My friend Stephanie likes to send me e-mails to remind me that I, as a male, am a simpleton and should just listen without provocation to what any woman says. Here is the list she sent me:
Phrases Women Use
Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!
Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
I would follow that list up with the following:
Phrases Women Don't Use
Yes you can: Women will never say this. Ever. Unless the man asks if he can give her a foot massage or shove his head up his own ass.
No thanks, one scoop is enough: Obvious. Works with most portions like slice, bowl or dozen.
I don’t understand: Women will instead say, “I understand” even if they don’t just so they don’t look like they are stupid. When the thing they don’t understand catches on fire, then they ask for help by screaming.
Would you like to have sex again?: More obvious
I like your friends: You won’t hear this unless she is hooking up with one of them.
I’ll buy: You might hear this one, but she really doesn’t mean it. Get out your wallet, champ.
I'll change the tire: It's not that they don't know how to, it's just that their jeans are so low that if they bend over they might misplace the tire iron down their crack. What they don’t realize is that just by bending over on the side of the road, 8 – 10 cars, Harleys and semis will stop and ask if she needs help.
This makes my ass look big: You might think you have heard this one before, but as a question in the form of "DOES this make my ass look big." Your response to either was probably the same and you are still not going to get any action.
Can my friend join in?: You'll never hear this one. Unless the friend is a dude and your role is to hold the camera.