Helpful Cooking Hints With HolyJuan: Butter

Butter is in every single recipe. If it is not in a recipe you are using, you are cooking incorrectly. Here's a simple trick I learned.

When using butter, they usually ask that you measure out the butter in tablespoons. Instead of getting out a an actual tablespoon and making a mess, use the stick of butter measuring lines.  I'm making mac and cheese and need 4 tablespoons of butter.

FIRST: Get out your stick of butter and notice the marked lines.


SECOND: Cut the lines until you get to the 4 TBSP mark.


THIRD: We only need the 4 TBSP, so throw out the other chunks.


FOURTH: Put the 4 TBSP in the recipe. Done and done!


Look for more Cooking with HolyJuan tips in the future!





The Tin Man Sighed

The Tin Man sighed. Most tin men would just squeak. Or make chittering noises as their parts rub together. When there were armies of tin men, poised in front of the giant forests of Oz, they would clatter with the anticipation of the chopping. Oh, the chopping. But that was long, long ago when there were many tin men. By the time you met the Tin Man, he was only one of the five that still stomped upon Oz. Now, he was the only one left.

When you first met the Tin Man, He was frozen in time. Rusted. He was rescued from his oxidized prison and later figured out that he was more than just tin and solder and oil. He had a heart. They called it a heart. I think you and I would call it a soul. He had reason to live. He had reason to be. And he didn't want to stop being.

When you last saw the Tin Man, he was saying good-bye to Dorothy . What you don’t know is that wasn't the last time he saw her. Twice she came back to Oz. Once because she was needed. The second time she never left. The Tin Man has only cried twice. One you know about. The second time you can probably guess. After that, he promised himself that he would never let his heart get in the way again.

The Tin Man never asked for anything, but the people of Oz asked for him to be a leader. They needed a hero and the Wizard had died long ago. The Tin Man never wanted to be powerful, but many needed him to be. Over time, he shed his tin and replaced it with titanium that they borrowed from the Kreuger King’s mines. Mining is like chopping trees, but with a pick and no fear of the dark. In his new skin he led the Great Army of Oz against the Darkness.

And he lost.

The Darkness devoured his army. Then it devoured everything on the surface of Oz. Then, with nothing left to consume, it ate itself. And then it was gone.

The Tin Man survived.  He had no flesh for The Darkness to eat. He had no warmth for The Darkness to absorb. He only had his metal skin and a watch for a heart and maybe a soul. Perhaps The Darkness ate his soul because the Tin Man felt like there was nothing left inside of him.

The Tin Man sighed.

Tin Men are patient.


And so the Tin Man, no longer tin and never really a man, waited.

Lynch / Stemen Art Show: A review

Art is easy. Take some stuff and rub it on some other stuff. Maybe add some yarn and burn one of the edges off. It’s art. Good job.


Art shows are tough. You take your burnt cornered yarn thing and you put it out for the public to see and you hope that people understand or appreciate or even just show up to look at it. Fortunately, the Lynch/Stemen show had no burnt yarn art, many visitors and a whole lot of appreciation.

The Lynch/Stemen Art Show was held on Friday October 18th, 2013 at It Looks Like It's Open Gallery in Clintonville. Tom Lynch and Jeffrey Stemen displayed their art on separate walls that met in the corner.  This was a very clever way of physically denoting that even while their styles are distinct and separate, their works were still connected. (Either that or Jeffrey did a layout in Illustrator and this was the only way all their work would fit in the space.)  Tom and Jeffrey work at the same design/build company and for this art show, some of their works are based on work conversations across the desks. A third wall had two white boards for guests to write their names or draw upon. (Click any photo to embiggen.) 

Pages from "Dig" -  Lynch

Tom Lynch is a professional illustrator working out of Columbus, OH. His displays included the artwork from his recent graphic story/comic “Dig, a large number of pen drawings, 
several color illustrations and even a flip book.  Tom’s work is very clever. He is able to portray specific emotion in all his characters’ faces and postures. Emotion that is clear, even if it is an exhausted boxing chicken 

or the Tin Man who’s wondering if maybe he was better without the heart.  I can’t see a scenario where Tom doesn't continue to succeed with his seemingly endless talent.





