Showing posts sorted by date for query jesus. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query jesus. Sort by relevance Show all posts
1,003 posts... I mean 1,004
Somewhere along the way, I've created 1,003 posts with this one being the 1,004th.
I'm not sure how that is possible, so I stayed up all night doing some research.
745 of the posts were re-posts of the same article about me being drunk in Chicago.
20 were Jesus cartoons
15 were pictures Greg drew
12 were Erik Eats
200 were rants about comments in other posts
4 were articles about drinking and Margot and the Nuclear So and So's.
6 were poorly photoshopped jokes
Which leaves 2 posts that were actually real, down to earth articles about life, love, family and happiness.
Except that this is one of those two posts so I assume this one doesn't count.
Oh well, thanks for reading. When people blame me for being an egotistical bastard, I blame you for continuing to return and read my stuff.
Thanks, suckers.
HJ
I'm not sure how that is possible, so I stayed up all night doing some research.
745 of the posts were re-posts of the same article about me being drunk in Chicago.
20 were Jesus cartoons
15 were pictures Greg drew
12 were Erik Eats
200 were rants about comments in other posts
4 were articles about drinking and Margot and the Nuclear So and So's.
6 were poorly photoshopped jokes
Which leaves 2 posts that were actually real, down to earth articles about life, love, family and happiness.
Except that this is one of those two posts so I assume this one doesn't count.
Oh well, thanks for reading. When people blame me for being an egotistical bastard, I blame you for continuing to return and read my stuff.
Thanks, suckers.
HJ
HolyJuan - Atheist Blogger?
I recently I found out that I was an Atheist. Well, my site is. I personally don't believe in my site, but I do believe that an actual blog exists, so I'm Agblogstic.
I'm currently rated as the 34th most popular Atheist site on the web.
http://atheistblogger.com/rankings/
There's only one instance of my using "atheist" on my site (at least before I created this post) with this cartoon: Jesus in Therapy.
I assume the friendly Jesus posts are a dead giveaway...
I'm currently rated as the 34th most popular Atheist site on the web.
http://atheistblogger.com/rankings/
There's only one instance of my using "atheist" on my site (at least before I created this post) with this cartoon: Jesus in Therapy.
I assume the friendly Jesus posts are a dead giveaway...
The Real Story of Jesus
Everyone should know that the story you have probably heard of Jesus is really not that correct. Here is the actual story:
Back in 0 when Jesus was born, his parents received some stolen merchandise from three gang members (The Kings of Asia) who asked them to hold on to the stuff and hide it until the tax season was over. Mary pawned the Myrrh, Joseph and some other sheep herders smoked the frankincense and they made haste with the gold.
On the road, Mary and Joseph set up a traveling circus with a side show to try to make money to pay off the Kings of Asia. They put Joseph in a dress as the bearded lady, Mary guessed age/weight while tending to the trained animals (seven seals), and they set their kid Jesus up to do slight of hand and sell the cure-alls.
As he grew up, Jesus got sick of the circus and started his own gang. He’d do anything to get members, even talking to the stinky people and the ones with gross diseases. Free sushi sandwiches brought thousands to his recruitment seminars and Jesus’ buy one jug of wine get twelve free offer was well known throughout the region. More people might have joined the gang, but Jesus only liked certain types of men with which to hang out.
Jesus was a pretty nice guy, but he always seemed focused on his dad's bi-polar disorder. Every story he told would start out fine, but he'd always end up back with his father issues and that someday he'd stand up and tell him how he really felt.
In the end, as the Kings of Asia were closing in, Jesus was visited by Time Travelers from the future who promised to provided him a cryogenic suspension device and convinced him that if he deposited his 30 silver coins in the bank today and waited to pop out in a few thousand years, he would not only have unlimited fortune, but fame as well.
Jesus agreed, paid the money, had a huge dinner to celebrate and then was immediately turned over, by the Time Travelers, to the Romans. Jesus was hung on a cross until dead and tossed in the side of a cliff. The Time Travelers got the guards drunk, stole the body of Jesus and left behind a life sized painting of Jesus that looked almost exactly like him except that he was painted Caucasian.
The Time Travelers slipped the rest of Jesus’ gang a shitload of LSD on unleaven bread and told them that they better not pout and better not cry or Jesus would come back and make with the pestilence. After sprinkling the country side with hundreds of chalices and Spears of Destiny, the Time Travelers disappeared into the sky.
