life and her poor boy will blindly rot in hell. (FYI, it was to a Cosmopolitan Magazine, the jerking material of choice for 13 year old boys since 1886.)

Hit reply all
I think that many people have fallen into this e-mail snafu. I had a pretty good relationship with my boss and felt like I could say anything to him. When an e-mail came around about some company wide changes, I felt obligated to reply to him and suggest he take the changes and shove them up his ass. Twelve other people got the “shove up your ass” reply that day. I did not get fired. But I did have to apologize for the e-mail. Of course, no one believed it.

Fell asleep on the couch… in the garage
This one takes a bit of explaining. I came home very late one night after being out. Usually, I pull my car into the garage and head in, but this night when I opened the garage door, there was a couch in my parking spot. We had just bought a new couch and were donating the old one to the Salvation Army. The couch dudes were kind enough to stick the old couch in our garage for easy pickup. I parked in the driveway, closed the garage door and slunk inside. Usually I would then creep to the couch so that I would not wake up Miss Sally, but upon entering the house, I remember her mother was spending the night and she was asleep on the couch in front of the television. My solution? Sleep on the couch… in the garage.

I remember waking up in almost total darkness. A long, thin crack of bright light poked me in the eye. I thought, “Where the fuck am I?” I was a little freaked out. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I recognized a car shape. I shuffled to the door and walked inside. It was 10:00am and my wife and her mother were standing in the kitchen staring at me. Oh boy.

Used debit card at the nudie bar
In one of the greatest nudie bar adventures of my life, I went to the Landing Strip in Romulus, MI. Needless to say, it was a very, very good time. At one point in the night, I had run out of the cash I brought and needed, desperately it seemed, to buy a drink for a young lady. Instead of taking out cash from the ATM that charged $20 a pop, I started a tab. I bought a drink for me and a drink for her. Probably around $30. About five days later, Miss Sally called me to say she had tried to buy something and we had insufficient funds. I checked our account and the Landing Strip was holding my card for $500!!!! I about shit my pants. I called them up and was put in touch with the manager. She assured me that I was not being charged $500, but that was the hold that they put on my card and it would disappear once the charge went through. I had to explain this to Miss Sally. Oh boy.

Thought I was going to vote for Guiliani
Six months ago, Guiliani was my man. He’s got some of the qualities I hold dear: gruff, wise ass, son-a-bitch, kinda pro-life and kinda gay marriage. And he can beat Hillary in an election. But then I actually decided to read about him and the bottom dropped out. He started to change his opinions. He started to hem. He started to haw. I thought it was a joke that every other word out of his mouth was 9/11 until it started to happen with every word. The final straw was him answering his cell phone during a speech. Idiot. I just might end up voting for Ron Paul.

Separated from John in Europe
John and I went to Paris in the fall of 1993. Due to some sleeping issues on the flight over (I slept the whole way and he didn’t sleep at all) we were on completely different schedules. He would wake up around 4:00am local time and I would wake up at 10:00am. He would go to bed at 7:00pm and me at 1:00am. This gave us about six hours of waking time together during the day. Due to some other inconvenient planning, we spent eleven days in Paris without traveling outside the city limits. By that time we were sick of Paris and sick of each other. He wanted to go to London and I wanted to go to Spain. We argued and in the end, we parted ways. He had a great time in London, mostly. I had a great time in Spain, mostly. But I love (hate?) to think about the trouble we would have gotten into if we could have agreed to stick together and pick one destination over the other.

Did not step into a fight
In seventh grade, my friend and I were kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Three bullies came along and took the ball. Fred stood up to the biggest one of them and tried to get the ball back. The bully pushed back and his buddies helped to rough up Fred. I hung my head and did not intervene. Fred kept getting shoved to the ground, but he kept getting up. Finally he stayed down and they laughed and walked away. I will never forget my cowardice that day. Dumbass.