Jeffrey Stemen is an Ohio-born designer, writer and illustrator. Jeffrey displayed his storybook collection.
Each piece of art is crafted from the words and art that come from one book.
 Jeffrey said that once he gets an idea for a frame, he must scour his collection of books to gather the elements he needs to cut into pieces and reconfigure into his artwork.
I love how imaginative this is and Jeffrey’s determination to not stray from his rules.  You can see a running theme of video games in Jeffrey’s work while others portray childlike darkness.
Someday I will partner with Jeffrey on a project and you will all be jealous of me.


The Art Show was great show. I hope they make this a yearly tradition.

(More stuff below!)













Lynch / Stemen Art Show

On Friday, October 18th, local Columbus artists Tom Lynch and Jeffrey Stemen will be hosting an art show in Clintonville (https://www.facebook.com/lynch.stemen.) I was able to grab the two for a quick question and answer session.

Tell me about what I will see on Friday
Jeffrey:  You will see a lot of artwork, a lot of wine, and some cheese. The art work will be provided by me, and my art pal Tom Lynch. The idea of the art show came from discussion the two of us had about the love of characters and storytelling. We are both focusing on telling a story in the exhibit. His through a graphic novel/comic book approach and mine explores 24 pages from a variety of fictitious children's books from the 50s-80's.  Oh and I believe the wine and cheese idea also came from a discussion relating to what we should have on hand at the show for people to snack on. We decided on Trader Joes for that.

Should I wear a tux?
Tom: -YOU should, but people shouldn't feel the need to look fancy.
Jeffrey: You should wear two tuxes actually. The first may get stained with the awesomeness that will be flying off the art work in the gallery.

Tom, I saw that you inked a comic book recently.  How was that experience?
Tom: It was great. It was the first time I ever put that much effort into crafting a single idea. Finishing the comic gave me a true feeling of accomplishment that I haven't felt since I beat Sonic 3 on Sega Genesis.


Jeffrey, can I call you Jeffrey?
I actually go by Jeffrey.

What can we expect from you two in the future?
Tom: Right now I'm working on the next Issue of Dig, and a few freelance projects. Jeffrey is going to move to the wilds of Alaska to live off the land and commune with his spirit animal.
Jeffrey: Probably cleaning up the gallery and walking home. And then we’ll probably do another joint show next spring. I am already developing another style I’d like to explore more and then of course share in a gallery.



Let me know about your sponsors
PencilStorm.com is a group of freelance writers in the Columbus Music Scene and is highly entertaining. Colin from Watershed fame and Colin's Coffee runs it. Storyforest is a partnership between myself and Julie Standish and it’s another outlet for the reusing of old books and old materials. Winking Owl Studio is the Studio that developed Tom's Dig comic. Now that I think about it, a Storyforest sounds like a place a winking owl would live in. Winking Owl also sounds like a dirty sexual position. Pencil Storm does as well...hmmm...

This isn't going to be one of those art shows where some shaved head guy who thinks he’s a New York City DJ will be in a corner playing music, is it?
Jeffrey: Actually, that very person will be there. His name is Hugh. Prepare for his DJ skills to stain the other tux.
Tom: Hugh typically dresses as a west coast DJ.


The Lynch / Stemen Show is Friday  at 8:00 p.m. Where is this show being held? Will I be able to find parking?
Jeffrey: The show is being help at this really cool gallery in Clintonville at 13. E Tulane
Tom: -It is RIGHT next door to the Cup o Joe on Tulane and High. Parking seems to be typical street side parking.
Jeffrey: I actually prefer people to just jump out of their moving car in front of the gallery and just let the car park itself. You may need a third tuxedo though.




