Columbus Underground and Cbusr meetups

This past Tuesday I went to two separate meet-ups in Columbus. One was organized by Columbus Underground and held at The Jury Room and the other was held by Cbusr at the Woodlands Tavern. Keegan was too busy frolicking in the sand so I went solo.

The Jury Room is a very laid back, old school bar. It's owned by Liz Lessner and she is very cool. We actually got to chat for a little bit AND she bought me a beer. I gave her permission to tell her friends that she knew me. I'm cool like that. I also got to hang out with Thomas. Thomas always has interesting stories about hackers and social engineers.

After about two hours, I bailed on The Jury Room and headed over to Cbusr's event at the Woodlands. I called Freckled Jenn on the way over and she came and met up with me.

I went as @Fake_Dispatch to Woodlands because for some reason he seems to be more popular. Jerk.

I did get meet a bunch of people that I only knew from the internet. Jenn signed up on Twitter while we were there. You can follow her at @FreckledJenn.

Two people I finally did get to meet in person were Rogue Magnolia and The Naked Redhead. I was actually able to con them into taking a photo with me.

Awe, crap. Would you look at my teeth? I missed my dentist appointment a month ago and I look like yellow hell next to Redhead's pearly whites. This will not do.

Much better!

And would you look at that? Rogue is barely even smiling! We can take care of that!

Perfect.

See you at one of the next meet-ups!

Sad Quarters

One of the best perks at my job is that we have a pop machine with twenty-five cent pop. On top of the machine is a Tupperware cup with at least $20 worth of quarters in it. If you need a pop you take a quarter, toss it in the machine and pick your poison. Sometimes the Tupperware container runs out and people start looking under the machine for quarters. Every few days, one of our admins will open up the machine, restock it and put the quarters in the container on the top.

Today I realized that those are the saddest quarters in the world.

Most quarters get to travel. From a pop machine to a bank to a meter to a video game and back to a pop machine. I assume that quarters have 30+ years of use in them and they get around. This is the best kind of quarter.

Then there are the quarters that got put into a jar five years ago and will not see the light of day ever again. These quarters give up on life and go into hibernation. Maybe a poker game or a late mortgage payment will bring them back to life. This is the second best type of quarter.

The quarters at my work are depressed. They sit on the machine. Then they feel movement… will it be into a slot machine or maybe for a gumball? A toll booth or taco bell? No. Into the pop machine. Then, three day later, back to the Tupperware on the top of the machine.

Sad.

I will not stand for this.

Every day I am going to go into work with a few quarters. I’ll liberate the quarters from the top of the machine and then take them to my car. There they will live in my coin cup thing and wait to be spent on things like parking meters, Burger King, and peep shows at the dirty book store.

FREEDOM!

Trogdor the Burninator

I'm not sure if you were ever a fan of Homestar Runner, but I was and still am.  For about three years, all I ever did was reference Homestar in conversations and debates.  Strong Bad taught be that most debates can be ended by catching your opponents on fire.

Recently, I showed Greg the Strongbad e-mail about Trogdor the Burninator.  We watched it again tonight and he wanted to draw it.

I think he did pretty good.  Especially with the consummate Vs.

Portal 2: Coming Soon

Portal 2 is coming out soon.  I just noticed something about the two characters in the demo videos.

Miller Lite Masquerade

Dave was in town this weekend.  We had dinner at Barley's and then over to Char Bar for drinks.

While we were at Char Bar, a group of people came in with masquerade masks on.  After a while, Keegan couldn't take it anymore so he got up and asked one of the girls what was going on.  She said it was her birthday and dammit, she wanted to have a masquerade party.

So I decided to join it. I peeled two labels off two Miller Lite bottles.  In my wallet, I have a four leaf clover flattened between two taped together business cards.  I was able to peel some of the tape off.  Using Swiss Army Knife scissors, I cut holes in the wrappers and cut around the edges to make them mask like.

I went over to the girls expecting that they would be pissed.  The birthday girl was ECSTATIC!   They even let me take a photo with them.

Happy Birthday Masquerade Girl!  (She's the one directly to my right.)

That'll teach 'em

The BK Stacker Scientific Study

The price scientists over at Burger King think they have got their stuff together. They came out with a pricing system for the Single Stacker, Double Stacker and Triple Stacker at $1, $2 and $3 respectively. I decided to do some research to see if those scientists went to a school that doesn't have collective bargaining rights.

I went out and bought three Single Stackers, one Double Stacker and one Triple Stacker.

My server was Elbert!

Because of science, I weighed them:
Single Stacker = 4 oz
Double Stacker = 5.6 oz
Triple Stacker = 7 oz

The Single Stacker is 380 calories. That's 380 calories per $1 or $.25 an ounce.
The Double Stacker is 560 calories. That's 280 calories per $1 or $.36 an ounce
The Triple Stacker is 650 calories. That's 216.6 calories per $1 or $.42 an ounce.

The bigger the sandwich, the more you pay per calorie/ounce. That doesn't seem right!

The Single Stacker is comprised of a bun, one hamburger patty, two "segments" of bacon, a slice of cheese and some strange sauce that I will not be mentioning again.

Here's what the three Single Stackers look like separated.

The Double Stacker is comprised of a bun, two hamburger patties, three bacon segments, a slice of cheese and the sauce that I said I wasn't going to mention, but forgot.

