Dynamo


To say that Dynamo is the greatest dog ever would be true, but Jenn and Eric know that it is better to share the sun with others than to take it all in and cast shadows. Let us just say that Dynamo is in a First-Place tie with a lot of other dogs.
Dynamo left us suddenly last Sunday. He was a good boy.
But that is not the first time that Dynamo left us. He’s quite good at it. This is Dynamo’s story about when he died the first time. And like all good stories, this one has a bear in it.
To ensure that blame is not given and fingers are not pointed, we’ve changed Eric’s name to “Bob” to protect his identity. And since the whole “Eric” thing is out of the bag, I’ll just call Bob, “Eric,” for clarity.
Several years ago, and many more if you were a dog, Dynamo adopted Jenn and Eric when he randomly followed them home one night on one of their walks. Jenn and Eric were happy to be adopted and saw many more walks and adventures in their future together. Dynamo was completely on board with the taking of walks and adventuring bit. 
As part of the adventuring, Eric, his sister, and brother-in-law took Dynamo camping in Kentucky to an area called Red River Gorge. It’s a beautiful place and I highly recommend you go and check out the rolling hills, thick forests, dangerous cliffs, streams, dangerously steep cliffs, wildlife, and deadly-dangerously steep cliffs.  On a large, tree covered hill, they all camped out, went hiking, and did things that humans and a rambunctious dog on a leash can do. 

Towards evening, the adults wanted to go watch the sunset and knew the viewing area was too steep and dangerous for adventurous dogs, so they tied Dynamo up to a tree and walked up and around and around and up to a ledge that was perfect for not-dogs to watch a sunset. From their spot, they could still see their campsite across the crevice and that gave them a sense of security that they could keep their eye on Dynamo and he would be OK. And as the sun does, it started to set.
But Dynamo missed his friends dearly. They were just across the way and he wanted to be with them. He escaped his bonds and went tearing off in the direction of his friends.  Dogs at that age only know straight lines, and in running with blind joy directly towards them, he fell off a 75-foot cliff.
“Dynamo!”
Eric ran to the cliff edge. There was nothing but a huge, 75-foot drop into darkness and silence. The cliff reversed under itself and he could not see or hear any sign of Dynamo far below.
Dynamo had to be dead.
Eric looked for a way down, but the cliff edge ran hundreds of feet in either direction and only got steeper as it went in either direction. Eric and friends tried calling for Dynamo over the edge in several areas and heard nothing. With nightfall fully upon them and with a heavy heart, they headed back to camp. There was no way down from their location to the bottom of the cliff and he would need to come in from another area of the park to retrieve Dynamo’s body.
Eric called Jenn in the morning to tell her the horrible news. Such an awful thing to deliver over the phone. The three hour drive back to Columbus had to be difficult. (Especially since Jenn’s last words to him leaving with Dynamo were, “Don’t let him fall off any cliffs.”) While all three of the sad humans had to get back to Ohio that morning, Eric explained that he would head back down to the park as soon as possible to find Dynamo and bring him back.
In Columbus, Eric studied the back-road maps and trails to determine his best route to go off-path and retrieve Dynamo. (Whether or not Jenn told him not to come back if he was without Dynamo is unknown and will not be discussed outside of this mention.) But before he could head back down, there was a bear attack on a hiker and the authorities announced the entire park would be closed while the rangers attempted to “take care of” the bear. No one would be allowed in until the park was made safer by one less bear.
Days passed. The bear threat stayed orange or whatever bear threat level it needs to be to keep a park shut down.  And they waited.
After two weeks, they got a call from a ranger. While searching for the bear, there had been a dog sighting by a ranger in another area of the park. Rangers went back, searched the area, and found a dog that had about 5” of leash still attached to his collar. The collar had a Franklin County dog tag registered to a Jenn and Eric, who were owned by Dynamo. The registration had a phone number, and would you like to come down and get your extremely friendly dog?
By the time they got down to the park, Dynamo had made a few new friends, but was not hesitant to jump out of the ranger’s truck and immediately into their Jeep where he was quickly wrapped in Jenn’s arms, never to be let go again. 
Dynamo was a little tattered (some scratches here and there.) A bit hungry (he lost 15 pounds.) Somewhat tired (he slept all three hours home.) But overall, a not dead, good boy.
And he remained a good boy. He was a good boy for so many people for many years. So many friends. So many walks. A new little human to take care of! So many adventures. It’s hard to have such a good boy die once, and Dynamo died twice. But that means he got to live twice, and that is more than we can ask of any dog.