The Christmas Miracle or How I Lied to My Wife

Let's be honest, Christmas is a huge pain in the ass. Yes, there is the love and the family and the opportunity to look back over the past year and see that things are going well / could be worse / will get better next year / pass the bottle of Wild Turkey. But the preparations for that magnificent moment are what weigh down on me. Lights on the house. Decorations. Lying about certain guys in red suits. Shopping. And getting the tree.

The tree.

When I was a kid, we’d drive out to the local tree farm and search though an acre of land to find the “perfect” tree. Dad would use his arm span to determine the tree height, width, its mass and amount of drag it would cause on the top of the car. We’d all take turns at a few saw cuts on the base before we’d notice that the tree trunk was outrageously crooked and then we’d repeat the whole process at the “almost perfect” tree right next to the first. Timber! We would then drag the tree through the grass and mud wishing there was snow. With a combination of twine and string and rope, we’d fasten the tree to the car through the backseat windows and dad would have us get in the front doors and clamber over the seat to get into the back. (Do not carry the saw with you as you flop over the seats!) The way home had father using a combination of slight steering adjustments, even slighter breaking and drafting to keep the tree from falling off the roof.

Nowadays, the wife and I go to a tree lot. We found a place that has a good selection and reasonable pricing. My four year old, Greg, likes to play hide and seek in the fake forest. Last year it wasn’t hide and seek but rather “Greg won’t answer when mom calls frantically for him for five minutes.” We found a tree rather quickly this year and Sally had to stand next to it while Greg and I snuck through the forest. Once we paid for the tree, the three guys smoking cigarettes by the fire pit simultaneously cut off the bottom, trimmed back branches on the trunk to exactly 8” and tied the tree to the roof of the van (sadly, not through the windows.)

We got home and set the tree up. I let it acclimate to our home’s particular temperature and humidity (or let it “fall” as dad calls it.) I got through attaching the first series of bulbs to the very top of the tree before Miss Sally inquired if I had tested the lights first. I hadn’t, which made 1/3rd of them immediately not work when I did plug them in. That aside, all else went well. As we trimmed it, Greg stuck his army men in the branches. I watered the tree and we all went to bed.

The next morning I tried to add more water to the tree, but only soaked the carpet when the base overflowed from the very first bit of water poured in. I stuck my hand in… it was still full. Miss Sally said she had not filled it which meant the tree was not taking water. We decided to wait to see what would happen that night.

The water was still there except for the tiny bit that the cat might have drank out of it. I went to bed with images of spontaneous combustion and cats on fire running through my head. The next morning, Miss Sally said she had not slept a wink, not because of our children dying in a tree induced fire, but because she thought all the needles were going to fall off and the tree would look like a barren twig by Christmas. It was time for drastic measures. So I ran to the internet.

My search revealed a suggestion that you can attempt to tip the tree, cut an additional inch or two off and reset it, hoping for the best. We laid down towels and blankets, set the tree down with army men falling to their deaths. I cut off two inches just to be sure and we set the tree back up without loss of a single Christmas ornament. I re-filled the base with water and we waited. I thought I could hear the tree slurping up the water. I thought.

Hours later, right before bed, the water level was still the same. I then made a decision to lie. Miss Sally would get a good night sleep this night! I went into the kitchen and told Sally that the tree was taking the water and that I was going to re-fill it. She was relieved. I fake filled it and we went to bed. Sally slept.

That next morning, I shared my evil plan with my friend John. I would siphon water out of the base with a turkey baster and re-fill the base with watering help from Greg, adding to the lie and making him an unknowing accomplice. John simplified my plan when he suggested that I just tell Sally that I was filling the base in the mornings after she left for work. Genius.

This evening, I went to fake fill the base. As I ran the water for a minute, but only filled the container with only a cup of water, I began to feel guilty. But that only lasted a few seconds and I ran to top off the water in the tree base.

