I know there are obvious people you should not fuck with; Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, ninjas, drunken pirates. This is a lesser known list of people you just should not mess with.
Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.
People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.
Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.
Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!
Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.
Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.
Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)
People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.
People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.
$6,744 in electronics and a what?
I read this in the Wednesday 18th, 2007 Westerville News and Public Opinion paper. I'm sure the lettuce was all part of his master plan.
Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem
Dear HolyJuan,
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
Scientist Plans for Frozen Noah’s Ark
Source
Belgian scientist Dr. Mark Drascht believes the Earth is doomed. “Whether by global warming or cooling, nuclear terrorism or just plain stupidity, we are all going to be dead in the next 100 years.”
When the world is wiped clean, Dr. Drascht doesn’t want our history to be destroyed as well. Dr. Drascht is creating a time capsule, and it is not just your basic newspaper, deck of playing cards and Twinkies in a concrete box either. He’s creating a frozen, biological “life capsule,” so that future alien space explorers can find us and perhaps revive our species.
“It’s a kind of frozen Noah’s Ark. I’ve even included doves and an olive tree!”
Dr. Drascht has plans to collect over two hundred mammals and birds, sixty reptiles and six hundred plant species for his life capsule. “Timing is very important. We can only afford to make one trip to the South Pole, and the animals and plants must be frozen alive at the site. It’s one hell of a coordination feat.”
Using data from the past 200 years, Dr. Drascht has located a spot 100 miles from the South Pole that he believes will remain frozen for the next 10,000 years. “Plate tectonics in that area will continue to rotate around the pole. This exact spot will allow our specimens to remain at sub-zero temperatures for the next ten millennia. Basically, it is a maintenance-free freezer.”
Dr. Drascht will transport all the living biological specimens to Antarctica, where they will be flash frozen alive and placed into the life capsule. “We are actually going to use the animals and two human specimens to help dig the area necessary for the life capsule. We’ve been working on training the animals for the dig. We’ve modified elk horns and squirrels’ teeth to assist with digging in the rock hard ice. For the humans, we've procured a number of high-tech digging tools, including two highly-modified Garden Weasels (tm) originally designed for the military.”
There seems to be an endless supply of males who are willing to be flash frozen alive. Finding women who want to be frozen alive is a bit more difficult for Dr. Drascht. “I’ve received applications from two women. One was 75 years old, and the other woman was over 125 kilos (275 pounds.) We’d need to carve a larger hole in the ice for that type of specimen!”
The original plan for the life capsule has changed over the years, but Dr. Drascht is still hopeful. “We originally planned on separate ice caverns for each type of specimen, but the budget has deemed otherwise.” Dr. Drascht’s team will now dig just one hole or “life pit” and place all the specimens in one space. According to Drascht, the biggest challenge will be to quickly freeze the animal specimens before the carnivores eat the herbivores. "The plan is to ensure that all the predators are very well fed prior to being placed into the life pit. I’m considering feeding the animals with protein infused pages from a set of encyclopedias so the future autopsies will reveal a summation of Earth’s history."
One other hole will be used for the “Demise Database” equipment. Drascht is not looking to preserve technology, but rather to create an historical database, so that alien space travelers will know why the planet became devoid of life forms. “At the life pit, we are setting up a satellite internet connection and a printer. Once a week, we will download and print the contents of cnn.com and one random site, pornography excluded, so that we can have a hard copy of Earth’s demise.” There are obvious technological issues with electronics at the South Pole, but printing in sub-zero temperatures won’t be a problem. “We’ve mixed the printer ink with a jellyfish-based anti-freeze. It keeps the ink from freezing and really stretches out our ink inventory. That printer ink is expensive!”
Dr. Drascht is justifiably excited about the earth's imminent demise. "It's all too much, really. I just wish the dinosaurs had possessed brains bigger than peas so that they could have created life capsules to clue us in on their extinction."
Belgian scientist Dr. Mark Drascht believes the Earth is doomed. “Whether by global warming or cooling, nuclear terrorism or just plain stupidity, we are all going to be dead in the next 100 years.”