You Suck, Joe Show


It was September 15, 2001 and everyone was still reeling from 9/11. We were standing in line outside the Newport Music Hall in Columbus, Ohio to see David Byrne. It was his Look Into the Eyeball Tour. As we waited, a loud religious nut, perched on a milk crate across the street, was prophesying the end of the world. Many people in line wanted to make his prophesy come true. I think everyone just wanted to escape for a little while. Jesus dude was not helping.

We got inside as the opening band was finishing up. I bought a 32oz beer, which is a great buy because you don’t have to get in line as often. Problem is that the beer gets piss warm, so you have to chug it. Then you have to go stand in line for beer. And for the bathroom. We made our way to the front of the room and found a spot, stage right, back about 20 feet.

David Byrne and his band sauntered out in gas station outfits, embroidered names and all. They played.

It was the best show I had ever seen. Still is.

It could have been the mental state that we were in or it quite possible was the best show ever. Either way, we were all floating a few inches above the sticky floor. I get goosebumps thinking about it.

Then at the midway point of the concert, the music stopped and Joe Show came out on the stage. Joe Show is a DJ at a local Classic Rock station that was sponsoring the show. For some reason, Joe Show was holding his bowling league’s season wrap up party at the concert. He grabbed a mic and talked up David and the band. He then started in about his bowling league and how special it was to him.
The audience plunked back down on the sticky floor and began to mumble. He then asked David Byrne to help him hand out bowling trophies to the “winners” in the bowling league. He handed David a card with names on it. David seemed slightly amused and a bit nonplussed at the whole bit. Well, it was the Midwest. The crowd was pissed. Yells at Joe Show started. “Get off the stage!” “You suck Joe Show!” “No mo’ Joe Show!” Add a smattering of boos and profanity and Joe got the idea. Joe took back the list from David and sped through the last bit of the trophy handing out. He cleared the stage, but not before handing out other bowling trophies to David, the band and the string section. You rock, Joe Show. Really.

Regaining composure, David jumped back into the show. In about thirty seconds we all forgot about Joe’s self-indulgence. Again, the show rocked.

A few days later, I was reliving the story about the concert to my co-worker, Kindra. On a side note, I mentioned the whole bit about bowling and trophies. She suggested I write a letter to the editor of the local alternative paper. So I did. The letter to The Other Paper went like this:


An open letter to Mr. David Byrne:

Please accept these apologies from myself and the hundreds of others who attended your concert Sept. 15 at the Newport Music Hall. It seems that a local radio station thought it would be appropriate to distribute their bowling league trophies in the middle of your concert, bringing the momentum of a tremendous show to a screeching halt.
I can only congratulate you for recovering that momentum with grace and style, making the second half of your show even better than the first. Please do not hold the actions of a few against the rest of us. We definitely want to see you back in Columbus.

Doug

P.S. Idiots! Screw you Q-FM 96. And you suck, Joe Show.


I sent the letter in on a Monday. The weekly paper comes out on Thursday and my letter was not in the editorial section. I was disappointed, but not surprised. I had expected to get a phone call from the paper asking me if I actually existed and if they could print my letter. And I mean really, who cares about David Byrne anyways… Time passes.

The phone rang at 6:10 a.m. It was the next Thursday. The letter had been printed.

(Who knew?) The call was from the morning jocks on the radio station in question. They wanted to get me on the air with Joe Show and poke fun at him for his antics. I said it was too early and I had to get ready for work. “How about 9:00 a.m.?” Yeah, I can do 9:00 a.m.

Yeah! I was going to be on the radio and we were all going to make fun of Joe Show. Hurrah! I called all my friends to tell them to listen in to the verbal beating.

