Moving is highly underrated. Both in time and treasure. I’ve helped several friends to move and here’s what I’ve noticed that you should consider before moving.
0.5 The PLAN
(It’s best to have the PLAN in the #0.5 spot so that you can sneak up on the #1 item.)
Create a PLAN for the move. Write it down. Stick to it. Even if you are wrong, because once people begin to doubt you, they’ll start to argue and that is a time suck. Be willing to take advice, but don’t let anyone tell you what to do. This is why you do not invite your dad to the move.
1. Packing takes 20% longer than expected
OK, you’ve heard this before, but no matter how you plan, packing will take 20% longer. Even after you read this, you might think, “I’ll just increase the time by 20%.” Wrong. Because it will take 20% longer than that. It’s a losing proposition. It is in your best interest to schedule five hours to pack so that it will only take six. (And don’t think you can plan on five minutes of moving so that it will take six. Fate is not stupid.)
2. Pack Everything
Put as much as you can in boxes. It makes packing the truck so much easier. Leave stuff in drawers if you want, but make sure you cover with cardboard and tape. Take this opportunity to throw out all your lamps. They are hard to pack and just not worth your time. DO NOT PACK THINGS IN SUITCASES. It is a well know fact that suitcases are the number one item that get lost both at the airport and in a move.
3. Don’t Pack Everything
Screw that last bit. Take the time to get rid of stuff. Have your friends take stuff. Call the local charity that will haul it away. Put it on the curb so the local junk-truck-guy can come by and take the good stuff. Especially those lamps.
4. Color Code
In the end, you will be much happier will all your crap in well marked, color coded boxes You can write the details of the box in small letters, but use large words or color to help guide the unpackers to the room they need to go. The night before the move, go to the new house and make signs with arrows. Color code rooms and doors. This will alleviate you standing at the front door of the new house, blocking the door deciding what the hell you were thinking last night when you wrote KT BT 9 FR on the box.
5. Rent the bigger truck
Rent the biggest truck you can get your hands on. Find a friend with a Commercial Driver’s License if you have to. Two trips SUCKS. Spend the extra money because you will save it in the end with mileage and time.
6. You can have too many people to help
It’s easy to understand that if you are the only one moving your furniture, you are screwed. But is it possible to have too many people? YES. One of my favorite economics terms is “diminishing returns.” It basically means that the more people you throw at a job, at some point, the amount of work that can get done is reduced. When you have too many people standing around, they will have the time to stop and criticize your PLAN. If you invite too many people to help, divide them up into smaller teams for continued packing, labeling, cleaning, lifting or send some over to the new place to get rid of them. Have them buy the beer and put it into the new refrigerator. Part of your PLAN should be a list of things for the ne'er-do-wells to do while the real help is doing their job.
7. Inside help / outside help
Your job during the move is to coordinate. Try not to get stuck moving anything. You should be able to freely move in and out of the house. If you have the personpower, have someone in the house, who is familiar with the PLAN, that can guide the movers or get you in a hurry if there is a question. You can then be near the truck to help with loading, unless you suck at Tetris.
8. Tight Pack
If you are crappy at Tetris, I would suggest getting a friend who has move experience to pack the truck. You want a tight pack as this means less damage and more stuff on the truck. Have room outside the truck for staging items that should go on later or when you have a futon shaped hole to fill.
9. MOVE EVERYTHING NOW
Damnit! I’ve seen it a hundred times. Towards the end of the move, little stuff is still lying around the house and the owner will say, “I’ll get that stuff later.” Don’t do it. MOVE IT NOW. You’ve got the people and the truck. For fragile stuff also have a fleet of cars that will be going to the new house. Just do it now. If you are moving across the country, you might want to keep personal items or papers with you, just don’t overthink it, champ. Move it now.
10. Don’t Feed in the Middle of a Move
Hungry people work harder. Full people nap. Don’t schedule your move around a meal time. Wait until the move is over to order the pizza. Even if it is late. By then, people will be sick of you and they will leave so you can order less pizza. Only keep cold water at the house you are moving out of. Make sure that beer is only at the new place so they have a goal. Drunk people drop shit and argue with you.
