condrariam
condrariam -n A word that Sarah Palin actually thinks is a real word and then when she finds out it isn't, makes up some excuse as to why it should be a word.
The “?!” and “!?” Matched Pairs Conundrum
I’m sure you know the uses of the question mark and exclamation point:
“Fuck me?”
“Fuck you!”
But what happens when you pair them? When should you pair them?
What happens when you pair “!” with “?”
The first thing that happens when you pair these two punctuation marks together is that your reader assumes your vocabulary is too limited to correctly transverbulate your feelings and that you need to fall back on punctuation to express your true thoughts.
The second thing that happens is that the reader will think that perhaps they are the idiot, that they missed something in the sentence, and they will go back and re-read your poorly written sentence only to find they were correct about the writer’s lack of transverbulation in the first place.
Lastly, your reader will attempt to figure out why your sentence ends with “?!” or “!?” and why you decided to use the combination you did. Which is why we’ll move on to the next bit…
When should you pair them?
When deciding between either “?!” and “!?” the first step is to not get mixed up with the chess playing punctuation definitions. Believe it or not, chess players utilize punctuation marks to express how devious or stupid moves are in a game. Wipe this shit out of your head because anyone who has time to punctuate chess moves obviously doesn’t have the time to read this kind of article. We don’t want to get mixed up with that element. Here are the definitions you should be concerned with:
“?!” – Loud question
Otherwise known as the ‘WTF?!”, this punctuation is necessary to harshly question someone else’s actions or previous statement with the expectation of an answer back. Some good examples are:
“Is that a herpes sore?!”
“When were you going to tell me you were married?!”
“How did you manage to spend $4,300 on your trip to Washington, DC?!”
“!?” – No Fucking Way
This is a strong disbelief in someone’s action or statement without the expectation of an answer:
“Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!?”
“You call that a penis!?”
“Gas is at $4.00 a gallon!?”
See how a statement changes now that you know the definitions:
“You are gay?!”
“You are gay!?”
Or:
“You are a sophomore in high school?!”
“You are a sophomore in high school!?”
“Fuck me?”
“Fuck you!”
But what happens when you pair them? When should you pair them?
What happens when you pair “!” with “?”
The first thing that happens when you pair these two punctuation marks together is that your reader assumes your vocabulary is too limited to correctly transverbulate your feelings and that you need to fall back on punctuation to express your true thoughts.
The second thing that happens is that the reader will think that perhaps they are the idiot, that they missed something in the sentence, and they will go back and re-read your poorly written sentence only to find they were correct about the writer’s lack of transverbulation in the first place.
Lastly, your reader will attempt to figure out why your sentence ends with “?!” or “!?” and why you decided to use the combination you did. Which is why we’ll move on to the next bit…
When should you pair them?
When deciding between either “?!” and “!?” the first step is to not get mixed up with the chess playing punctuation definitions. Believe it or not, chess players utilize punctuation marks to express how devious or stupid moves are in a game. Wipe this shit out of your head because anyone who has time to punctuate chess moves obviously doesn’t have the time to read this kind of article. We don’t want to get mixed up with that element. Here are the definitions you should be concerned with:
“?!” – Loud question
Otherwise known as the ‘WTF?!”, this punctuation is necessary to harshly question someone else’s actions or previous statement with the expectation of an answer back. Some good examples are:
“Is that a herpes sore?!”
“When were you going to tell me you were married?!”
“How did you manage to spend $4,300 on your trip to Washington, DC?!”
“!?” – No Fucking Way
This is a strong disbelief in someone’s action or statement without the expectation of an answer:
“Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!?”
“You call that a penis!?”
“Gas is at $4.00 a gallon!?”
See how a statement changes now that you know the definitions:
“You are gay?!”
“You are gay!?”
Or:
“You are a sophomore in high school?!”
“You are a sophomore in high school!?”