The Triple Stacker is comprised of a bun, three hamburger patties, three bacon segments, two slices of cheese and more of the you know what.

There are three patties in there.  One of them is hiding in the cholesterol.


By the way, the people over at Burger King think this is what the Triple Stacker looks like:

Here's what mine looked like:

So just by looking at these components, I can tell you are getting screwed. For starters, there should be two slices of cheese on the Double and three on the Triple. And the bacon should be spilling out of the Triple.

So you could take a Single Stacker and a Double stacker for $3.00 and you would get 2 buns, three hamburger patties, two slices of cheese and five bacon. I call this the "1 + 2 = 4."

Or, you could take the three Single Stackers, remove the tops of two and stack them all. I call this the "Real Triple You Stupid Price Scientists."

Or you could just say "fuck it" and stack everything in one bun. I call this "The Lent Buster."

That's right.

OUMNNNNUNMNNNN

Fis engu mmn na frengh!

Yeah! Take that Price Scientists!

CONCLUSION: The price scientists at Burger King are idiots. Just buy singles. You can feed the ducks with the leftover bread.

I'm about to say, "It's Fucking Becky Wilson" so if your kids are in the room you might want to tell them to leave.

It's Fucking Becky Wilson!

Get your t-shirt at the HolyJuan store at Skreened!

Bald Men Outraged at Lack of Care for Hair

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – Several area bald men are fed up with the lack of care and responsibility shown by fully haired men towards their completely, hair covered craniums. “They don’t respect their follicles”, stated Bill Newtswarthy, the President of the Bald Is OK Club in Columbus, Ohio. “These ‘Hairitics’ take their hair for granted. They don’t realize that it could all be gone tomorrow. They should treat their hair with respect!”

We caught up with several members of the Bald Is OK Club during their annual meeting at a local Best Western. The BIOK were discussing the merits of conditioner and repeating. “I think I would have had another three, maybe four more years of hair if I hadn’t scrubbed so hard,” stated one bald member. Others nodded in agreement while they looked accusingly around the room at the other bald men. Earlier in the evening, a man with a bald wig was caught and ushered out the door. “We can’t be too careful. There are a lot of people with full heads of hair looking to infiltrate the group.”

Member Erik was one of the more vocal members at the meeting, “I see them out there… dyeing… moussing… gel and butch wax in hand. They should be ashamed!” Many cheers from the four other people in the room erupted.

Local men with hair did not know about the group and were astounded at our description of their activities. We heard such comments as, “I thought bald was beautiful?” and “That’s what you get for repeating shampooing.”

We hit the streets and interview several local hair blessed and bald people for their opinions:


"These hairy SOBs need to be taught a lesson. I'm tired of stepping over my f*ucking roomate's hair when I get in the shower. Eighteen bottles of shampoo, assh*le? I use bar soap on my dome." - Greg A.


"I don't know what these guys are complaining about. All this hair gets in my way when I am fighting off the chicks at the club. Washing the smell of lust and sin out of my hair takes hours!" - Josh K.


"I shave my head in solidarity for my bald headed brothers. Then it grows back and I have to fight the ladies off, again. Will it never end?"- Jason (Last initial withheld to protect identity.)


"These baldies need to get used to their lack of hair. I mean, so what if their testosterone is low and their hair falls out? They can borrow some of mine!" - Kevin S.


"Please don't use my real identity. " - Erik Burbank


"You don't like this hair, bitches? Your wife does!" - Levi

Good Times at the Jury Room

We went to The Jury Room the other night. It's an old bar that has been refurbished to look like it is still old.

While waiting for a table, we flipped through their drink menu. Well, Jenn flipped through the menu and Keegan looked at me menacingly.

The Jury Room carries a lot of "Old Man" drinks which a lot of hip, cool people drink. One of those is an Old Fashioned. The Old Fashioned at the Jury Room is so nice, they use bitters twice!

We got a table and Meghan showed up. Michael came later but he is not in this story except for this mention.

Keegan had suggested a beer out of Lancaster from Rockmill Brewery that he liked called Dubbel. I'm no beer expert, but dubbel is a Belgian Trappist beer naming convention. The origin of the dubbel was a beer brewed in the Trappist Abbey of Westmalle in 1856. Westmalle Dubbel was imitated by other breweries, leading to the emergence of a style. Dubbels are now understood to be a fairly strong (6%-8% ABV) brown ale, with under- stated bitterness, fairly heavy body, and a pronounced fruitiness. This beer comes in 750ml bottles (that's three gallons for those of you that don't speak French)and are meant for sharing.

Earlier on in the evening, I said I would chip in for the Dubbel, but after drinking a few PBRs, I knew that my palate had become as sensitive as a pallet and I wouldn't enjoy a good beer. Or maybe I'm just cheap. Keegan called me one of several names and our waitress said she would bring three glasses and a shot glass so that I could at least try the dubbel.

Cheers!

I ordered artichoke and other stuff spaghetti. It was really delicious.

At the end of the meal our waitress brought our checks. She split the dubbel between all those that drank, including me.

She charged me for 1% of the bottle! 33% each for Jenn, Meghan and Keegan and .20 for me. Oh, how we laughed. I wish I could remember her name. She was awesome. I know that Jenn will remember and I'll post it later. It's Laura! Crafty Laura! Thanks, Laura!

Check out the Jury Room and the Rockmill selection of beers as soon as you get the chance!