Back in ye old days, you’d mash some buttons on the phone keypad and when the network figured out that the combination of numbers was a full set, the phone on the other end would begin to ring. This was great, except when you weren’t done dialing yet. This happened a lot when you were dialing long distance or to your Dad in prison overseas. If there was an emergency, you’d hit 9-1-1 and the call would go through as soon as you hit the last 1.
Then came the cordless phone and cell phones. With these technologies, you dial a number and then press “SEND” or the greenest button on your phone. Now if you want to dial 9-1-1, you have to hit the numbers and then push “SEND.” This can be problematic when you have a young child or a color-blind, illiterate babysitter.
I propose that all phones should immediately dial 9-1-1 when those buttons are first pressed. I cannot think of any situation when 9-1-1 would be the first numbers hit in any phone number or even accidentally in a text message.
Can anyone think of a reason why this should not be? Quick, call your congressperson and tell them to get moving on the HolyJuan Bill.
An Open Letter to Sarah Silverman
Dear Ms. Silverman,
Hello and greetings from the far east end of the Midwest. My name is Doug and you and I are destined to have sex. I know this may come as a shock to you, but I think the stars are pretty much lined up and they make a bee line from my weenier to your, I assume, well trimmed vaginal groin area.
You are most likely aware of an item called a “Laminated List.” For those who are reading this open letter that are not likely aware, it is a list of three famous people that one spouse will allow the list holding spouse to have sex with, if the opportunity arises.
I recently put you at the #1 spot on my laminated list during the yearly open enrollment. I apologize that you did not make the 07’-08’ list, but we were both very busy and I assume that we would not have been able to make the time to get together.
With your newly single status and my newly laminated list, I believe we have a wonderful opportunity for you to experience seventeen to twenty seconds of very awkward, if not embarrassing, sex with me.
I do not plan on being in Los Angeles or New York in the near future, but I can make arrangements to travel to Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Detroit and/or Columbus. As you are famous, I am hoping that you and land a gig in one of these places. I hear Columbus is especially enjoyable this time of Summer. It would be best if you were shooting a film so that we can have sex in your movie star trailer, as sex in the Funny Bone Comedy Club bathroom is awkward and stinky.
Please contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com to arrange a meeting. I will not call nor contact you afterwards and rules dictate that I remove your name from the list as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
Best of luck and sex with me,
Doug
PS If you could time it, my High School Reunion is at the end of September. It would be great if you could come as my date. I know it's cheesy, but I have several chicks in my class I need to get comeuppance upon.
Hello and greetings from the far east end of the Midwest. My name is Doug and you and I are destined to have sex. I know this may come as a shock to you, but I think the stars are pretty much lined up and they make a bee line from my weenier to your, I assume, well trimmed vaginal groin area.
You are most likely aware of an item called a “Laminated List.” For those who are reading this open letter that are not likely aware, it is a list of three famous people that one spouse will allow the list holding spouse to have sex with, if the opportunity arises.
I recently put you at the #1 spot on my laminated list during the yearly open enrollment. I apologize that you did not make the 07’-08’ list, but we were both very busy and I assume that we would not have been able to make the time to get together.
With your newly single status and my newly laminated list, I believe we have a wonderful opportunity for you to experience seventeen to twenty seconds of very awkward, if not embarrassing, sex with me.
I do not plan on being in Los Angeles or New York in the near future, but I can make arrangements to travel to Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Detroit and/or Columbus. As you are famous, I am hoping that you and land a gig in one of these places. I hear Columbus is especially enjoyable this time of Summer. It would be best if you were shooting a film so that we can have sex in your movie star trailer, as sex in the Funny Bone Comedy Club bathroom is awkward and stinky.
Please contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com to arrange a meeting. I will not call nor contact you afterwards and rules dictate that I remove your name from the list as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
Best of luck and sex with me,
Doug
PS If you could time it, my High School Reunion is at the end of September. It would be great if you could come as my date. I know it's cheesy, but I have several chicks in my class I need to get comeuppance upon.
Laminated List Week
It’s the last week of July and you know what that means! It’s UPDATE YOUR LAMINATED LIST week.
As you all know, a laminated list is the three famous people with whom your spouse will allow you to have sex with. If ever the opportunity presents itself, you have permission to have guilt free sex with any one of the three people on that list.
Every year, during the last week of July, you are allowed to update the list.
So here is my list for 08’ – 09’…
1. Sarah Silverman (recently single)
2. Christina Ricci
3. Leelee Sobieski
Sorry Alyssa Milano, you didn't make the cut this year.
Who’s on your list for this year?
As you all know, a laminated list is the three famous people with whom your spouse will allow you to have sex with. If ever the opportunity presents itself, you have permission to have guilt free sex with any one of the three people on that list.
Every year, during the last week of July, you are allowed to update the list.
So here is my list for 08’ – 09’…
1. Sarah Silverman (recently single)
2. Christina Ricci
3. Leelee Sobieski
Sorry Alyssa Milano, you didn't make the cut this year.
Who’s on your list for this year?
Good Morning Jon
Good Morning Jon,
Your wife is slowly bleeding out her belly button. We did some calculations and we figure she will bleed to death in 8.9 years or be killed by a mob of people that is completely grossed out.
Have a great morning and please ensure the pool is closed by 8:45pm tonight.
Kisses,
HolyJuan
PS Communication by RSS feed is the new IM.