The End
Back in 0 when Jesus was born, his parents received some stolen merchandise from three gang members (The Kings of Asia) who asked them to hold on to the stuff and hide it until the tax season was over. Mary pawned the Myrrh, Joseph and some other sheep herders smoked the frankincense and they made haste with the gold.
On the road, Mary and Joseph set up a traveling circus with a side show to try to make money to pay off the Kings of Asia. They put Joseph in a dress as the bearded lady, Mary guessed age/weight while tending to the trained animals (seven seals), and they set their kid Jesus up to do slight of hand and sell the cure-alls.
As he grew up, Jesus got sick of the circus and started his own gang. He’d do anything to get members, even talking to the stinky people and the ones with gross diseases. Free sushi sandwiches brought thousands to his recruitment seminars and Jesus’ buy one jug of wine get twelve free offer was well known throughout the region. More people might have joined the gang, but Jesus only liked certain types of men with which to hang out.
Jesus was a pretty nice guy, but he always seemed focused on his dad's bi-polar disorder. Every story he told would start out fine, but he'd always end up back with his father issues and that someday he'd stand up and tell him how he really felt.
In the end, as the Kings of Asia were closing in, Jesus was visited by Time Travelers from the future who promised to provided him a cryogenic suspension device and convinced him that if he deposited his 30 silver coins in the bank today and waited to pop out in a few thousand years, he would not only have unlimited fortune, but fame as well.
Jesus agreed, paid the money, had a huge dinner to celebrate and then was immediately turned over, by the Time Travelers, to the Romans. Jesus was hung on a cross until dead and tossed in the side of a cliff. The Time Travelers got the guards drunk, stole the body of Jesus and left behind a life sized painting of Jesus that looked almost exactly like him except that he was painted Caucasian.
The Time Travelers slipped the rest of Jesus’ gang a shitload of LSD on unleaven bread and told them that they better not pout and better not cry or Jesus would come back and make with the pestilence. After sprinkling the country side with hundreds of chalices and Spears of Destiny, the Time Travelers disappeared into the sky.
The End
Jesus... that's morbid (explained)
I have received a surprising number of e-mails concerning the "Jesus... that's morbid" cartoon asking me what the fuck is going on with it. Here is the comic in question:
And here is an explanation:
He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!
And here is an explanation:
He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!
Greg and Dad sans Dad: Jesus Floats above Hell
Greg is in Kindergarten. Watching that kid learn how to read is one of the most exhilarating experience of my life. Being there as he starts to "get it" and realizing that he'll be smarter than me in less than three years is wild.
Then he brings this home (a few months ago) and completely freaks me out:
Upon looking at the drawing, you can see Jesus prostrate, floating above the fires of Hell. And he's got a smile on his face. Underneath all that is some text in Greg's handwriting. At first glance the words seem to sound out, "Pay By the Fire." This is a technique in Kindergarten they call "inventive spelling." They let the students write sentences, sounding out the words and writing how they think they should be spelled. As backwards as that sounds, it seems like it has been working.
As for Greg and this drawing, we spent $12,000 on therapy and $25,000 on an exorcist. Finally we asked Greg what the drawing was about and he said that he liked playing soccer by the fire. "Play by the fire?" Yes, play by the fire. Now we are spending $300 at the local OU branch campus to teach the boy perspective drawing.
Then he brings this home (a few months ago) and completely freaks me out:
Upon looking at the drawing, you can see Jesus prostrate, floating above the fires of Hell. And he's got a smile on his face. Underneath all that is some text in Greg's handwriting. At first glance the words seem to sound out, "Pay By the Fire." This is a technique in Kindergarten they call "inventive spelling." They let the students write sentences, sounding out the words and writing how they think they should be spelled. As backwards as that sounds, it seems like it has been working.
As for Greg and this drawing, we spent $12,000 on therapy and $25,000 on an exorcist. Finally we asked Greg what the drawing was about and he said that he liked playing soccer by the fire. "Play by the fire?" Yes, play by the fire. Now we are spending $300 at the local OU branch campus to teach the boy perspective drawing.
