Soda Jerk

Remember how f'ing hot this last summer was?  And do remember that one time I was a dick to you and you wanted to get me back?  These two unrelated statements came together a number of months ago. I had been leaving my car windows down because of the heat.  I went out to my car one afternoon and as I sat in the driver's seat, something seemed... odd. I then realized that the steering wheel was sticky. And so was the dash. And the seat.  Someone had, on purpose or accidentally, thrown a cup of pop in my car. It was brown and sticky. It fucking pissed me off.

Someone thought it was pretty funny to coat the inside of my car with pop or maybe they were carrying a soda pop when all of a sudden they were attacked by a mountain lion and their only chance to survive was to ditch their Coke and run like the dickens.

For about two days I would get in my car in the morning and be reminded of the prank. (Yeah, I kept forgetting to clean it out.) I'd think about it on my way to work... if it was an accident, the person would have told be about it. If it was a joke, they were just sitting back and waiting for the right moment to ask me about my sticky mess and they would have a good laugh. So I waited for an answer.

And on the third day I got my answer.

I needed to throw some crap in my back seat when I saw this:


There are two Coke cans. The one without the lid blown off is from Puerto Rico. Keegan brought it back to show me the smaller can and that their Coke contains less salt and more (real) sugar. The one with the blown off top is an American Coke can with more salt and less sugar.  I was going to do a post on HolyJuan about how American Coke is salty so you drink more.

The heat caused the can to expand and blow the top off, which happened to shoot right between the driver and passenger seats and all over the dash and steering wheel.

In the end, my co-workers were not assholes. There was no mountain lion. And I never did that post on HolyJuan about the salt levels of American Coke vs Puerto Rico Coke. Unless you count this one.

I need some scientists to tell me if the additional salt in American Coke would cause it to expand more and thus blow off the top. Or maybe the can was engineered differently.  I'll call this the Coke Challenge. Get to work scientists!

Dear Ray


Dear Ray,

First off, I know you are not reading this. I think we would both agree that this time we have on Earth is one shot only and there’s not much after that. I guess I am writing this more for others to read. But it feels good to pretend. You can’t fault me for that.

We had your celebration of life last night. It was a blast. First off, open bar. That was unexpected and completely awesome. Thanks for the Guinness! And the second. And so on.

I came right at 6:00pm because didn’t want to miss a thing.  When I showed up, the place was seemingly full already. There were a cluster of people at the bottom of the stairs. Keri was there handing out the programs. An impromptu welcome line had formed around Cindy, Keegan and Zoe.

People continued to pour in. Friends from old COSI, friends from new COSI, work friends, neighbors, family… so many people. You were very popular.

We all drank. We all lamented at how bravely you fought and how quickly you left. We laughed. We told stories. Just like you wanted.

You would be happy to know that at one point in the night, I was telling a story and Shorty found it funny enough to guffaw a mouthful of beer on my shirt. 

Keri did a great job at helping to produce the event. She held it together where I would have fallen apart.

And then the bag pipe player began upstairs. Not quietly because that’s not how those things work. He came down the stairs and I could not help but cry. It was perfect.  He came through the room and into the small stage where the microphone was set up. He was pretty damn tall. I assume you paid extra for that.

Keri started off the speeches.  Joe followed up and made us all very introspective. Ron spoke of your love for the Marx brothers. Adelaide did not realize how funny her story about you fixing her luggage carrier was going to be. Zoe was overcome with emotion, but came back later to tell us about how you helped her to overcome her fears. Keegan spoke well and is his father’s son.  Others came up to tell their stories. I told the food poisoning one. They were funny. They were poignant. We laughed and we cried. We all really miss you.

Then at the end, the bag pipe player played you out.  He played Hector the Hero, just like you wanted.

And I know it sounds cheesy. But as he walked off through the room, the people moved out of the way. And then up the stairs. The music faded. And it was as if I could finally let go. Another chance to say goodbye. This time with happiness. Surround by the many many people whose lives were changed by you.

And now I realize that I’m not writing this for others. I’m writing it for me.

