My Glasses

Nine years ago I went to an eye appointment. I am nearsighted (slightly blind) and wear contacts. I also wear glasses when I’m not wearing the contacts. Because I do not wear my glasses out in public, I really do not care what the frames look like. So when the sales lady at the glasses store pointed me towards the $150 frames which were next to the $250 frames, I pointed at the small rack of forgotten, dusty frames in the corner.

“How much are those frames?”

“Those? Um, they vary. The prices are marked on a sticker on the arm.”

I found a pair for $40. “I’ll take them.” She was not impressed.

My wife was not impressed either when I brought them home a few weeks later. But I didn’t care. I only would wear them in the mornings for a few minutes.

So for nine years my glasses have gathered dust, worn only five or six times a year. I was actually hoping that if I waited long enough, they might come back in fashion.

But then we put a television in our bedroom and everything has changed. I’ll put the sleep timer on the television and fall asleep to thirty minutes of Comedy Central. To do so, I must wear my glasses. Most the time, I remove them at the last minute before falling asleep. Other times I wake up in the middle of the night with them still on and I remove them. And sometimes I find them in the bed or on the floor the next morning.

Six months ago I found them in the bed and on the floor. Like a mother panda, I rolled over on my glasses in the middle of the night and they broke at the bridge. I tried to glue them, but there wasn’t enough material and there was too much torque for them to hold. I tried watching TV at night with one side held down to the side of my head by gravity and the other held up, wedged between my head and the pillow. That worked as long as I didn’t move which didn’t work at all.

Miss Sally suggested on several occasions that I should get new frames and that she would go with me this time to help me decide (i.e. pick them out for me.) I said I would, but never have… because I fixed my glasses!

Using a brightly colored pencil with smiley faces on it and tape, I MacGyver-ize them back into perfect working order.

Here is a photo of them:


Just like new!!

I have only made it downstairs with these on a few times when I didn't want to put my contacts in. And they have only been outside once when I went to get the mail. My neighbor was mowing his lawn and did not look up to see me.

I am surprised that Miss Sally has not thrown them in the trash. She broke our honored oath of marriage when she mentioned the glasses to a co-worker which is why I am posting this now. I think Miss Sally realizes that the only way go get me to buy new frames is to watch me embarrass myself to the general public.

So here you go:


New glasses? Who needs new glasses! These work just fine.

I'm thinking about sharpening the pencil so that I can write down and remember my very special dreams.

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm not one to leave comments on random blogs, but that was a good story and it made me smile.

Anonymous said...

That's why I get my glasses from sites like 39dollarglasses; there are other cheaper sites, but takes like a month to get them by mail, while 39glasses delivers in about 7 biz days! OH yes, and my glasses look quite fashionable! :)

Anonymous said...

I think Miss Sally should be happy that you are content and not easily swayed by material possessions.

But I can't help wondering why you don't affix a small pad of paper to aid in note taking, it seems only half improved.

Tanveer said...

What a refreshing story to start my day. Thanks mate.

Jim said...

It's funny how small, off-hand decisions can shape significant portions of our lives.

Rach said...

dear Jesus.

Anonymous said...

The two lens are not lined up. I am not sure if that is a good idea. Kinda puts one eye out of focus with respect to the other all the time.

Anonymous said...

Use it up
Wear it out
Make it do
Or do without!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you :-)

Kev

Anonymous said...

You should really get some new frames and lenses too, while you're at it - first, the optical distortion of your eyes does change over time, so your 9+ year old lenses are probably off, even if ever so slightly. Second, lenses should be aligned both horizontally and vertically, they have specific focal points depending on the position of your irises and the distance between them.

Anonymous said...

looking at the picture at the underlying frames, I am a bit baffled by the criticism of the frames themselves. I don't think they look out of style or bad in any way.

Anonymous said...

it looks ridiculous.. buy a new pair of glasses!

Ian said...

It'll catch on. Probably will be the next hipster trend.

My advice; copywrite!

Anonymous said...

bravo. you have proved it to yourself and us that making a fool of yourself can be enlightening. now go get some new glasses. ;)

Anonymous said...

You have my deepest respect.

come clean said...

had to give out a laugh at that one, but if they work for you and you don't mind, go and buy yourself some beer as a reward - it would cost a lot less than a new pair of glasses.

susie said...

you look like alton brown!