11. Don’t get fancy
Provide water. Provide Pizza. Provide Beer. Don’t try and cater. Don’t even think about cooking out. Your friends knew this when they volunteered to help. They will move someday and you will get the same crap from them.
12. Unpack Now
If you do not unpack a box, it will remain packed until you move again. This falls in line with Move Everything Now. People are there. Unpack.
13. Thanks
You need to thank your friends for helping. If someone loaned you a truck, fill it with gas or leave a $20 in the glove compartment. A real friend will not take money if you hand it to them, so if you really need the $20, try to hand it to your friend instead of putting it in the glove compartment. Thank your friends that night and the next day for their help and apologize for being a dick and not listening to them and not having beer at the house and for making them work so late.
BONUS HINTS
14. Take the next day off work
You will definitely want to take then next day off from work. All the stuff that you are too tired to take care of at midnight will be there for years unless you take care of it immediately. If you go to work, you are going to come home, exhausted, to unpacked boxes and no cable. If you take the next day off, you can sit around and unpack boxes while you wait for the cable guy to show up three hours late.
Condolences
(Author’s note: Any condolence you give is a good condolence. Don’t let my irreverent explanations seem glib; I cherish everyone letting me know that they care, no matter what form it comes in. Writing is how I cope.)
Steve’s death this year made for a real shitty 2017. The five stages of grief have been less of a path and more of a game of Twister where I spin the dial and deal with a new emotion every day (Left Hand denial!) Acceptance is there one day and fleeting the next. I still cannot imagine what it is like for Kelly, the kids, and Steve’s close friends.
I can’t speak for anyone else in Steve’s circle, but I do appreciate everyone who offers their condolences today, through the holidays, and moving forward. Steve pops into my head several times a day and someone mentioning him isn’t unwelcome.
There are five types of condolences I’ve encountered: the pursed lips, the standard condolence, the friend condolence, the meandering condolence, and the smile.
Pursed lips
This is the condolence the consolee receives when the consoler isn’t sure if they should say anything or doesn’t know what to say. He will greet me and then pause with his lips pressed firmly together, either because he doesn’t know what to say or he does know what to say, but wants to keep from saying it. I see this and I thank all of you who desire to say something, but don’t or can't.
Standard condolence
This is the standard expression of sympathy. The person gets in, says the thing, and gets out. All business. Similar to how the people at the funeral home do it: Eye contact. Hand shake. Say it. Move on.
Friend condolence
It’s good to be surrounded by people who know you. They can quickly judge if you need a distraction or an opportunity to vent or a hug. These people know how to say sorry without saying sorry. They also know how to jump in when a meandering condolence has been initiated.
Meandering condolence
This is what happens when a pursed lips condolence giver starts talking, but doesn’t know how to stop. I feel sorry for these folks who say one thing out loud and another thing in his or her head. Then the silent thought becomes a spoken thing and a new thought spills out in reaction to the last one and then it’s a line of dominoes until the person stops when their pursed lips take over again or when a friend jumps in to stop the next domino from falling. I really appreciate this condolence because it gives me a chance to console them, which is helpful when maintaining denial.
The smile
Smile is the best condolence. This person will start out with a standard condolence, but they can’t help smiling a bit as they continue with a story or a memory. I’m still hearing new stories and value each and every one of them. Even better is when someone overhears this conversation and then is drawn in, adding what they know or jumping into the conversation by saying, “No way!” or “I didn’t realize that is what caused the Detroit power outage!” Smiles, followed by stories, help the most.
When you see me, if you feel like you need to say something, say it. I won’t mind. Even if it is the eighth time or you keep saying the same thing over again. I appreciate it. And when you don’t say anything and you stand there with pursed lips, I’ll know that means that the most, because words cannot express how you feel.
Steve’s death this year made for a real shitty 2017. The five stages of grief have been less of a path and more of a game of Twister where I spin the dial and deal with a new emotion every day (Left Hand denial!) Acceptance is there one day and fleeting the next. I still cannot imagine what it is like for Kelly, the kids, and Steve’s close friends.