Funny comments from my Jesus Fish article
Awhile back ago, I wrote about Avoiding the Jesus Fish. My personal opinion is that people who advertise with a Jesus Fish are two bit scammers, working on the hearts, rather than the minds of consumers. Maybe a good advertising ploy, but I assume Jesus would frown upon it.
It’s an old article, but some poor woman happened upon it and found the need to comment. I found the need to argue with her using made up facts and lies. She took the bait and our conversation is as follows:
Anonymous said...
I'm not sure why the attack on plumbers, or any other business owner. My husband is a plumber and we are both Christians. No, his logo doesn't have a fish, but a "Knight" with a small cross on the sheild, representing the armour of faith. Most wouldn't even know the reason for the logo but it's what was chosen to represent HIMSELF, not to scam for business. As Christians, we are told by Jesus that if we don't publicly profess Him to others then He will not profess us to our Heavenly Father. Again, it's just something we choose to do, like others that choose to wear an "I'm with stupid" tee shirt or wear their pants down to their knees. It has nothing to do with using religion to gain business favors. If you have good service, you don't need it anyway, do you? Give the guys a break!!
Doug said...
See mam, that's the problem. If you do have good service, you don't need to trick people in by using a false God symbol. (No where in the Bible is the Shield with a cross on it mentioned, heathen.) If you husband provided good service, he wouldn't need it.
But I tracked down you husband's business and the Better Business Bureau had a few things to say:
1. over charging
2. shoddy craftsmanship
3. kicked a dog at owner's house
4. sleeping on the job
5. huge butt crack reveal
Mam, your husband should have three Jesus fishes and eight shields with a cross, a Jewish star and stack of Quran in his ads just to make sure you get all the business you can.
Good day friend!
Anonymous said...
While the Bible doesn't directly mention a "shield with a cross on it," the 6th chapter of Ephesians mentions putting on the whole armor of God, and one piece of this armor is faith, represented by a shield. Of course, this is symbolic, and so is the empty cross in Christianity. Makes sense to me, since the anonymous poster said earlier that the reason that emblem is used in her husbands logo is to represent the armor of faith.
Doug said...
NO! In the Latin translation of the Bible (I assume you are using the Americanized version) it says in Ephesians 6-12 "Thou shall make of thy SOUL armor of thy Lord." This does not mean a physical logo that you slap on a so-so Plumber's ad in the yellow pages.
You are defiling the Lord with your Pegan symbol. If Jesus were here, he would kick over your yellow pages ad in the Temple along with the tables of doves.
You sicken me.
Anonymous said...
Why in the world are you using the Latin Vulgate as your source when the original letter to the Ephesians was written in Greek...? Most Protestant Christian churches disregard the Latin Vulgate as canon.
The original Greek letter places these two words adjacent to each other: thyreos, which can be translated as a reference to a shield, and pistis, which references "faith."
The verse in question is also Ephesians 6:16, not Ephesians 6:12, or for that matter, 6:11 which sounds more like what you were referring to.
I'm sorry I sicken you. And I sincerely apologize for whatever harm any person has done to you to make you feel a personal vendetta against Christians. But you need to understand that not all Christians are the same, and generalizing Christians does nothing to help any situation. It only makes everything worse, just as Christians generalizing Atheists makes everything worse.
I understand that not all Atheists are snobby condescending Christian hating people who are trying to "extinguish" the world of religion. I hope you understand that not all Christians are Bible-beating fundamentalists who are out to further their own agenda and shove their beliefs down our throats.
Doug said...
Wow, you couldn't be more incorrect. You should check the Hermosis Guanta Codex for help with translation. Most scholars agree to the pistis meaning faith, but thyreos is a derivation of thyrscis, which loosely means a large separation of body or "A big shit." I think basically what they are trying to say is that anyone who would profess their faith along with an advertisement for their work buries their faith in excrement. You should study your bible history. This is an outrage.
Anonymous said...
Lol that was actually pretty funny. But seeing as you're just messing with me now, there's no need to continue. See ya!
Doug said...
Thanks for playing.
It’s an old article, but some poor woman happened upon it and found the need to comment. I found the need to argue with her using made up facts and lies. She took the bait and our conversation is as follows:
Anonymous said...
