Bridge to Terabithia is a Sack of Ass

Miss Sally and I stayed in last night and watched “Bridge to Terabithia.”

*Please stop reading now. I’m not a reviewer and I am really not that intelligent. What I am about to say is going to be rantful and include a lot of swear words and it also might be unintelligible, even after editing. It will also include details and spoilers about the movie. If you plan to ever watch this debacle, stop reading now and check out some porn instead.*

What a fucking crock of horseshit. On at least three or four levels I am completely fucking pissed that Bridge to Terabithia was ever created. Damn you Mr. Director and your little buddies Mr. and Mr. Scriptwriter. Assholes.

Here are the basics:

-This movie was well reviewed and it takes a lot for a Fantasy movie to get good ratings.
-I’d seen the trailer for this film and it seemed very interesting. Again, Fantasy movies are usually pretty shitty.
-I want to have sex with Zooey Deschanel.
-I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for boy meets girl movies where there might be a Pit of Despair or similar.

That being said, I was tricked and deceived and screw you movie people.

First off, this “Fantasy” movie has about seven minutes of fantasy in it. There’s a mutated squirrel, a bunch of metal bugs and a troll. Oh! I forgot to mention the Shadow Lord who wisps in and out with a jingle of keys. Not once, except at the very, very end of the movie does the plot slip into a 100% fantasy world and by that point I was so pissed that I didn’t care. I think the credits actually start rolling over top the world. In the classic fantasy flick The Neverending Story, there was a small amount of time spent in the “real” world and a great amount of time spent in the “fantasy” world. “Bridge” is the exact OPPOSITE. I wouldn’t be so pissed except that the trailer for the film is 75% fantasy. As a matter of fact, if you watch the trailer, you’ve seen every bit of fantasy in the film.

THEY KILL OFF THE GIRL. Oh my god the just make her disappear. The cheapest shot in the movie business. (OK, this is based on the book, but you are allowed to change the story.) What really sucked was I was still waiting for the full immersion into the fantasy world when she winds up dead in the stream. What a load of crap. There was some incredible opportunity for her character to be “missing” and for him to fight his own demons to find her in the world. She could have been in a coma and he could have brought her back from the other side. But no. She’s dead. I was sad for half a second and then I was just angry. Assholes. Killing someone off is at the top of the list of BS movie tricks next to a writer not being able to figure out what their characters should say so they whisper it and the audience cannot hear it. (see Lost in Translation.)

But as I said, they make the girl lead character disappear. Really disappear. She is never in the movie again except for a fleeting moment at her wake where a flash of light shoots across the screen. The boy can’t find her in the fantasy world. They don’t even hint that it was her that laid the logs across the river. And in the end of the movie when we are finally shown the fantasy world, she is no where to be found. What a steamy heap of bullshit. There was some terrific opportunity for the audience to leave with a little bit of respect, but they just forgot about the audience in the eight million dollar CGI film ending with credits.

Zooey Deschanel does not get naked.

On top of all that, all the adult characters are unbelievable. Not a problem in most fantasy movies where you only see them for a minute. In this film, we have to watch them for ninety minutes. Uncaring mom. A farmer who doesn’t have anything more than a greenhouse. Two writer parents who were torn straight from Cliché Monthly Magazine. Bullies who only understand violence.

This film had a lot of opportunities to be inventive and outstanding. The two lead actors worked well before they killed 50% of them off. The “fantasy” world had so many possibilities. I love to see bullies get their comeuppance in clever ways and this movie failed at that as well. So many failings. So many fucking failings. Assholes. Breaking my heart for nothing.

I’m going to go watch Big Fish and cry like a little girl.

4 comments:

Ca\/0r+1cu$ said...

I concur.

Michele said...

I really hate it when they do that to you in the beginning of the movie, just wrecks the rest of it for you. You spend the rest of your time so pissed off you can't even pretend to enjoy the film.

I've never seen the movie, now I know my instincts were right!

Seriously, you liked Big Fish?

Doug said...

Like Big Fish? It's in my top ten!

Also see this post.

http://www.holyjuan.com/2007/03/10-movies-that-make-manly-man-cry.html

Yeah, I'm pretty gay too.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, i was looking for a romance/fantasy movie, and got suggested with this bullcrap: i liked the protagonists in the beginning, they were promising, and i was hoping that they actually managed to get to another parallel world and fight their own shit, while eventually falling in love, but all they did was having flashes and other weird hallucinations all over the place.

Ok, let's leave it at that, but what the fuck with Leslie dying? Seriously now, it's 1h i wait for them to acknowledge each other, and they make her die? Screw you, really, and for the remaining time i only hoped that it was a bullshit that she died, i hoped that the boy would have found a way to bring her back, but no, funeral, kid crying, kid getting over it and bringing his fucking mentally delayed sister to the fucking bridge, built with pieces of shitted wood. Fuck you, you ruined my evening.

+1 at the main post.