HolyJuan.com is not being sold!

I would like to squash any rumors about the sale of HolyJuan.com. In the past few weeks there have been leaks from several news sources that the site was going to be sold for anywhere between $15,000 to $50,000. I even read somewhere that the Marketing Logistics VP of Google called me to discuss a deal. I can tell you now without question that I may or may not have received a call from Google. Let me make this clear, there is NO TRUTH to the statement that it is possible that maybe or maybe not there was contact from Ralph Henry, VP of Internet Acquisitions at Microsoft as to the purchase or not, of HolyJuan.com. There is little or no or some truth in this half-truth, “The call with Yahoo that was not received did, in fact, never not happen during with the intent of sale or purchase, lie, of the web site holyjuan.com, false and such with maps.”

I’d like to let you all know that these are rumors and that HolyJuan would never sell out for less than $75,000.

Good day.

HJ

Goodbye Dave

Hello Friends and Debtors of Dave,

As many of you may already know, Dave will be leaving Ohio and traveling north and east to warmer and morally relaxed environs of Maine.

We invite you to join us in the celebration of Dave's friendship through a various combination of friendly conversation, drinks and dance. We will be gathering Thursday, December 4th at 7:00pm at Skully's Music Diner.

Thursday is Ladies 80's Night at Skully’s starting around 9:00pm, and they play 80's music that most of you can actually remember listening to on mix tapes. Any males showing up after 9:00pm will be required to pay Skully's $4 cover charge. Ladies are free on Thursdays. Somehow, Acton gets in for $2.00. Go figure.

Directions and Skully's menu can be found here: http://www.skullys.org/index.htm

On a similar note, Bobby's Heigel's band, The Hot Damn, will be performing at Skully's on Wednesday December 3rd at 9:00pm sharp. If you cannot make the Thursday event, please think about seeing Dave at the Wednesday concert.

Vote for Nag on the Lake

Nag on the Lake (I assume that is her first and last name) is up for some award. I'd like you to vote for her.

http://cdnba.wordpress.com/vote-2008/best-culturalentertainment-blog/

Look down the list until you see Nag on the Lake and click the dot thingy next to her name.

She has suggested, though not actually said via word, thought or e-mail, that she will give me one official Canadian Blow Job if I can get her in first place. I assume that once elected, she will drive down here to deliver, all though now that I think about it, I'll probably have to drive up there as it is a Canadian BJ and not the typical USA BJ which usually included the exchange of money.

Does anyone know what a Canadian Blow Job is?

Vote!

They didn’t get the joke

I recently got an e-mail from a startup blogger website requesting that I take the time to add a blogging term to their on-line blog reference guide or blogohpedia.

So I did. Here is my suggested word submission, “Weak-a-pedia”, for their on-line reference site:


I thought that I would not hear back anything from them or that I’d get a snide reply. Instead I got this:


And here it is on their site:


I don't think they got the joke.

I’m not advertising their site, but if you want to see a whole lot of very lame blog references, check them out here.

Things to do at Skully's UPDATE with photos

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s. I’ve got part of the list below and I wanted to share with you how we did that night.

A. Guess the song

There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.

How’d we do? We only played once and it took about 45 minutes for me to win. I think I guessed New Order.

B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)

Damon was not there that night.

- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)

Here he is:


- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)

Here is the Old Man


- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)

These two were dressed more 80's punk, but I think the judges will let this one slide.


- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)

Here they are! I don't think they are full time, only part time. Didn’t get the photo of them making out, but believe me! Smoochie smoochie!



- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)

This guy was pretty close. Two beers and a headband? He did a pretty classy job of being "That Guy."


- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)

Did not see him/her. Sorry.

- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang

Hello Kitty Girl


C. Where’s is Doug?

In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”

Here is “Doug in ten five years.” (He's the one on the left, asshole.)



D. Call your friend and leave a message

When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”

I called Acton at some point, but I didn’t hold the phone up in the air.

