I am not the Biggest Loser

A few months ago, I started a diet. It was right before the holidays and I debated for a day or two about the merits of waiting to start the diet after turkey and potatoes and Captain Morgans and pie and pie and pie. And from somewhere in the black abyss of my soul a small speck of light flittered forth and wedged itself into my brain folds. It spoke to me and said, "Right now is the hardest time to start. If you start now, you are bound to succeed." Because this was a good idea, my brain immediately smothered it. But it was too late... I started my diet in late November. I was 228 pounds.

After two weeks, I dropped about seven pounds. My boss Erik couldn't help but notice and I would often catch his eyes lingering on my increasingly svelte form. It was at this time that Erik and I began our own personal Biggest Loser competition. With a $4.78 scale and a gentleman's bet, we began the competition with a finish date of tax day, April 15th, 2008.

Stephanie made us a poster to keep track of our weight.


These are the actual before photos.



After a broken scale and Erik having to learn basic math skills to calculate percentage of weight lost, the competition is over...



Erik wins with a total weight loss of 25 pounds or a 12.76% loss.

I came in second with a total weight loss of 17.2 pounds or a 7.78% loss. Even when you add in the weight I loss before this competition began, he still won!

I didn't have a chance.

Congratulations Erik!

Bat Boy Erik

Gay Erik?

How can my hair make someone else look so completely gay?

Twins?

People seemed to think that Erik and I dressed alike on Wednesday.


What do you think?

Gummy Choco of taste which smile contains withdrawn

We went to the Chinese Buffet today and ate and ate and ate. Afterwards, we went next door to the Asian Market to buy another product to test on our hero, Erik.

This week's find: Gummy Choco!

Somehow, Muscat worked it's way into the title. Muscat is either a type of grape or a rare form of deer droppings.

Upon opening the canister, we see what seems to be large rabbit droppings or small deer droppings.


Here are some deer droppings for comparison purposes:


Erik seems very interested at this point and uses a combination of yoga and yodeling to restrain his gag reflex.

Erik then fills his gaping maw with the seemingly chocolate lumps.


Let's take a moment to examine the interior of the Gummy Chocos.


Well well well. A sneaky, triple layered combination of tasty chocolate and mystery creme... The internet provided a detailed description of the interior components.

Sadly, only one ingredient showed any possibility of poisoning our hero:


Erik managed to choke down 32 - 33 of the yummy chunks of deer like feces before reverse swallowing them into a garbage container unit.


Great job Erik!

Next Week: Spicy, Sweet Ovary Lollipop

Every Burger: Yum of delicious taste testing

We head out once a month to the local Chinese buffet for lunch. Right next door to the buffet is a conveniently located Chinese grocery store that sells stuff like wax berries, dried ginger and Every Burger. Today, we will test the Every Burger on the unsuspecting Erik, who was unable to make it to lunch.

Every Burger Box (front)

This looks harmless… and it looks like whatever is in there, there are two of them.

Every Burger Box (back)

Looks like we have been tricked as this is a product of Japan. Oh well. The first two ingredients are flour and sugar, we believe our hero is safe. But wait? What's this?


Rapeseed Oil? Gross. Good thing it is only mildly toxic to humans.

Upon opening the box we find two foil sealed packets and some kind of warning on the flap.


I had my good friend Arata Isozaki translate the text on the flap.


Opening the foil reveals… eight, cute little burgers!


This photo illustrates the smallness of the burger and the largeness of the hair on Erik’s arm which migrated down from his scalp.


Erik eats the burger and to his delight…

IT’S DELICIOUS!

They taste like Kit-Kats with a slightly gritty, but inoffensive, texture.

Thanks Erik! And thank you to the Mid-Ohio Poison Control and Stomach Pumping Facility.

NEXT WEEK: Taint Berries

Overcome by Emotion

Erik and Dave could not help themselves yesterday during the Ohio State win over Michigan. When the game was in the bag, they took the opportunity to let their overflow of emotions come to the surface in a physical show of their mutual love of football and each other.

Rock Star Parking vs Movie Star Parking

Let’s say you are driving out to a restaurant and as you prepare to circle the block 18 times looking for a parking spot, a space appears right in front of the restaurant. What kind of parking do you call that? My friend Erik calls it Rock Star Parking. I call it Movie Star parking. Who is right?

I am biased, but I will try to be fair.

Erik is wrong. I am right. It's called Movie Star Parking

Rock Star Parking implies that because Rock Stars are famous/popular that a spot in front of a destination will be reserved for them. Or that they are so important that people will make room for them. Or perhaps they are so special that the parking god (I believe her name is Vera) just makes a spot magically appear.

The flaw in Erik’s logic is that Rock Stars don’t drive themselves. They have their driver or an entourage that drop them off at the front door. Even more likely, Rock Stars are dropped of at back doors to avoid the types of people that might save them a parking spot in front.

I refer to good parking as Movie Star Parking because no one in the movies ever parks more than ten steps away from an entrance. A space always is open. There usually isn’t a meter. They don’t even need to parallel park as there are three open spaces so they can glide in. Sometimes the scene in the movie just cuts to them getting out of an already parked car.

It’s Movie Star parking. An open space in front of a destination. I’m right. Erik’s wrong. I'm sure you all can agree to that.