I can’t speak for anyone else in Steve’s circle, but I do appreciate everyone who offers their condolences today, through the holidays, and moving forward. Steve pops into my head several times a day and someone mentioning him isn’t unwelcome.
There are five types of condolences I’ve encountered: the pursed lips, the standard condolence, the friend condolence, the meandering condolence, and the smile.
Pursed lips
This is the condolence the consolee receives when the consoler isn’t sure if they should say anything or doesn’t know what to say. He will greet me and then pause with his lips pressed firmly together, either because he doesn’t know what to say or he does know what to say, but wants to keep from saying it. I see this and I thank all of you who desire to say something, but don’t or can't.
Standard condolence
This is the standard expression of sympathy. The person gets in, says the thing, and gets out. All business. Similar to how the people at the funeral home do it: Eye contact. Hand shake. Say it. Move on.
Friend condolence
It’s good to be surrounded by people who know you. They can quickly judge if you need a distraction or an opportunity to vent or a hug. These people know how to say sorry without saying sorry. They also know how to jump in when a meandering condolence has been initiated.
Meandering condolence
This is what happens when a pursed lips condolence giver starts talking, but doesn’t know how to stop. I feel sorry for these folks who say one thing out loud and another thing in his or her head. Then the silent thought becomes a spoken thing and a new thought spills out in reaction to the last one and then it’s a line of dominoes until the person stops when their pursed lips take over again or when a friend jumps in to stop the next domino from falling. I really appreciate this condolence because it gives me a chance to console them, which is helpful when maintaining denial.
The smile
Smile is the best condolence. This person will start out with a standard condolence, but they can’t help smiling a bit as they continue with a story or a memory. I’m still hearing new stories and value each and every one of them. Even better is when someone overhears this conversation and then is drawn in, adding what they know or jumping into the conversation by saying, “No way!” or “I didn’t realize that is what caused the Detroit power outage!” Smiles, followed by stories, help the most.
When you see me, if you feel like you need to say something, say it. I won’t mind. Even if it is the eighth time or you keep saying the same thing over again. I appreciate it. And when you don’t say anything and you stand there with pursed lips, I’ll know that means that the most, because words cannot express how you feel.
The REAL 13 Things Your Pizza Guy Won’t Tell You
I read an article on the 13 27 Things Your Pizza Guy Won't Tell You. They were pretty much bullshit. Here's a list of the REAL 13 things the pizza guy wont tell you:
1. The sauce really stings the open sore on his finger.
2. The cheese that misses the pizza and lands all over the place will make it back on top a pizza at some point in the night.
3. Pizza ain’t all he’s delivering.
4. The soap is still out in the employee bathroom.
5. If you do not tip him well, your next delivered three topping pizza will have four toppings.
6. He does wish you would come to the door topless.
7. The delivery guy is not en route and you are going to get the next thing that pops out of the oven.
8. It is hard to wipe a runny nose with the plastic gloves on, but he'll keep trying!
9. 30 minutes or less is a suggestion and not a goal
10. Long, scraggly hair is in. Hair nets are out.
11. Its hard to catch the flying disc of dough, but luckily the floor has enough flour on it to keep most of it from sticking.
12. Pizza guy is always very happy and he always seems to have red, bloodshot eyes.
13. You won’t believe some of the shit that will fit in the dough presser machine.
1. The sauce really stings the open sore on his finger.
2. The cheese that misses the pizza and lands all over the place will make it back on top a pizza at some point in the night.
3. Pizza ain’t all he’s delivering.
4. The soap is still out in the employee bathroom.
5. If you do not tip him well, your next delivered three topping pizza will have four toppings.
6. He does wish you would come to the door topless.
7. The delivery guy is not en route and you are going to get the next thing that pops out of the oven.
8. It is hard to wipe a runny nose with the plastic gloves on, but he'll keep trying!
9. 30 minutes or less is a suggestion and not a goal
10. Long, scraggly hair is in. Hair nets are out.
11. Its hard to catch the flying disc of dough, but luckily the floor has enough flour on it to keep most of it from sticking.
