Showing posts with label top 10. Show all posts
Showing posts with label top 10. Show all posts

Father's Day Gift Tips


What NOT TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Soap on a Rope (unless he’s in jail)
2. The DNA test (let’s just keep that between Mom and the Fed-Ex guy)
3. Anything with the word “soy” in it.
4. Used scaffolding
5. Beer in amounts more than 39 ounces
6. Rocking chair
7. Old Spice
8. Elvis anything
9. Chalk or anything that is written on with chalk
10. Lie detector

What TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Carbide
2. Link to website on how to delete internet history/cookies.
3. A tie (it’s back in this year)
4. Bacon, 10 pounds (raw or cooked)
5. Anything that starts with Nintendo, has Station in the middle or ends with Box.
6. Salted anything
7. Bribe money
8. Boxed wine
9. Dashboard hula girl
10. “How to Pass a Lie Detector Test” book/pamphlet

Crap that Shouldn’t Be Happening at a Wedding Reception

I was going to call this Top Ten Wedding Reception Pet Peeves, but I can’t stand people that have pet peeves. Instead, here is a list of ten items that you should take note of and try to avoid when planning a wedding reception. I apologize for making fun of you if you have already had your wedding reception and did one of these items.

Long Time Between the Service and Reception
I understand that you really wanted your service at Church X and that you couldn't have your reception anywhere but Place Y and that Photographer Z could only do the group shots after the wedding and to coordinate all those desires you have a three hour gap between the wedding and the reception. I know that you’ll be busy in that time, but I have absolutely nothing to do except to sit in a bar and drink. Now all of a sudden you got a reception full of people that have been angrily drinking for three hours. I know you think the wedding is for you, but it’s really about your guests. For your next marriage (cause there’s no way that anyone who planned that bullshit will ever keep a spouse) have both the wedding and the reception at the bingo hall. (Of course, there were two months between my wedding and the reception. Guilty as charged.)

Get “The Business” Done
Once you realized that the wedding and reception should be back to back, you also need to understand that I only came because you are a second cousin and I have some things which may or may not be better than this to do. In your planning, make sure you cram all that traditional crap all together in the first 30 minutes of the reception so that I can leave and not look like a big jerk. I expect the Best Man / Chick of Honor speech to run right into the cake cutting and as you are wiping the cake off your face you should be having your first dance/dance with dad and then throw the bouquet. Then everyone can drink uninterrupted or leave as they see fit. Don’t be a prima donna and stretch out all the fluff and have everything perfectly staged and managed. Get in, get it done, get out.

Not Enough Bartenders
I am a big fan of open bar, but I understand that your friends are alcoholics and that a cash bar helps to slow them down. What I can’t stand is when a wedding of 200 has one bar with two bartenders. If I am stuck in line with an empty glass, that means that I’ll also be stuck talking with one of your spouse’s relatives. You don’t want me to talk to your spouse’s relatives because I might let the mountain goat story slide out and I don’t think the statute of limitations is up on that one, pal. A reception should have a minimum of two bartenders with one bartender for every 50 people. And while I think a cash bar is fine for wine and liquor, pony up the cash for a keg or two so that your poor friends that could only afford to get you a box of Tide can have something to drink.

The DJ
Don’t trust your buddy with an iPod and two speakers to DJ your wedding. Hire a real DJ. But during your interview, make sure you tell them that 4/5th of their payment will be held back until after the event and possibly forfeited if they break any of the following rules:
#1 No Macarena
#2 Only ONE line dance
#3 Stick to the genres of music that will be provided to you before the event. Don’t stray.
#4 NO FUCKING CONGA LINE
#5 The DJ is allowed to give their phone number out to one pre-approved guest.
#6 No props.
#7 If I see a disco ball or a single multicolor rotating light, you will be beaten with a rental folding chair. Either come with a 35K lighting show or don’t bring anything.
#8 You get one drink when the wedding is ¾ done. You can drink any of the leftovers when the reception is over.
#9 Do you really need an assistant? You are hitting NEXT on an iPod for fucks sake.
#10 And most of all… don’t give color commentary on anything that any one is doing. You are to speak only when announcing events as they happen. Don’t tell us what song you are going to play next. Don’t tell us how lovely the bride looks. Don’t mention that Aunt Eleanor is really shaking it with that new hip. Just keep hitting play and you’ll get your check.

Release the Tables
If you are too cheap to have servers bring the dry chicken and salty asparagus to your guests, you might decide to have a buffet. That’s fine because your guests aren’t really worth the extra $7,500. But if you do have a buffet, don’t leave it up to your guests to decide when they should stand up to go stand in line. Release the tables by number or have a couple of family members do it for you. Just don’t pretend like your starving guests can regulate the line. Someone is going to ditch Aunt Elenaor and she has been pretty feisty since she got that hip replaced. I once attended a wedding where the father of the bride walked into a room with over 250+ people in it and said, “The buffet line is open,” and left. 250+ people looked at each other for six seconds and then stood up in unison to head towards the food. Miss Sally and I walked the fuck out.

Invite Guests at the Last Minute
Don’t invite last minute guests that you meet through the wedding process. It’s bad enough you have to invite the padre and the photographer. At a wedding recently, one of the guests asked about two of the scantily clad guests who were spending a lot of time grinding on relatives and each other. The reply was that the two girls were the strippers from the bachelor party and the groom took such a liking to them that he invited them to the wedding. TRUE STORY.

Cake Smash
Don’t smash the cake in each other’s faces. And if you do, plan it out ahead of time so you both do it to each other in some fun way that will make it to YouTube so that you can generate some ad revenue and pay for the third and fourth bartender.

