HOLLYWOOD (HJ) – With the release of the new pop band Snozberries Taste Like Snozberries’ debut album, “Lick It”, it has been officially announced that every single band name possible has been harvested from the 1971 film, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Sony Music Entertainment media spokesperson Marcy Stacks stated, “It’s a sad day for our creative division. They’ve been mining that movie since 1972 when “Edward and the Oompa-Loompas” released their first album.”
Many are familiar with such bands at Veruca Salt, Charlie Buckett, The Willy Wonkas, Vermicious Knids, The Golden Tickets, and Fizzy Lifting Drinks Five. But there have been many other bands that have borrowed their names from the film. Enough so that every single one of them has been used.
Some bands relied on the movie a lot more than others. In 1974, the Charlie Bucket Band formed. They soon broke up and reformed to become the Grandpa Joes. When the lead singer quit to form his own band, The Everlasting Gobstopper, the rest of the band members strove on and formed the Cheer Up Charlies only to break up a fortnight later and reform the next morning as the Scrumdidilyumptious Bars.
While Gene Wilder, Paramount Pictures and Peter Gardner Ostrum refused to comment, we did receive an e-mail from the I Said Good Day Sir! band insisting they got their band name from an argument over a package of crisps and not the Emmy winning film, though most believe that to be complete bunk.
How to show up late to work, leave early and get away with it.
It’s easy to show up late to work and leave early if you follow these simple tips.
Clandestine Closet
You’ll need to find a closet near the front door or secret side door where you can hide “late” supplies and hang your jacket. I suggest keeping a stack of papers or some blue prints in there. When you slide in late, hang up your coat so that people don’t see you with your jacket on. Grab a stack of stuff and complain about the Gibson account to whomever you see.
Computer On
Always leave your computer and monitor on. Disable the screen saver or make your screen saver a full sized image of an Excel spreadsheet. Make sure you keep several programs open. I know I’m going to Environmental Hell for this one, but a few dollars of electricity a week is totally worth the extra sleep you will get.
Double Coats/Sweatshirts
When you leave work at night (or hopefully in the early afternoon) leave a spare jacket or sweatshirt on the back of your chair. Turn the chair slightly out as if you just stood up and plan to come back. If you’re leaving early, people will think you are coming back. If you are showing up late, people will think you've beaten them to the office and are at an early meeting. This especially works well if your computer is on.
Call Your Desk Phone and Hang Up After One Ring
If your co-workers hear your phone ringing off the hook, they will know you are not at your desk. When you leave early for the day, call in to your desk and hang up. With a subliminal one or two rings every twenty minutes, your boss will think you are answering calls and running errands, you multi-tasker you!
Office Pool
If you are just rolling in at 10:00am and need to trick your boss into thinking that you have been in the office all morning, utilize the Office Pool. Get a box top from some copier paper and throw whatever change and bills you have in it. Make sure you have a pen and piece of paper with writing on it (bonus points for a clipboard.) Pop in your boss’ office and tell him you are collecting money for Betty in Custodial’s pregnancy and that he is the last one on the list. Your boss will pretend like they know about Betty’s bastard child and wish her the best. “Check” his name off the list and say you will give your best to Betty. Spend boss’ cash later that afternoon at the bar with a toast to Betty’s soon-to-be-announced and soon-to-be-office-pool-money-collected miscarriage.
Copier Problems
Having a small bag of toner around can be useful for staging a “copier blow-up.” As you get into work, rub some on your face and sprinkle some on your hidden stash of papers. Make sure you ask if anyone has seen the copier guy. You can spend hours searching for the right “Drum and Blade Kit.”
Trick Away E-mail
Your e-mail probably has an “away” setting in which a return e-mail message is sent out during times when you are on an actual vacation. I suggest creating a fake email that makes it look like your email was bounced back to the sender. Something like:
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.
Unable to deliver message to the following recipients {your email address here}, because the message was forwarded more than the maximum allowed times. This could indicate a mail loop.
Change your settings so that this e-mail is sent out to every email, every time. Make sure you invite the IT guy out to get drinks so that he has your back.
Faux Work Keys
You know all those keys you have in the kitchen drawer? Spend 99 cents on a package of colorful key organizational toppers and create a ring of keys that looks official. Leave them on your desk. If they get stolen, no problem! Otherwise, people will assume you are at the office and locked in a utility closet on the second floor. Besides, everyone knows that people who have keys are important.
