Things I Have Learned as a Husband

Filling a dirty pan with water and letting it soak is not considered washing it.

Staying out late is being out until 11:59pm
Staying out all night is anytime past 12:01am

If your wife says she doesn’t want jewelry, she does.

Wives like sex, just not right now.

The bed does not make itself. Saying that you are just going to sleep in it again is not a valid excuse.

It was not pure luck that my work shirts are hanging in the closet.

Always keep track of favors and tasks. If you owe, it’s best to remember and pay up. It is human nature to remember that you’ve done the laundry the last 30 times or given the last 5 baths. Try to keep it even.

My kids might have a sense of humor and know what The Force is because of me, but all the other credit goes to my wife.

Don’t mention that you found hair in the shower.

Most everything is a test. I’m scoring in the low 20s and there is no curve.

Grey hair only exists on my head.

Putting away leftovers does not mean eating what’s left out of the pan over the sink.

Whole cucumbers do not belong in the garbage disposal no matter what cool noise they make.

If there is a good looking girl at work, I immediately go home and tell my wife about her. I’m not sure why except that it seems like the right thing to do.

It’s not worth arguing about toilet seat status or how much toilet paper makes up a single use.

When you get into an argument in the car there is usually nothing interesting to look at out the window.

Whoever cooks, the other person does the dishes.

It is better for me to go to work unshaven than to use the pink razor in the shower. (Or I should learn to rinse the pink razor better.)

Don’t discuss your sex life on the internet.

Before two kids it was morning sex. After two kids it’s mourning sex.

I am not a very good learner.

My wife is the most tolerant woman in the world. I love her very much. Happy Valentine's Day!

Recycling a website article is not considered a valid Valentine's Day present.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was so wonderful!

Anonymous said...

Juan, your blog is not that bad. Keep it up.

- Dick

Jan said...

OMG, I love this. Who are you, Alan Alda?? I love it. Seriously.

I can leave the dish washer open, half loaded and still my kids and husband will put dishes with food on them in the sink.

It makes me wish for weapons of mass destruction.

Anonymous said...

grey hair only exists on your head? what the hell does that even mean?
thank god i can relate to this list in no way whatsoever.

Dick seems to like it though.

Anonymous said...

It means that it exists on his head and *not* hers. Meaning don't mention it if she gets a gray hair

Anonymous said...

I resent the notion that women are mysterious, men are stupid and they will never understand eachother

Anonymous said...

I loved this so much! I want to find a man like this

Sebastian said...

* Christmas is more often than sex.

* When you loose against her, you win kissing, cuddling and 'oh, my sweet little honey pot'. If you play fair and win, you are an arrogant egocentric who plays unfair.

:-)

Anonymous said...

There should be a clause on this; "Any excuses your wife makes only hold validity if she has a full time job and contributes to the expenditures of family and house hold, and not a part time job that only supports her party needs with her friends".

If she enjoyed having sex with you before marriage she will continue enjoying sex with you after marriage, otherwise she was using sex to get her way.

I don't think this list is 'cute', it just perpetuates the princess syndrome a lot of women have. That men only exist to please women, that women deserve everything, and that men should feel grateful that women allow the men in their presence.

If you can relate to this list and your wife doesn't contribute to the relationship on a financial level, you are a sucker and have been taken advantage of.

I know it sounds like I'm asking for women to be rational, trust me, that isn't too much to ask.

Doug said...

You are not married... are you?

Anonymous said...

I'd only get married to have children. And as pleasant as they can be (ask any married couple that are still together), they aren't for me.

I've learned what a good marriage is from my parents, a few friends that have found the right kind of women (the ones that aren't self-centered, they do exist), and experienced divorced men (more than 10) that continually tell me what traits to look out for.

So, no I'm not married, with the divorce rate being what it is, marriage is much riskier than day trading on the stock market.

But Doug, if you are married, I understand pride can cause denial of being in a bad situation. But, if you like where you are in life, then marriage is for you.

Marriage is not for me, I cannot afford to allow myself to be dominated by someone who only thinks of herself. Otherwise if I do get married, it will be with a woman who has the ability to love someone else other than herself.

Doug said...

I agree that you shouldn't get married. You sound like a very sad man. I'd hate to see you ruin another person's life as well.

Anonymous said...

*crack*
whipped! dude grow a pair. your wife isn't a princess and you aren't her slave.

-women: if you are dreaming of a man like this, stop. this "guy" isnt a man. he's like a whiny dog, desperately trying not to get "master" angry.

-guys: the guy here has no huevos. don't be like that.

David said...

What happens if you get home at exactly 12 midnight?

Buxter said...

All very good points that were expressed. I agree.

Love Services said...

Very true.