I'm not sure why the attack on plumbers, or any other business owner. My husband is a plumber and we are both Christians. No, his logo doesn't have a fish, but a "Knight" with a small cross on the sheild, representing the armour of faith. Most wouldn't even know the reason for the logo but it's what was chosen to represent HIMSELF, not to scam for business. As Christians, we are told by Jesus that if we don't publicly profess Him to others then He will not profess us to our Heavenly Father. Again, it's just something we choose to do, like others that choose to wear an "I'm with stupid" tee shirt or wear their pants down to their knees. It has nothing to do with using religion to gain business favors. If you have good service, you don't need it anyway, do you? Give the guys a break!!
Doug said...
See mam, that's the problem. If you do have good service, you don't need to trick people in by using a false God symbol. (No where in the Bible is the Shield with a cross on it mentioned, heathen.) If you husband provided good service, he wouldn't need it.
But I tracked down you husband's business and the Better Business Bureau had a few things to say:
1. over charging
2. shoddy craftsmanship
3. kicked a dog at owner's house
4. sleeping on the job
5. huge butt crack reveal
Mam, your husband should have three Jesus fishes and eight shields with a cross, a Jewish star and stack of Quran in his ads just to make sure you get all the business you can.
Good day friend!
Anonymous said...
While the Bible doesn't directly mention a "shield with a cross on it," the 6th chapter of Ephesians mentions putting on the whole armor of God, and one piece of this armor is faith, represented by a shield. Of course, this is symbolic, and so is the empty cross in Christianity. Makes sense to me, since the anonymous poster said earlier that the reason that emblem is used in her husbands logo is to represent the armor of faith.
Doug said...
NO! In the Latin translation of the Bible (I assume you are using the Americanized version) it says in Ephesians 6-12 "Thou shall make of thy SOUL armor of thy Lord." This does not mean a physical logo that you slap on a so-so Plumber's ad in the yellow pages.
You are defiling the Lord with your Pegan symbol. If Jesus were here, he would kick over your yellow pages ad in the Temple along with the tables of doves.
You sicken me.
Anonymous said...
Why in the world are you using the Latin Vulgate as your source when the original letter to the Ephesians was written in Greek...? Most Protestant Christian churches disregard the Latin Vulgate as canon.
The original Greek letter places these two words adjacent to each other: thyreos, which can be translated as a reference to a shield, and pistis, which references "faith."
The verse in question is also Ephesians 6:16, not Ephesians 6:12, or for that matter, 6:11 which sounds more like what you were referring to.
I'm sorry I sicken you. And I sincerely apologize for whatever harm any person has done to you to make you feel a personal vendetta against Christians. But you need to understand that not all Christians are the same, and generalizing Christians does nothing to help any situation. It only makes everything worse, just as Christians generalizing Atheists makes everything worse.
I understand that not all Atheists are snobby condescending Christian hating people who are trying to "extinguish" the world of religion. I hope you understand that not all Christians are Bible-beating fundamentalists who are out to further their own agenda and shove their beliefs down our throats.
Doug said...
Wow, you couldn't be more incorrect. You should check the Hermosis Guanta Codex for help with translation. Most scholars agree to the pistis meaning faith, but thyreos is a derivation of thyrscis, which loosely means a large separation of body or "A big shit." I think basically what they are trying to say is that anyone who would profess their faith along with an advertisement for their work buries their faith in excrement. You should study your bible history. This is an outrage.
Anonymous said...
Lol that was actually pretty funny. But seeing as you're just messing with me now, there's no need to continue. See ya!
Doug said...
Thanks for playing.
Jesus opens a cleaning business
I got this business card from my classmate Jamey:
Which leads me to ask:
If Jesus is your boss and you call off fake sick, will he forgive you?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal cleaner?
If you go into the dirty bathroom and say, "It smells like someone died in here," would Jesus turn to you and say, "Sorry, that's me."
Which leads me to ask:
If Jesus is your boss and you call off fake sick, will he forgive you?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal cleaner?
If you go into the dirty bathroom and say, "It smells like someone died in here," would Jesus turn to you and say, "Sorry, that's me."
Yellow Pages and the Jesus Fish
If you are like me, you avoid companies that use the Jesus Fish to advertise. It seems very hypocritical. 
Didn’t Jesus go nuts and beat the shit out of the money changers for exactly the same thing? Do these advertisers think that Christians are blind and will choose a plumber with a fish over a plumber with a one hour guarantee?
I decided to do some research in the Columbus yellow pages to see what I could find.