Tom Lynch is a professional Illustrator working out of Columbus, OH. He has made artwork for posters, t-shirts, playbills, albums, websites, and one time he painted a big bird on the side of his high school (legally). Right now he works at Roto, a full-service design and production firm specializing in first-hand experiences for museums and entertainment venues.


Jeffrey Stemen is an Ohio-born designer, writer, illustrator, whose art has been featured in such publications as the Columbus Dispatch, the L.A. Times and Boy's Life Magazine. He is currently a designer for award-winning design firm, Roto, in Dublin, Ohio. Freelance collaboration include Draw Me A Story with professional storyteller Julie Standish, as well as, Storyforest, which he hopes you will visit at www.etsy.com/shop/StoryForest.

Missing: Jock

Miss Sally ensures that Greg’s soccer gear is ready for practices and games the night before. This involves washing clothes and knowing where they should be found and where they will be found. Because of the complexity of this, I am usually not involved in the process outside of making sure he has the bag with him when we leave the house. Thursday morning I left early and there was a small miscommunication, so Greg’s soccer bag was not ready.  Greg was told to find own things (which I assume Miss Sally listed in alphabetical order) and put them in his bag. Then they were out the door. Later than evening, as he was putting his clothes on, it was hard not to notice the bright red game socks he was wearing and that they were not the plain old black ones. There was no time to change and so he got to run around for 90 minutes in the glory of looking different from the other boys.

When Miss Sally shared this story with me, I said that she would have hated me as a kid. Game days around our house were a combination of realizing there was a game at 5:00pm and not 6:30pm, wearing clothes that had just been pulled from the washer and spending a hectic 10 minutes trying to find an unfindable jock and cup.  One game afternoon, I was running through the house in a wet jersey seeking out my cup and jock.  It is quite possible that where ever that jock was lost 30 years ago, it is still there.

I did find my cup, but I still didn't have the jock with the pocket that the cup slides into. So I just shoved the cup in my underwear and we were out the door.

During most games, much of my time was spent on the bench. And when I was not on the bench or standing in left field, I was striking out, so there was very little chance of me having to do any running which might be uncomfortable with a cup up against my one strike and two balls.

But this day was different. For one, I started the game. I assume there were only six kids that showed up that day. While out in the field, I had the ball hit in my direction several times and after each interaction, I had to try and shove the cup back into position. It must have been pretty noticeable because my mom came down from the bleachers and told me to stop playing with myself in the field.

When my time came to bat, I hit the ball and got on first! The cup stayed in position. The next guy up whacked the ball and I went running to second. The cup decided to make a break for it and started to come out of my underwear and slide down my pant leg. I kept running to third. The cup got stuck by the elastic in my pant leg.  It looked like I had a third knee on my shin. I tried to pull it up and I was also trying to act nonchalant as if I was just dusting off my third knee, but it was really wedged in there and it might have looked like I was the one giving the signals to the batter to bunt. The third base coach asked me what I was doing and I told him my cup fell out. Fortunately he did not call for a time out to fix the issue and the inning ended with me on third base.

I told the head coach I did not have a jock and just had shoved the cup in my underwear.  I don’t think he laughed, but he did pull me from the game.


Here's to hoping that our kids inherit Miss Sally’s organizational skills. 

Writing is Hard



Writing is hard. It’s hard because there are many things I would rather do than write.

A list of things I would rather do than write:
Surf the web.
Play video games.
Look at porn.
Find some other colloquialism for “surf the web.”

But I love to write. I really do. It’s like the words make themselves up in between the time I start to think of them and when my fingers press the keys.

I once tried to “write” using voice recognition software. It was horrible. My voice doesn’t seem to have the same talent as my fingers. My voice is in the fourth grade. It doesn’t have a decent vocabulary. My problem is that I can’t think and talk at the same time. I think that’s why I cannot remember people’s names. I’m talking to fill in the awkward gaps of silence.

When I write, or rather type, there is no pause. The words seem to trickle out my fingers faster than my mind can follow. There’s just enough time for me to process and then type.
Honestly, I didn’t know this is what I would be writing about right now. I thought that I would be writing about fear and loneliness. But instead I’m actually talking about words per minute and voice recognition software and how my fingers magically can make words on a screen better than my own voice.