All punctuation should be like the dollar .sign
But then I realized that the percent sign comes after the number (20%) and so you don’t know what the number represents until you are finished saying it and then you’ve got to add the right .inflection That could lead to !embarrassment
Why not do the same as the dollar sign for all ?punctuation
As you can see, it works for punctuation at the end of the .sentence It gives you a second to finish up your sentence momentum and then come to an agreeable halt with the proper hint of .emotionIn *Spanish, they put the punctuation marks at the beginning and at the end of the sentence to give you a head start on your .inflection I think this leads to over enunciation and unneeded .inflection That’s why the Spanish speaking peoples always seem so dramatic when they .talk Our new rule for English will be one punctuation mark, but right before the last word of a .sentence I wonder if this will work for …?ellipses It !does
So here is a list of suggestions for new end of sentence :punctuation
%percentages
*asterisks
: colon
!!double exclamation
?! questioning exclamation
!? exclaiming a question
Please let me know if you need any assistance with any specific .punctuation
.P.S And all emoticons should be .banned !!Forever
*Both Mexican and Spanish as well as .Castilian
Aww... Kitty Got Sick!
Reason #7 Why I Have a Great Job
I find this kind of stuff on my desk at least once a week.
Ann's Pizza
Ann is four years old and her preschool class went to a local "take and bake" pizza place where they were able to make their own pizzas. The store was crazy enough to allow the four year olds to make their own crust as well as add toppings. The crust was very thick in places and even thicker in others. Most the toppings had gotten the hint from gravity and found a home in between the two mountains of dough. Some of the more stubborn toppings held on to the sides in some sad show of bravado.
We tossed the creation in the oven per the instructions and waited. I'm not sure if a stray gamma ray hit a still thriving colony of yeast, but the crust came alive and tried to negotiate its way out of the oven.
It reminded me of this character from "Space Balls."
We turned up the heat until it stopped talking.
Ann ate about three bites.
We tossed the creation in the oven per the instructions and waited. I'm not sure if a stray gamma ray hit a still thriving colony of yeast, but the crust came alive and tried to negotiate its way out of the oven.
It reminded me of this character from "Space Balls."
We turned up the heat until it stopped talking.
Ann ate about three bites.
Two Teeth
I have many teeth and at one time I had many cavities, but they are now drilled out and filled with silver stuff (older) and kinda white stuff (newer.) You would think that someone in my position would avoid the dentist unless it was completely necessary. But you know me and on two occasions I have been to the dentist (Well, once. The one guy wasn’t a dentist) when I didn’t have to be there and still had my teeth worked on. We’ll break this up into two parts called “Drilling for Dollars” and “Binaural Audio.”
Drilling for Dollars
Years and years ago I got a call from a friend. We’ll call him Mr. T. And now you have a big, black guy with gold chains stuck in your head. Think the polar opposite… skinny, white, red-head dude that’s pushing six feet tall. Mr. T was taking his dental exam so that he could become a full-fledged dentist. I think there are three parts to the test and he had passed two of them. He needed to pass the third test which was drilling and filling a cavity. Seeing as that I am always willing to help a friend and that I usually have a spare cavity, I agreed. I felt I could be my friend’s gateway into a profitable dental career. Mr. T took me in to have a bunch of x-rays taken so that he could send them in to the board and have me OK’d as a patient. Sadly, the cavity I had was not perfect and Mr.T had to work the x-ray machine like a professional photographer. At the end of the day my face was glowing and he had the perfect shot. It was almost like a reverse internet profile photo where ugly people take odd angles to get the best photo. He was taking multiple angles to make the cavity look as bad as possible.
A few weeks later, Mr. T and I drove up to Cleveland for the test. We went up on Friday for the test on Saturday. We were able to sleep in because people would be taking the first 2/3rds of the test and the cavity filling was the last part.
But we showed up and the testing area was nearly empty. Upon questioning the staff that was there, they said that Mr. T needed to be there three hours ago for the start of the test. There was a good bit of nail biting and in the end, they said we could still jump in and take the test.
I was stuck in the chair. Numbed. And drilled. Mr. T was sweating bullets. Because everyone had finished the test and moved on, the people that oversaw the test and were normally were spread out across the room had nothing better to do than stand a few feet away and wait for this asshole that showed up three hours late to finish his test.
Mr. T was asked to leave and three dudes looked over the new hole in my face. Mr. T was then called back in and given the opportunity to fill my hole with silvery goodness. He did. The three old men came back and checked out the filling. Mr. T asked me to listen in on what they said. I couldn't make heads or tails of what they were discussing.
We left the test and Mr. T was sure he failed.
