My son is studying for his Ohio 3rd Grade Achievement Assessment test. He brought home this practice test and I'm confused. Take a look:
Basically, the test is asking which number will most likely come up next and gives three choices. My kid chose the sucker's bet, the one Vegas hopes you choose. The number with the least amount of roll HAS to come up next... right?
The correct answer is that the die is weighted and that the number six is more likely to come up.
Either way, this is wrong.
I think perhaps this is actually testing the parents to see who brings it up to the teacher's attention.
The Mountain
There are three ways to climb The Mountain at night: The Baby Bear
Path, The Momma Bear Path and the Papa Bear Path.
The Baby Bear Path is a sucker’s bet. It is the main path up the mountain. It’s
wide. You can see it in the moon light. There isn’t much to trip you up besides
the gullies that form from erosion. Problem is you have to park in the lot or
down near the front of the park and cops tend to radio in your license plate
when they drive through the park. Don’t
take The Baby Bear Path.
The Papa Bear Path is not recommended. It’s barely a rabbit trail. It goes close to
the edge of the mountain. I assume there is poison ivy. Avoid.
The Mama Bear Path is our path. Park your car on Mt. Pleasant Avenue. Not close to the mountain, but maybe a block
back. Sometime two or three cars have to park.
It’s best not to wait for everyone on the street. Once you park, head towards the mountain and
look for the reflection of headlights. Make
sure you know where you are going to attack the side of the hill. There are several spot to scramble up this
hill. Shit, there’s even a set of concrete stairs that are older than you and I
put together. Find your spot. Commit. Wait for the silence and darkness. Run. Scramble.
You made it. If there
are others, wait. It’s best to walk in a
line together. Watch as they wait to cross the street. See if they picked a bad place to climb where
a tree has fallen and they have to climb over.
I assume the Mama Bear Path is pretty straightforward in the
daylight. In the dark you have to make assumptions and guesses. That path has been there for years and the
trees have decided to give the path a wide berth so you aim away from
trees. The weeds grow up to the path,
but not over it. There are many roots,
walk by lifting your feet up high.
Listen for the leader to give instructions. “Watch the roots.” “Fallen tree.” “Where’s
Russ?”
The Mama Bear Path used to pass by a rotting tree. The tree succumb to time and wet and gravity.
But for a while, the rotting tree was host to a glowing fungus. We stop and
look for the fungus. Sometimes it was hard to see and other nights… other
nights it almost cast shadows it was so bright. We would touch it, but no one thought
to damage it.
The Mama Bear Path intersected the Baby Bear Path about half
way up The Mountain where it took at 90 degree turn. At this point, anyone at the bottom of the
path looking up would not be able to see you.
From this vantage point, you can look up the rest of the
path and see a clear space through the trees and into the night. Lancaster puts out a good bit of light at
night, but not enough to block out the stars. Keep climbing.
At the top of The Mountain there is another 90 degree turn and
some concrete steps. There are metal handrails buried in the stone. Erosion has made most of them worthless. Keep
climbing, you are almost there.
The last few steps are covered by trees so it is a bit like
coming out of a tunnel. The warmer air
from the city below loses a battle with the sandstone face and is pushed up and
over the edge. It’s refreshing and cooling evaporating the sweat from the
climb. The air smells like Lancaster.
During Fairfield County Fair time it smells of Italian sausage, cotton
candy and horse.
At the top, the dudes
usually do The Ceremonial. Face away from the cliff edge, find a tree and
pee. Try not to pee where someone else
has recently performed The Ceremonial.
There’s an iron rail that helps to keep people that follow
rules back from the edge. Duck under the
rail and find a spot to sit. If there are beers, thank the person that carried
them up. Now is also a good time to have a cigarette if you are into such
things.
Conversation. Observations
about blinking lights in the distance or cops pulling cars over. Pretty soon,
an hour or two will have passed. The
beer will be gone and Kit will want something to eat.
Make your way back down. Careful, it’s steep. Make sure you
look for cars before you go sprinting down the hill and into the road.
Go to your car. Get something to eat and share more
conversation. Head home and go to bed.
