How to get your reluctant boyfriend to propose

I’ve seen it before. You and your boyfriend have been dating for a year or so. You are looking for him to propose and he’s happy with how things are going. Little does he realize that things are about to be going really shitty if he doesn’t buy a ring and get on a knee. Here are some helpful hints to get your boyfriend to propose to you:

Burn down his house
You’ve probably been spending a lot of time together, but you both still keep your own residences. What Mr. Happy needs is a good house burning. When all his clothes and Sandman graphic novels are ashes, he’s going to be vulnerable and he’s going to need you more than ever. Over time, finding a new place would just be a hassle. He’ll see you with new eyes. In a few weeks, when the insurance check comes, I can assure you that he’s use some of the proceeds to buy a ring.

Talk about his brother or best friend
Guys are jealous fucks. They think about your ex-boyfriends and they think about the other two (yeah right) guys you’ve had sex with. Guys assume that you are having sex with your co-workers and than on girls' night you get drunk and blow guys at the club. All guys do it. If you start talking about his friends or his brothers, he’ll start to imagine that you are hot for them. Competition is tough between friends and family and to prove to them that he is top dog, he’ll pop the question to lay ownership over you.

Play online games with voice chat
Your boyfriend will think it is great that you play online games.  He'll probably spend a lot of time on your couch playing your system. You'll probably play a lot of games together which is wonderful for relationship building. But after two years of his ass on your couch, you'll want to step up your game. Literally.  Start playing games that require you to use voice chat. In game, most guys have stupid usernames like BigDick33 and HumpingYouLeg.  Once your boyfriend starts hearing you say, "Nice moves, BigDick" or "Good save, HumpMyLeg," he'll begin to think that maybe it's time to seal the deal and ensure you don't run off with some Orc Shaman from Toledo.

Buy a pet together and then “lose” it
Simple and diabolical. Find someone who sells pets, but has a 30 day return policy. Buy the pet and make sure you suggest that since he hasn’t proposed, this will help you to emotionally handle the situation. He’ll be relieved that the engagement pressure is off. One day while he’s off at Best Buy, return the pet to the vendor and suggest you have allergies. When he comes home, he’ll find the house frantically torn up and you crying that Mrs. Krinkle has disappeared. Between sobs, make sure you drop a few hints about how much the pet meant to you and that your feelings of emptiness will never be filled. Give it a week and he’ll pull the old “Propose by tying the ring on the new puppy’s collar” trick. Sucker.

Become a stripper

This one is two fold. First off, guys dig strippers. To think they could actually marry one would be huge. Secondly, if the rage of jealously doesn’t make a ring appear, you’ll make enough money to buy your own ring. Why was it you were dating this guy in the first place? What are you doing later? Is Trixie your real name?


Anonymous said...

If this is your attempt at satire, it failed due to the fact that people actually do these things. If that was not you're intention at all, it's even worse. Stop and think that maybe women pulling these things might be the reason the divorce rate is so high. Rarely am I compelled to comment on a random post I find on the internet but I couldn't help myself. Thinking like this is what gives us women a bad name.

HolyJuan said...

I'm sorry... could you let me know anyone that may have burnt down a house, lost a pet or become a stripper to get their boyfriend to propose?

Maybe it is YOU who are giving women the bad name for overreacting.

charles said...

i like your style, holyjuan. both the article and how you dealt with anonymous up there. new bookmark added to my short list...

HolyJuan said...

Wow. Thanks, Charles. No one has ever accused me of having style!

Snaperific said...

From what I've heard, Anonymous, having a sense of humor is a good thing. If you're so easily offended and protective of the human race (bless your HEART) then blogs like Holy Juan's are probably not for you. Maybe you could find one church related and soothe your ruffled countenance there. God Bless!

Holy Juan, don't stop doing what you do.

Capt. Schmoe said...

Pretty sure arson and stripping are not holy, Juan.