Dancing
This one has to do more with a combination of the DJ and the guests, but I clearly blame the guests for this one. Receptions must be successful. Even if the bride and groom do everything as instructed above, the reception can fail if you, the guest, don’t dance. Don’t make the bride pull you off your chair and on to the dance floor. Suck it up for one night and dance. If you see the floor is empty, tell your pals to get off their asses and at least sway out on the dance floor. This is the one opportunity for the DJ to use his “Line Dance” card. Make sure he doesn’t blow it in the first ten minutes of the reception. Come on… just dance. You saw Footloose, Willard… you know how to dance.

The “Kill You” Speech
I didn’t think this one was real, but I have witnessed it at three (yes, three) weddings. At some point during the Best Man speech, someone, either a family member or close female friend, will profess their family/friend love of the bride and then say something along the lines of, “…and if you ever hurt her, I (we) will hunt you down and kill you.” Are you fucking kidding me? You might be saying it in jest, but it makes you sound A) creepy and B) creepy. Just tell them how happy you are for them and sit down. And really, if you feel the need to say this, look at your own meaningless, empty life and try to figure out why you feel the need to say such things. There is still hope for you. Maybe.

Complainers
You are familiar with this list and understand that some people make mistakes in the planning of their receptions. Now keep it to yourself, asshole. There is a time and a place to complain about a reception and that is the day after. Don’t bitch about the DJ or the bartenders or how long shit is taking during the reception. You are a guest and you should act like one. Get off you ass and dance. Stand in the bar line and chat it up with Uncle Chris. Laugh at the DJs commentary about how the Bride and Groom will be (insert sexual innuendo here) later. No one is perfect. Especially the guy who had his reception in a bingo hall, with no DJ except for a crappy CD player, had volunteer bartenders, and will never ever ever be allowed to help plan with his wedding reception again. Even though now I’ve got to throw a second one to make up for the first.

Ten Reasons Why I am a Better Parent Than You

1. Our kids do not have and will never have access to television in their rooms

2. Our kids do not have and will never have access to video games in their rooms at bedtime.

3. Our kids are only allowed to drink beers from local breweries and not corporate, factory beers.

4. We eat dinner as a family.

5. Our children were taught at an early age how to clean their needles and how to rotate their hidden injection sites to prevent collapsed veins.

6. We require the kids help with house work and yard work for an hour a day.

7. The kids memorize the way out the back of restaurants or out restroom windows for a successful dine and dash.

8. The children are trained to know which cars are expensive and thus more profitable with which to fake an accident on their bike.

9. The kids switch nightly helping with the preparation of dinner.

10. Manners are required at all times. “May I be excused,” and “Please hand over the wallet.”

Top Ten Worst Diets Ever

They say dieting is good, but not if you are on one of the following diets. I'm no doctor, but I can tell you that this list is most definitely the top ten worst diets ever.

The Cardboard and Butter Diet

This is an extremely high fiber, high saturated fat diet. The butter helps the cardboard to go down. Helpful hint: buy an extra plunger.

Tapeworm Diet
With this diet, you ingest one pill which contains a tapeworm. Over time, you lose weight. And energy. When you are at the desired weight, take a second pill which, hopefully, kills the tapeworm.

Deserted Island Diet
With this diet, you only eat foods you would find on a deserted diet: sand, shell fish, seaweed and driftwood. It works for the people on Survivor... why not you?

Salt Diet
Eat anything and everything you want, as long as it is salt. Try Salt Pancakes or Salt Soup or Crunchy Sea Salt Nuggets with Salt Sauce. In a few days, if you can still see the scale, you'll notice significant weight loss.

U-Z Diet

In this diet, you only eat foods that begin with the letters U and Z. Watch the weight disappear after eating Ziti glazed with Ugli Fruit and unleavened bread with sliced zucchini every day for a week.

Sprinting Diet
With this diet, you can only eat while doing wind sprints. As soon as you stop running, you must stop eating. NOTE: Thanksgiving stinks on this diet and gravy can cause 2nd degree burns.

Boxing Glove Diet


This diet is easy: you can eat anything you want as long as you are wearing boxing gloves. Just try and open the fridge or drive to the fast food restaurant. Corn on the cob is really tough. Pudding is not so bad if you have a big vat of it.

Burnt Diet

This is another of the "eat anything you want" diets. All you have to do is burn the food item until it is charred black, though and through. I do this already with most my cooking.

Backyard Diet

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they also make for a great diet. Eat only what you find in your yard. Gardens do not count, but weeds do. If you live in an apartment, go out to eat at the park. No digging through the trash cans.

Overeat Diet

This diet is akin to catching your child smoking a cigar and locking them in a closet until they smoke a whole box. With the Overeat Diet, you attempt to stuff yourself with fatty and high calorie foods to make yourself sick of eating. Do this for eight or nine weeks straight and weight loss will be inevitable when you can't move to feed yourself.

Top 10 Jobs for 2009

Obama Shrine Fabricator

Article Writer About How Shitty the Economy Is and Will Be

Forecloser

“Coldplay Stole My Song” Songwriter

Coldplay Lawyer

Purse Thief and/or Retiring Bank Executive

Stocks into Origami Artist

Palin for Prez 2010 2012 T-shirt Maker

Bleeding Tears Jesus Statue Sculptor

SNL Critic

HolyJuan at Skreened.com

I know that 50% of my fans (one of you) have been asking me about HolyJuan apparel. Until recently, the only clothing you could buy was a pair of boxers with the stain that roughly looked like toast.

Now, BEHOLD! You can find HolyJuan t-shirts at skreened.com. They are a Columbus t-shirt company and I hope to sell one shirt in the next six months.

So far I only have one design.


Let me know if you want something personalized. Jesus cartoon shirts are sure to be next.

Buy me.