Miss Sally and I decided to get rid of our WOW! Internet Provider land line. The phone had not been working for about a week and neither of us noticed. When I figured out what was wrong and plugged it in correctly, we only had one message from seven days previous. The only thing I use it for is to call my cell phone when I’ve lost it.
Since we were giving up the land line, we started checking prices with other companies. AT&T and RoadRunner have been flooding our mailbox with offers. What we decided was that I would play hardball with WOW! and get our monthly fee lowered. Everyone knows that the service providers bend over to keep you on board, so I thought it would be a simple game of chicken where I would say, “I want out” and they would say, “Are you sure” and I would say, “Yes” and they would weep and the supervisor would come one the phone and BEG for me to get cable, internet and phone for $99/month. Suckers!
I called WOW! and spoke with a very polite dude. We exchanged my account information. Then I told him I wanted to cancel my service. He said, are you canceling or switching? I said we were switching to AT&T. Polite Dude was very concerned because he did not want us to lose our phone number. He entered in his system that AT&T would be our next service provider and they would handle handing it off. I passed the first test. He was checking to see if I was serious and I was.
Next Polite Dude went to the next part of his script and asked me when I would like to cancel. Right now? Tomorrow? I did not hesitate! I thought this was the point where he would start begging and he threw me a curve ball. I lied and said that our new service was starting at the end of the month so I would want to cancel then. Polite Dude suggested a few dates and times for our equipment to be collected and I picked one.
I had passed the second test! Now was about the time when Polite Dude would get to the part of the script where he talks me into staying with WOW!. Questions about pricing and service. How WOW! could do one better. How I was a Valued Customer.
Instead he thanks me for the call and that the service dude would be at my house to pick up the modem and cable box and that I should call back if there were any issues. WOW! would transfer the number to AT&T when the time came.
I said thanks and good-bye and paused. I waited for the, "Just one second, valued customer!", but Polite Dude said bye and hung up.
There was no groveling. No bending over. No supervisor. Amazing.
So, I went to the AT&T U-verse website and signed up for Cable and Internet in about ten minutes.
U-Verse is about $50 a month cheaper without the phone with a $250 cash back bonus and 2nd receiver. Now I need to go around and change all my WOW! contact e-mails to my Gmail account. A pain in the ass, but worth the savings.
So in the end, we both won and we both lost. But neither of us flinched, and that’s what really matters. Nice job WOW!. I’m ticked you didn’t roll over, but I commend you for that!
Jerks.
{Author's note: You must check out the follow up story: http://www.holyjuan.com/2009/08/wow-really-likes-its-customers.html}
Douchebag
I was in Lancaster this weekend to catch up with some friends. We went to a bar that a high school friend owns. While we were hanging out at the bar, a group of kids came in. I assumed that they were of age, because I can't tell anymore.
One of the dudes was a complete douchbag. How do I know this? For one, he looked like a douchebag... askew hat, stupid necklace, ironic shirt, fucking rich kid. Secondly, he acted like a douchbag... mistreating the bartender, running into people, aloof to the point of nausea.
Sadly, I wanted to punch the guy in the mouth.
Well, I must not have been the only one, because about twenty minutes later, there was a ruckus in the back of the bar and an employee yelled, "Call the cops!"
Word worked its way to the front of the bar that someone had got punched in the mouth. I said, "It was probably the douchebag." And it was. His friends started walking him out of the bar, but he went back to the back.
Cops showed up and went to the back of the bar. We assume they interviewed some people and low and behold, they came walking to the front of the bar with the douchebag. They weren't forcing him to move, but were telling him to get a move on outside. He was stalling and saying that he didn't want to leave. The cops had enough and dragged his ass out. The cuffed him and placed him in the cop car.
Cop came back in to show the bartender his fake ID. She said the front was a very good forgery, but that the bartender should look at the back of the license for some other telltale marks.
In the end, I felt bad for the kid... just kidding. We laughed our asses off.
One of the dudes was a complete douchbag. How do I know this? For one, he looked like a douchebag... askew hat, stupid necklace, ironic shirt, fucking rich kid. Secondly, he acted like a douchbag... mistreating the bartender, running into people, aloof to the point of nausea.
Sadly, I wanted to punch the guy in the mouth.