Little did I know.

Around 8:45 a.m. they called me. They quickly reviewed what they wanted to go down. Waggs and Elliot would introduce the bit, ask me for my side of the story and then bring Joe Show on to mock him. Easy. I waited on hold, listening to the DJs banter as DJs do. Then I was up. They spoke about the letter in the paper and read some excerpts. I was introduced and gave my side of the story. We all laughed. They then said that there was someone on the phone who wanted to talk to me.

“Doug, you are a dick.” Joe Show has a way with words.

Joe told his side of the story. He claimed several things:

1. I was a dick. (I can see that.)

2. He, out his own pocket, paid for the 60 or so bowling leaguers at the concert. (I had accused him of using free passes that could have gone to real fans.)

3. He claimed that there was no booing and that everyone in the audience LOVED the trophy ceremony. (No comment.)

4. He said that the trophy handing out to David, the band and the strings was done by him running home before the concert and gathering up 10 of his personal trophies. (I can’t dispute this, but who the f*ck would want a trophy with Joe Show’s name on it?)

5. He claimed that David Byrne had come up with the idea about handing out the trophies. (Oddly enough, I can believe this. Byrne is an odd cat. My issue is that Show should have said thanks, but no thanks. Of course, egotistical assholes could never say no to an opportunity like that.)

And then the verbal beatings ensued. As Joe Show described his lame ass side of the story, I tried to interject with my interpretations of his recollections. The entire morning crew and Joe Show attacked and ripped me sideways. I didn’t have a chance. They didn’t want to poke fun of Joe Show, they wanted to make me look like an ass. Sadly, it worked. The volume on my phone was turned down and no one heard my witty comebacks. I ended up looking like someone who punched a quadriplegic in a wheel chair on her birthday.

At the end, I hung up and called my wife. She was very supportive. “Honey, they made you look like an ass.”

Two years later during a reunion at Ohio University, my buddy Larry said he had heard me on the radio six hours earlier. I said that was impossible. He was positive. When his alarm clock radio went off in the morning, there I was, talking about the David Byrne concert and how Joe Show had screwed it up. Turns out it was a “Best of QFM-96.” Yeah, the best of. Larry said, “They made you look like an ass.”

Sigh. David Byrne has not been back to Columbus since.

YOU SUCK, JOE SHOW!

(Author’s note: Joe Show unexpectedly died in 2016. As soon as I heard the news, I felt bad for the resentment I held for him all those years. Whenever I got to tell this story, I remember explaining what an asshole Joe Show was and in my mind, what an asshole he still was. After he died, there was an outpouring of positive remembrances of Joe and of all his work for charity and local music. This is my opportunity to tell everyone that I was not happy with Joe Show that night and for many years after, but that I forgive him. It was all for entertainment, both on his side and mine. And while this story is not a glowing memory of Joe Show, it is a memory and it is the only thing I can give him now.)

Twitter's updated zombie-user policy

If we are notified that a Twitter user has turned into a Zombie, we can remove their account or assist family members in posting and, if possible, translating their loved one’s moans and death rattles into 280 character Tweets.

Please contact us with the following information:

1. Your full name, email address, and your relationship to the Zombie.
2. The username of the Twitter account, or a link to the last Tweet they made suggesting that they were bit and feeling ill.
3. A link to a news article or video of the Zombie eating brains.

You can contact us at privacy@twitter.com, or by mail or fax:
Twitter Inc.,
c/o: Zombified
795 Folsom Street, Suite 600
San Francisco, CA 94107
Fax: 415-222-9958

Please note that Twitter cannot fix the formatting for long Zombie words like Mmmmmmhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggggggg, Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgunh, or Rwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Please note that we cannot do anything about loved ones who turn into vampires. We don’t deal with that shit.

I Love Me. Who Do You Love? – The Not-So Audio Book


I compiled a number of HolyJuan stories, postings, cartoons, and some new writings together in a book called, “I Love Me. Who Do You Love?At the time, I thought about recording an audio book to go along with it. As part of my work at Roto, we did audio recordings all the time. We would screen the voice talent, and then with a recording engineer, the talent, and with me as the producer, work together to ensure high-quality recording and to catch errors / make on-the-fly changes to the script. It was enjoyable work, so I thought I could handle it myself by just reading through my book with some simple recording equipment.                