Even though you’ve changed clothes and brushed your teeth,
you can still smell The Mountain.
The Mountain (Coming Soon)
My friend Terry reminded me today that there was a time in
my life when a close group of friends would climb Mt. Pleasant (Standing Stone
to some) in Lancaster, OH almost on a nightly basis during the summer. When we were
young, we’d climb because it was something to do after work. When we got older, we drag a 12 pack of beer
up with us. Now we climb only once a
year. But we still climb.
The Mountain holds a very dear place in my heart and for
years I thought that I would have the opportunity to write a book or a movie
about it. And so I’ve kept it from you. But I’ve had a change of heart.
Some Mountain stories are too personal to tell. Fortunately
for you, many are not.
I’ll start tonight.
Churches Running Out of Clever Sign Slogans
COLUMBUS, OH - The National League of Churches convened an emergency meeting this past Monday to discuss the scarcity of new, clever church sign messages. Head Writer and Deacon Paul Sims scratched at a sheet of paper attempting to resurrect some of his earlier gems, but to no avail.
“Ever since Pastor Virgil came up with ‘Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church,’ we haven’t come up with squat.”
Unbeknownst to local church goers, most of those clever signs aren’t original. “We have a network of sign writers and we rotate the clever messages on a weekly basis so that a parishioner is unlikely to see the same message twice. Your “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives” sign this week was the clever slogan last week in Glen’s Falls, NY.”
At the emergency meeting, writers from various churches and multiple denominations brainstormed to come up with a few slogans to get them through the next few weeks. Father Mike shared with me the sayings that floated to the top:
The NLC has reached out to Hollywood in an attempt to rejuvenate their creative pool. Deacon Paul Sims laughed, “Those Godless bastards are funny as hell! We got Leno’s people to do a three week, limited, front end crawl with an option for Lent. But we had to fire them when we found out they were all Jewish. And of course, that's not the only fire they'll have to worry about at the end of the day. Oh! That's a good one... I'm going to write that down!”
“Ever since Pastor Virgil came up with ‘Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church,’ we haven’t come up with squat.”
Unbeknownst to local church goers, most of those clever signs aren’t original. “We have a network of sign writers and we rotate the clever messages on a weekly basis so that a parishioner is unlikely to see the same message twice. Your “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives” sign this week was the clever slogan last week in Glen’s Falls, NY.”
At the emergency meeting, writers from various churches and multiple denominations brainstormed to come up with a few slogans to get them through the next few weeks. Father Mike shared with me the sayings that floated to the top:
- Put on your “O” face… your hOly face.
- Don't wait for Jesus to touch your life. Touch Him first.
- Not everyone gets a burning bush.
- Jesus could kick Chuck Norris’ ass (but please don’t say anything to Mr. Norris.)
- Come for the wine, stay for the guilt.
The NLC has reached out to Hollywood in an attempt to rejuvenate their creative pool. Deacon Paul Sims laughed, “Those Godless bastards are funny as hell! We got Leno’s people to do a three week, limited, front end crawl with an option for Lent. But we had to fire them when we found out they were all Jewish. And of course, that's not the only fire they'll have to worry about at the end of the day. Oh! That's a good one... I'm going to write that down!”
College Pranks
For a few quarters in college, Nick, Doug and I all lived in the same apartment together. When we first moved in, we drew straws to see what order we would pick rooms. Doug won. I got third and Nick got second. I was doomed to get the smallest room that was awkwardly shaped with the fuse box on the wall. Doug changed all that when he picked the worst room for himself. Nick picked second and got the best room and I got the second best room. Doug stood by his choice and I'll never know what he saw in that room.
It wasn't long until we started pulling pranks on each other. Nick had a waterbed. On one long weekend in the winter, Nick left for two days and so Doug and I (mostly me) left his window open, unplugged his waterbed heater and covered all his vents with towels. The hope was to get the waterbed to freeze. It didn't, but it took a while for it to get back to normal temperature.
