Erik Eats: That of Which Mulch is Made with of Drink Tea and Soy

This week’s Erik Eats segment involves the consumption of a vegetarian product that is purported to replicate one of the greatest meat products of all time. Can Cha Do stand up to the challenge and can it satisfy Erik’s craving for beef jerky?

Here is the bag of Cha Do, Veggie Jerky. Made by the Companion Company.


The Companion Company was very brave to create a clear front so that we could look inside and see the mulchiness that calls the bag interior its home.

Let’s check out the packaging:


What’s this? Cha Do is a Tea Time Snack? This setting won’t do. Let’s take this party up a social notch.


Much better! Let's continue the packaging inspection.

Hot and Spicy! Just like Erik.


And it’s PREMIUM QUALITY!

On the back, I find that the bar code has been covered over by a bar code sticker.

The bar code underneath came from a lawn and garden company. I assume that is where they got their mulch based soy.

There was a very nice message on the back from the manufacturer and some Chinese letters underneath.


Let’s get Arata Isozaki to translate this mess:


Well… let’s not tell Erik this. Next! Into the package!



JUST OPEN THE FUCKING THING!!!!!


Here’s a close up of the product.


Very mulchy.

And stringy.

Erik eats…





He likes it! He says it compares NOTHING to beef jerky, but that it is tasty and very edible.

We also found this in the pack.


The blue packet must be delicious so we give it to Josh to eat.



On the way to the emergency room, Josh said it was crunchy and delicious.

Next week: Potted Plant of which grows from the back orifice of Erik

Erik Eats: Salt Peach Slice - Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence

This week’s selection for Erik Eats seems to be a very natural, if not organic, one.


At first I thought this was dried fish, which also hang on the rack by the register, but fortunately, a small sticker on the front of the pack read “Salt Peach Slice.”


And I love a peach. And I love the salt. And my favorite cut is the slice. A win win win situation!

Usually I spend hours thinking of the title for the Erik Eats segments. The combination of the words is not a simple five second random flip through the dictionary. Careful planning goes into every word for maximum Engish potential. But this week, the title came right off the package, “Green Ecology Limitless Magnificence.”


I’m not sure what that translates into Chinese, but I bet any boy trying to get to third base drops that line. And then he gets himself a little snack of the salted peach!!

Now before we get into the Limitless Magnificence that is the salt peach, let’s take a look at the packaging. There seem to be a lot of words on here. Probably because this is some kind of fresh fruit peach product and it is inspected nine times before it is hand dipped in lead and sent to the states. What’s this in the bottom left hand corner?


!! Tell me if I’m mistaken, but is that a man pulling a deer from that bull’s ass? Oh my God, one of the deer legs has broken off in the bull’s sphincter!! Dear lord! Oh Christ put it down! Just kill it!

All right, with the dead, fecal coated, fetal deer out of the way, let’s move on to the seal of freshness.


Two seals of freshness!! Wow. Double fresh salt peach. This is going to be DELICIOUS!!

Erik cannot stop staring at the recently still born, poop covered deer on the packaging.


Let’s move on without him. We'll flip this package over and see if there are any special instructions:


Whoa… I don’t like this…


A red phone with a number also in red? Usually a red phone gets Batman on the horn. Or launches nukes. Or contacts Poison Control. But I’m sure this is the Salt Peach quality control line. If we find anything wrong with the low level of PCBs, we can call and get more to sprinkle on top.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “How am I supposed to enjoy these Salt Peach?” or “In what manner shall the consumption of Salt Peach take place?” Well, I can’t help you with those two questions, but if your question was, “Using Method?” I’d say:


Use directly, my friend. Use directly. Below that you’ll also notice the suggestion of, “Keeping in cool…” I think we all can live with that prospect. I believe that Obama will start using that in his campaign.

Now, to the area we’ve completely avoided… the ingredients. I assume that Salt Peach Slice has two ingredients: Salt Peach and Slice. Or maybe Peach Slice and salt. A quick look at the ingredients reveals:


Fresh Carambola? Obviously that MUST mean peaches in Chinese because I would HATE to think that I got screwed over buying this product clearly marked “Salt Peach Slice.” So therefore I’m going to put this out of my head and continue the ingredients. Sugar – good. Salt – they got that one spot on. AH HA! What’s this little bit they tried to sneak in and cover with the “MADE IN CHINA” sticker? Liquor? Erik’s gonna have a tasty peach snack and a buzz it seems. Let’s scratch off the industrial strength adhesive that holds on this sticker and see what lies beneath.


Crap. Let’s peel back some more and maybe there will be heroin.


Nope. Oh well. College try and all!

Now, this Fresh Carambola has got my curiosity up in a tizzy. So I went to the local library, found the encyclopedias, found the one marked “C”, and looked up “Carambola.” The passage said, “carambola – see Wikipedia.” So I came back to the office and looked it up on the internet expecting to see a lovely peach and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!


Star fruit? You tried to pass off second rate star fruit as peach? Here’s a peach in its natural environment:


Surrounded in thick syrup, that’s how Americans eat their peaches. It’s this kind of trickery that got us tangled up in WW2 my friends!! Don’t pull this shit on me. I’d call the number on the package to complain, but I am afraid of launching nukes.

So finally, here is Erik opening the package:


And a tentative sniff:


And the reveal:


So, here’s what one of these NON-PEACH star fruit look like close up.


Inspecting the fruit that of which is not peach:


The taste and chew sequence:




Bleh… no real flavor to speak of. Bland. Un peach.

Here is Steph for the second opinion:


Blech... right in the trash.

Overall, I feel cheated. I loved you Salt Peach! I will find you! Someday, Erik and you will be together!!

Next week: Deer Hoof of Bull's Loin

Fungus of crunchy tongue with delicious turning of flavor

After last week’s maggot cookie debacle, we were able to track down a product that combined fungal mystery with chocolate dippery. This week’s Erik Eats product is…


???
Dang. It’s got no name that we can decipher. Plan B is to flip the box over and check out the English Product Information sticker that covers over the actual ingredients with shit the FDA would approve:


Wheat Cracker? Oh well… not as fun as Every Burger, but it will have to do. Erik contemplated the packaging and remembers that last week I screwed him over an made him eat turd cookies.


He forges ahead...


Erik opens the box to reveal a single package.


Oh! The lid has a diagram with some writing.

Let’s contact our close friend and translator, Arata Isozaki.Here is what it says:


Nice!

Erik tears into the package with savageness and love.


Wow! The cookie looks just like the illustrations on the outside of the package said it would!


Let’s find out how truthful the packaging really is. Here’s the box with a mushroom cookie.


Now Erik deftly cuts into one of the cookies.


A closer look!


Wow! An exact match! Unbelievable! I almost feel bad about making up the bra removal stuff!

Let’s get on to the tasting.


Yes?


Go on!


It delicious! Sweet. A little salty. A very crunchy!

Great job Erik! Next week: Fecal Butter Chunks