The Mostly All Inclusive Family Restroom Sign
My good friend, Stephanie, is a graphic designer and created this mostly all inclusive family restroom sign:
Things That Are Gone That I Miss
The older I get, the more things change and disappear. Some are my fault. Surprisingly most aren't. Here's a list of the things I am missing from my life.
Marathon Bars
Marathon was this great candy bar. It was braided caramel with chocolate
covering it. It was very chewy. The commercials for it were of a cowboy
having a chew out with another candy bar cowboy. The longest lasting candy bar was declared
the winner. Marathon cowboy always won.
Communication that you can control
When I was a kid, we had two telephones. One upstairs and
one in the basement. The basement phone was the one I used to talk to girlfriends.
Now our house has no phone, but my kid has access to internet chat, Facetime,
in game chat and someday he'll have a headset to talk to strangers. When we had one line, my parents had a good
excuse to kick me off the phone because if the house caught fire they would
need an open line. Now, I need to make
stupid excuses as to why he needs to get off the device. Usually the excuse is,
“Because I said so.”
Stick shift
I love stick shift. It gives you something to do while
driving and keeps you focused on the road. With automatic, I’ve become a
drone. We are a two car family and my
wife is not interested in driving stick, so both our cars are automatic. I don't blame her. Just need to get a job where I make enough to
buy a third car.
Swedish Fish
I'm on a diet. Swedish fish are not part of that diet. I
miss you Swedish fish.
John
John and I are best friends.
But we both got married and I've got kids and he's got work and
somewhere in the middle, we stopped hanging out. We talk every few weeks. Both of us committing that well try to get
together. Both of us failing. I did call him, out of the blue, with a situation
that didn’t need immediate attention, but he gave it attention. We’ll get our
acts back together.
Four hour hangovers
I used to be able to go out until 2am, sleep until 8am and
be fine by noon. Now, I go home at
midnight, get up at 8am and am miserable for 48 hours. If I go out on a
Thursday night to Ladies’ 80s, I am starting to feel like myself again on my
Monday drive into work.
Not drinking
At some point in my life, I didn't drink. From 0 - 19, I assume I did other things that
kept be busy. Now it seems that I can’t go an evening without a glass of wine.
I’d quit, but then I’d miss drinking instead of missing not drinking. I’ll take the latter.
HolyJuan
I don't write enough anymore. Obviously I'm trying to change that.
Being ahead of the technological curve
I knew Windows XP front and back. Now I can't figure out how
to defrag a drive or figure out the problems my operating system is politely
explaining to me. I can’t stand tablets. I need a nice keyboard to be able to
write. I assume my phone can make bacon,
but I’ll never know. I’m already looking out in the yard to see if there are
any kids to yell at.
Zima
Screw you. It was crisp and delicious and a nice, portable
alternative to beer. The photo below is from my sister. When she heard Zima was going out of production, she bought her local store out. She called me the day she drank the last one and we both cried.
Lock Up the Site
A few weeks ago, we were at an installation on an active construction site. We had planned on staying long past when many of the construction workers would be done and we requested permission to stay late. The job foreman was adamant that we ensure all doors were shut and that the main gate was locked behind us as security was very important.
So when we left for the night, we used the lock to secure the gate. This is a standard construction site lock.
So when we left for the night, we used the lock to secure the gate. This is a standard construction site lock.
Decisions, decisions.
This is our men's bathroom at work. Guys will understand what a difficult decision this is.
Lobdo, the Lonely LooLoo Bird
(Author's Note: Stop reading now. This is an incredibly depressing story that is both heartbreaking and irreverent. I warned you.)
Lobdo is a LooLoo Bird. You’ve probably never heard of the
LooLoo Bird because they don’t exist anymore.
But Lobdo did exist. He ate worms. He bathed in streams. He sang the
LooLoo song which goes, “Loo Loo,” which is how the birds got their name. And
Lobdo fell in love.
Lobdo fell in love with another LooLoo bird named Chido.
When LooLoos fall in love, they fall in love for life. Fortunately for Lobdo,
Chido loved him too. They ate worms
together. They bathed in streams together. They sang the LooLoo song together.
And they started a family together. Four
little LooLoos filled their nest. And they were happy.
One day, a very powerful feeling came over Lobdo and Chido.
Stronger than the feeling to fly south when it started to get cold. Stronger
than the urge to build a nest. The strongest urge ever.
So together they left the nest with the four little LooLoos
behind. They flew east.
They found the source of the calling. It was a big boat.
There were many animals going towards the boat. Two of every kind.
Together Lobdo and Chido found a spot to rest on the boat.
Luckily it was a dry spot because soon it began to rain. Lobdo and Chido huddled together. They tried
not to think of the four baby LooLoos in the nest.
For a very long time it rained.
There was little to eat. Some of the birds were able to eat
at the dead bodies floating in the water, but LooLoos don’t like dead meat. The
two worms on the ark were safely hidden in the very bottom deck with all the
other trillions of insects.
The rain stopped, which many took as good news, but no rain
meant no more fresh water.
They endured.
After a very very long time, Noah sent out a bird to look
for dry land. It never came back. Mrs. Raven was upset, but not completely.
Ravens are kind of assholes.
Then Noah sent out a dove. The dove returned with a branch
of a tree. Noah took this as a sign of good luck that the waters were
receeding. Lobdo asked the dove about
this and the dove said that actually he had found the branch floating in the
water, but he didn’t want to disappoint Noah.
Finally the waters did recede and everyone was happy. Well,
the LooLoos were unhappy about their drowned children, but that was all in the
past because Chido’s belly was full of new eggs ready to be put into a nest.
When the ark did finally stop, all the animals exited the
boat. Noah gathered them all around an alter so they could give thanks to God
for saving the chosen few. And Chido went to Noah along with some other
animals. Lobdo just wanted to fly off and build that nest, but Chido must have
had a reason for flying to Noah.
And the reason turned out to be that Noah needed to
sacrifice a few of the animals so that God could be properly thanked. Noah sacrificed the Yullow Mouse, the
Dreemara Beetle, a Unicorn and Chido, the LooLoo bird.
The animals all dispersed, especially the Koalas and Kangaroos who has to swim all the way to Australia.
And Lobdo also flew off.
Lobdo spent his time eating worms (he had to wait until the
reproduced so that he wouldn’t make them extinct,) bathing in the streams
(though most were filled with rubble, trees and the corpses) but he didn’t feel
much like singing.
Lobdo, the LooLoo, was a lonely bird.
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