Well, I must not have been the only one, because about twenty minutes later, there was a ruckus in the back of the bar and an employee yelled, "Call the cops!"
Word worked its way to the front of the bar that someone had got punched in the mouth. I said, "It was probably the douchebag." And it was. His friends started walking him out of the bar, but he went back to the back.
Cops showed up and went to the back of the bar. We assume they interviewed some people and low and behold, they came walking to the front of the bar with the douchebag. They weren't forcing him to move, but were telling him to get a move on outside. He was stalling and saying that he didn't want to leave. The cops had enough and dragged his ass out. The cuffed him and placed him in the cop car.
Cop came back in to show the bartender his fake ID. She said the front was a very good forgery, but that the bartender should look at the back of the license for some other telltale marks.
In the end, I felt bad for the kid... just kidding. We laughed our asses off.
Guest writer Chris: What Joe Did
{Author's note: In a first for HolyJuan.com, I'd like to present, guest writer, Chris.}
In early June, Joe vacationed for a week near Clearwater Florida, which is 45 minutes from where Karen and I live. We scheduled an evening for him to stop by our place for dinner while he was here. A few days before his vacation I received a call from Joe “warning” me that he was traveling with a “female friend” and they were purely friends and he did not want to hear any crap from me or Karen.
I agreed and followed my commitment to Joe during his visit. But now his vacation is over. The following are the top observations of Joe and Suzanne that prove they are more than just friends.
11) Joe pulled me aside and asked to borrow my mix tape; “that really good one from college with ‘Lady in Red’ and ‘Tender Love’”, he said.
10) When I asked Joe if he listened to Fugazi anymore, he had this incredulous look and then stated, “Fugazi?”, as if it was so absurd to suggest he ever listened to them.
9) He and Suzanne kept talking about how the Broadway version of “Mama Mia” was so much better than the movie version.
8) When I saw him drinking Corona, I expressed surprise at that, and he said “You know, I always drank Corona in high school and college.”
7) He kept doing ring-around-the-rosie with my kids, and always was looking at Suzanne out of the corners of his eye to see if she was watching. My kids finally pushed him aside and ran to get away.
6) He and Suzanne began to show my kids how to do “patty cake” with their hands. 5 minutes later, my kids walked away as Joe and Suzanne kept doing patty caking without giving my kids 1 second of their attention.
5) When we started talking about how great “Seinfeld” was, he kept telling us how Elaine was his favorite character.
4) When I asked if his mom did anything dumb lately, he said sternly to me, “No! I love my mother.”
3) When we all went for a walk by the woods by my house, he and Suzanne kept stopping simultaneously to do the Macarena for 10 seconds, and then laughed out loud for 10 more seconds after do it. It wasn’t cute or funny the first time.
2) Joe and Suzanne had a 15 minute conversation regarding how they love oyster crackers in their soup.
1) He kept asking us if we wanted to play board games.
{If you would like to guest write for HolyJuan.com.... forget it.}
{Author's Note: After cutting and pasting this, I went to iTunes and downloaded Chris de Burgh's ‘Lady in Red’ and Force MD's ‘Tender Love’. Really.}
In early June, Joe vacationed for a week near Clearwater Florida, which is 45 minutes from where Karen and I live. We scheduled an evening for him to stop by our place for dinner while he was here. A few days before his vacation I received a call from Joe “warning” me that he was traveling with a “female friend” and they were purely friends and he did not want to hear any crap from me or Karen.
I agreed and followed my commitment to Joe during his visit. But now his vacation is over. The following are the top observations of Joe and Suzanne that prove they are more than just friends.
11) Joe pulled me aside and asked to borrow my mix tape; “that really good one from college with ‘Lady in Red’ and ‘Tender Love’”, he said.
10) When I asked Joe if he listened to Fugazi anymore, he had this incredulous look and then stated, “Fugazi?”, as if it was so absurd to suggest he ever listened to them.
9) He and Suzanne kept talking about how the Broadway version of “Mama Mia” was so much better than the movie version.
8) When I saw him drinking Corona, I expressed surprise at that, and he said “You know, I always drank Corona in high school and college.”