Nick tried to get me back by crafting an complex "bucket over the door" device made of cardboard and four or five German beers he had brought from home. When Doug and I got back from a night of drinking, Nick tricked us into going into my bedroom. Doug walked in first and... nothing happened. Somewhere between the 3rd and 4th beer, Nick's engineering skills failed him. The bucket of water stayed in its cardboard nest.
A few weeks after the failed bucket of water gag, Nick took my mattress off my bed, put it in the shower, and re-made it. He did a damn good job tucking the sheets in and stuffing the pillow so that it would stick. Doug made it home before me and went into the bathroom. Even though you could not see the mattress through the shower curtain, you could sense its presence. Doug completely freaked out. I think he got the broom out and was poking at the shower curtain to see who was behind it.
This is when I decided to pull off The Grand Prank. A multi-level puzzle full of trickery. I had to wait for the perfect time and Nick gave it to me when he went home for the afternoon, but was coming back later that evening. Here’s what I did:
#1 Bring On the Noise
I took the looping tape out of our answering machine. Back in the day, phone answering machines had two cassette tapes in them; one normal tape for recording messages and one looping tape that was 30 seconds long. You would record your message on the 30 second tape and it would loop around to the beginning for the next call. The answering machine could detect when the tape looped and would stop it. A regular tape player would not recognize the cue and it would play the tape endlessly. I recorded my voice on the tape saying, “I got you this time, Nick. Ha ha ha ha. I got you this time, Nick Ha ha ha ha ha.” I put this tape in my bedroom and blasted it.
#2 Lock Down
My room was only slightly wider than my bed. So I angled the bed in front of the door just enough so that I could squeeze out. Then I used a metal coat hanger to pull the bed against the door to wedge the door shut. If you pushed against the door, it would only open about three inches wide and I had the tape player half way across the room and way out of reach.
#3 Plot Twist!
Nick was a smart guy, so once he realized he wouldn’t be able to get into my room, he would head straight to the fuse box. Our fuse box wasn’t labeled and here’s what I did… I put layer after layer of tape over a fuse. Then I took a wooden coat hanger and screwed it to the wall over the fuse. It would take a bit of doing to get that stuff off, especially after I hid the drill and tools. The item I failed to mention is that the fuse I covered was not the fuse to my room. Anyone opening that fuse box would assume it was the right fuse and take the time to uncover it.
#4 Lights Out
Finally on my way out, I removed ever single bulb in the house and hit them in the linen closet under the towels. (Yeah, we actually had extra towels.)
I left for the night, knowing I would be staying at Johnny Two-Sack’s place. In the morning I would come back to a very pissed off, but hopefully proud Nick.
When I rolled in the next afternoon, there was no Nick to be found, only one very angry Doug.
Nick hadn’t come home that night. But Doug had. Doug said he stood in the doorway for about five minutes trying to figure out what the hell was going on. None of the lights would work. Something was playing in my bedroom. After stumbling though the apartment, Doug tried to open my door and it wouldn’t budge. He reached his arm through the door and…
…turned off the light switch. The same light switch that also controlled the outlet that the tape player was plugged into. The player went off. Doug crawled into his dark room and went to bed.
So I had to clean up the mess. I wanted to leave everything the way it was, but I had to get the power back on to the living room (the actual fuse I had off,) replace all the lightbulbs and at some point I would need to get back in my bedroom.
Nick came home late on Sunday. He had decided to stay home all of Friday and play golf on Saturday.
He asked how the weekend went.
It was great.
The Lumberjack
It was Handsome Joe that invented The Lumberjack.
A few friends met at a bar that was at least two notches higher than my calling, but I went anyway. When I got there, everyone was drinking out of glasses with tall, thin stems. The kind of glass that forces you to stick your pinky in the air.
Handsome Joe had no glass in front of him. I asked why he wasn’t drinking. He said he was and the waitress would soon be returning with his drink. He said I should have what he was having… The Lumberjack. The Lumberjack? That sounds pretty damn manly. Would this drink be on fire? Or perhaps have an whole cactus in it? Maybe it came served in a hollowed out log with a pine cone floating in it.
