What if Jesus was a woman?

Chief Justice Roberts Gets a Visitor

Not Everything Dad Said was True

My father is a smart guy. He’s an engineer and chock full stories that I always took as the gospel truth. While I look back fondly on those endless conversations, it turns out that some of the stories that I took as if from the mouth of God, were wrong. Let’s see what dad said and how it stacks up to the facts.

Here’s what Dad said:

Out of every five miles of interstate, there will be at least one mile that is straight so that planes can land during war time.
Answer: false

Dad said that Eisenhower, being a war guy, had the foresight to see the need for planes landing in out of the way places or in an emergency. Sadly, this is just an urban legend .

The military got fiber optic technology off the ground
Answer: not really
Dad said nuclear bombs create Electro Magnetic Pulses which knock out electronic circuits. Fiber optics were developed by the military to communicate with their nuclear missiles so that even if we got hit first, our missiles would still be able to be launched. The only thing I found on this was that “In 1975, the United States Government decided to link the computers in the NORAD headquarters at Cheyenne Mountain using fiber optics to reduce interference.” So, yes he’s right, but fiber optics had many other possible uses and researchers working on it way before 1975. Though I’m sure having the military throw almost endless money at a technology can’t hurt.

You can never get all the oil out of an oil can
Answer: partially true
With enough time and patients, you could get every last drop of oil out of a can. I believe dad’s lesson was to know when to balance time against money. At some point, you begin to lose the value of using all the oil in the can as you endlessly watch that spider web thin stream of oil flow out. More advice than fact, but I’ll give him credit.

During World War 2, The Japanese soldiers were awful bastards
Answer: true
True in as much as you can call an entire group of people awful bastards. As a child, I was familiar with Japanese culture only through Godzilla and samurais. Dad would speak at length of the atrocities that were committed to POWs and especially the Chinese. I didn’t really believe him. Turns out he was right. But, as he also said, we bombed them back into civility.

We bombed the Japanese back into civility
Answer: kinda true
But only by anecdotal evidence. Article 9 of the 1947 US enforced Japanese Constitution did not allow them to build the armies capable of waging war. Through nuclear bombs, we also allowed the creation of Godzilla which protects their sovereign shores.

Glass is a solid
Answer: true!!
I remember seeing old panes of glass that were thicker on the bottom that at the top. Someone told be that is because glass is a very thick liquid and over time it will flow due to the pull of gravity. Dad said that was nonsense. He was right.

The flag raisers on Iwo Jima were all American Indians
Answer: 5/6th false or 1/6th true
Ira Hayes was the only Native American that helped to raise the flag in the historic photo. Now dad also said that the historic photo was actually the second flag to go up. The first was taken down and replaced with a larger flag. He was right about that!

Bridges over interstates are built to an exact height so that ICMBs on the back of tractor trailers can fit underneath
Answer: 99% right and 1% undecided
I thought that dad was blowing some smoke here, but he was right. My assumption is that the bridges would be built to a certain height and then the military would figure out a way to go under them. I just read on the Federal Highway Administration site that all interstate bridges need to be 16.07 feet tall in coordination with the Department of Defense. Matt Rosenburg at about.com says differently and I contacted him with a very terse letter that went something like this: MY DAD IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG!!! My dad could so kick his dad's ass.

There once was a diet pill where you would eat a tapeworm to lose weight
Answer: Undetermined

Want to lose weight? Take this pill. Want to stop losing weight? Take the second pill. Dad said the first pill had a tapeworm in it. The second pill had the medicine to kill the tapeworm in it. Here what Snopes.com has to say about it.






















Henry Ford used shipping crates to build his Model T
Answer: true??
Dad said that Henry Ford would have his suppliers ship him product in crates with very specific dimensions. Odd dimensions with holes and cut outs in odd places. The directions were very specific and contractors, not wanting to lose business, built the crates without question. Then at the Ford factory, these specialty designed crates were emptied of their contents, disassembled and installed into Model Ts as floorboards. I’ve seen anecdotal evidence of this, but not any proof. I’ll give Pa this one.

Overall, Dad did pretty good. I’m sure he’d argue that he was right on most of these or that I wasn’t listening to what he really said. Then the conversation would drift to the Korean War and where he got that rash from deep in the jungle.

After Death Chart UPDATED!

