My friend shared some terrible news about a person in their
life that might have a very poor diagnosis and a limited time to live. For the
next few days, their family and friends are in limbo while the outcomes of the
tests are determined. How much time to live. What possible medical actions to
take. What to do. What they don’t have time to do. Helpless. That maybe hoping
upon hoping that just maybe it’s nothing. Hopeless. Heartbreakingly sad.
And while we were talking, I thought about recent events in
my life and how it would be interesting if friends or relatives could appear to
you and explain that they would be dying in 48 hours. That you could have two
whole days to spend with them and prepare. The deal would be that you cannot
change the future events; that they are given those two days on the promise
that they could spend them with loved ones, but that after 48 hours they would
die.
Then I thought about what I would do with that time. What
would I do with those two days? What would I do and who would I try to see before
those 48 hours were over? I have a bad feeling that I would completely waste
them. I have poor time management skills and near alcohol addiction and I can
see myself getting people together for a party that I get completely drunk at
and wake up, hungover with just enough time to say something cryptic before I
die.
So here’s my 48 hours.
0:00 The 48 hour Death Courier
appears and lets me know that I have 48 hours left to live.
1:30 I get done having
the Death Courier explain for the 48th time that no, it’s not a joke
and that I’ve wasted 90 minutes.
1:31 Post of Facebook
that I have less than 48 hours to live and I want to say as many goodbyes as
possible.
1:32 Unfriend all the
people that I really never liked in the first place, but felt obligated to
follow.
(Not you.)
3:57 Realize that I
just wasted two and a half hours watching YouTube videos.
5:00 Gather my
immediate family close and let them know how much I love them and that I will
miss them horribly.
5:01 Break up the kids
from fighting about who gets to hold the kitty at the funeral and who even said
that the cat could come to the funeral!
6:00 Friends begin to
arrive. Many of them to collect debts. (Redhead Jen still wants that $100.)
6:01 We start to drink.
7:00 I make some poor
decisions.
7:30 More poor
decisions. Damn you Sailor Jerry’s!
8:00 Additional poor
decisions, but I’ll be dead in just a few hours, so what the hell!
28:00 Oh shit. I wake
up in my car trunk. I pull the emergency latch and crawl out and into the
house. Into bed.
32:00 I’m finally not
hungover anymore and crawl out of bed.
32:01 I remember that I
haven’t watched Season 2 of Stranger Things.
32:02 I do the math and
realize I can watch Season 2.
40:00 Holy crap… completely
worth it.
40:01 I eat a whole bag
of Swedish Fish
40:02 Shower
40:03 Sex
40:03:30 Nap
42:00 Sign my will. Buy
a $1,000,000,000 Life Insurance policy.
42:05 Delete my
internet history.
42:06 I make a final
blog post, listing my grievances against my enemies and thanking my friends.
42:15 I forgive my
enemies. They had their reasons for disliking me. I have to honor that.
43:00 We go out to
dinner. I’ll probably get steak.
44:45 Damn, it took a
long time for the bill to come.
45:00 Two large Frosty’s.
That F*cking no carb diet is out the door.
45:10 I gather my wife
and kids and my arms and hold them until the end comes.
45:25 My arms get tired
and we take a break.
46:00 We decide to put
on “The Princess Bride” and watch it until my time comes.
47:50 There’s just
enough time to watch the prologue of “The Royal Tenenbaums.”
47:55 A quick debate
about what was actually in the ball shaped present that Royal gave Margot. (It
was a ball!)
47:58 My regrets! So
many. And now at the end, they stand like an army before me, shouting taunts
and curses. In my last despair I look up, and there is my wife, her brilliance
destroys those countless demons and all that is left is pure light.
47:59 And then with one
minute left, my wife suffocates me with a pillow. “No one is taking this away
from me.”