Back on topic… writing.

The first rule of writing is to not write about writing.
The second rule of writing is that if you are going to talk about writing, you’d better make it pretty fucking interesting.

I don’t write anymore. That’s pretty damn sad.

I don’t write anymore because it’s too hard or rather that not writing is too easy. I spend a lot of time on Twitter writing very simple 140 character phrases. That’s easy. It’s easy to be Fake Dispatch. It’s harder to be Holy Juan. On top of that, it’s especially hard to be Doug. No one wants to be Doug.

Can I tell you how great it is to write? What it feels like to put words on paper and know that I just need to wrap this up and hit publish for you to read them? It’s awesome.  But for some reason, I don’t do this as much.  I used to think it was because I ran out of stories. I think my stories ran out some time in 2007.

So, I’m going to wrap this up. If you are reading this, it is because you are a dedicated fan. I haven’t published anything worth reading in months and if you are still hanging on to my last word, thanks. Thanks, because now this is my new last word.

I’m hoping there will be more new last words.


Kid Runner

I always feel bad when I review a band because my taste in music is so poor that any band that I like is doomed to face the scrutiny of everyone who is aware of my Achilles ear.  But I will forego all of their scrutiny because I am very excited about the band Kid Runner.

First off, Kid Runner sounds like a hero from a 1980s video game. I dig that.

Just today, I decided to look into my friend Bobby’s band.  Way back in 2008, Bobby was in a band that I liked a good bit. They had  few songs that I liked and they showed a lot of promise, but they ended up splitting up when their lead singer converted to farmer.  His next band sucked and I gave up on him. When Bobby joined Kid Runner, I ignored it.

Man was I wrong.

Today I was able to listen to Kid Runner via Spotify.  I have not been so excited about a band since I saw Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos back in 2006.  They were playing at Victory’s tonight so I went to see them live.  For a band that leans on electricity, they sound great live. I’m not sure why I love the ting of a xylophone or dueling keyboards, but I do and Kid Runner has many opportunities for me to enjoy it.

I don’t know anything about the other band members, but I assume that I will in the near future.  For now I’ll describe them as the bearded bass guy, the bearded guitar guy, lead singer dude, Fran the other lead singer but also plays the xylophone girl and Bobby.

I am predicting big things for this group. While this means that we all might have to give up Bobby as he tours the county, I think we are all willing to sacrifice our time with him for his success.

Check them out:


Some commercial their song was featured in:

Band Names from Willie Wonka All Used Up

HOLLYWOOD (HJ) – With the release of the new pop band Snozberries Taste Like Snozberries’ debut album, “Lick It”, it has been officially announced that every single band name possible has been harvested from the 1971 film, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Sony Music Entertainment media spokesperson Marcy Stacks stated, “It’s a sad day for our creative division. They’ve been mining that movie since 1972 when “Edward and the Oompa-Loompas” released their first album.”

Many are familiar with such bands at Veruca Salt, Charlie Buckett, The Willy Wonkas, Vermicious Knids, The Golden Tickets, and Fizzy Lifting Drinks Five. But there have been many other bands that have borrowed their names from the film. Enough so that every single one of them has been used.

Some bands relied on the movie a lot more than others. In 1974, the Charlie Bucket Band formed. They soon broke up and reformed to become the Grandpa Joes. When the lead singer quit to form his own band, The Everlasting Gobstopper, the rest of the band members strove on and formed the Cheer Up Charlies only to break up a fortnight later and reform the next morning as the Scrumdidilyumptious Bars.

While Gene Wilder, Paramount Pictures and Peter Gardner Ostrum refused to comment, we did receive an e-mail from the I Said Good Day Sir! band insisting they got their band name from an argument over a package of crisps and not the Emmy winning film, though most believe that to be complete bunk.

How to show up late to work, leave early and get away with it.

It’s easy to show up late to work and leave early if you follow these simple tips.