The waitress returned and said, “Here’s your Lumberjack.” It was a martini glass filled with a pink liquid. That’s The Lumberjack? I asked the waitress what was in it. She said vodka (manly,) cranberry (not really manly) and Triple Sec (downright girly.) I said, “That sounds like a cosmopolitan.” Joe said, “It is a cosmopolitan. But if you call it The Lumberjack and you can convince the waitress to call it The Lumberjack, it sounds a lot manlier."
Here’s to The Lumberjack.
A few friends met at a bar that was at least two notches higher than my calling, but I went anyway. When I got there, everyone was drinking out of glasses with tall, thin stems. The kind of glass that forces you to stick your pinky in the air.
Handsome Joe had no glass in front of him. I asked why he wasn’t drinking. He said he was and the waitress would soon be returning with his drink. He said I should have what he was having… The Lumberjack. The Lumberjack? That sounds pretty damn manly. Would this drink be on fire? Or perhaps have an whole cactus in it? Maybe it came served in a hollowed out log with a pine cone floating in it.
The waitress returned and said, “Here’s your Lumberjack.” It was a martini glass filled with a pink liquid. That’s The Lumberjack? I asked the waitress what was in it. She said vodka (manly,) cranberry (not really manly) and Triple Sec (downright girly.) I said, “That sounds like a cosmopolitan.” Joe said, “It is a cosmopolitan. But if you call it The Lumberjack and you can convince the waitress to call it The Lumberjack, it sounds a lot manlier."
Here’s to The Lumberjack.
Local Man Discouraged his Ron Paul 2012 Sign Still Hasn't Been Stolen
Westerville OH (FD) – It has been almost two years to the day since John Laughlin of Westerville, Ohio defensively stuck his Ron Paul for President 2012 sign in his front yard. Since that time he has waited, sometimes inside and, more frequently, outside in the bushes next to his home, for the sign to be vandalized or stolen. For two years, no one has touched the sign.
Mr. Laughlin planned on having the first altercation with anti-Paulites within the first two weeks of putting the sign in his front yard. “At first I set up a web cam and some motion detectors. When I didn’t get a peep out of them, I assumed that the electronics were malfunctioning. Now I sit and wait between my two prized Juniper bushes.” Mr. Laughlin has moved the sign closer to the sidewalk and made sure the sign isn’t pushed too far into the dirt to aid any would-be-thieves in running off with the sign.
With the November elections around the corner, a heated battle for the GOP nomination has no sign of ending anytime soon. Already campaign signs are being vandalized and stolen and Laughlin doesn’t like it. “Ralph down the street had his Romney sign knocked over seven minutes after he stuck it in the dirt. Yeardley had two of his Santorum signs thrown in the street. These vandals don’t have a clue about real politics.”
Time is ticking for Mr. Laughlin, “I’ve only got a few months to get this sign stolen. After that, I’ve gotta put up a new sign for the next election.” While Mr. Laughlin doesn’t like the idea of having to buy a Ron Paul 2016 sign, he hasn’t completely given up home yet, “I’m actually considering stealing my own sign and then filing a report.”
Mr. Laughlin planned on having the first altercation with anti-Paulites within the first two weeks of putting the sign in his front yard. “At first I set up a web cam and some motion detectors. When I didn’t get a peep out of them, I assumed that the electronics were malfunctioning. Now I sit and wait between my two prized Juniper bushes.” Mr. Laughlin has moved the sign closer to the sidewalk and made sure the sign isn’t pushed too far into the dirt to aid any would-be-thieves in running off with the sign.
With the November elections around the corner, a heated battle for the GOP nomination has no sign of ending anytime soon. Already campaign signs are being vandalized and stolen and Laughlin doesn’t like it. “Ralph down the street had his Romney sign knocked over seven minutes after he stuck it in the dirt. Yeardley had two of his Santorum signs thrown in the street. These vandals don’t have a clue about real politics.”
Time is ticking for Mr. Laughlin, “I’ve only got a few months to get this sign stolen. After that, I’ve gotta put up a new sign for the next election.” While Mr. Laughlin doesn’t like the idea of having to buy a Ron Paul 2016 sign, he hasn’t completely given up home yet, “I’m actually considering stealing my own sign and then filing a report.”
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