When the world is wiped clean, Dr. Drascht doesn’t want our history to be destroyed as well. Dr. Drascht is creating a time capsule, and it is not just your basic newspaper, deck of playing cards and Twinkies in a concrete box either. He’s creating a frozen, biological “life capsule,” so that future alien space explorers can find us and perhaps revive our species.
“It’s a kind of frozen Noah’s Ark. I’ve even included doves and an olive tree!”
Dr. Drascht has plans to collect over two hundred mammals and birds, sixty reptiles and six hundred plant species for his life capsule. “Timing is very important. We can only afford to make one trip to the South Pole, and the animals and plants must be frozen alive at the site. It’s one hell of a coordination feat.”
Using data from the past 200 years, Dr. Drascht has located a spot 100 miles from the South Pole that he believes will remain frozen for the next 10,000 years. “Plate tectonics in that area will continue to rotate around the pole. This exact spot will allow our specimens to remain at sub-zero temperatures for the next ten millennia. Basically, it is a maintenance-free freezer.”
Dr. Drascht will transport all the living biological specimens to Antarctica, where they will be flash frozen alive and placed into the life capsule. “We are actually going to use the animals and two human specimens to help dig the area necessary for the life capsule. We’ve been working on training the animals for the dig. We’ve modified elk horns and squirrels’ teeth to assist with digging in the rock hard ice. For the humans, we've procured a number of high-tech digging tools, including two highly-modified Garden Weasels (tm) originally designed for the military.”
There seems to be an endless supply of males who are willing to be flash frozen alive. Finding women who want to be frozen alive is a bit more difficult for Dr. Drascht. “I’ve received applications from two women. One was 75 years old, and the other woman was over 125 kilos (275 pounds.) We’d need to carve a larger hole in the ice for that type of specimen!”
The original plan for the life capsule has changed over the years, but Dr. Drascht is still hopeful. “We originally planned on separate ice caverns for each type of specimen, but the budget has deemed otherwise.” Dr. Drascht’s team will now dig just one hole or “life pit” and place all the specimens in one space. According to Drascht, the biggest challenge will be to quickly freeze the animal specimens before the carnivores eat the herbivores. "The plan is to ensure that all the predators are very well fed prior to being placed into the life pit. I’m considering feeding the animals with protein infused pages from a set of encyclopedias so the future autopsies will reveal a summation of Earth’s history."
One other hole will be used for the “Demise Database” equipment. Drascht is not looking to preserve technology, but rather to create an historical database, so that alien space travelers will know why the planet became devoid of life forms. “At the life pit, we are setting up a satellite internet connection and a printer. Once a week, we will download and print the contents of cnn.com and one random site, pornography excluded, so that we can have a hard copy of Earth’s demise.” There are obvious technological issues with electronics at the South Pole, but printing in sub-zero temperatures won’t be a problem. “We’ve mixed the printer ink with a jellyfish-based anti-freeze. It keeps the ink from freezing and really stretches out our ink inventory. That printer ink is expensive!”
Dr. Drascht is justifiably excited about the earth's imminent demise. "It's all too much, really. I just wish the dinosaurs had possessed brains bigger than peas so that they could have created life capsules to clue us in on their extinction."
Shrimp Attack! Re-release
I may be the second worst promoter ever.
Shrimp Attack! is going to be officially re-released some time this week. Or next week. At least I think it was going to be in July. Of 2007.
Read me writing about Shrimp Attack! here.
Check out Shrimp Attack! on here. at myspace.com/shrimpattackcd.
You can also hear the full album on last.fm .
And if you want to buy a limited edition CD that is bound to win a Grammy, check out innova Recordings.
Shrimp Attack! is going to be officially re-released some time this week. Or next week. At least I think it was going to be in July. Of 2007.
Read me writing about Shrimp Attack! here.
Check out Shrimp Attack! on here. at myspace.com/shrimpattackcd.
You can also hear the full album on last.fm .
And if you want to buy a limited edition CD that is bound to win a Grammy, check out innova Recordings.
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