Thanks, Ray.





















































Family Photo at the Office

Everyone knows that the amount of love you feel for your family is based upon the size of their photo you have at your desk.

I win.

Photo by Erlina Kim photography.  36" x 24" on canvas.

For the Motorcycle Enthusiast

Do you have a motorcycle enthusiast on your Christmas list? Stumped as to what to get them?  Look no further!  Let them decorate their bike with Bikr Chix!


These dolls are easy to attach, but impossible to remove from your heart.

Get yours today!

Feed the Pets

This photo is from the past summer, but I'm starting to get my HolyJuan groove back so I'm digging thought the archives to see what I neglected to post.

We were our of town for a few days and had Sally's friend Carrie come over to feed the pets.  We left out instructions:


Velveeta’s Mix 08/2002



The thing about nicknames is that you usually do not get the opportunity to choose your own. Most the time, people do something stupid and then they are stuck with a nickname for life.  Nicknames like Car Trunk, Forrest Gump and Palmolive are nicknames that are hard to get rid of.

My nickname, to some, is Velveeta. While there are many reasons for this nickname, I like to think it is because Velveeta is the cheesiest. Either way, I like the nickname Velveeta and I’ve somehow been able to have people call me that instead of Dog Poop Hida.

About 10 years ago, my friend Anne (Chia) gave me a mix CD.  We had worked together for about four years and she was moving on to bigger and better things.  On her way out the door, she gave me a CD called Velveeta’s Mix.



It was an awesome CD.

Was?

Yeah, well, because I am an idiot, I lost the CD cover and eventually the CD was scratched to shit and unplayable in my CD player.



But I kept the CD because it meant a lot to me.

Fast forward to yesterday and Miss Sally requesting I burn a CD for her. As I was digging though the dust to find that stack of 100 cds that I bought right before thumb drives came out, I found Anne’s mix cd.

For shits and giggles, I put it in my computer and tried to rip it or at least listen to it skip and digitally static its way to the end.

It worked.

It’s a great mix and I thought I would share it with you:

Faces – Ooh La La
Stereo Total – C’est La Mort
U2 – Beautiful Day
Peter Gabriel – Love to be Loved
David Byrne-Dance On Vaseline (Thievery Corporation Remix)
The Smiths – Big Mouth Strikes Again
Arling & Cameron - Dirty Robot
U2 – Lemon
David Byrne – Flowers
Lucinda Williams – Lonely Girls
Ben and Jason – Romeo and Juliet are Drowning
Misty Dixon -  Beautiful Ones
David Byrne – The Great Intoxication
National Skyline - Some Will Say
Morrissey – Interesting Drug
Talking Heads – Once In a Lifetime
Talking Heads – This Must Be The Place

Thanks to my Droid 3 and the Shazam application for helping me find the songs I couldn't remember.

Because this is the internet, I can share these songs with you via a playlist on Grooveshark: Click here for Velveeta's Mix.



The REAL 13 Things Your Pizza Guy Won’t Tell You

I read an article on the 13 Things Your Pizza Guy Won't Tell You. They were pretty much bullshit. Here's a list of the REAL 13 things the pizza guy wont tell you:

1. The sauce really stings the open sore on his finger.

2. The cheese that misses the pizza and lands all over the place will make it back on top a pizza at some point in the night.

3. Pizza ain’t all he’s delivering.

4. The soap is still out in the employee bathroom.

5. If you do not tip him well, your next delivered three topping pizza will have four toppings.

6. He does wish you would come to the door topless.

7. The delivery guy is not en route and you are going to get the next thing that pops out of the oven.

8. It is hard to wipe a runny nose with the plastic gloves on, but he'll keep trying!

9. 30 minutes or less is a suggestion and not a goal

10. Long, scraggly hair is in. Hair nets are out.

11. Its hard to catch the flying disc of dough, but luckily the floor has enough flour on it to keep most of it from sticking.

12. Pizza guy is always very happy and he always seems to have red, bloodshot eyes.

13. You won’t believe some of the shit that will fit in the dough presser machine.