Plumbers Love Jesus
I don't know why, but plumbers use the Jesus Fish more than any other advertiser. Here are a few plumbing examples:
Fisting Jesus Lover- This guy is putting out multiple messages here:
These plumbers love Jesus so much, they have integrated him into their logos.
This guy has gone completely overboard.
This home inspector may love the Lord Jesus Christ, but it seems like Jesus Fish is chasing the guy. (The guy also looks pretty fem):
I had to include this photo because it freaks me out. There are certain rules about putting your photo in the yellow pages and this lady has broken at least six of them.
I am confused by these fishes.
This fish says "Since 1974." Does that mean that before 1974 they were Pagans? Or is this more Bible math that squeezes our history down into 5,000 years?
Stop Jesus? Stop using Jesus in advertising? I don't get it.
Where's the fish?
I was concerned because there were several places that I did not see Jesus Fish where I thought I should:
Carpenters
Come on. Jesus was a carpenter.
Churches
Gee Whiz! I thought there would be a Jesus Fish in every advert. But none. Zip. Seems that churches don’t feel the need to prostitute Jesus out to get their customers. (Well, at least not in the yellow pages.)
Sushi
There was not Jesus symbol here, so I added my own.
There's just no reason for an aquarium place to use the Jesus Fish. That's just over the top.
I’m not saying I agree, but this extermination company seems to advertise that they get rid of most common pests.
Didn’t Jesus go nuts and beat the shit out of the money changers for exactly the same thing? Do these advertisers think that Christians are blind and will choose a plumber with a fish over a plumber with a one hour guarantee?I decided to do some research in the Columbus yellow pages to see what I could find.
Plumbers Love Jesus
I don't know why, but plumbers use the Jesus Fish more than any other advertiser. Here are a few plumbing examples:
Fisting Jesus Lover- This guy is putting out multiple messages here:
These plumbers love Jesus so much, they have integrated him into their logos.
This guy has gone completely overboard.
This home inspector may love the Lord Jesus Christ, but it seems like Jesus Fish is chasing the guy. (The guy also looks pretty fem):
I had to include this photo because it freaks me out. There are certain rules about putting your photo in the yellow pages and this lady has broken at least six of them.
I am confused by these fishes.
This fish says "Since 1974." Does that mean that before 1974 they were Pagans? Or is this more Bible math that squeezes our history down into 5,000 years?
Stop Jesus? Stop using Jesus in advertising? I don't get it.
Where's the fish?
I was concerned because there were several places that I did not see Jesus Fish where I thought I should:
Carpenters
Come on. Jesus was a carpenter.
Churches
Gee Whiz! I thought there would be a Jesus Fish in every advert. But none. Zip. Seems that churches don’t feel the need to prostitute Jesus out to get their customers. (Well, at least not in the yellow pages.)
Sushi
There was not Jesus symbol here, so I added my own.
There's just no reason for an aquarium place to use the Jesus Fish. That's just over the top.
I’m not saying I agree, but this extermination company seems to advertise that they get rid of most common pests.
Top 10 Jobs for 2009
Obama Shrine Fabricator
Article Writer About How Shitty the Economy Is and Will Be
Forecloser
“Coldplay Stole My Song” Songwriter
Coldplay Lawyer
Purse Thief and/or Retiring Bank Executive
Stocks into Origami Artist
Palin for Prez2010 2012 T-shirt Maker
Bleeding Tears Jesus Statue Sculptor
SNL Critic
Article Writer About How Shitty the Economy Is and Will Be
Forecloser
“Coldplay Stole My Song” Songwriter
Coldplay Lawyer
Purse Thief and/or Retiring Bank Executive
Stocks into Origami Artist
Palin for Prez
Bleeding Tears Jesus Statue Sculptor
SNL Critic
Heart of Stone
Anne and I used to resort to simplistic means of dealing with project management stress and anger through various hand symbols with taglines. My favorite is “COMMIT.” (Create two fists and bump them knuckles together twice in front of your chest. Commit is used when you have a decision to make and decide to do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing.) The one I am using today is “HEART OF STONE.” (Create one fist and place it thumb first on your heart. Heart of Stone is used when you remove emotion from the equation and continue moving forward. Make a stone of your heart.)
I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.
Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”
And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.
I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.
Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”
And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.
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