And that is when the Christmas miracle happened! The base was empty! The tree was drinking the water! I stuck my hand way down into the bottom and there was just a bit of water left. I went back to the sink, filled the container and topped off the base, this time for real.

At dinner, I confessed my sins to Miss Sally. I came clean about everything. I said that I was doing it all for her. I said it was a Christmas miracle.

She asked me what else I was lying about.

Tonight, as I sleep on the couch, I’ll be able to see the glow of the Christmas lights in the family room.

Unless that’s the glow of a cat on fire.

Words and Phrases You Should Hate

Here is a list of common words and phrases I cannot stand. See if your hated verbiage is in the list!

Meh
This word completely pisses me off. Perhaps it is how falls out of the mouth with such disdain. Or that it is one of the few words in which you don’t use your tongue to pronounce. Most of all, it’s the compression of so much indifference that is crammed into a three letter word. People use it to replace pages of text and explanation. It’s like saying, “I don’t care about you or your opinion enough to reply with anything but a monosyllabic, muted yelp." On top of all that, I'm compelled to say it out loud whenever I read it. Meh. Yuck.

You’ve got your work cut out for you
Who thought of this crappy phrase? It’s ass backwards. The phrase is supposed to mean that you have a tough job ahead with a lot of pain and suffering sprinkled on top. I think most people understand it as such when reading or hearing it. But what I don’t get is that if your work is all ready cut out for you, the first step would be done and you’d be that much closer to completing your task. What would be a lot of work is if you had to cut the work out yourself and then do it. I guess that phrase would be, “You’ve got your work to cut out.” Now that I’ve written it, I’m not so pleased with that one either.

Don’t go there
This phrase has crossed ethnic boundaries and become popular with whitey which has caused it to fail. A lot of times you will see this phrase accentuated with "uh-huh" and "girl" and various closed mouth noises and finger wagging. By saying "Don't go there" you are admitting guilt of having been "there" and of doing something embarrassing while "there." Just don’t go there.

Absolutely
This word is used too often and people don’t really know its true power. Absolutely is a commanding word with no ifs ands or buts. It should be used with caution. If someone responds “absolutely” to your question, you should feel empowered and take them up on it. I get it a lot when asking to speak to someone over the phone. “Can I please speak with Mr. Jones?” “Absolutely.” At that moment, I am thusly sanctioned to let Mr. Jones hear what ever I want to tell him about my kids or my thoughts on how he’s running his company into the ground. Next time someone says “absolutely” to you, clarify that is what they said and then have at it.

Pwned
I simply don’t like this word because I never get to use it. I am the one who get his ass handed to him in games and arguments. I suck.

Couple
I don’t blame anyone but myself for this one. For years, I thought that “a couple” could mean two or three or four. The dictionary might say that the informal definition is “a few; several: a couple of days,” but 98% of the world has corrected me. One co-worker solidified her stance with the well known Ohio phrase “a couple three” which when uttered can be used to describe how much beer to pick up. “Since Tommy’s bringing his kids, you might ‘unt to pick up a couple three cases of Pabst.”

Awesome
Unless it’s said by a stoner guy, awesome grates on my nerves. NASA seems to over use it to describe stuff in space. If it’s a stone guy describing stuff in space, I’m 50/50.

Top Ten
I dislike top ten, mainly because you can guarantee that the list is faulty or open to debate. The only Top Ten list I ever saw that was even close to being dead on was Yang Sma's Top Ten List of molds, spores and fungi. He pretty much nailed that one.

Blog
Christ. Blog is such an overly fanciful word. Only because it describes what I am doing now. And what the annoying stay at home mom across the street is doing. And most twelve year olds. I hate that the outlet for my brilliance is described in the same way as the writings of Lisa’s two cats or Bob’s internal struggle with coming out of the closet. Someone needs to come up with a new word so that I can move on.

Git r done
Without question, the worst phrase ever uttered, right after “The stripper you knocked up is talking to your wife about the venereal disease she gave you.”