Smail said...

Seconding the Alton Brown remarks.

You should pitch a show to the Food Network where you ride around the country on a motorcycle and stop at every dive, dump and roadhouse you can find in order to try the finest beers this country has to offer.

The closing shot of every episode could be you riding off into the sunrise, swerving all over the road. The kids'll dig it!

Todd said...

CONGRATULATIONS! You've been selected to receive an Apple iPhone!

Todd said...

CONGRATULATIONS! You've been selected to receive an Apple iPhone!

ob81 said...

ROFL this was hilarious dude. Good read.

macewan said...

I take it that you don't chew on pencils as a general rule? Thanks for the laugh.

Mrs. K said...

My dear friend... you're an idiot! Mind you, a very funny and stubborn idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.

I think it's funny that some of the "anonymous" posters can't find the humor in this situation and that they're totally serious with their suggestions. Hmmm...

I changed my mind, they're the idiots...

Anonymous said...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/v4m21/1185576484/

Here is my broken lens.

Sleepy Scott said...

I must admit, I had a similar experience over twenty years ago. I broke my glasses doing something stupid in High School, and my parents punished me by making me wear my taped-up, whacked-out glasses to school for a couple weeks. I applaud you and your frugal ways.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... The scientists say we evolved out of africa, from monkeys... For some reason I now think they're right...

Hey Juan, I bought some "shares" of Giuliani winning the nomination back in december of 05, when you told me about intrade.com. If he wins the nomination I THINK I'll end up turning $100 into $700-$800. I just wanted to say thanks, and no ... you don't get a cut.

- Dick

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking about making a pair for myself, but I can't find the right pencil. Do you have anymore brightly colored smiley face pencils? I hope you don't poke Miss Sally in the eye during the good night kiss.
Silent Butt Deadly

Doug said...

Any poke that I can get in with Miss Sally is a good poke.

Anonymous said...

Juanderful story! You do not need new glasses....why would you want to look like anyone else?

Anonymous said...

something about this story and something about how trendy you look...something about how blue your eyes look when you are just trying to look past the glasses and not be embarassed for you too much.
Yes...I am breaking my glasses now only to "fix" them so you wont feel so alone in the world of "perfect eyewear" people.
Anonymous (the real one)

Strumpet said...

Those are superb! I think you should be banned from changing them, just out of sentimental value and uniqueness factor now!

I was actually forced to start with glasses after I was banned from using contacts anymore cause of some bumps on my eyelids and stuff ... so now I just go with blind most of the time

fred said...

glasses have been quite cheap, why not just order one online?

conny said...

Long time reader, first time writer. (Actually, I only read it when I remember).

Excellent construction and design. The 45 degree offset of the left lense perfectly compliments your lazy eye!

I now understand what happened with the penis enlarger incident. Hope you've recovered from that.
Cheers!

Ollie Onions said...

So ingenious and funny... I laughed and I thank you for that.

THE BLUEST BUTTERFLY said...

That last line was absolutely hilarious.

Michelle said...

Good Morning~First time poster here! I can *so* totally relate to this post! I, too, fall asleep to the TV, so I know what you mean about falling asleep with your glasses on, rolling over them, finding them on the floor, etc! And glasses are just obscenely expensive!! But, I agree with the other comment, if you could find them for $39, that would be a deal! Then you wouldn't have to worry about rolling over on your pencil!!! LOL!!! Great post! Have a great day! :)

Levitra said...

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Buy Soma said...

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Julie said...

Nice! I'm actually going to buy new glasses tomorrow - first ones since 2005, and I only wear them for a few minutes a month. The old ones came off the clearance rack. I wouldn't buy new ones, except I'm three times as blind now.

SoulMotor said...

This made me laugh, mostly because my wife is near blind as well.

If you want cheap glasses, look for Zenni optical online, I paid 12bucks for a pair I keep at work for working on the computer so I don't kill my nice home ones.

RSA Course said...

Sir I salute you, it takes a man with real courage to be able to rock those awesome awesome glasses.

Anonymous said...

Let the haters hate. I doubt you'll damage your eyes wearing old glasses 5 minutes a day. Keep wearing them! And thanks for posting more photo evidence that disproves your bs twitter claim last week! lol :)
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