Silky

I'm not sure you remember this, but at one time in your life, you were a virgin. And then all of a sudden, you weren't. For girls, I assume it was traumatic and disappointing. Quick and forgettable. Maybe it was painful or is some rare cases, flowery and orgasmic. For guys, it's all exactly the same experience.

For a number of years, I traveled with a science museum exhibit. I was in Syracuse for four months and I met Mike. Mike was the first guy I met on the road that was about my age and had his shit together. He showed me the town and we had an occasional drink occasionally.

Conversation usually turned to girls. And sex.

Mike said that there is only one way to describe how it feels when a boy puts his pee pee inside a girl. Especially that first time. He said it and it didn't sound dirty and it didn't sound bad. It sounded just like I remember it.

Silky.

We laughed because it was true. Later on, we'd be in the middle of a conversation and someone would say, "silky." Normally you would stretch it out: sillllky. It was great to drop it into conversation when there were three or four people in the room. We'd always laugh and then we'd pause because in our minds we would go back to that time. Silky.

My stay was too short and soon I was packing up to leave. Without my knowledge, Mike took a piece of packing tape and slapped it on the side of my traveling filing cabinet. On it he wrote, "Silky." As we were loading the trucks I saw the tape and laughed out loud. I'm sure, because it feels so good to say it, I said out loud, "Silky." And then I paused to think.

Months later my time as exhibit manager was up and I handed the exhibit over to Dave. I trained him for a few days and left the exhibit for the last time.

Dave would call from time to time with questions. One day his question was why the word "silky" was written on the side of the filing cabinet. Telling him was hilarious.

Tonight as I was chatting with Dave via IM, I asked him what story I should write about.

"Silky."

And now I stop and pause to think...

Best Photo from the Surprise Birthday Party

Love you Jenn and Two-Sack for pulling this one off:

best-photo-of-the-night

Sarah Palin Begins to Interview Potential Presidential Candidates to Run with in 2012

COLUMBUS (HJ) - Many guessed that Ex-Governor Sarah Palin would run in 2012, but all that was speculation until today. Sarah Palin announced this morning that she will begin her Vice Presidential run for the White House in 2012 by interviewing prospective Presidential running mates. Mrs. Palin stated in her press conference, “The American voting heroes are demanding new change and I plan to bring that new change as a person running for the position of Vice President. I am interviewing some of the best and brightest people that proud flag hanging over this great land of ours for the President job.”

In this daring move, Sarah Palin plans on running as Vice President and she wishes to do so with the best potential Presidential candidate possible. “Freedom loving Americans want freedom to love in America and I plan on being the vice candidate that stands next to the candidate that can do that thing.” She will personally interview and question each potential Presidential candidate.

While the list of potential running mates is a secret, we were given a peek at the interview questions when we dug through the trash dumpster of the hotel where the press conference took place. On the crumpled pages, some of the more serious questions included: “What is your foreign policy?” and “What role do you think you will have in my administration?” Other questions towards the bottom of the list were, “What newspapers do you read?” and “Who is your favorite G.I. Joe character? (If they say Destro they are pre-fired.”)

This is the first time in American history where a person has decided to run for Vice President and not first seek the office of the President. We attempted to ask Sarah Palin about this strategic move, but we had not sent this question 48 hours in advance to her Strategic Media Force, so we were unable to get an answer.

Are you a douche?

Are you a douche? Let's find out!

Question 1: Were you at the My Morning Jacket show in Columbus, OH on May 2nd?

Question 2: Did you shove and push your way through the crowd twenty minutes into the show to get closer to the stage?

Question 3: When asked to move did you smugly turn around and laugh.

THEN YOU ARE A DOUCHE.

Congratulations!

Bonus points to the chick in the Ohio State University jacket that literally shoved the fuckers sideways to help them move on.

(I highly suggest reading the comments below... Levi has a real good one.)

My Top 10 (plus) Movies

I like movies. I have, as most of you do, a Top 10 list of favorite movies. The best part of a Top 10 List of Movies is making it and I had a lot of fun. Here they are:

HolyJuan's Top 10 Movies (In no particular order except #1)

Royal Tennenbaums
Fight Club
Princess Bride
Matrix
Die Hard
Big Fish
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Terminator 2
Aliens
12 Monkeys

While making the Top 10 List, I realized that there were too many good movies so I created a back-up list in case any of the original Top 10 fell out of favor. They are the Supplementary Top 10 List:

Gallipoli
Alien
Blade Runner
Leon
Brazil
Time Bandits
Vision Quest
Adventures of Baron Muncheusen
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The Terminator

While creating the Top 10 and Top 10: The Sequel list, I also started creating the WORST FUCKING MOVIES EVER. They are in no particular order except that they all suck balls:

Matrix 2
Matrix 3
Highlander 2
Indiana Jones 4
The Postman
Battlefield Earth
Batman and Robin
Indiana Jones 5
Indiana Jones 6
Indiana Jones 8

(I assume Indiana Jones 7 will actually be good after Lucas dies from having a pile of money fall on him before he can fuck up the script.)