7) He kept doing ring-around-the-rosie with my kids, and always was looking at Suzanne out of the corners of his eye to see if she was watching. My kids finally pushed him aside and ran to get away.
6) He and Suzanne began to show my kids how to do “patty cake” with their hands. 5 minutes later, my kids walked away as Joe and Suzanne kept doing patty caking without giving my kids 1 second of their attention.
5) When we started talking about how great “Seinfeld” was, he kept telling us how Elaine was his favorite character.
4) When I asked if his mom did anything dumb lately, he said sternly to me, “No! I love my mother.”
3) When we all went for a walk by the woods by my house, he and Suzanne kept stopping simultaneously to do the Macarena for 10 seconds, and then laughed out loud for 10 more seconds after do it. It wasn’t cute or funny the first time.
2) Joe and Suzanne had a 15 minute conversation regarding how they love oyster crackers in their soup.
1) He kept asking us if we wanted to play board games.
{If you would like to guest write for HolyJuan.com.... forget it.}
{Author's Note: After cutting and pasting this, I went to iTunes and downloaded Chris de Burgh's ‘Lady in Red’ and Force MD's ‘Tender Love’. Really.}
Stinkin' Redhead
I was cleaning off my desktop when I ran across this. Some redhead blogger ran a contest to make up a 300 words or less story about how she broke her ankle. The winner would get a blahblahblah gig iTouch. I entered. I didn't even make it into the top seven that she picked to be voted on. Here is my story:
Redhead knew that handing over her car keys was a mistake, but the guy in the bar with the crappy goatee wouldn’t shut up and he said it was a magic trick that she would never forget. She dug the keyring out of her black purse; the streamlined sexy one that barely held her keys, cash and lipstick.
He stood up on his stool, held the keys up, said, “Ladies and Ladies!” and in a drunken lurch, spun around and bent over. He mostly stood, half bent over for an uncomfortable minute and then stood and spun with a “Ta-Da!”
The keys dangled from his nobody’s business that, half heartedly, poked out from his open zipper. Not just dangled… that son of a bitch had the keyring shoved down his dick.
“Take it off!”
“Come get it!” he shook his feeble groin at her.
In one very coordinated move, Redhead swung her purse forward, up and cockward. Her aim was true. Goatee fell backwards, clutching his keyrung goods, and landed on the bar floor.
“Give them to me!”
“Here…” he croaked.
“Give them.”
“They are stuck! Oh my God… It’s swelling up!”
Everything was… an awful blue.
An hour later, against doctor’s orders, Redhead stood by goatee dude, insisting that she would not leave that scumbag’s side without her keys. Lubricants had failed to release the keys and in the end, pliers were called for and sterilized.
The doctor leveraged and applied force. He snipped. Simultaneously, Goatee let out a desperate howl and a gob of man goo shot out from his pent up loins.
Redhead reached forward and grabbed the lubed up keys with a pre-gloved hand.
“Fuck you.”
She turned to walk out and promptly slipped in his load on the floor, breaking her ankle in three places.
Yeah, it sucks. But it beats out the other drivel. I'd give you her website to compare, but I don't want to give her any traffic. Yeah, I'm a sore loser. Fuck you.
Redhead knew that handing over her car keys was a mistake, but the guy in the bar with the crappy goatee wouldn’t shut up and he said it was a magic trick that she would never forget. She dug the keyring out of her black purse; the streamlined sexy one that barely held her keys, cash and lipstick.
He stood up on his stool, held the keys up, said, “Ladies and Ladies!” and in a drunken lurch, spun around and bent over. He mostly stood, half bent over for an uncomfortable minute and then stood and spun with a “Ta-Da!”
The keys dangled from his nobody’s business that, half heartedly, poked out from his open zipper. Not just dangled… that son of a bitch had the keyring shoved down his dick.
“Take it off!”
“Come get it!” he shook his feeble groin at her.
In one very coordinated move, Redhead swung her purse forward, up and cockward. Her aim was true. Goatee fell backwards, clutching his keyrung goods, and landed on the bar floor.
“Give them to me!”
“Here…” he croaked.
“Give them.”
“They are stuck! Oh my God… It’s swelling up!”
Everything was… an awful blue.
An hour later, against doctor’s orders, Redhead stood by goatee dude, insisting that she would not leave that scumbag’s side without her keys. Lubricants had failed to release the keys and in the end, pliers were called for and sterilized.
