Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend

Dear HolyJuan,

I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.

I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.

After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.

I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”

I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”

After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.

So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

Dear Sleepy Scott,

This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.

Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?

Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.

Love,

HolyJuan

PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.

Seven things you can do to help your relationship

Here are seven tips to help keep your relationship happy and healthy.

Write it down
If you have something to say, say it on paper. Write down your feelings and issues. Sort them out, get rid of the anger and construct a valid statement. Then sit them down at the kitchen table and say it. DO NOT GIVE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER A NOTE – unless you are dumping them, then you can leave a note.

Don’t internet cheat
If you are having an affair on line, you are in a very, very, deep, darkish dark grey area. Internet relationships are just practice for cheating in real life. Thought I think the only place that men and women can actually be friends is on the internet, if you start thinking that a relationship via the internet is harmless, you are mistaken. Some internet forums are a great place to seek advice and to anonymously get issues off your chest. But when you start innocently flirting and it progresses, your real relationship will suffer. It will suffer even more when your spouse uses your AIM logs and e-mails in court.

Do stuff together– on a schedule
I hate to say this, but “date night” works. When my buddies say they can’t go out drinking because they have date night, I can’t help but roll my eyes and start throwing out the manly insults. Of course, when it’s my date night and my buddies call and start to chide me, I tell them they are insensitive and do not understand how a good relationship works.

Sex is also great on a schedule. You and your spouse should work out one day a week that you decide to have sex. Of course, Miss Sally will get into bed and I will say, “It’s Have Sex Tuesday!” And Miss Sally will say, “But wasn’t last night Have Sex Monday?” That’s when I reach under the bed and pull out the calendar marked “Tuesday” that has all the Tuesdays marked with a red circle. Just don’t let your significant other look under the bed and see the other six calendars.

Say it on a daily basis
“You are pretty.”
“I like that shirt on you.”
“You look great.”
“I miss you.”
“Have a good day.”
“You smell great.”
“That was a nice dinner.”
“Kiss me.”
“I love you.”

Get away. But not too far away
I am a big fan of guys night out. I am also a fan of wife night out. It’s good for both individuals in the relationship to have other friends and other hobbies that can get them away for a few hours. Just make sure that you balance that time with your own time together. Miss Sally bought me an anniversary card that read, “My husband and I go out two nights a week. He goes out on Thursdays and I go out on Saturdays.” Sadly, I need to take my own advice on this one.

If you do get involved in a hobby, ensure that it does not take up all your time or involve Team Fortress 2 or World of Warcraft. Those are relationship killers.

Exercise
This one is the hardest of all for me, but it’s probably the smartest of all the suggestions listed here. Exercise keeps you healthy. Makes you better in the sack. Keeps off the pounds. Make you look good. Keeps you alive for longer so that you can spend more time with the ones you love. It makes you feel good.

I, of course, do not exercise because I fear that if I get any better looking, it will actually threaten my marriage with all the chicks noticing me. For the sanctity of my marriage, I’ll hold off from working out. I will make this sacrifice for love.

Massage
I can guarantee that if you make time for massage, you will get laid. If you don’t know how to massage, buy a book. It is a very intimate and a relationship building opportunity. And did I mention you can guarantee sex? Because you will definitely get some action. And if the guys are not into getting a massage, I would highly suggest the B for B or Rub and Tug. That’s where the man gives the woman a back rub and the woman gives the guy a back rub except that you replace the phrase “woman gives a backrub” with “woman gives a blowjob.”

Ask HolyJuan: The Perfect Job

Dear Holy Juan,
You seem to be all knowing, so tell me, how can I find the perfect job that pays great, the people are friendly, office politics don't exist, the commute is short, the hours are 10 to 5p and the dress code is casual?

Thanks for your insight!

Desperately Seeking Employment

Dear Desperately Seeking Employment,

First off, let me console you on the loss of your job at the Baby Seal Fur Processing Facility #23. I know you started as a humble Club Duller and worked your way up to Club Duller 3.

It’s tough finding the PERFECT job. But I can help you. Let’s look at you "perfect" job specifics:

1. Pays Great
I assume you will be wanting to make $100,000 plus a year.

2. Friendly People
This is impossible, so you will need to work alone or have your personality removed.

3. No office politics
Again, work alone.

4. Short commute
A short commute to me means about 45 – 60 seconds.

5. Hours are 10 – 5
A seven hour work day? Don’t kid yourself. Most people only get in 4 – 5 hours of office face time and two of that is lunch and coffee breaks. Subtract internet surfing and most people work about 30 minutes a day. Well mark you down from 2:00pm – 2:30pm.

6. Casual Dress Code
To me, casual is nude.

OK. Let’s throw all these variables into the HolyJuan Career-o-Matic and see what it spits out.

(chink-a-chink-a-chink-a-chink)

YOUR CAREER **BLOGGER**

Awesome! That’s my career too!

Good luck with that and let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.

Send all "Ask HolyJuan" questions to holyjuan@gmail.com