BONUS! Here was another part of the article about how to prepare/what to do at Skully’s:

8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.

Stick Empty Beer in Back Pocket



Stick Empty Beer under the Stage


Empty Beer Other


I like Other better

BONUS PHOTOS

Terminator Guy and Old Man in the same photo!


Dave standing next to the main stage make out couple


Old man dancing with Goth Girl (look for her at the bottom of the photo) with Dave and other dude giving the thumbs up.


Here is my boss Erik dancing with Michelle.


And here, my friends, is a heart-breaking photo of Jenn, Dave, Doug and Meshell. Dave is moving to Maine next month. Meshell is heading to New York City. Skully's will never, ever be the same.


Last call.

The Kramer Triplets do the O-H-I-O



Triplets? Yeah, I know, there's four of them. I had to take Jenn and shop her in as that fourth letter.

Time Travel Photo Fix

I got this e-mail from a reader:

Hello HolyJuan,

I am hoping you can help me out. A few weeks ago, I took this photo at my daughter's seventh birthday. To my embarrassment, the 7 is backwards in the photo.

Anyway you can fix this for me?

Thanks,

Tina


Here is the photo in question.


Dear Tina,

I think I can help you. Sadly, my pirated version of CorelDRAW is locked up and I cannot shop it for you.

BUT! My time machine is working. I'll just go back in time to a right before the photo is taken and turn it for you. Hold on just a minute...

OK, I'm back! Sorry that took so long. I stuck a round a few extra days and took a little vacation in the past. While there, I went all the way back to June to fix a little drunken incident at a party in Chicago. I'm sure no one will mind. Here is the photo!



Take care!

HolyJuan

Margot and the Nuclear So and So's on Conan O'Brien



Love this band. I also love the Back Piano.

Ask HolyJuan: Itch that Needs a Scratch

Dear HolyJuan,

I’m hoping you can help me out with a relationship issue.

I just recently got out of a long term relationship and am playing the field. I have recently started to date a guy, but it is not serious yet. I do not think I am ready to jump back into a heavy relationship, but I also have an itch that needs a scratch.

Is it OK to have sex with this new guy I’m dating or would you suggest something else?

Thanks,

Cindy

PS And no, the itch is not an STD… it means I want to get laid.



Dear Cindy,

Hey, is that itch you have crabs? (I know, but I had to say it anyways.)

Listen Cindy, you sound like a nice girl, especially when you say you want to get laid. But I think you are heading down the same path of your previous relationship. If you are dating a guy and then work into sex, you form a bond and that leads to exclusive dating and next thing you know you are picking out flowers and a photographer.

You want sexual relief without the relationship? Here are a few options:

1. Go Gay
Maybe what you need is an experimental weekend to curb your enthusiasm. I suggest getting all dressed up, hitting a club you do not often frequent, picking out a girl that is just slightly hotter than you and buying her a drink. This doesn’t work for guys, but somehow works for girls. Dance with her. Make the first move. Make out a bit to “tease the boys.” Then whisper those oh so lovely words, “Let’s go back to your place.” Jump, chomp and the deed is done. Do not take her back to your place, because if she is a true lesbian, she might try to move in the next day.

2. Go Old
Find a nice, older guy (say 38 years old) and let him buy you stuff and bang you. Old guys are good at that. They also last forever in the sack, due to the medicine they take to get it up. By banging a geezer, you get free stuff, you get laid and the guy will probably die of old age before you fall in love with him. If he starts pawing on you and wanting to have a deeper relationship, threaten to tell his wife and boil his kids’ rabbit.

3. Find a Friend

Nothing is better than friends who have non-committal sex. This way, you all ready have the relationship thing out of the way. You pretty much know your friend and can predict the outcomes. And also your friend probably all ready wants to nail you because guys cannot be friends with girls without wanting to have sex with them. So look around and if you see a guy that is a friend, I highly suggest you have sex with him.