But he didn’t! My cavity was the finish line to his schooling or perhaps the starting gate to his dentist license. Mr. T probably thinks of my every time he fills a cavity, drives his Porsche or towels off with a sheet of twenty dollar bills.
Binaural Audio
In 1999, Stu started working in our division and my eyes were opened to what reckless creativity can spawn. Stu is like no other person I have ever met and you would be lucky just to know someone who knows a guy like Stu.
Stu was very interested in an exhibit we had previously built that used binaural audio or 3D sound. The basis of the technology is that audio is recorded with two microphones spaced a head’s width apart. When that recorded audio is played through separate headphone sides, the audio can feel like it is happening to you. If you have a set of headphones, I recommend listening to this painfully long youtube video.
Stu and I discussed what would be the best 3D audio. We came up with some really great ideas. We took the microphones out and recorded all sorts of crap including creepy guy sneaking up on you in an alley, creepy guy breathing in your ear and dude shooting arrows at your head. We then discussed an evil sort of voice that would sound like it was coming from behind the listener. The voice would tell the person to look up and when they did they would see little glowing eyes in the dark recesses of the ceiling. We were 3D audio geniuses.
The best idea to delight and terrify our guests was the idea to record audio of someone getting dental work done. We asked around and no one had a dental appointment coming up (or they just flat out lied because they wanted nothing to do with us.) So finally I volunteered. I called up Mr. T who was now DDS T. I told him about the recording and that I’d need some type of work done. He at least agreed to see us.
We ran over to his dentist office the next day. I got in the chair and Stu put the microphones on either side of my head. DDS T looked around in my mouth and, for once, didn’t see any work that needed done. He had me chew on some mimeograph paper and found a high spot on one of my teeth. He asked if I wanted it ground down. Yes, yes I do want my teeth ground down.
As DDS T worked, Stu had him move the drill around and make noise in both of the microphones. He drilled and smoothed and slapped me on the ass and told me to keep flossing, knowing that I hadn’t touched the waxed stuff in ages.
So, you ask me, “Doug, where can I hear this wonderful audio?” And I say to you, “You can’t.”
Why? Because we got really busy, that’s why. All that audio needed edited down and we had other shit to do. In the end, time ran out and we used the pre-packaged audio that we had purchased in the first palace. Years later, I asked Stu where the custom audio was. He didn’t know. He’d quit and moved on. I poked around, but never found the tapes.
Last week I went into my dentist’s office. There was a filling in my mouth that wasn’t holding up and it needed drilled out and re-filled. Once I realized it, I told my dentist that it was the one that the once Mr. T had earned his license on. My dentist laughed as he drilled it out and then refilled it with whitish stuff.
Drilling for Dollars
Years and years ago I got a call from a friend. We’ll call him Mr. T. And now you have a big, black guy with gold chains stuck in your head. Think the polar opposite… skinny, white, red-head dude that’s pushing six feet tall. Mr. T was taking his dental exam so that he could become a full-fledged dentist. I think there are three parts to the test and he had passed two of them. He needed to pass the third test which was drilling and filling a cavity. Seeing as that I am always willing to help a friend and that I usually have a spare cavity, I agreed. I felt I could be my friend’s gateway into a profitable dental career. Mr. T took me in to have a bunch of x-rays taken so that he could send them in to the board and have me OK’d as a patient. Sadly, the cavity I had was not perfect and Mr.T had to work the x-ray machine like a professional photographer. At the end of the day my face was glowing and he had the perfect shot. It was almost like a reverse internet profile photo where ugly people take odd angles to get the best photo. He was taking multiple angles to make the cavity look as bad as possible.
A few weeks later, Mr. T and I drove up to Cleveland for the test. We went up on Friday for the test on Saturday. We were able to sleep in because people would be taking the first 2/3rds of the test and the cavity filling was the last part.
But we showed up and the testing area was nearly empty. Upon questioning the staff that was there, they said that Mr. T needed to be there three hours ago for the start of the test. There was a good bit of nail biting and in the end, they said we could still jump in and take the test.
I was stuck in the chair. Numbed. And drilled. Mr. T was sweating bullets. Because everyone had finished the test and moved on, the people that oversaw the test and were normally were spread out across the room had nothing better to do than stand a few feet away and wait for this asshole that showed up three hours late to finish his test.