Ann and Doug at the Newport Aquarium

It's not really that Ann is so beautiful. It's just that she makes all other children look ugly.

TSA: Newest Security Warning

How to Write a Kick Ass Obituary

Most obituaries are really not all that good. The worst part about them is that you are usually never around to read your own and see what a great person you were. Here are some great ideas if you want an exciting obituary that everyone will enjoy reading. As a bonus, you can get even with the people that made fun of you in high school.

1. Write your own obituary
It is imperative that you write your own obituary or have a trusted friend do it BEFORE you die. If you do not, your Aunt (who has her own blog and fancies herself as a “writer”) will type it up and it will suck and you’ll be stuck with an awful obituary.

Once you do finishing writing your own obit, make sure you send a draft copy out to your family and friends so that they can miss you while you are still alive. They will also have the opportunity to pay to be included in the obituary (see section #5) or pay to be excluded from the obituary (see section #8.)

2. Don't give them the satisfaction
Most people will suggest you start off an obit with the person’s name, the date they died and how they died. I suggest you start off with “You are not going to believe this!” or “Guess what that fat f*ck Bob did now” or “You were right.” Don't include your age so that your friends don't get the satisfaction of outliving you.

3. Doug who?
No one knows you by your real name so why die by that name? Nicknames that were used independently of your name go in quotation marks in the middle of your real name.

Robert “Stacks” Gutfruend

Joan “Cookie Monster” McCreedy

Nicknames that were part of your job or the reason you went to jail go before your real name:

“Handsy” Jim Handland

“Luscious Diamond” Tina Ralph

“Tea-Bag” Bill Billingsworth

Or if you don’t want anyone to know you died, just post a fake nickname.

John “Two-Sack” Christopher

If you didn’t have a nickname in real life, make sure you make one up or tell your obit writer your suggestions before you die. And don’t post your middle name. We’re not monogramming a sweater here.

4. Rhyming and haikus make for great obituaries

I suggest trying them together.

You smoked like a fire
Now you're atop a pyre
No flowers please, Thanks!

5. No one cares
No one cares about who died before you or how many cousins you have that are still alive. If your relatives want in your obit, charge them $5 - $10 a mention.

No one cares where you went to school or where you didn’t graduate from. List your favorite bars or hang outs. People are more likely to remember Johnny “Cantaloupes” Mullroy from the bowling alley, rather than a graduate of Lancaster High School class of 1990. (Go Gales!)

6. People like excitement
Don’t die of cancer. Die of a space borne alien parasite.

Don’t die in a car accident. Get hit by a meteorite.

Die a hero (stolen from Royal Tennebaums) "Died Tragically Rescuing his Family From the Wreckage of a Destroyed Sinking Battleship."

7. Get donations now
There are services that will “loan’ you a lump sum of money now and get that money back when you die through the donation process as suggested in the obituary. The loan companies have names like, “The Amerikan Heart Foundation” and “The Redd Cross” and “Amway.” At the bottom of your obit, have money sent to them in lieu of flowers. If you can’t come up with enough donations to cover your loan, they will take your suit/dress, coffin and body parts to make up the difference.

8. Let those jerks have it
An Obituary is the perfect time to get back at all the people who have pissed you off your entire life. Being dead is the perfect cover for a lie or to let out a really stinky truth. Here are a few examples:

-I never loved you (insert family member’s name here.)

Coach Rogers touched me on my pee pee after baseball practice.

-I had herpes. Now I have worms.

-Aunt Tina, I was and always will be a Red Sox fan.

-My G-mail and MySpace password is clicktowin34. Go ahead and read my e-mails, honey.

This is also a perfect opportunity for relatives to make “pre-donations” to be excluded from this portion of the obituary.

Here is my Obituary, just so you know:

Doug “Holyjuan” Messerschmit

Well, you can all stop placing your bets. Doug is dead. You won’t see him at B-Hampton’s or at Skully’s anymore, but you can see him Ray’s Funeral Home this Wednesday from 6 – 8pm. The parts of his body that were not destroyed when he dove on top the improvised nuclear device and thus saved the city will be on display. HolyJuan liked to dance poorly, drink quickly, tell the same stories and flirt with the ladies. He owned two bowling shirts and 12 pairs of Converse. He is survived by his parents ($20) and one sister ($5.) Donations can be made to the American Kancer Society and my brother used to stick Legos in my butt while I slept.

Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca

Dear HolyJuan,

Just what the heck is tapioca?

Sincerely,

Puddin'


Dear Puddin’,

I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”

I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”

This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.

The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.

Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!

I hope this answers your question!

Signed,

HolyJuan

{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}

Where's the fire?

Odds

People You Should Not F*ck With

I know there are obvious people you should not fuck with; Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, ninjas, drunken pirates. This is a lesser known list of people you just should not mess with.

Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Guaranteed, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.

Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.

(I would like the Scientologists know that the above bit was written via thought typing by Perez Hilton and that HolyJuan cannot be made responsible for his/her opinion.)

People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.

Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.

Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!

Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.

Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)

People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.

People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.

INTERVIEW DAY

Click to enlarge

$6,744 in electronics and a what?

I read this in the Wednesday 18th, 2007 Westerville News and Public Opinion paper. I'm sure the lettuce was all part of his master plan.

Ann likes it when Greg hits the ball

Al Qaeda Organizational Chart (revised since the #2 guy was captured)

Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem

Dear HolyJuan,

I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!

My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.

Can you help?

Signed,

Air of Unhappiness

Dear Air,

My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.

Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!

I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.

BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.

Best of Luck!

Signed,

HolyJuan

{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}

New White House Press Room

{CLICK TO ENLARGE}

What Road Signs Really Mean

Here is a listing of road/traffic signs and what they really mean.


Short Cut
Many of us know this as “No Through Trucks,” but it really means “This is a short-cut to somewhere else.” Truckers know the quickest routes from point A to point B and neighborhoods get mad when trucks short-cut through their streets. The neighbors will clamor for the city to erect signs that politely ask the trucks not to come through, but at the same time give everyone else a clear marking for a short-cut. Thanks, suckers!



Crash Into Me
This is a directional warning sign. It tells you that there is imminent danger on one side of the sign and safety on the other. But which side is which? The safe side is the one where the black and yellow stripes point down. (In this case, the safe side is the left side. I think.) By the time you do the visual math in your head it is going to be too late. It’s best to play it safe and ram you car straight into the sign. Sure, your car is totaled, but it beats falling off a cliff. There is also no guarantee that the road worker dude installed the sign correctly. Until they start putting arrows on these signs, play it safe and ram it.



Snakes Following Your Car
This one is obvious, but I had to include it.



Left Hand Turn with Attitude
A U-turn is just an extended left hand turn. If you take the same precautions with a U-turn as a left hand turn, plus the additional lookout for traffic turning into you, U-turns should not be outlawed. In Ohio they are illegal, but only when you get caught. I would suggest the you explain to the officer pulling you over that you were making a left hand turn and got carried away. Ohio cops are pretty jovial.



Deer Jumping Over Your Car
My problem with this sign is that it fools you into thinking that the deer is jumping over the road and harmlessly over your car. I can see why any average driver would think that with the scale of this sign. Let’s take the car from the “Snakes Following Your Car” sign and put it on the “Deer Jumping Over Your Car” sign.

See! Right over the top. They need to make the sign with the deer standing in the middle of the road, staring dumbly straight at you, which is exactly what you see right before you hit a deer.



Please, Please, Please Go This Slow
If you see a yellow speed limit sign, it is just a speed suggestion. Some worry wart at the Division of Transportation will sleep soundly tonight, knowing that his road will be suggestively safer due to his request that you please go slower. I suggest going the posted speed limit and as you lose control of your car, aim for the little yellow sign.



Please Let Me In / Get Out of My Way
Yield is the only sign that has two completely different meanings depending on what angle you are looking at it from. If I am the one yielding, it means that I need to speed up to engage the traffic and slip into the stream of cars that will kindly allow me to merge into the happy community of commuters. On the other hand, if you are yielding to me, this sign means that you need to come to a complete stop to gain entry into MY lane. You are my bitch. Get behind me. Don’t try to speed up and sneak in because I can LEGALLY run you off the road. Bitch.



Don’t Be Polite
This looks like a normal four-way stop sign. It is actually the lurking place of people who think they are being nice. If you are the first one at a four-way stop sign, you get to go through the intersection first. If two people show up at the exact same time, the person to the right of you goes first (and you might be the person on the right so get moving.) If four people show up at the same time, it's every man for himself. But sometimes, you’ll be the second one to an intersection, and Mr. Nice Guy will want to let you go first. If you think you are being a good neighbor by letting someone go in front of you, you are mucking up the whole system. STOP IT. These “do-gooders” are just asking for an accident, waving their hand and smiling. Your job is to sit and wait for them to comply with the rules of the four way stop. Soon, they will begin to frown and wave their hand frantically. Finally, in disgust, they will peel out and shake their fist as they go by. I hate do-gooders.