The doctor leveraged and applied force. He snipped. Simultaneously, Goatee let out a desperate howl and a gob of man goo shot out from his pent up loins.
Redhead reached forward and grabbed the lubed up keys with a pre-gloved hand.
“Fuck you.”
She turned to walk out and promptly slipped in his load on the floor, breaking her ankle in three places.
Yeah, it sucks. But it beats out the other drivel. I'd give you her website to compare, but I don't want to give her any traffic. Yeah, I'm a sore loser. Fuck you.
Ask HolyJuan: What Shall I Take in My Suitcase?
Dear HolyJuan,
What shall i take in my suitcase? I have been thinking about this for a while and was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject.
Please help.
Thanks.
Warmest Regards,
Larry
Dear Larry,
Who uses a suitcase these days? Are you 100 years old? Is it a steamer or a trunk?
I suggest you throw that suitcase out and use a trash bag. Trash bags are better than suitcases for several reasons.
1. Price = free
They already have trash bags at the airport in the bottoms of the trash cans. This allows you to pack at the airport while waiting for your flight instead of doing it at home. I suggest a double bagging so that people will think that you have money to blow on trash bags.
2. Flexibility
When asked if your bag fits into the bag size detector at the airport, you can cram your trashbag into the device, with clothes and toiletries oozing into ever crack and crevice, ensuring that your beanbag sized bag will make it as carry-on.
3. Speed
When you have a trashbag thrown over your shoulder, the TSA attendants at security assumes you work at the airport and will let you right through to the front of the line. When the metal detector goes off, just say, “Dustpan.”
4. Odor Protection
Stinky clothes or cheese from the Duty Free shop? Buy odor protection bags for your trip back. I suggest the twitsty-tie so that you can get into and out of your bag multiple times when you need a snack or to smell again if your clothes really stink. Man, I love my own stink.
5. Security
If you leave your bag on the floor, no one will pick it up. No one will report it as a bomb. No one will look inside to steal your shit. Even the cleaning people won't touch it because the union forbids them from EVER touching anything outside the trash bins. The only people you need to concern yourself with are the people, like me, who are looking to throw their stuff in a trash bag. When I see you at the airport, I’ll give you a thumbs-up.
So, Larry, toss that suitcase. When you look at a trash bag from now on, I want you to say, “This is My Suitcase.”
Love and respectfully,
HolyJuan
What shall i take in my suitcase? I have been thinking about this for a while and was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject.
Please help.
Thanks.
Warmest Regards,
Larry
Dear Larry,
Who uses a suitcase these days? Are you 100 years old? Is it a steamer or a trunk?
I suggest you throw that suitcase out and use a trash bag. Trash bags are better than suitcases for several reasons.
1. Price = free
They already have trash bags at the airport in the bottoms of the trash cans. This allows you to pack at the airport while waiting for your flight instead of doing it at home. I suggest a double bagging so that people will think that you have money to blow on trash bags.
2. Flexibility
When asked if your bag fits into the bag size detector at the airport, you can cram your trashbag into the device, with clothes and toiletries oozing into ever crack and crevice, ensuring that your beanbag sized bag will make it as carry-on.
3. Speed
When you have a trashbag thrown over your shoulder, the TSA attendants at security assumes you work at the airport and will let you right through to the front of the line. When the metal detector goes off, just say, “Dustpan.”
4. Odor Protection
Stinky clothes or cheese from the Duty Free shop? Buy odor protection bags for your trip back. I suggest the twitsty-tie so that you can get into and out of your bag multiple times when you need a snack or to smell again if your clothes really stink. Man, I love my own stink.
5. Security
If you leave your bag on the floor, no one will pick it up. No one will report it as a bomb. No one will look inside to steal your shit. Even the cleaning people won't touch it because the union forbids them from EVER touching anything outside the trash bins. The only people you need to concern yourself with are the people, like me, who are looking to throw their stuff in a trash bag. When I see you at the airport, I’ll give you a thumbs-up.
So, Larry, toss that suitcase. When you look at a trash bag from now on, I want you to say, “This is My Suitcase.”
Love and respectfully,
HolyJuan
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