                Oh boy, was I wrong.

                First off, they call them “talent” because it takes a lot of practice and experience to read well, even when it is in their own voice and not a character voice. Reading naturally, without screwing up a word or skipping a whole line is difficult for someone doing it by themselves. Even if you think that you’ve read a few lines perfectly, the engineer and producer is there to catch if there were “pops” or background noises. In a studio environment, you’ve got two people making sure that the words are right and that they sound perfect. Being able to sit back and have a second take on something with a few modifications might squeeze something unexpected from everyone working together.

                Secondly, the engineer is doing several other tasks that have nothing to do with the performance. They are tracking the takes, monitoring the equipment, catching subtle modifications the talent can make to how they are speaking into the microphone, and then wrapping it all up in a nice package for which I can take credit.

                Lastly, it is very difficult to produce your own work. It’s hard to massage a 5th take out of the talent when you are the talent. There are missed words. Missed paragraphs. No direction from a 3rd party. And after trying to get one passable chapter complete, all you want to do is have a drink before moving on, and drinking while recording a downhill cheese wheel chase of compounding trouble.

                I tried to record my book. I borrowed audio equipment from Hugh. Prepped my file folders. Booted up the Adobe Audition recording software. And promptly gave up after the first three chapters. About 75% of my recordings had the word “shit” in them when I recognized I had screwed up a word. Literally every recording would need an edit in the middle. And even when I thought I had a perfect recording, I’d catch a pop or slurred word. I was miserable, realizing that I am the laziest perfectionist in Ohio and the book would never be recorded without paying for an engineer, a producer, and studio time.  

                When I returned the audio equipment to Hugh, I explained my predicament. He knows a significant amount about recording and couldn’t help but agree. But in that sad discussion, we came up with a great idea: The Director’s Cut Audio Book – Now With 100% More Alcohol Consumption.

                Here’s the pitch: I read and record my own book. I use at home equipment. If I want, I drink beers before and during the recording. I read without stopping for simple errors or I call out when I’ve glitched. If I want, I add commentary. I read the comics. I describe the photos. It is story telling of my stories. You buy the audio book knowing what you are getting and buying it because you know what you are getting.

                What do you think? 

                Email holyjuan@gmail.com with your thoughts.



Compare and Consternation

A few weeks ago, I got a message on my Fake Dispatch Twitter account from a local publication asking if I would be interested in collaborating on some humorous political commentary. Absolutely. I went to their offices and we decided I would write as Fake Dispatch and write humorous content that would be published at their online channel. I would wait until the last minute to write these pieces so that they could be as relevant as possible. 

We did a test the first week to see if my content was what they were looking for. I sent them three extended Fake Dispatch posts. Their response was that they were not looking for me to write fake news but to comment on real news. I said I would make an attempt.

For me, it is difficult to write funny commentary on real, local topics, because at some point, someone's feelings are going to get hurt. When I write something made up, there is a buffer of lies between my jokes and others' emotions. But I gave it my best. That next week, I sent them a new set of Fake Dispatch "hot takes" with real, humorous commentary.

Between that first week and the second week, something unexpected happened at this local publication where they reconsidered publishing political commentary. It was an unfortunate coincidence, but Boy was I Proud of the opportunity to try this writing challenge. They said, "thanks, but no thanks" and my work was never to see the light of day.

So here it is in the light of day! Here's what I would like to do: I'm going to post the first "fake" article and its complimentary "real" piece. The last two don't align on topic, but you get the idea. Let me know what you think.

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Teh Ohio State University
Just this week, Teh Ohio State University applied for copyright protection on the word, “THE.” At least they thought they did. Because they allowed a graduate from Ohio University to fill out the application, the woman accidentally put “Teh” on the application over 37 times. When asked about the error, the woman replied, “Oops, that must have been a typo. Go Bobcats!” Legally, Teh Ohio State University must use the word “Teh” until the matter is settled in court. 