12. Pizza guy is always very happy and he always seems to have red, bloodshot eyes.
13. You won’t believe some of the shit that will fit in the dough presser machine.
Two Days
My friend shared some terrible news about a person in their
life that might have a very poor diagnosis and a limited time to live. For the
next few days, their family and friends are in limbo while the outcomes of the
tests are determined. How much time to live. What possible medical actions to
take. What to do. What they don’t have time to do. Helpless. That maybe hoping
upon hoping that just maybe it’s nothing. Hopeless. Heartbreakingly sad.
And while we were talking, I thought about recent events in
my life and how it would be interesting if friends or relatives could appear to
you and explain that they would be dying in 48 hours. That you could have two
whole days to spend with them and prepare. The deal would be that you cannot
change the future events; that they are given those two days on the promise
that they could spend them with loved ones, but that after 48 hours they would
die.
Then I thought about what I would do with that time. What
would I do with those two days? What would I do and who would I try to see before
those 48 hours were over? I have a bad feeling that I would completely waste
them. I have poor time management skills and near alcohol addiction and I can
see myself getting people together for a party that I get completely drunk at
and wake up, hungover with just enough time to say something cryptic before I
die.
So here’s my 48 hours.
0:00 The 48 hour Death Courier
appears and lets me know that I have 48 hours left to live.
1:30 I get done having
the Death Courier explain for the 48th time that no, it’s not a joke
and that I’ve wasted 90 minutes.
1:31 Post of Facebook
that I have less than 48 hours to live and I want to say as many goodbyes as
possible.
1:32 Unfriend all the
people that I really never liked in the first place, but felt obligated to
follow.
(Not you.)
(Not you.)
3:57 Realize that I
just wasted two and a half hours watching YouTube videos.
5:00 Gather my
immediate family close and let them know how much I love them and that I will
miss them horribly.
5:01 Break up the kids
from fighting about who gets to hold the kitty at the funeral and who even said
that the cat could come to the funeral!
6:00 Friends begin to
arrive. Many of them to collect debts. (Redhead Jen still wants that $100.)
6:01 We start to drink.
7:00 I make some poor
decisions.
7:30 More poor
decisions. Damn you Sailor Jerry’s!
8:00 Additional poor
decisions, but I’ll be dead in just a few hours, so what the hell!
28:00 Oh shit. I wake
up in my car trunk. I pull the emergency latch and crawl out and into the
house. Into bed.
32:00 I’m finally not
hungover anymore and crawl out of bed.
32:01 I remember that I
haven’t watched Season 2 of Stranger Things.
32:02 I do the math and
realize I can watch Season 2.
40:00 Holy crap… completely
worth it.
40:01 I eat a whole bag
of Swedish Fish
40:02 Shower
40:03 Sex
40:03:30 Nap
42:00 Sign my will. Buy
a $1,000,000,000 Life Insurance policy.
42:05 Delete my
internet history.
42:06 I make a final
blog post, listing my grievances against my enemies and thanking my friends.
42:15 I forgive my
enemies. They had their reasons for disliking me. I have to honor that.
43:00 We go out to
dinner. I’ll probably get steak.
44:45 Damn, it took a
long time for the bill to come.
45:00 Two large Frosty’s.
That F*cking no carb diet is out the door.
45:10 I gather my wife
and kids and my arms and hold them until the end comes.
45:25 My arms get tired
and we take a break.
46:00 We decide to put
on “The Princess Bride” and watch it until my time comes.
47:50 There’s just
enough time to watch the prologue of “The Royal Tenenbaums.”
47:55 A quick debate
about what was actually in the ball shaped present that Royal gave Margot. (It
was a ball!)
47:58 My regrets! So
many. And now at the end, they stand like an army before me, shouting taunts
and curses. In my last despair I look up, and there is my wife, her brilliance
destroys those countless demons and all that is left is pure light.
47:59 And then with one
minute left, my wife suffocates me with a pillow. “No one is taking this away
from me.”
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