Shame the anonymous guys above leaving comments don't recognise humour when they see it.

Anonymous said...

Great observations.

I can relate.

I am certain a woman could make the same list. For example.

"Sex is always good with you.

Supper was delicious. Hotdogs and hamburgers, what a winning combination!

No, it must be my hands making your penis look small! It's huge, I swear.

You are not going bald, your air is thinning out.

Of course you can fix the car, but you've got better things to do, just bring it into the dealership.

You clean all the time.

I don't mind hairy men.

Take four hours to have a shit, really, that's normal. "

etc.

Point is, it cuts both ways.

Dr. Stephen Jones said...

Thanks for your creative expression of what it is like to be a husband. I have found that communication is the key. I study my wife so That I know what pleases her. I take action on the things she requests. When we are both seeking to meet each others needs our love grows deeper.

Doug said...

Holy smokes! A positive comment from a published Dr.!

Thanks! I wish I would have read your how to book on studying 20 years ago.

Anonymous said...

Doug, I'm not a sad man, and I bring happiness to people that do the same for me.

But I don't condone stepping on eggshells to keep another person happy. I don't condone a person taking advantage of another person and using sex to manipulate a partner.

But, I do condone equality in a relationship. And there is nothing in this list that describes equality.

The second list by another anonymous sounds like a woman belittling a man, the main list of course is a man submitting to a dominate woman.

Doug said...

You do not have the experience that allows you to see the humor and love in this list.

It's not your fault. You just haven't had this experience and can't understand. And you'll have a negative reaction to my statement because you feel like you can know what it is like, but you cannot.

It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.

Anonymous said...

Its a common defensive mechanism to make a bothersome/sad/frustrating/helpless situation into a humorous one. This makes it seem like a joke, and less like you are being taken advantage of.

I've talked to people with domestic abuse issues, eating disorders, anger management problems, and they all try to laugh it off like it isn't an issue.

This isn't any different. Plus, I have had the experience to realize that this is a serious problem. You don't laugh about kids with AIDS or people that have cancer do you? No because those are serious issues.

But you are right about one thing. I cannot completely relate or understand your humor in this, because I'm not delusional.

Doug said...

Dude, I highly suggest you hang out with your domestic abuse/eating disorder/angry friends. They sound like they are a lot more fun than me.

Oh, and did you hear what the kid with cancer said to the kid with AIDS? "Ha! You have AIDS!"

PS You aren't delusional, but for some reason you keep coming back. That just means you have issues. Buck up, champ!

Anonymous said...

Seriously anonymous dude. Shuuuut the fuuuuck upppppp. Its really easy to make someones comment about ANYTHING sound like pshychobabble, but really, you're just coming off as an inexperienced ass and we are all happy you don't want to get married.

Jill said...

I love this list, it's so very true. And you are a good man and husband for acknowledging your shortcomings, and for handling Anonymous Unmarried Dickhead Who Will Die Old And Alone with such panache. I pity him.

Hairslave 24/7 said...

You need to chill Anon. I'm in a same sex relationship, and both my husband and myself find this list to be not only both true, and funny, but touching as well. It describes both us and all our married friends!

Doug said...

Hey Hairslave! Thanks for the comment. May I also suggest you check out this hari cutting post of mine?

http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/04/i-got-my-hair-cut-at-black-barber-shop.html

Anonymous said...

Well, it seems there are many Anon, I'm not the one doing the direct insults, I give my opinion. And telling someone to STFU isn't mature at all and shows mass inexperience.

I've come to the conclusion that I just have dated the wrong women, the kind others may make derogatory comments about. So if you are indeed happy, God Bless. I am just not so lucky finding a proper mate.

Amy said...

I totally loved this...sadly my marriage will break up due to me who married someone like Anon. LOL no kidding.
Honestly I wish I would have realized he was so angry early on, I later found out that sadly he was not being true to himself, he was infact a closet homosexual. Though I have many friends that are gay even they were shocked as we had a family together. Hurt yes, beyond moving on to a loving relationship NO- why because Men like you do exist Juan.
Thank you.
As far as showing mass inexperience Anon. If more than one person tells you to STFU do it and learn from it it is called experience.
As for any further post to Anon. I suggest we refrain, you know what they say NEVER argue with an idiot you will stoop to there level and they will beat you with the experience....* whip snaps.
:-)

HolyJuan said...

That stinks, Amy. I wish people would be more open about sexuality and gays because I know that I would hate for my kids to wind up with a closeted person. I'd rather their relationship stink for other reasons. :) Good luck.

Divorce counselors said...

Haha, nailed it right on the head there. Good job.

Chris Ryan said...

You are truly in love. Sounds like you have the perfect wife.