Clandestine Closet

You’ll need to find a closet near the front door or secret side door where you can hide “late” supplies and hang your jacket. I suggest keeping a stack of papers or some blue prints in there. When you slide in late, hang up your coat so that people don’t see you with your jacket on. Grab a stack of stuff and complain about the Gibson account to whomever you see.


Computer On
Always leave your computer and monitor on. Disable the screen saver or make your screen saver a full sized image of an Excel spreadsheet. Make sure you keep several programs open. I know I’m going to Environmental Hell for this one, but a few dollars of electricity a week is totally worth the extra sleep you will get.


Double Coats/Sweatshirts
When you leave work at night (or hopefully in the early afternoon) leave a spare jacket or sweatshirt on the back of your chair. Turn the chair slightly out as if you just stood up and plan to come back. If you’re leaving early, people will think you are coming back. If you are showing up late, people will think you've beaten them to the office and are at an early meeting. This especially works well if your computer is on.


Call Your Desk Phone and Hang Up After One Ring

If your co-workers hear your phone ringing off the hook, they will know you are not at your desk. When you leave early for the day, call in to your desk and hang up. With a subliminal one or two rings every twenty minutes, your boss will think you are answering calls and running errands, you multi-tasker you!

Office Pool
If you are just rolling in at 10:00am and need to trick your boss into thinking that you have been in the office all morning, utilize the Office Pool. Get a box top from some copier paper and throw whatever change and bills you have in it. Make sure you have a pen and piece of paper with writing on it (bonus points for a clipboard.) Pop in your boss’ office and tell him you are collecting money for Betty in Custodial’s pregnancy and that he is the last one on the list. Your boss will pretend like they know about Betty’s bastard child and wish her the best. “Check” his name off the list and say you will give your best to Betty. Spend boss’ cash later that afternoon at the bar with a toast to Betty’s soon-to-be-announced and soon-to-be-office-pool-money-collected miscarriage.

Copier Problems
Having a small bag of toner around can be useful for staging a “copier blow-up.” As you get into work, rub some on your face and sprinkle some on your hidden stash of papers. Make sure you ask if anyone has seen the copier guy. You can spend hours searching for the right “Drum and Blade Kit.”

Trick Away E-mail
Your e-mail probably has an “away” setting in which a return e-mail message is sent out during times when you are on an actual vacation. I suggest creating a fake email that makes it look like your email was bounced back to the sender. Something like:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

Unable to deliver message to the following recipients {your email address here}, because the message was forwarded more than the maximum allowed times. This could indicate a mail loop.

Change your settings so that this e-mail is sent out to every email, every time. Make sure you invite the IT guy out to get drinks so that he has your back.

Faux Work Keys
You know all those keys you have in the kitchen drawer? Spend 99 cents on a package of colorful key organizational toppers and create a ring of keys that looks official. Leave them on your desk. If they get stolen, no problem! Otherwise, people will assume you are at the office and locked in a utility closet on the second floor. Besides, everyone knows that people who have keys are important.

The Call In
Ensure that on your desk is a red file marked “Princeton Account.” Fill it with some official bullshit paperwork. If you are running late, call in to your boss’ secretary and have them “look up” some information in that folder for a meeting you are at. Make sure you whisper in the phone like you just stepped out of said meeting. Also make sure there is a twenty dollar bill in the very back of it in case you need to bribe the secretary into reading the same bullshit document for the fourth time.

Full Cup of Coffee
No one, not even the laziest person, will leave a full cup of coffee at their desk. Take the top off your Starbucks so that the fullness is apparent. For the very clever, make a fake whipped topping with some insulation foam and white paint. Stick it on top the coffee for added effect. With that sitting on your desk, everyone stopping by will assume you have just stepped away.

Invite!
Quit being a chump and sneaking around the office! Invite everyone out for a 3:00pm drink at the local bar. Buy the first round. Be a hero. Then, fake a phone call from your sick aunt and get the hell away from your stuck up co-workers.