Mr. T was asked to leave and three dudes looked over the new hole in my face. Mr. T was then called back in and given the opportunity to fill my hole with silvery goodness. He did. The three old men came back and checked out the filling. Mr. T asked me to listen in on what they said. I couldn't make heads or tails of what they were discussing.
We left the test and Mr. T was sure he failed.
But he didn’t! My cavity was the finish line to his schooling or perhaps the starting gate to his dentist license. Mr. T probably thinks of my every time he fills a cavity, drives his Porsche or towels off with a sheet of twenty dollar bills.
Binaural Audio
In 1999, Stu started working in our division and my eyes were opened to what reckless creativity can spawn. Stu is like no other person I have ever met and you would be lucky just to know someone who knows a guy like Stu.
Stu was very interested in an exhibit we had previously built that used binaural audio or 3D sound. The basis of the technology is that audio is recorded with two microphones spaced a head’s width apart. When that recorded audio is played through separate headphone sides, the audio can feel like it is happening to you. If you have a set of headphones, I recommend listening to this painfully long youtube video.
Stu and I discussed what would be the best 3D audio. We came up with some really great ideas. We took the microphones out and recorded all sorts of crap including creepy guy sneaking up on you in an alley, creepy guy breathing in your ear and dude shooting arrows at your head. We then discussed an evil sort of voice that would sound like it was coming from behind the listener. The voice would tell the person to look up and when they did they would see little glowing eyes in the dark recesses of the ceiling. We were 3D audio geniuses.
The best idea to delight and terrify our guests was the idea to record audio of someone getting dental work done. We asked around and no one had a dental appointment coming up (or they just flat out lied because they wanted nothing to do with us.) So finally I volunteered. I called up Mr. T who was now DDS T. I told him about the recording and that I’d need some type of work done. He at least agreed to see us.
We ran over to his dentist office the next day. I got in the chair and Stu put the microphones on either side of my head. DDS T looked around in my mouth and, for once, didn’t see any work that needed done. He had me chew on some mimeograph paper and found a high spot on one of my teeth. He asked if I wanted it ground down. Yes, yes I do want my teeth ground down.
As DDS T worked, Stu had him move the drill around and make noise in both of the microphones. He drilled and smoothed and slapped me on the ass and told me to keep flossing, knowing that I hadn’t touched the waxed stuff in ages.
So, you ask me, “Doug, where can I hear this wonderful audio?” And I say to you, “You can’t.”
Why? Because we got really busy, that’s why. All that audio needed edited down and we had other shit to do. In the end, time ran out and we used the pre-packaged audio that we had purchased in the first palace. Years later, I asked Stu where the custom audio was. He didn’t know. He’d quit and moved on. I poked around, but never found the tapes.
Last week I went into my dentist’s office. There was a filling in my mouth that wasn’t holding up and it needed drilled out and re-filled. Once I realized it, I told my dentist that it was the one that the once Mr. T had earned his license on. My dentist laughed as he drilled it out and then refilled it with whitish stuff.
Broken Radio?
Here's a photo from John and Beckah. As they were driving, they saw this dude in the car next to them.
It's hard to tell, but the dude is wearing a harmonica rack and is playing away on his harmonica.
I assumed his radio was broken, but now I think he might have just been playing along.
It's hard to tell, but the dude is wearing a harmonica rack and is playing away on his harmonica.
I assumed his radio was broken, but now I think he might have just been playing along.
You Are Starting to Piss Me Off Home Depot
I hate the visceral feeling of regret you get when something starts going downhill and you can either ride the out of control wagon to the bitter end or jump out and climb back up the hill looking for a smoother ride.
I stayed on the wagon. I'm still heading downhill.
Miss Sally and I want an new sliding glass door. We went to our stand-by, Lowes, but they had a poor display and not much help with doors. We went to Home Depot and they had a much better layout and a desk with a very helpful dude. We picked what door we wanted and scheduled to have our existing door measured.
The customer service up to this point was great. We got a call that they installers would be out to measure and we got a call when they were done. In the second call, we were given a bit of bad news. Our existing opening was one inch too large for the door we picked. The woman said that instead of the $650 we picked out that there was an $1150 door in stock that would fit our opening. When I started to balk about the difference in price, she said something to the effect of, "Well, we've got a $350 door. You want that one?" I said I would have to come in and make a decision.
