HolyJuan: Mike Huckabee

Huckabee knows something that mathematicians and most everyone else does not. In a surprising announcement this morning on MSNBC, Mike Huckabee stated that even though it is mathematically improbable for him to win the Republican nomination, he is going to continue on campaigning because “something could happen to John McCain” between now and the Republican National Convention. What is that something? McCain could drop the F bomb or call Obama a pineapple chucker. But what we all know he means is that McCain could have a stroke or drop dead any minute.

And how would Huckabee get this information? God told him.

In Huckabee’s twice daily (and three times on the Sabbath) conversations with God, he probably asks God if he should continue his campaigning. What do you think God is saying to Huck? A smart God would tell Huckabee to drop out so that he doesn’t make McCain look un-Conservative. He’d probably mention that miracles are for wine, loaves and fishes and not for elections. But that’s not what Huckabee is hearing. Huckabee hears, “Go the distance,” and inevitably, “If you build it, McCain will have a stroke.”

Now, my belief is that McCain has a better chance of saying “fuck” than dropping dead. He’s a tough s.o.b. no matter what Chuck Norris says. But… if you know God is on your side, anything is possible.

So if in some offhand chance, McCain does bite it before the Republican National Convention and Huckabee wins the nomination… what next? I assume that if God will take the time to off McCain, he would also want Huck to win the general election as well. Now that would take a miracle… unless Obama has a stroke too. Then Hillary would come down with prostate cancer and so on and so on until there’s no one left to run against him.

And if all that happens, you can bet for sure that I’m going to repent, vote for Huckabee and convert to whatever religion he tells me to in the 28th Amendment. Hallelujah Huckabee!!