You Are Lost
If you see this sign, you are lost. Immediately turn around and consult your Mapquest directions. Again.

Scientist Plans for Frozen Noah’s Ark

Source

Belgian scientist Dr. Mark Drascht believes the Earth is doomed. “Whether by global warming or cooling, nuclear terrorism or just plain stupidity, we are all going to be dead in the next 100 years.”

When the world is wiped clean, Dr. Drascht doesn’t want our history to be destroyed as well. Dr. Drascht is creating a time capsule, and it is not just your basic newspaper, deck of playing cards and Twinkies in a concrete box either. He’s creating a frozen, biological “life capsule,” so that future alien space explorers can find us and perhaps revive our species.

“It’s a kind of frozen Noah’s Ark. I’ve even included doves and an olive tree!”

Dr. Drascht has plans to collect over two hundred mammals and birds, sixty reptiles and six hundred plant species for his life capsule. “Timing is very important. We can only afford to make one trip to the South Pole, and the animals and plants must be frozen alive at the site. It’s one hell of a coordination feat.”

Using data from the past 200 years, Dr. Drascht has located a spot 100 miles from the South Pole that he believes will remain frozen for the next 10,000 years. “Plate tectonics in that area will continue to rotate around the pole. This exact spot will allow our specimens to remain at sub-zero temperatures for the next ten millennia. Basically, it is a maintenance-free freezer.”



Dr. Drascht will transport all the living biological specimens to Antarctica, where they will be flash frozen alive and placed into the life capsule. “We are actually going to use the animals and two human specimens to help dig the area necessary for the life capsule. We’ve been working on training the animals for the dig. We’ve modified elk horns and squirrels’ teeth to assist with digging in the rock hard ice. For the humans, we've procured a number of high-tech digging tools, including two highly-modified Garden Weasels (tm) originally designed for the military.”

There seems to be an endless supply of males who are willing to be flash frozen alive. Finding women who want to be frozen alive is a bit more difficult for Dr. Drascht. “I’ve received applications from two women. One was 75 years old, and the other woman was over 125 kilos (275 pounds.) We’d need to carve a larger hole in the ice for that type of specimen!”

The original plan for the life capsule has changed over the years, but Dr. Drascht is still hopeful. “We originally planned on separate ice caverns for each type of specimen, but the budget has deemed otherwise.” Dr. Drascht’s team will now dig just one hole or “life pit” and place all the specimens in one space. According to Drascht, the biggest challenge will be to quickly freeze the animal specimens before the carnivores eat the herbivores. "The plan is to ensure that all the predators are very well fed prior to being placed into the life pit. I’m considering feeding the animals with protein infused pages from a set of encyclopedias so the future autopsies will reveal a summation of Earth’s history."

One other hole will be used for the “Demise Database” equipment. Drascht is not looking to preserve technology, but rather to create an historical database, so that alien space travelers will know why the planet became devoid of life forms. “At the life pit, we are setting up a satellite internet connection and a printer. Once a week, we will download and print the contents of cnn.com and one random site, pornography excluded, so that we can have a hard copy of Earth’s demise.” There are obvious technological issues with electronics at the South Pole, but printing in sub-zero temperatures won’t be a problem. “We’ve mixed the printer ink with a jellyfish-based anti-freeze. It keeps the ink from freezing and really stretches out our ink inventory. That printer ink is expensive!”

Dr. Drascht is justifiably excited about the earth's imminent demise. "It's all too much, really. I just wish the dinosaurs had possessed brains bigger than peas so that they could have created life capsules to clue us in on their extinction."

Shrimp Attack! Re-release

I may be the second worst promoter ever.

Shrimp Attack! is going to be officially re-released some time this week. Or next week. At least I think it was going to be in July. Of 2007.

Read me writing about Shrimp Attack! here.

Check out Shrimp Attack! on here. at myspace.com/shrimpattackcd.

You can also hear the full album on last.fm .

And if you want to buy a limited edition CD that is bound to win a Grammy, check out innova Recordings.