A few days later had me at Home Depot again and the door person was at lunch. The substitute person looked up my account and said that he could not help me and asked if I wanted to wait. I did not and left.
I got another call from Home Depot asking me if I had made a decision about my door. I said that we still liked out first door and wondered what a custom door one inch larger would cost. She looked it up and said $1300. Once I finish shitting my pants, I told her that was out and that I'd need to discuss the door with my wife.
During work this week, I mentioned the door to Erik and he said, "Why can't they just shim the door in 1/2" on each side? Those doors never fit perfectly in the openings." I told Erik he was very smart and planned to go in on Saturday.
Today I decided to be sneaky and headed over to another Home Depot. Just like the first store, the sales person was very helpful. I asked about my model of door and if it could be shimmed in on either side. He said yes, no problem. When he tried to pull my account up, he came up blank. It turns out that the installers are local to each store and they other Home Depot could not fulfill my order. I said thanks to the sales person and armed with this shimming knowledge I went back to the original Home Depot.
At the store, sales person pulls up my order. I ask about shimming. He leave for ten minutes and comes back to say that he can't help me on a Saturday and that I will need to come back Monday when the installers are available.
Fucking fine.
I left.
Here is my beef: When Home Depot called me originally to tell me about my measurement, they should have just said that they would have to shim it in. Instead she tried to get me to buy something $500 more expensive. I also can't see why they do not have someone around on the weekends who might have a clue about installations.
Now you might be asking, "Why haven't you jumped off the wagon?"
Because of $30. The measurement cost $30 and it is taken off of the final cost if you do go through with the installation. Now all of you that know me know where my dollar limit is and can manipulate me as such.
I'll let you know how things go AFTER Monday when they have someone in that can help.
I stayed on the wagon. I'm still heading downhill.
Miss Sally and I want an new sliding glass door. We went to our stand-by, Lowes, but they had a poor display and not much help with doors. We went to Home Depot and they had a much better layout and a desk with a very helpful dude. We picked what door we wanted and scheduled to have our existing door measured.
The customer service up to this point was great. We got a call that they installers would be out to measure and we got a call when they were done. In the second call, we were given a bit of bad news. Our existing opening was one inch too large for the door we picked. The woman said that instead of the $650 we picked out that there was an $1150 door in stock that would fit our opening. When I started to balk about the difference in price, she said something to the effect of, "Well, we've got a $350 door. You want that one?" I said I would have to come in and make a decision.
A few days later had me at Home Depot again and the door person was at lunch. The substitute person looked up my account and said that he could not help me and asked if I wanted to wait. I did not and left.
I got another call from Home Depot asking me if I had made a decision about my door. I said that we still liked out first door and wondered what a custom door one inch larger would cost. She looked it up and said $1300. Once I finish shitting my pants, I told her that was out and that I'd need to discuss the door with my wife.
During work this week, I mentioned the door to Erik and he said, "Why can't they just shim the door in 1/2" on each side? Those doors never fit perfectly in the openings." I told Erik he was very smart and planned to go in on Saturday.
Today I decided to be sneaky and headed over to another Home Depot. Just like the first store, the sales person was very helpful. I asked about my model of door and if it could be shimmed in on either side. He said yes, no problem. When he tried to pull my account up, he came up blank. It turns out that the installers are local to each store and they other Home Depot could not fulfill my order. I said thanks to the sales person and armed with this shimming knowledge I went back to the original Home Depot.
At the store, sales person pulls up my order. I ask about shimming. He leave for ten minutes and comes back to say that he can't help me on a Saturday and that I will need to come back Monday when the installers are available.
Fucking fine.
I left.
Here is my beef: When Home Depot called me originally to tell me about my measurement, they should have just said that they would have to shim it in. Instead she tried to get me to buy something $500 more expensive. I also can't see why they do not have someone around on the weekends who might have a clue about installations.
Now you might be asking, "Why haven't you jumped off the wagon?"
Because of $30. The measurement cost $30 and it is taken off of the final cost if you do go through with the installation. Now all of you that know me know where my dollar limit is and can manipulate me as such.
I'll let you know how things go AFTER Monday when they have someone in that can help.
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