Gunnullostra

Gunnullostra (n) - The national sport of Chile. Usually played with two, 17 person teams.

Smallest car in the lot...

...can't seem to get between the lines.


I'll miss you, Smarter Doug.

Swedish Fish Dis

Two days ago I got a comment on my story about how 100 calorie packs of Swedish Fish are not as good as the full sized ones.

In the story I suggest that people DO NOT buy the smaller Swedish Fish and instead eat about 5 of the regular sized fish as they equal about 100 calories.

The comment was by someone named "Anonymous" and it said:
Your calorie count is way off. According to their website, 100 calories is about 14 fish (19 pieces are 140 calories) - http://www.swedishfish.com/products.html#red

So I said:
Hello Anon! You have issued me a challenge. I hope you understand what you have done.

I am going to go out, buy a bag of the regular sized fish and then I am going to math. I'm gonna math hard.

I'll post the results.

The winner gets a bag of Swedish fish.

Deal?


So I went out and purchased an 8oz bag of the regular sized fish and here is a photo of the Nutrition Facts:


Serving size is 7 pieces and a serving has 150 calories. Divide 7 into 150 and you get about... crap. let me get a calculator.

21.42 calories per fish

100 divided by 21.42 is 4.6 or about 5.

You owe me a bag of fish Anonymous! You can e-mail the fish to me at holyjuan@gmail.com.

condrariam

condrariam -n A word that Sarah Palin actually thinks is a real word and then when she finds out it isn't, makes up some excuse as to why it should be a word.

The “?!” and “!?” Matched Pairs Conundrum

I’m sure you know the uses of the question mark and exclamation point:

“Fuck me?”
“Fuck you!”

But what happens when you pair them? When should you pair them?

What happens when you pair “!” with “?”
The first thing that happens when you pair these two punctuation marks together is that your reader assumes your vocabulary is too limited to correctly transverbulate your feelings and that you need to fall back on punctuation to express your true thoughts.

The second thing that happens is that the reader will think that perhaps they are the idiot, that they missed something in the sentence, and they will go back and re-read your poorly written sentence only to find they were correct about the writer’s lack of transverbulation in the first place.

Lastly, your reader will attempt to figure out why your sentence ends with “?!” or “!?” and why you decided to use the combination you did. Which is why we’ll move on to the next bit…

When should you pair them?
When deciding between either “?!” and “!?” the first step is to not get mixed up with the chess playing punctuation definitions. Believe it or not, chess players utilize punctuation marks to express how devious or stupid moves are in a game. Wipe this shit out of your head because anyone who has time to punctuate chess moves obviously doesn’t have the time to read this kind of article. We don’t want to get mixed up with that element. Here are the definitions you should be concerned with:

“?!” – Loud question
Otherwise known as the ‘WTF?!”, this punctuation is necessary to harshly question someone else’s actions or previous statement with the expectation of an answer back. Some good examples are:
“Is that a herpes sore?!”
“When were you going to tell me you were married?!”
“How did you manage to spend $4,300 on your trip to Washington, DC?!”

“!?” – No Fucking Way
This is a strong disbelief in someone’s action or statement without the expectation of an answer:
“Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!?”
“You call that a penis!?”
“Gas is at $4.00 a gallon!?”

See how a statement changes now that you know the definitions:
“You are gay?!”
“You are gay!?”

Or:
“You are a sophomore in high school?!”
“You are a sophomore in high school!?”

All punctuation should be like the dollar .sign

The dollar sign comes before the number even though you say “twenty dollars” when it looks like this .$20 No one says dollars .twenty At first it seemed very .awkward

But then I realized that the percent sign comes after the number (20%) and so you don’t know what the number represents until you are finished saying it and then you’ve got to add the right .inflection That could lead to !embarrassment

Why not do the same as the dollar sign for all ?punctuation

As you can see, it works for punctuation at the end of the .sentence It gives you a second to finish up your sentence momentum and then come to an agreeable halt with the proper hint of .emotion

In *Spanish, they put the punctuation marks at the beginning and at the end of the sentence to give you a head start on your .inflection I think this leads to over enunciation and unneeded .inflection That’s why the Spanish speaking peoples always seem so dramatic when they .talk Our new rule for English will be one punctuation mark, but right before the last word of a .sentence I wonder if this will work for …?ellipses It !does

So here is a list of suggestions for new end of sentence :punctuation

%percentages
*asterisks
: colon
!!double exclamation
?! questioning exclamation
!? exclaiming a question

Please let me know if you need any assistance with any specific .punctuation

.P.S And all emoticons should be .banned !!Forever




*Both Mexican and Spanish as well as .Castilian

Aww... Kitty Got Sick!



Reason #7 Why I Have a Great Job
I find this kind of stuff on my desk at least once a week.

Ann's Pizza

Ann is four years old and her preschool class went to a local "take and bake" pizza place where they were able to make their own pizzas. The store was crazy enough to allow the four year olds to make their own crust as well as add toppings. The crust was very thick in places and even thicker in others. Most the toppings had gotten the hint from gravity and found a home in between the two mountains of dough. Some of the more stubborn toppings held on to the sides in some sad show of bravado.

We tossed the creation in the oven per the instructions and waited. I'm not sure if a stray gamma ray hit a still thriving colony of yeast, but the crust came alive and tried to negotiate its way out of the oven.


It reminded me of this character from "Space Balls."


We turned up the heat until it stopped talking.

Ann ate about three bites.