The The The Ohio State University
Don’t get me wrong; I love Ohio State. Outsiders to Columbus are not forced to don the scarlet and grey. (Though I think babies born at any university hospital are swaddled in OSU blankets and receive a block O tattoo.) But if a non-alumna does accept Ohio State into their heart, they will find themselves invited to more tailgates, asked to go to lunch more often with co-workers, and high-fived a lot in public. It’s either that or give in to the dark side and wear Michigan gear. Honestly, Michigan fans should get a lot more credit than the folks that wear OSU gear as camouflage. 
I love Ohio State. But damn do they test my patience. Originally, people insisting you say, “The” Ohio State University was just silly. I refuse to do it. But then they go and try to trademark the word “The?” 

I think this means that if you have four people to spell out “OHIO,” you are going to need three more to spell out the “THE.”
Well, I’m sorry to say that “The” is already taken. (A song by the group JYJ.) And "The The" is taken by the group The The. Luckily, The The The is available and that’s what I am going to call The The The Ohio State University from now on. The The The Ohio State University.
And now I can’t figure out how to form the H in “The” with just one person’s arms. You might need eight people. Shit… sixteen if you spell The The The OHIO.

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Alternative Transportation Energy

A Columbus man was injured last night after attempting to create a perpetual motion machine by taping two rental scooters together. Allen Mordigio Baskins, who asked that we would not use his name, rented a Bird and Lime scooter. He aligned the wheels, front to back and back to front and then taped the accelerator handles down on both units. The resulting explosion generated an EMP blast that erased all the high scores from the video games at 16-bit Bar. Allen Mordigio Baskins, who asked that we not reveal his name, was thrown several hundred feet and landed on, believe it or not, a Spin scooter which he then used to scoot his busted ass to the hospital. 



Electric Rental Scooters are the Devil
In Columbus, you literally cannot swing an electric rental scooter without hitting another scooter. By last count, I think there are 1,335 scooter companies in Columbus. (Lime, Bird, Lyft, Spin. OK there are four.) No one says anything about it in the Bible, but electric scooters were the 11th Plague of Egypt. (And also how the Israelites got out of town so quickly.) Scooters are everywhere in Columbus. They are here to stay. They are the Devil. 

They are the Devil because have you seen the people riding them with sheer glee and abandon? As they ride on the street/sidewalk/parking lots/grass/into fire hydrants, their faces are filled with exultation. They laugh. They whoop. They slalom from side to side. Even the people on their way to work have a micron of an upturned lip as they whizz down the street. Anything that provides that kind of selfless happiness can only come from the Devil. Scooters are the Devil. And I love riding every mile down the highway to hell on them.  


NOW QUIT LAYING THEM ON THE SIDEWALKS YOU PUNK KID HEATHENS!

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Anxious for Weed?
The State Medical Board of Ohio committee, which is empowered to recommend what qualifying conditions would allow residents to purchase medical marijuana, has decided against adding autism spectrum disorder and anxiety to the Ohio’s list of qualifying conditions for purchasing the drug. Previously, they also ruled against allowing prescriptions for opioid use disorder, depression, and insomnia.

Currently, the only covered conditions for medical marijuana are golfer’s elbow, injuries obtained during equestrian dressage, and stress induced from being a State Medical Board of Ohio committee member. 


Dangerous Intersection Remediation Underway


According to Columbus city officials, there have been 68 accidents at the intersection of Livingston Ave. and Barnett Rd. between 2015 and 2017.  Columbus is throwing $1.4 million at the intersection to make it safer by modifying the road width, adding turn lanes, and crosswalks. Folks, this is not going to put a dent in the number of accidents. Or I should say there will still be dents, and that number might have one, but it will still be the same number. I’m sure they had the best intentions, but I don’t think it is going to work. You know what would stop accidents there? A traffic circle. You drop a traffic circle in there and I guarantee there will not be a single accident as people drive 2 MPH in the same circle over and over and over. How do you get people to avoid accidents in the intersection? When completely avoid the intersection. I understand that many of the residents in Hillard over the age of 60 would gladly donate one of their city’s traffic circles.