Your wife is slowly bleeding out her belly button. We did some calculations and we figure she will bleed to death in 8.9 years or be killed by a mob of people that is completely grossed out.
Have a great morning and please ensure the pool is closed by 8:45pm tonight.
Kisses,
HolyJuan
PS Communication by RSS feed is the new IM.
Ask HolyJuan: 614-GAY-IDOL
I understand that several of my readers do not have hands or are busy with their hands while reading my site.
I have taken this into consideration and am installing a messaging service so that you can leave me your questions and comments via voice mail. Just call 614-GAY-IDOL or 614-429-4365 and leave me a message. I'll immediately get your message and reply as soon as I get my hands freed up.
Having a problem with your spouse? Ask HolyJuan!
Need relationship advice? Ask HolyJuan!
Wonder what that itchy sore on your arm is? Ask HolyJuan!
I have taken this into consideration and am installing a messaging service so that you can leave me your questions and comments via voice mail. Just call 614-GAY-IDOL or 614-429-4365 and leave me a message. I'll immediately get your message and reply as soon as I get my hands freed up.
Having a problem with your spouse? Ask HolyJuan!
Need relationship advice? Ask HolyJuan!
Wonder what that itchy sore on your arm is? Ask HolyJuan!
Schnuckelputz: Putting “ass” in the glass
We were in Athens, OH this past weekend for an Ohio University reunion of friends. In all, about eighteen of us made our way back to OU to reminisce and drink and reminisce about drinking. I hadn’t seen some folks for over fourteen years. It was a very good time.
For dinner, Miss Sally, Russ, Cheri and I went to Casa Nueva. Casa is a highly regarded Mexican restaurant that utilizes local farmers and producers. The food is awesome. We ordered dinner, drank Mexican beer and discussed our plans for the rest of the evening. Next to our table was a flyer for Schnuckelputz, a wine from Shade Winery.
Per the advert, I could see that the Schnuckelputz was:
Carbonated
Ginger
Lemon
Wine
I’m aware of carbonation.
I’ve had ginger. It’s the light, refreshing stuff that sits next to your sushi.
Lemon, check.
Wine and I have had a relationship for years.
So I ordered a glass.
What I did not know at the time was the origins of the word Schnuckelputz:
Schnuckel (German) - drip from the ass or wet from the backside
Putz (Yiddish) – fool, idiot
The foul, rancidness contained within that glass cannot be described. I had Russ try a sip and he gagged and made a horrible face. I was not quick enough to catch it on camera so later I had him sniff the glass to relive the experience.
I assume that on its way to the restaurant, the bottle of Schnuckelputz was accidentally filled with a combination of urine and battery acid. The bottle was then smuggled across the border of Mexico in a Crohn's Disease sufferer’s lower intestine, where it was set out in the sun for three weeks. Upon its return via a railcar filled with diarrhea, it was rinsed, chilled, lightly shaken and poured into my glass.
And to spite everyone, I drank the whole thing. For the rest of the night, I couldn’t stop burping up ginger.
We saved six people’s lives on our way out of the restaurant who were discussing, fortunately out loud, if they should order a glass of abomination.
And just so you are aware, my poop smelled like ginger for the next two days.
To sum up:
Casa Nueva = HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
Schnuckelputz = Ask, instead, for the interactive, taste colonoscopy
For dinner, Miss Sally, Russ, Cheri and I went to Casa Nueva. Casa is a highly regarded Mexican restaurant that utilizes local farmers and producers. The food is awesome. We ordered dinner, drank Mexican beer and discussed our plans for the rest of the evening. Next to our table was a flyer for Schnuckelputz, a wine from Shade Winery.
Per the advert, I could see that the Schnuckelputz was:
Carbonated
Ginger
Lemon
Wine
I’m aware of carbonation.
I’ve had ginger. It’s the light, refreshing stuff that sits next to your sushi.
Lemon, check.
Wine and I have had a relationship for years.
So I ordered a glass.
What I did not know at the time was the origins of the word Schnuckelputz:
Schnuckel (German) - drip from the ass or wet from the backside
Putz (Yiddish) – fool, idiot
The foul, rancidness contained within that glass cannot be described. I had Russ try a sip and he gagged and made a horrible face. I was not quick enough to catch it on camera so later I had him sniff the glass to relive the experience.
I assume that on its way to the restaurant, the bottle of Schnuckelputz was accidentally filled with a combination of urine and battery acid. The bottle was then smuggled across the border of Mexico in a Crohn's Disease sufferer’s lower intestine, where it was set out in the sun for three weeks. Upon its return via a railcar filled with diarrhea, it was rinsed, chilled, lightly shaken and poured into my glass.
And to spite everyone, I drank the whole thing. For the rest of the night, I couldn’t stop burping up ginger.
We saved six people’s lives on our way out of the restaurant who were discussing, fortunately out loud, if they should order a glass of abomination.
And just so you are aware, my poop smelled like ginger for the next two days.
To sum up:
Casa Nueva = HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
Schnuckelputz = Ask, instead, for the interactive, taste colonoscopy
Fark Photoshop 7-23-08
My entry on Fark for a Photoshop post.
I just realized my ball is the mouse and that's not how it works...
Fixed...
I just realized my ball is the mouse and that's not how it works...
Fixed...
Ruined Photo
Don't you hate it when you take a great photo and then it is ruined by one person in the background?
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