The Call In
Ensure that on your desk is a red file marked “Princeton Account.” Fill it with some official bullshit paperwork. If you are running late, call in to your boss’ secretary and have them “look up” some information in that folder for a meeting you are at. Make sure you whisper in the phone like you just stepped out of said meeting. Also make sure there is a twenty dollar bill in the very back of it in case you need to bribe the secretary into reading the same bullshit document for the fourth time.
Full Cup of Coffee
No one, not even the laziest person, will leave a full cup of coffee at their desk. Take the top off your Starbucks so that the fullness is apparent. For the very clever, make a fake whipped topping with some insulation foam and white paint. Stick it on top the coffee for added effect. With that sitting on your desk, everyone stopping by will assume you have just stepped away.
Invite!
Quit being a chump and sneaking around the office! Invite everyone out for a 3:00pm drink at the local bar. Buy the first round. Be a hero. Then, fake a phone call from your sick aunt and get the hell away from your stuck up co-workers.
Clandestine Closet
You’ll need to find a closet near the front door or secret side door where you can hide “late” supplies and hang your jacket. I suggest keeping a stack of papers or some blue prints in there. When you slide in late, hang up your coat so that people don’t see you with your jacket on. Grab a stack of stuff and complain about the Gibson account to whomever you see.
Computer On
Always leave your computer and monitor on. Disable the screen saver or make your screen saver a full sized image of an Excel spreadsheet. Make sure you keep several programs open. I know I’m going to Environmental Hell for this one, but a few dollars of electricity a week is totally worth the extra sleep you will get.
Double Coats/Sweatshirts
When you leave work at night (or hopefully in the early afternoon) leave a spare jacket or sweatshirt on the back of your chair. Turn the chair slightly out as if you just stood up and plan to come back. If you’re leaving early, people will think you are coming back. If you are showing up late, people will think you've beaten them to the office and are at an early meeting. This especially works well if your computer is on.
Call Your Desk Phone and Hang Up After One Ring
If your co-workers hear your phone ringing off the hook, they will know you are not at your desk. When you leave early for the day, call in to your desk and hang up. With a subliminal one or two rings every twenty minutes, your boss will think you are answering calls and running errands, you multi-tasker you!
Office Pool
If you are just rolling in at 10:00am and need to trick your boss into thinking that you have been in the office all morning, utilize the Office Pool. Get a box top from some copier paper and throw whatever change and bills you have in it. Make sure you have a pen and piece of paper with writing on it (bonus points for a clipboard.) Pop in your boss’ office and tell him you are collecting money for Betty in Custodial’s pregnancy and that he is the last one on the list. Your boss will pretend like they know about Betty’s bastard child and wish her the best. “Check” his name off the list and say you will give your best to Betty. Spend boss’ cash later that afternoon at the bar with a toast to Betty’s soon-to-be-announced and soon-to-be-office-pool-money-collected miscarriage.
Copier Problems
Having a small bag of toner around can be useful for staging a “copier blow-up.” As you get into work, rub some on your face and sprinkle some on your hidden stash of papers. Make sure you ask if anyone has seen the copier guy. You can spend hours searching for the right “Drum and Blade Kit.”
Trick Away E-mail
Your e-mail probably has an “away” setting in which a return e-mail message is sent out during times when you are on an actual vacation. I suggest creating a fake email that makes it look like your email was bounced back to the sender. Something like:
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.
Unable to deliver message to the following recipients {your email address here}, because the message was forwarded more than the maximum allowed times. This could indicate a mail loop.
Change your settings so that this e-mail is sent out to every email, every time. Make sure you invite the IT guy out to get drinks so that he has your back.
Faux Work Keys
You know all those keys you have in the kitchen drawer? Spend 99 cents on a package of colorful key organizational toppers and create a ring of keys that looks official. Leave them on your desk. If they get stolen, no problem! Otherwise, people will assume you are at the office and locked in a utility closet on the second floor. Besides, everyone knows that people who have keys are important.
