Bathroom Trickery

I poop. Sometimes at work. Sometimes it is pretty stinky.

My office is in a building where other guys use the bathroom too. Enough so that every other time I use the bathroom, there is a good chance that someone is going to be in there when I walk in or come in right as I am walking out. Our bathroom only has one pisser and one shitter so it is pretty close quarters in there.

Every guy in the building knows that there are other stinky poopy other in the building. When you find one, you mention it to your other guy buddies. They usually have a story about the stinky guy.

I do not want to be known as the stinky guy.

Sometimes after a night out with Shorty and a quick stop at White Castle, I am the stinky guy the next day. To combat this, I have a simple regiment.

If I walk in and someone is at the pisser, I act as if I am going into the stall just to pee. When they leave, I let loose and get the hell out. Chances are no one will be coming in as I am leaving. The next guy that walks in gets a surprise and can only place the blame on who he and his buddies think the stinky guy is.

If I walk in and the bathroom is empty, I try to get in and get out. If someone starts walking it, I move my feet as far as possible to the side so that they cannot see my shoes. Shoes are the dead giveaway. You’ll be walking down the hall and see a guy with brown loafers with the dangly things on them and realize he was the stinky guy from last week. I wear converse so I’m easily spotted. Keep quiet. Keep shoes far to the side. Wait till they leave. Wait thirty seconds. Run!

Now, here’s the tricky one. If I walk in and no one is in there, I drop trough and listen for guys walking in. If I finish before anyone walks in, odds suggest that someone will be coming in any second. I stand up, walk to the urinal and fake pee for a few seconds. If someone walks in to the cloud of retch, I can act as if I am just an innocent pisser who walked into an all ready polluted bathroom. You share a half second of silent sorrow with the guy who walked in, wash up and leave. Let him take the blame.

If you are the stinky guy, don’t even try this. We all ready know who you are. Please continue to take the blame for us other schmucks and continue to wear those awful brown loafers.

(And to you women who claim this article doesn't apply to you, you are wrong. If you have to poop, poop in the men's bathroom. Problem solved.)

7 comments:

Ricky said...

I gotta take a poo.

shelly said...

Doug,You always make me laugh! Smelly poop is exactly why I will never poop at work! Thanks for the giggle...

carpanza said...

Another good tactic is to make a ninja-like stealthy mission to another floor of the building. Always best to stank up someone elses house.

Mrs. K said...

You're hilarious! Had any mat shots lately? I would think those would cause a stink! And you think the men are bad! Women are right up there, if not surpassing you stinky men. I've had to do a retreat from our office bathroom a couple times because one, I couldn't stand the stench and two, I didn't want to risk being blamed for it!

wangmont said...

I have heard that the women's restrooms are often worse than the men's. Can you believe the things we do with their asses despite having that info, Juan?

it's the wienie said...

Just use one of the family restrooms. You can sprawl out as much as you want to in one of those palatial poop-houses. The door's locked, no one comes in. You can strip down to nothing and let it all hang out.

jali said...

My stomach hurts.