John is not a big man. He’s pushing 5’ 6”. But he can bench press about 250 pounds. He doesn’t have the mentality that he has to quadruple his size to make up for his stature. He’s just in really good shape. You’d never know with a quick glance that John is A: strong, B: quick as shit and C: knows a little bit about Tae Kwon Do. (John knows a little about Tae Kwon Do just like I know a little about pornography.) Sadly for a few dudes out there, they made the mistake of only taking a quick glance at John. Here are their mistakes as I have been told.
One fine evening in
John threw up his own hands (donut bag held firmly,) blocked the dude’s attempted shove and punched the guy squarely in the throat. The dude dropped to his knees, grasped his throat with both hands and gagged.
John was down in
His straight line took him down several back alleys. One such alley was two big buildings, back to back, with doorway alcoves lining the length. The alcoves were deep enough to hide a person. There was also enough room for that person to have a knife.
So a guy jumped out of the doorway with a knife, right in front of John. He held out his other hand and demanded John’s wallet. John kicked the knife out of the guy’s hand and then kicked him in the chin, knocking him down. Whoa… I am not lying here. Just like in the fucking movies. Let’s review the script:
This alley looks safe to me.
Give me your wallet.
I’m kicking the knife out of your hand.
Wow. You just kicked the knife out of my hand. Just
like in the movies!
Here comes the kick to the chin the knocks you down.
Yep. I’m flat on my back.
Now several blows to the face and head.
Yep. I’m severely beaten.
I have to describe the last bit of that in a joking manner because John let loose on the guy when he was down. I don’t feel bad at all for the guy, but John really thinks he hurt him. With that done, John walked back to the apartment.
Kinko’s Parking Guys
John needed a special envelope for something he was sending in the mail. He decided to stop at the Kinko’s on campus. There is some quick, illegal parking down an alley in an apartment complex just across from the Kinko’s. John drove down the alley and parked. As he walked down the alley towards the Kinko’s, two guys with mud and water all over their pants walked towards him. John’s not one for general observation and he neglected to notice the two guys or the large puddle next to the guys as he drove down the alley to park.
The first guy (the asshole) began to confront John about the accidental splashing. The second guy (the innocent by-stander) didn’t say much and we should all start feeling bad that he chose the asshole for a friend.Now, I know John and he would have immediately apologized and given the two guys $20 each if he was given an opportunity. But instead of giving John an opportunity to apologize, the asshole threw a punch at him. John blocked the swing and kicked the guy in the chin, knocking him down. Here’s where poorly choosing your friends gets you a kick in the knee. Innocent by stander friend got a kick to the knee and he went down. Guilt by association. As John watched the second guy fall, the asshole recovered and picked John up and body slammed him. It cracked his head into the pavement and made John angry. John bounced up and gave the guy a round house kick to the head that knocked him out. Sadly, innocent by stander guy decided to stand up and John gave him a punch to the head. Innocent by stander decided to fall back down. John walked back to his car. Envelope forgotten, John drove home.
John is actually embarrassed of these events. He feels bad for the
Of course, I could take him. Little fucker.
You write the funniest blogs...Thanks for the smile today...
I like to think of my blog as the sawdust of the log that is my soul.
I also like to think of it as a way to pick up chicks in New Jersey.
Doug, I love your blog and I AM your friend...
What a jerk!
He's your brother, asshole.
This reeks of bs
This is 100% true my friend.
The second post I've read on your site and the second one I've enjoyed enormously.
Then I noticed off to the right of the post that I'm going to save 50 percent on wedding dresses! This is awesome! Fine Silk and Satin Charming Design!
Oh god. Spontaneous laughter. ^^
You know how to tell a story.
"yep. i'm flat on my back."
"yep. i'm severely beaten."
hahhaha this guy is hilarious lol
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