The Call In
Ensure that on your desk is a red file marked “Princeton Account.” Fill it with some official bullshit paperwork. If you are running late, call in to your boss’ secretary and have them “look up” some information in that folder for a meeting you are at. Make sure you whisper in the phone like you just stepped out of said meeting. Also make sure there is a twenty dollar bill in the very back of it in case you need to bribe the secretary into reading the same bullshit document for the fourth time.
Full Cup of Coffee
No one, not even the laziest person, will leave a full cup of coffee at their desk. Take the top off your Starbucks so that the fullness is apparent. For the very clever, make a fake whipped topping with some insulation foam and white paint. Stick it on top the coffee for added effect. With that sitting on your desk, everyone stopping by will assume you have just stepped away.
Invite!
Quit being a chump and sneaking around the office! Invite everyone out for a 3:00pm drink at the local bar. Buy the first round. Be a hero. Then, fake a phone call from your sick aunt and get the hell away from your stuck up co-workers.
The Mostly All Inclusive Family Restroom Sign
My good friend, Stephanie, is a graphic designer and created this mostly all inclusive family restroom sign:
Things That Are Gone That I Miss
The older I get, the more things change and disappear. Some are my fault. Surprisingly most aren't. Here's a list of the things I am missing from my life.
Marathon Bars
Marathon was this great candy bar. It was braided caramel with chocolate
covering it. It was very chewy. The commercials for it were of a cowboy
having a chew out with another candy bar cowboy. The longest lasting candy bar was declared
the winner. Marathon cowboy always won.
Communication that you can control
When I was a kid, we had two telephones. One upstairs and
one in the basement. The basement phone was the one I used to talk to girlfriends.
Now our house has no phone, but my kid has access to internet chat, Facetime,
in game chat and someday he'll have a headset to talk to strangers. When we had one line, my parents had a good
excuse to kick me off the phone because if the house caught fire they would
need an open line. Now, I need to make
stupid excuses as to why he needs to get off the device. Usually the excuse is,
“Because I said so.”
Stick shift
I love stick shift. It gives you something to do while
driving and keeps you focused on the road. With automatic, I’ve become a
drone. We are a two car family and my
wife is not interested in driving stick, so both our cars are automatic. I don't blame her. Just need to get a job where I make enough to
buy a third car.
Swedish Fish
I'm on a diet. Swedish fish are not part of that diet. I
miss you Swedish fish.
John
John and I are best friends.
But we both got married and I've got kids and he's got work and
somewhere in the middle, we stopped hanging out. We talk every few weeks. Both of us committing that well try to get
together. Both of us failing. I did call him, out of the blue, with a situation
that didn’t need immediate attention, but he gave it attention. We’ll get our
acts back together.
Four hour hangovers
I used to be able to go out until 2am, sleep until 8am and
be fine by noon. Now, I go home at
midnight, get up at 8am and am miserable for 48 hours. If I go out on a
Thursday night to Ladies’ 80s, I am starting to feel like myself again on my
Monday drive into work.
Not drinking
At some point in my life, I didn't drink. From 0 - 19, I assume I did other things that
kept be busy. Now it seems that I can’t go an evening without a glass of wine.
I’d quit, but then I’d miss drinking instead of missing not drinking. I’ll take the latter.
HolyJuan
I don't write enough anymore. Obviously I'm trying to change that.
Being ahead of the technological curve
I knew Windows XP front and back. Now I can't figure out how
to defrag a drive or figure out the problems my operating system is politely
explaining to me. I can’t stand tablets. I need a nice keyboard to be able to
write. I assume my phone can make bacon,
but I’ll never know. I’m already looking out in the yard to see if there are
any kids to yell at.
Zima
Screw you. It was crisp and delicious and a nice, portable
alternative to beer. The photo below is from my sister. When she heard Zima was going out of production, she bought her local store out. She called me the day she drank the last one and we both cried.
Lock Up the Site
A few weeks ago, we were at an installation on an active construction site. We had planned on staying long past when many of the construction workers would be done and we requested permission to stay late. The job foreman was adamant that we ensure all doors were shut and that the main gate was locked behind us as security was very important.
So when we left for the night, we used the lock to secure the gate. This is a standard construction site lock.
So when we left for the night, we used the lock to secure the gate. This is a standard construction site lock.
Decisions, decisions.
This is our men's bathroom at work. Guys will understand what a difficult decision this is.
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