Napkin Bet


napkin bet, originally uploaded by holyjuan.

Conny was in town for a few days and we had a few drinks at Byrne's Pub.

During our conversation, he suggested that Ohio State was going to get beat by 14 points in the Championship Game.

So we each bet. Ten bucks if each person's team wins outright. Twenty if the team wins by 14 points.

We drew it up on a napkin. Looks like a logic problem. I like our signatures though.

Sexist

Videos?

I just realized that I can post videos to my site.

Do you have a video you want posted? Do you have a video that someone else does not want posted? Lemmie know! holyjuan@gmail.com

I have an audience to maintain so keep it somewhere between PG13 and Patton Oswald.

Seven things you can do to help your relationship

Here are seven tips to help keep your relationship happy and healthy.

Write it down
If you have something to say, say it on paper. Write down your feelings and issues. Sort them out, get rid of the anger and construct a valid statement. Then sit them down at the kitchen table and say it. DO NOT GIVE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER A NOTE – unless you are dumping them, then you can leave a note.

Don’t internet cheat
If you are having an affair on line, you are in a very, very, deep, darkish dark grey area. Internet relationships are just practice for cheating in real life. Thought I think the only place that men and women can actually be friends is on the internet, if you start thinking that a relationship via the internet is harmless, you are mistaken. Some internet forums are a great place to seek advice and to anonymously get issues off your chest. But when you start innocently flirting and it progresses, your real relationship will suffer. It will suffer even more when your spouse uses your AIM logs and e-mails in court.

Do stuff together– on a schedule
I hate to say this, but “date night” works. When my buddies say they can’t go out drinking because they have date night, I can’t help but roll my eyes and start throwing out the manly insults. Of course, when it’s my date night and my buddies call and start to chide me, I tell them they are insensitive and do not understand how a good relationship works.

Sex is also great on a schedule. You and your spouse should work out one day a week that you decide to have sex. Of course, Miss Sally will get into bed and I will say, “It’s Have Sex Tuesday!” And Miss Sally will say, “But wasn’t last night Have Sex Monday?” That’s when I reach under the bed and pull out the calendar marked “Tuesday” that has all the Tuesdays marked with a red circle. Just don’t let your significant other look under the bed and see the other six calendars.

Say it on a daily basis
“You are pretty.”
“I like that shirt on you.”
“You look great.”
“I miss you.”
“Have a good day.”
“You smell great.”
“That was a nice dinner.”
“Kiss me.”
“I love you.”

Get away. But not too far away
I am a big fan of guys night out. I am also a fan of wife night out. It’s good for both individuals in the relationship to have other friends and other hobbies that can get them away for a few hours. Just make sure that you balance that time with your own time together. Miss Sally bought me an anniversary card that read, “My husband and I go out two nights a week. He goes out on Thursdays and I go out on Saturdays.” Sadly, I need to take my own advice on this one.

If you do get involved in a hobby, ensure that it does not take up all your time or involve Team Fortress 2 or World of Warcraft. Those are relationship killers.

Exercise
This one is the hardest of all for me, but it’s probably the smartest of all the suggestions listed here. Exercise keeps you healthy. Makes you better in the sack. Keeps off the pounds. Make you look good. Keeps you alive for longer so that you can spend more time with the ones you love. It makes you feel good.

I, of course, do not exercise because I fear that if I get any better looking, it will actually threaten my marriage with all the chicks noticing me. For the sanctity of my marriage, I’ll hold off from working out. I will make this sacrifice for love.

Massage
I can guarantee that if you make time for massage, you will get laid. If you don’t know how to massage, buy a book. It is a very intimate and a relationship building opportunity. And did I mention you can guarantee sex? Because you will definitely get some action. And if the guys are not into getting a massage, I would highly suggest the B for B or Rub and Tug. That’s where the man gives the woman a back rub and the woman gives the guy a back rub except that you replace the phrase “woman gives a backrub” with “woman gives a blowjob.”